Posts Tagged ‘myspace’

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Avitter: The anti-social network #izeafest

Sunday, October 4th, 2009

After spending a weekend at IZEAfest listening to people talk about social networking and their expertise in said arena, I have decided that I need to be at the forefront of a new trend. I want to be the pioneer of anti-social networking.

I will call this new network "Avitter", and here's how it would work:

1. Create a profile. There are no fields for your name or your URL or your personal information. Instead, you fill in your favorite quotes, snarky views on life, and showcase why you're better than all of those people with whom you don't want to be friends.

2. Don't follow anyone. It's not worth it, because people are stupid.

3. If someone wants to follow you, they have to demonstrate that they really, really, really want it. First, they request to follow you through the site. They will then be provided with a unique 128 digit hexadecimal series that will be their private pin. Next, they will be required to fill out a 10-page application, including a short essay, the subject of which would be "Why I Want To Be Your Friend". After you review their application, if you determine that they may be worthwhile to permit, an in-person interview will be scheduled, and a deep background check will be ordered. Finally, after you've approved them, they have to input their pin every time they try to view your profile, your posts, reply to you, or even if they think of you.

4. Now that you have your anti-social network in place, all you have to do is create content! For the best Avitter experience, talk about people you hate, look down your nose on things that you are incapable of doing, and roll your eyes at people for taking actions that you've never tried before.

After these four simple steps, you'll be all set. Before too long, you'll be an expert on anti-social networking! Bigger and bigger advertisers will shun you, more and more PR reps will never email you, and the largest online magazines will never ask you to write for them. As you sit back in your dank, darkened room, with the glow of your monitor giving your face an evil, sickly glow, you can sit back and relax, knowing that you've conquered the anti-social networking game!

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Posted in satire | 24 Comments »

Lazy Sunday 50

Sunday, August 10th, 2008

Welcome to the 50th and final edition of Lazy Sunday!

I've been enjoying doing these contests but the time and effort involved writing them every Saturday started to seem reversely proportional to the number of people who entered. It also started getting more difficult to come up with clever answers that weren't rehashing old answers, so I think it's best to go out on a high note.

This week's prize is an Avitable prize pack containing the following:

  • A "Viva El Avitable" T-shirt in whatever size and color you want.
  • A six-pack of Avitable condoms.
  • An autographed drawing by me, of anything you want.
  • An iPod shuffle.
  • A $25 Amazon.com or iTunes gift certificate.
  • A guest post on your blog by me.
  • A one-night hotel stay in Altamonte Springs for the night of the Halloween party on November 1st. If you cannot come to the party, you can get an additional $25 Amazon.com or iTunes gift certificate instead.

For this week's contest, there are no answers – only questions! What television series, movie, or song is referenced by each question? They're not all the same movie or TV show this time!

For each one that you correctly guess, you'll get one raffle ticket, and, just like normal, I'll put all the raffle tickets into one virtual hat and draw a name for the winner. The winner to my last contest will be announced next Sunday!

1. Have you ever pretended to be your girlfriend or boyfriend's dad?

2. Would you ever cut one of your friends on purpose?

3. Where's the worst place you've ever gone without a weapon or Backup?

4. Are you afraid of tollbooths?

5. Have you ever worn OR scrubs?

6. What do you do with a smell that won't come out?

7. Don't you hate when nobody will acknowledge you or talk to you?

8. Can you fly a plane? Does anyone know?

9. Do you fight with your wife or husband and in-laws non-stop during Christmas?

10. Have you ever burned something valuable that wasn't yours?

11. Has anybody ever shot you with a BB pistol?

12. Can you go to the bathroom if someone is listening?

13. Have you ever bought the very last hot dog from a hot dog stand?

14. Would you kiss a toaster?

15. Do you like gladiator movies?

Congratulations to the following people who correctly guessed the answer to last week's contest:
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Posted in Memes and more | 31 Comments »

Lazy Sunday XLIX

Sunday, August 3rd, 2008

Welcome to the penultimate 49th Edition of Lazy Sunday!

