This part right here is the pitch. It's where I would write some clever wording and explain some far-fetched scenario that explains the photo below. I would talk about the post last week where my head was Photoshopped on Levi Johnston's Playgirl photo, and how I thought it would be funny to actually recreate that photo and put the original photo of Levi Johnston's skinny fit self next to the new one of my hairy fat self, then write a post saying that Playgirl really did use my body and put Levi's head on it. And then I would end the pitch that most of you wouldn't even read with some witty bon mot and follow it up with the photo that was the whole point of the gag I was writing in the first place:
Posts Tagged ‘nudity’
Fat naked guys are funny: A study
Monday, November 30th, 2009Hottest Cartoon Characters
Friday, October 30th, 2009
Naked Marge Simpson
With this month's Playboy showcasing a nude Marge Simpson, there is obviously some appeal in seeing a fictional drawn character nude. Marge wouldn't be my first choice, even though she looks pretty hot, and I know there are at least five other cartoon characters that I would much rather see naked:
Wilma Flintstone
Wilma Flintstone – even though you totally know she'd be rocking some caveman 70s bush, Wilma's got an iron fist, and you just know she takes control in the bedroom. Plus, she's comfortable working with bones.
Lois Griffin
Lois Griffin – it's a combination of the accent and the conservative haircut that is hiding a twisted woman. Dirty women from Rhode Island are hawt.
Daphne Blake
Daphne Blake – she might not be the brightest of the Scooby Gang, but she knows what her assets are and she will use them to get whatever she sets her mind to. And since she's friends with a couple of stoners, you know that innocence of hers is just a facade.
Josie
Josie – chicks in bands are always hot. With that little upturned pixie nose, she's irresistible.
Princess Fiona
Pre-Ogrified Princess Fiona – she's feisty, a martial artist, and only a delicate flower from far away. What's not to love?
Which cartoon character would you prefer to see naked?
Hot Nude Male Blogger Calendar
Friday, October 10th, 2008The photo shoot for the Hot Blogger Calendar was last weekend, and I was unable to go. I have to get my own photos taken and submit them for approval.
This was one that was rejected for being too risque, because they are trying to keep the calendar appropriate for all audiences.
It might be too late to tell those of you with weak stomachs to avert your eyes. Those of you who are masochists can click the image for a larger version:
You lazy fuckers should be at work.
Monday, September 1st, 2008Today's Labor Day, a holiday that I hate. Since it's a Federal holiday, it's just a way for the government to fuck over those of us who are employers, even though we'd really like our employees to come into work and, maybe, labor!
It seems to me that for the Federal government to set aside a day celebrating the corrupt, overblown, wage-inflating labor unions is kind of stupid. It's like having a day remembering a war that you lost, or recognizing deadbeat dads. Or herpes.
I think that the US has gone a bit overboard with Federal holidays. There are a few that I'm okay with, like Thanksgiving, New Year's, Independence Day, and Christmas. I only find Christmas acceptable because I view it as being an all-encompassing holiday that covers Chanukah, Rosh Hashanah, Diwali, and any of the holy days during Ramadan. They should just rename it "Winter Holiday", though.
Here are the official Federal holidays with which I have an issue:
Martin Luther King, Jr. Day: I understand that he was a great man, and he has inspired thousands of people, but giving people the day off work in his name just seems unnecessary. There are plenty of great men who don't get holidays. If you want to celebrate MLK's message, why not make it a holiday where you try to pay it forward or help someone, but only after you worked your normal 8-hour day.
President's Day: They're elected officials. Public servants. Having a day to celebrate them for doing their fucking jobs is one of the reasons that presidencies and the senate and congress have become almost like royalty. Maybe we should have a McDonald's Burger Flipper Day. They're just doing their job, too.
Memorial Day: I think it's a great idea to have a holiday that remembers those who sacrificed their lives defending our country. But can't we merge this holiday and Veteran's Day into one? I mean, Memorial Day is for the dead soldiers and Veteran's Day is for the ones who survived, so I don't think you'd have any conflicts with the parade.
Labor Day: I've already explained why I think this is a useless holiday.