I don't know if I'm just making these too hard or if everybody's just really hungover on Sundays recently, but the results were pretty miserable – skip to the end of the post to see the correct answers and last week's winner.

Anyways, this is the second to last Lazy Sunday contest! That's right – after giving away over $1000 in prizes (that I paid for myself – I received no sponsorship or freebies for these contests), I'm going to host two more contests, and that's it!

But these last two are going to be a doozy, and the rules are gonna change.

For this week's contest, all 15 references are for the same television series, musical artist, or movie. That's right – all you have to do is figure out one answer!

Since once someone correctly guesses, everybody would be able to easily figure it out, comments are closed. Instead of commenting with your answer, I want you to email me at my first name at my last name dot com. Put the subject line "Lazy Sunday 49" and write your answer in your email.

Each person who emails me by midnight on Tuesday will get a raffle ticket, and I'll pick one at random to give this week's prize, which is:

An 8GB iPod touch!

So let's see how you do, and tune in next Sunday to find out the winners and see what next week's unbelievable contest will bring!

1. Do you sleep in your bra?
Usually I sleep under my Avitable sheets.

2. Do you enjoy drama?
Only if I can rent it from the vendor between the scanner and the coffee machine.

3. Are you a girly girl?
No, I'm tough, especially if someone shoots me.

4. Do you dress up on Halloween?
I dress up as a woman in a dress, but I keep my cigar and don't shave.

5. What are you doing right now?
Protecting the chastity of a youngish girl.

6. Have you ever been called a bad influence?
Not if they don't want their crotches to hurt like a motherfucker.

7. Are you currently frustrated with a guy?
I keep thinking he's just going to fall asleep on me.

8. Do you have a best friend that's a guy?
Sort of.

9. Have you ever thought of having plastic surgery?
I had my nose done as a teen.

10. Do you like your life?
I did until I had the special.

11. Have you ever had a good feeling about something?
Yes, and apparently my good feelings are more than that.

12. Do you have any plans for tomorrow?
I just want to see if my ass is still as big.

13. Recently done anything you regret?
Does self-consumption count?

14. Whats the closest thing to you that's liquid?
Self-referential yogurt.

15. Are you easily confused?
Yeah. And I take orders from the President way too literally.

And here are the answers and winners from last week's contest :
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Posted in Memes and more, Serious stuff | No Comments »

Lazy Sunday XLVIII

Sunday, July 27th, 2008

Welcome to the 48th Edition of Lazy Sunday!

Boy, you guys really sucked last week. Really. The most that anyone got right was 6, and there were five questions that nobody got right at all. I'm so ashamed of all of you.

This week's prize is a $25 gift certificate from Amazon.com!

Everyone has a chance at winning, so don't be shy! The questions may be hard, but everyone who's between the ages of 16 and 80 should be able to get at least one correct – I promise.

The rules:

It's very simple. I go through my Myspace friends and pick one of their survey bulletins and answer 15 of the questions. Every answer contains a reference to a movie, a television show, or a song. Just guess as many as you can – some will be laughably easy and some will be very difficult. Every correct answer is like a raffle ticket – you get one chance to win per correct answer. If you get 1 right, your name goes in the proverbial hat. If you get 10 right, your name goes in ten times. Et cetera. You're on the honor system – try not to Google or look at other people's answers!

The contest ends Tuesday at midnight EST. I'll give the correct answers and the winner on the following Sunday.

Ready? Here we go!

1. Do you have a best friend who knows you inside and out?
I am my own best friend. I like pizza.

2. Have you ever been punched by the opposite sex?
No, but I almost hooked up with my mom.

3. What color are the walls in your room?
Well, my wall is more like a pattern. Just like my shirt!

4. When is the last time you cried?
When you buried me in the front yard.

5. Are you falling for anyone?
Well, I fantasize about my therapist.

6. Where will you be in an hour?
Going for a haircut, then I'll probably drop in for a pie.

7. What's your biggest flaw?
I have a drinking problem. It's all Elaine's fault.

8. What do you feel right now?
Other than the earth moving under my feet?

9. Have you ever dated anyone longer than a year?
I haven't dated anyone since my assistant died in 1996. All the rest of my assistants have spurned me or been lesbians.

10. Do you want kids?
As long as they don't become pen pals with a serial killer.

11. Do you do things you later regret?
I regret wasting every single summer on that damn radio contest.

12. What made you happy today?
Selling museum tickets and my tasty fucking fried chicken.

13. Who was the last friend at your house?
Martha and Rose stopped by.

14. What were you doing an hour ago?
Fucking the judge's niece in his house.

15. Have you ever been in trouble with the police?
I thought I was, but I was just learning a lesson about teaching lessons.

And here are the answers and winners from last week's contest :
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Posted in Memes and more | 20 Comments »

Lazy Sunday XLVII

Sunday, July 20th, 2008

Welcome to the 47th Edition of Lazy Sunday!

Last week was the SciFi Edition, and a few answers might cause some debate. First, the answer to #3 was the original Alien, but most people said Aliens, which was the sequel. Am I remembering that wrong, or wasn't the first Alien the one where she was hanging out with the Marines and Paul Reiser in her panties? Another debatable one was #4 – being very, very allergic to water. The answer was not Alien Nation. I would have said "salt water". The answer is Signs. Another hard one was #9. The answer is Return of the Jedi, because that's when they find out they're brother and sister. Finally, #12, the Galaxy of Terror one, was about Futurama, which had an episode that mentioned the Galaxy of Terror (when Fry accidentally drank the Emperor). Nobody guessed that one! Oh, and congratulations to Metalmom, who was the only one to correctly guess that #14 was Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. You can find the rest of last week's answers, scores and contest winner in an extended entry, but now it's time for today's Lazy Sunday contest!

This week's prize is a 6-pack sampler of gourmet popcorn from Dale & Thomas Popcorn!

Everyone has a chance at winning, so don't be shy! The questions may be hard, but everyone who's between the ages of 16 and 80 should be able to get at least one correct – I promise.

The rules:

It's very simple. I go through my Myspace friends and pick one of their survey bulletins and answer 15 of the questions. Every answer contains a reference to a movie, a television show, or a song. Just guess as many as you can – some will be laughably easy and some will be very difficult. Every correct answer is like a raffle ticket – you get one chance to win per correct answer. If you get 1 right, your name goes in the proverbial hat. If you get 10 right, your name goes in ten times. Et cetera. You're on the honor system – try not to Google or look at other people's answers!

The contest ends Tuesday at midnight EST. I'll give the correct answers and the winner on the following Sunday.

Ready? Here we go!

1. Have you ever really cried your heart out?
Once, when a girl threw water on me after I got out of the pool.

2. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
No, but I've puked to a musical crescendo.

3. Do you cry when you get an injury?
Only when my finger got cut off in the door.

4. What can always make you happy?
The girls over at Dante's.

5. Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt?
Well, she did catch fire, but I'm used to it.

6. Anyone besides your friends/family ever said they loved you?
Only when I make everything groovy.

7. Are you in a relationship?
No – the moth guy and I are just partners.

8. Who do you actually hate?
Nazis. And rats.

9. Are you a mean bully?
Nope. Once I hurl the kid into the air, he usually leaves everyone alone.

10. Do you wish you could be someone else?
A prince who is moving to Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma.

11. What is your current hair color?
Half blond, half blackened.

12. Have you ever been on the phone until the sun came up?
No. The last time I saw the sun come up, almost 220 years ago, there were no phones.

13. Who was the last person you talked to in person?
Two boys on bikes. One gave me a shirt.

14. Who was the last person who made you laugh?
Johnny, doing one of his usual characters.

15. Do you get along with your parents?
I did, until my mom died and my dad didn't tell me!

And here are the answers and winners from last week's contest :
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Posted in Memes and more | 26 Comments »

Lazy Sunday XLVI

Sunday, July 13th, 2008

Welcome to the 46th Edition of Lazy Sunday!