Columbus Day: It just seems to me that since we already have a day that celebrates when we became a nation, so remembering the guy who wasn't actually the first person to discover the land we stole from someone else is pretty obnoxious. It's like we just continue patting ourselves on the back.
And this just covers the Federal holidays – there are plenty of other ridiculous holidays like Grandparent's Day, Arbor Day, Earth Day, April Fool's Day, but at least I don't have to let my employees take the day off to celebrate them.
In other, completely unrelated news, the contest over at Hot Blogger Calendar was over at midnight last night. They hid the vote tallies all day on Sunday, but unless there was a huge upset, I should still be in the top 12, and I want to thank everyone who voted. As I promised (or as I threatened, depending on your perspective), since I received well over the number of votes needed to strip the last piece off of my picture, you can click here to see the final Avitable reveal.
Thanks again to everyone and enjoy Labor Day, you shiftless, money grubbing, worthless, lazy bastards.
Remember that movie Major League?
Wednesday, August 27th, 2008So, do you remember Major League?
And do you remember how the coach inspired the team by putting up a cardboard standee of the bitch owner? She had pieces of clothing on, and for every win, he removed a piece of clothing?
So, you do remember that? Why do I ask?
Well, there's this thing called Hot Blogger Calendar. And I'm nominated for one of the Hottest Males. Right now, they are accepting votes, and the top 12 vote recipients will be able to either do a photo shoot in NYC or submit their own photo, and they'll appear in a calendar that will be seen by trillions of people!
From now until midnight on Sunday, August 31st, you can vote for one person. Ideally, they should have allowed 12 votes, but they didn't, so you have to be choosy.
And for motivation, here is a prime example of how I am the hottest hunk of man meat to ever type one of these here blog things:
This is a picture taken during college.
The unedited original is a nude photo. Right now, it's covered in 10 Photoshopped pieces of clothing: There are two gloves, two sleeves, a shirt, two shoes, two pant legs, and a crotch piece.
For every ten votes I get, I'll remove a piece of clothing.
Since I already have 113 votes, I'll start by taking off a glove!
(Or you can just use the voting widget right here! I'm at the bottom of this list if you don't scroll down at all.)
For Episode Eight of "Clearly, you're retarded", Britt and I will be fucking each other's shit up at 9 PM EST on Talkshoe. The topic tonight is the drinking age – Should it be lowered? Should it be raised? What's fair? What's right? Join in on the fun by listening live! You can listen live online at Talkshoe.com, or download the Talkshoe application and you can chat and even call in!
Free balling should be an Olympic sport
Thursday, August 21st, 2008On Tuesday night around midnight, whether it was in anticipation of Not-a-Hurricane Fay or just premature ejaculation on the part of Progress Energy, my power went out. There was some rain and just a bit of wind, but I guess our grid just couldn't handle it. (Let me just say that Progress Energy is one of the worst utilities out there – I've had more power outages with them without any rhyme or reason than anywhere else I've lived).
I called in the outage and was told that it was too early to determine when the power would be back on. Laying in bed, I was too hot even without the sheets on. No AC and no fans in Florida makes it very humid and sticky.
I decided to take a shower, which I figured would cool me down and then I might be able to go back to sleep. It was nice and relaxing, but I still felt too warm to be able to really fall asleep. So I walked around the house naked, dripping dry. I was bored and it was warmer inside than outside, so that's when I decided to go outside.
There's something exhilarating about being naked outside at night. Stepping outside, whether it's in your backyard, in the woods, at the beach, in the middle of a parking lot, it doesn't matter. Something about being naked, in the dark, with only the moonlight to light your way, that is very freeing.
Some you know exactly what I'm talking about. The rest of you are too inhibited.
I rejected the backyard as an option because it was muddy with the rain. Besides, as soon as I went outside, Jigsaw would run around in circles and bark, and I didn't want to wake up the neighbors.
Since the power was out, all of our street lights were out, along with everyone's lights on the outsides of their houses, so I decided to go out on the front porch.