Two weeks ago was a little hard, I guess. Nobody correctly guessed that the answer to #15 was "Once Upon a Time in Mexico". You can find the rest of last week's answers, scores and contest winner in an extended entry, but now it's time for today's Lazy Sunday contest!

This week's prize is for my friend Dan. In little more than a week, he and 9 friends will be walking 78 miles in six days for charity, with all proceeds going to The Joseph Salmon Trust, a charity set up by his close friends Neil and Rachel in memorial of their three year old son Joseph who in April of 2005 died suddenly in his sleep.

The Joseph Salmon Trust supports parents who have lost a child by providing financial assistance to those who need it most. This may be to help with funeral costs or to allow the self employed a break from work while they come to terms with their loss. Grieving families have enough to deal with without worries about where they will find the money to say goodbye to their child or pay the next electricity bill. Nothing we can do can make their situation better, but we can do something to stop it getting worse.

This week's prize will be a $100 donation to the Joseph Salmon Trust in the winner's name. It's a worthy cause, and if you feel like donating yourself, you can do so here.

This is also a themed contest – every answer has to do with a song, movie, or television show that's in the SCIFI GENRE!

Everyone has a chance at winning, so don't be shy! The questions may be hard, but everyone who's between the ages of 16 and 80 should be able to get at least one correct – I promise.

The rules:

It's very simple. I go through my Myspace friends and pick one of their survey bulletins and answer 15 of the questions. Every answer contains a reference to a movie, a television show, or a song. Just guess as many as you can – some will be laughably easy and some will be very difficult. Every correct answer is like a raffle ticket – you get one chance to win per correct answer. If you get 1 right, your name goes in the proverbial hat. If you get 10 right, your name goes in ten times. Et cetera. You're on the honor system – try not to Google or look at other people's answers!

The contest ends Tuesday at midnight EST. I'll give the correct answers and the winner on the following Sunday.

Ready? Here we go!

1. Do you wear slippers?
Yup. I named them, too. Klaatu and Nikto.

2. Are you pregnant?
Pregnant or something! I should just hurl myself into this giant furnace.

3. Do you wear a bra to bed at night?
I just wear a t-shirt and panties when I go into stasis with the Marines.

4. Are you allergic to anything?
I'm really, really allergic to water.

5. When was the last time you called in sick?
Well, I got shot up pretty bad by a Detroit gang and was pronounced dead.

6. Have you ever been in a car accident?
No, but once I fell when escaping from a nuclear wessel.

7. What is your favorite snack food?
Cats.

8. Do you think you have a big butt?
I have a good butt. And three boobs.

9. Would you like to look like your mom when you are her age?
I barely remember her. She died shortly after giving birth to me and my brother.

10. If you won a million dollars, what would you buy first?
A lot of mashed potatoes. I've got some sculpting to do!

11. Do you own a dictionary?
No, but I've read one. Along with hundreds of books. I need more input!

12. Where was the last place you went on vacation?
Somewhere in the Galaxy of Terror.

13. Do you talk about your friends behind their backs?
Only if they're pre-criminals.

14. Do you like to mow the yard?
When I can find the damn remote control.

15. Any big plans for the summer?
Work in the mud fields of Canton and sing the Hero's praises.

And here are the answers and winners from last week's contest :
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Posted in Memes and more | 29 Comments »

Lazy Sunday XLV

Sunday, June 29th, 2008

Welcome to the 45th Edition of Lazy Sunday!

Last week was tough for everyone. Nobody correctly guessed that the answer to #3 was "The Simpsons" or that the correct answer to #13 was "Roswell". I'm ashamed of you supposed Simpsons fans and scifi fans out there!

You can find the rest of last week's answers, scores and contest winner in an extended entry, but now it's time for today's Lazy Sunday contest! This week's prize is a mystery! I'll be pulling out some cool stuff and giving it away, but it's a total enigma to you!

Everyone has a chance at winning, so don't be shy! The questions may be hard, but everyone who's between the ages of 16 and 80 should be able to get at least one correct – I promise.

The rules:

It's very simple. I go through my Myspace friends and pick one of their survey bulletins and answer 15 of the questions. Every answer contains a reference to a movie, a television show, or a song. Just guess as many as you can – some will be laughably easy and some will be very difficult. Every correct answer is like a raffle ticket – you get one chance to win per correct answer. If you get 1 right, your name goes in the proverbial hat. If you get 10 right, your name goes in ten times. Et cetera. You're on the honor system – try not to Google or look at other people's answers!

The contest ends Tuesday at midnight EST. I'll give the correct answers and the winner on the following Sunday.

Ready? Here we go!

1. Name something you have in common with all your siblings?
I don't really have anything in common with them. They don't even like Twinkies!

2. Do you fold your underwear?
Iron it, fold it, arrange it by color and age and who it was inspected by.

3. Who is the last person you wrote a letter to on paper?
I told someone that if they were in, I was in.

4. What was your first job?
I worked for my dad's Big and Tall store.

5. Aside from Driver's Ed, who really taught you how to drive?
I been driving people around in Hong Kong for long time.

6. What did you do today?
Killed a yak with mind bullets.

7. Are you emotional?
I ain't got time to emote.

8. Have you ever had the same dream more than once?
Just that one where I owned the inn in Vermont.

9. If you were in an emergency situation and you had to deliver a baby, could you?
Only if you downloaded the knowledge into my brain.

10. What was the most recent thing you bought?
This cutest little pet from a cranky Chinese guy.

11. What is on your refrigerator door?
I don't know. It blew away, with the fridge, during an atomic bomb explosion.

12. Name something you have to do tomorrow.
Give the best history presentation ever.

13. Would you ever want to swim with the sharks?
Only the laser-free ones.

14. What are you wearing?
An outfit that blends in with the outside of this building, a small hang glider, and I'm carrying an empty gun.

15. What was the last thing you ate?
The best pork dish I've ever eaten.

And here are the answers and winners from last week's contest :
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Posted in Memes and more | 30 Comments »

Lazy Sunday XLIV

Sunday, June 22nd, 2008

After a short break last week (go see last week's winners and answers over at Shiny's blog), we're back for Lazy Sunday 44!

This week's prize is a Royal Rabbit Vibrator Kit from Adam & Eve!

Everyone has a chance at winning, so don't be shy! The questions may be hard, but everyone who's between the ages of 16 and 80 should be able to get at least one correct – I promise.

The rules:

It's very simple. I go through my Myspace friends and pick one of their survey bulletins and answer 15 of the questions. Every answer contains a reference to a movie, a television show, or a song. Just guess as many as you can – some will be laughably easy and some will be very difficult. Every correct answer is like a raffle ticket – you get one chance to win per correct answer. If you get 1 right, your name goes in the proverbial hat. If you get 10 right, your name goes in ten times. Et cetera. You're on the honor system – try not to Google or look at other people's answers!

The contest ends Tuesday at midnight EST. I'll give the correct answers and the winner on the following Sunday.

Ready? Here we go!

1. Who did you last shoot a dirty look at?
At the guy who rescued me when he wouldn't bring all of my luggage.

2. What kind of car do you drive?
A taxi. I named him Benny.

3. Have you ever had a garage sale?
Not since I caused havoc by selling my matter transporter for two dollars.

4. What's for dinner tonight?
I don't know, but ick. I'd eat anything you cooked (but I won't eat that).

5. What is the last drink you drank?
A good sarsparilla.

6. Last time you were sick?
When getting a ride in the fighter jet from DC to Los Angeles.

7. Are you happy right now?
I'm always happy unless I end up headfirst in a horse's ass.

8. What is your favorite key chain on your keys?
The one that says "Bad Motherfucker".

9. What is in your pocket?
A room key for the hotel where my boyfriend lives since his house burned down, a taser, and a pen that's actually a listening device.