Standing there, I just enjoyed the sensation of being outside in nothing but my birthday suit. Across the street, the beam of a flashlight moved through a window at the neighbors. Down the sidewalk, some crazy bastard decided that midnight during a storm was a good time to walk his dog. Further down the street, I could see a neighbor out on the street under the moon looking around to see if her house was the only one without power.
Hidden in the almost complete darkness of my overhanging porch, relishing the ability to watch but not be seen, loving the breeze and the smell of rain, I was happy.
Until the power suddenly came back on, including the very bright porch light directly over my head.
Last night, we had an interesting show talking about age discrimination and how Britt is a retard who's defensive and I'm always right. I'd love it if you'd download it here, or add it to your iTunes here.
To boob or not to boob
Thursday, June 12th, 2008Forget abortion.
Fuck the war in Iraq.
Who cares about the 2nd Amendment?
I want to vote for the candidate who decides to get rid of this Puritanical notion that Americans have that topless women are somehow indecent.
Will McCain lead the oppressed chest concealers into tit-revealing victory? Or will it be Obama who will inspire a generation to let their puppies breathe?
I dream of an America where I can walk down the street and see an advertisement like this:
I dream of a time when women can go topless without feeling ashamed. When close-minded fundamentalist groups like the AFA are told to suck it up or move out of the country. When the FCC has someone from Hooters on their board. When nipples dot the landscape like multi-colored Hershey's Kisses.
Who's with me?
A Letter To My Body
Wednesday, February 27th, 2008Last week, Britt wrote a very inspiring post about body acceptance, and she very bravely posted a picture of herself in the nude to show how comfortable she is with every curve, wrinkle and stray hair. It was all part of the BlogHer "Letter to my Body" initiative. I think it's an excellent movement and support it fully. I mean no disrespect to those women with this subsequent parody.
Dear Body,
I love you.
I knew that a steady diet of cheeseburgers, french fries, pizza, and butter would make you into an object of desire and affection.
I love that you can displace all of the water in a pool with one cannonball.
I love that your pants would feed a largish village in Africa.
I love that I get to use a mirror to see my penis and feet, since that lets me just gaze at myself.
Your breasts started out firm, but after having many Baby Ruths, they have become a bit saggy, but that's okay. I'd never be able to lick my own nipples otherwise.
Your stomach, pregnant with many, many food babies, has expanded, but that's okay. It's a good place to sit a book or balance a tray.
Your thighs, once glistening pillars of steel, now brush together, but that's okay. If I get trapped out in the wilderness, I can just wear corduroy and walk around to start a small fire.
Your penis, a mighty warrior of slightly above average size, has now hidden itself among your girth, but that's okay. The smaller size makes it easier for smaller hands, say that of a high school aged girl.
Your butt, once shapely and taut, has become completely flat, but that's okay. Now I can drop my pants easily without worrying about snags.
Your hair still covers every inch of you, except on the top of your head, but that's okay. I enjoy being able to explore fashion trends with different types of hats.
Being the size of six normal people just means that you are six times as awesome! Being able to ride in solace in an elevator because you meet the weight limit alone is gratifying. Bringing your own titanium chair to restaurants allows you to protect the environment, and buying four seats on an airplane before you board gives you the comfort that none of those other passengers will ever experience.
Body, you'll never understand how important I feel when the people at the Burger King drive-through know me by name. And that's all thanks to you. And having the city of Altamonte Springs offer me my own roving zip code – that just warmed the cockles of my heart. When cars move out of the way as I cross the street because they don't want to hit the large zoo animal who has clearly escaped, I always nod my head and secretly thank you. For I truly am special.
I love you, Body.
Lohantastic
Tuesday, February 19th, 2008Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.
"Speak", by Lindsay Lohan
I love redheads. And freckles. And overprocessed music. And disaffected youth who are slowly trainwrecking their entire life. So, as you can imagine, I love Lindsay Lohan.
She's recently posed nude for the New York Magazine in a tribute to Marilyn Monroe (who was kinda cute but way too blond), and I am posting the pictures here for all of your viewing pleasures.
You can click the picture below to go to the full mondo-sized set on Flickr, or just go below the fold to see the Lohantasticness in its pure naked glory sized to fit on this blog.
I'm a Lohanatic and proud of it.