10. Who is the last person you had a phone conversation with?
I don't remember, but it's tattooed on my shoulder.

11. What's something fun you did today?
Had a showdown with my dad. Literally.

12. What are you going to do after this
I'm going to spend all of my credits to hang out with a Companion.

13. What is something you need to go shopping for?
Hot sauce. My brother, sister and I love hot sauce.

14. What was the last thing someone you love said to you?
Multipass.

15. What is a compliment you receive way too often?
People tell me that my hair is perfect and then call me a girl's name. I'll take what I can get!

And that's it for this week!

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Posted in Memes and more | 42 Comments »

Lazy Sunday??

Sunday, June 15th, 2008

First, happy Father's Day to all the dads, sugar daddies, pimp daddies, who's your daddies and you're not my daddies out there.

Second, go wish Sarcastica a happy birthday! She's a bit down, so getting some blogger love would cheer her up.

Finally, the contest:

This week, I'm changing things up a bit! I'm taking today off, but we're still having our normal Lazy Sunday contest. Just head on over to my friend Shiny's blog Shiny's Takeout (Get it? Say it aloud!) and he has been gracious enough to come up with a prize and 15 references for you to guess. I don't even know what they are, and I'll be playing right alongside you!

If you're looking for the answers and winner from last week, you can find them in an extended entry.
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Posted in Memes and more | 19 Comments »

Lazy Sunday XLIII

Sunday, June 8th, 2008

Welcome to the 43rd Edition of Lazy Sunday!

Last week must have been a tough one. Sybil is the only one who correctly identified #14 as "Sarah Silverman: Jesus is Magic", Mike LeSombre is the only who correctly identified #11 as "Scrubs" and nobody identified #12 as "Angel".

You can find the rest of last week's answers, scores and contest winner in an extended entry, but now it's time for today's Lazy Sunday contest! This week's prize is another iPod Shuffle!

Everyone has a chance at winning, so don't be shy! The questions may be hard, but everyone who's between the ages of 16 and 80 should be able to get at least one correct – I promise.

The rules:

It's very simple. I go through my Myspace friends and pick one of their survey bulletins and answer 15 of the questions. Every answer contains a reference to a movie, a television show, or a song. Just guess as many as you can – some will be laughably easy and some will be very difficult. Every correct answer is like a raffle ticket – you get one chance to win per correct answer. If you get 1 right, your name goes in the proverbial hat. If you get 10 right, your name goes in ten times. Et cetera. You're on the honor system – try not to Google or look at other people's answers!

The contest ends Tuesday at midnight EST. I'll give the correct answers and the winner on the following Sunday.

Ready? Here we go!

1. Name something a claustrophobic person should not get into.
He shouldn't get into a job on floor 7 1/2.

2. What one thing does a woman spend the most time on when getting ready?
Having her buttcheeks buffed by a floor polisher.

3. What is a Spanish word that everyone knows the meaning of?
Plethora

4. Name something in your bathroom that you leave plugged in all the time.
The clock. After I fell and hit my head trying to hang it, I'm leaving it there. Besides, now I have this crazy idea in my head.

5. Besides golfers, what is something you see on a golf course?
People with beer helmets.

6. Name a household chore you actually enjoy?
Cleaning is easy when you get pigeons and roaches to help.

7. Name something you walk out on.
A fiancee who won't let you sit in the window seat.

8. Name a place where you see nervous people.
At SeaWorld, in the underwater tunnels where you can view the fish.

9. Name something that can be cherry flavored.
A go-go dancer's leg.

10. Complete this phrase: "I’ll never forget my first _____".
I like to sing a song about my very first beer when I was 17.

11. Name another word for "Dad".
Well, according to Mom, mon chere. But he calls her cara mia, so who knows.

12. Name something a married couple might want to have 2 of.
A robot that sings happy birthday to your annoying best friend.

13. What is the first part of a person’s body to lose the war with gravity?
On some planets, your eyes bulge out until they burst.

14. Name something you see in a jail cell.
A large black man holding a small mouse.

15. Name something you find on a kitchen table.
A cornball maker.

And here are the answers and winners from last week's contest :
(more…)

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Posted in Memes and more | 41 Comments »

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