Posts Tagged ‘obama’

Sarah Palin emails Rush Limbaugh

Saturday, February 6th, 2010

If you've been paying attention to the news at all, you might have seen the conflict between Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh. Apparently, Sarah Palin demanded that President Obama fire his Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel, after it was reported that Emanuel said "fucking retarded" in a private meeting. She considered any version of the use of the word "retard" to be disrespectful.

Separately, Rush Limbaugh grew frustrated with protests around Emanuel's use of "retard", saying "our politically correct society is acting like some giant insult's taken place by calling a bunch of people who are retards, retards."

Now, you see, we have the bloated, drug addicted face and voice of the Republican Party butting heads with Alaska's biggest disaster since the Exxon Valdez crash. How will those Republicans who follow Fox News blindly know who to listen to? Should they go rogue or hope Obama fails? Which is it? This could break the Republican Party in half!

Luckily, Sarah Palin had a solution. I've obtained an exclusive look at the email she wrote to Rush to try to defuse the entire situation.

"Dear Rush,

I think we can both agree that it is in the best interest of this great country of ours to come to an agreement. I do have a problem with the word "retard", but I suggest as a compromise that the word "tard" is more acceptable because it has fewer letters. It also has a bit of a cutesy tone to it, and Toddy says that I do well with cutesy.

So if you would be willing to redirect your anger about people protesting Emanuel's statement, I won't worry about my little tard having his feelings hurt. This is for the greater good, remember, and no matter what, we have to compromise whatever principles we have to make sure that nigger doesn't get another term.

Love and winks,
Sarah."


In other Avita-news, today is the 38th birthday of my good friend and Geekette Supreme, Heather! She doesn't look a day over 25, especially when she's in uniform. Happy birthday, Heather!

If you're new to the horrors of Avitable.com, don't miss out. Subscribe to my RSS feed!

"You Lie!" – The Joe Wilsonizer

Monday, September 14th, 2009

As you've probably heard, Representative Joe Wilson made an ass of himself by yelling "You lie!" as President Obama spoke about health care to a nationally televised joint session of Congress. His completely unprofessional immature outburst has embarrassed the Republicans greatly, causing many of them to denounce Wilson's actions publicly. The more publicity-savvy Republicans, however, have found a way to capitalize on Wilson's poor behavior by hiring him out for a variety of venues:

  • McDonald's has hired him as a night manager where he directs the employees with a hearty "You. Fry!"
  • A busy New York Deli hired him to transmit orders from the counter to the butcher, and you can hear his enthusiastic "Two rye!" over the crowd very easily.
  • Terminix and Orkin are sharing Wilson to assist with their pest extermination efforts, as they've found his "Shoo fly!" to be particularly effective.
  • Wilson also teaches a basic journalism course at Kent State School of Journalism, although his curriculum tends to focus more heavily on "Who! Why?" and less on "What? How? When?" and "Where?"
  • A small province in China has pooled its resources to invite Wilson back to instruct their students in math after his aggressive "Chu. Pi!" worked such wonders.
  • As an early warning system for pinkeye in a school district in South Dakota, Wilson's grating "Poo eye!" has proven to have reduced outbreaks by 25%.
  • Wilson has had amazing luck in teaching canines how to speak English using a very simple "Woof! Hi!" pattern repetition.
  • A small Aryan group in his home state of South Carolina has hired Wilson to speak at rallies, expecting only a simple "Jew die!" that will rally their organization.
  • A New Zealand slaughterhouse is contracting for his services in their sheep harvesting, as his "Ewe! Die!" is cheaper and more efficient than the sluicing machine.
  • The Men's Wearhouse has retained him as a salesperson once he demonstrated how many sales he received with his simple "New tie!" technique.

And today's obnoxious Halloween tidbit:

Tickets for this year's Halloween party are now available for sale! Quantities are limited, but if you're planning on attending on October 24th, go over to the Halloween site to buy your admission ticket now!

World Leaders Review Obama's Performance

Wednesday, August 26th, 2009

From CNN:

Former Cuban leader Fidel Castro criticized President Obama for expanding the war effort in Afghanistan, but Castro also mildly praised Obama's domestic initiatives, such as health care reform.

In an essay published Tuesday in Cuba's state-run newspaper, Granma, Castro said drawing American troops away from Iraq to fight the Taliban in Afghanistan is a mistake, saying the Taliban in Afghanistan "sank the Soviet Union."

Still, Castro said he was astonished by U.S. news reports of declining popularity for Obama. Castro blamed "traditional [U.S.] racism" for dampening reform efforts, including health care revisions.

I think that CNN really dropped the ball with this article. They should have polled other world leaders, in power or out, alive or dead, to get additional input into President Obama's performance.

Where they fail, I shall step in. I doggedly pursued these leaders for a quick soundbite weighing in on how they thought Obama was doing so far:

Imelda Marcos (wife of former Philippines dictator Ferdinand Marcos): "When will he deal with the shoe shortage?"

Mikhail Gorbachev (former leader of the Communist Party in the former Soviet Union): "It only took me four months to realize that fixing our Great economy would be impossible without reforming our political and social structure. Why has Comrade Obama not realized this yet? He must implement a socialist regime and quash all those would speak out against him!"

Eva Peron (wife of former President of Argentina): "Don't cry for Obama, Democrats of America."

Kim Jong-il (former leader of North Korea): "Fuck him! Where my sequel to Dark Knight? I shoot Christopher Nolan in face if he not hurry up!"

Adolf Hitler (former leader of the Nazi Party): "If his opponents are correct and he's actually moving the nation to a socialist country, he's doing a poor job, even for a half-Negro man. I'm sorry, I should be optimistic. Half-white."

Alvaro Uribe (current President of Colombia): "Sniiiffffffffffffffffffffff . . . Sorry, what?"

Nicolas Sarkozy (current President of France): "For moi, as long as he remains strong in the face of opposi-EEEEEK! A mouse! Run away! Retreat!"

Manny Mori (current President of Micronesia): "Wait, what? You actually want my opinion on something? You know I'm from Micronesia, right? Like, nobody's ever asked my opinion about anything! I'm so excited! So, who's this Obama dude?"

Nelson Mandela (former President of South Africa): "My nigga is kicking all types of ass! Awwww yeah."

Moritz Leuenberger (current Federal Council Member of Switzerland): "I'd rather stay out of it."

Margaret Thatcher (former Prime Minister of the United Kingdom): "He thinks he's hot shit because he's the first black President for the US? I was the first woman Prime Minister and I did it thirty years earlier. I think he's a bit of a pussy. I much prefer Reagan – he was a pistol in the sack. Pip pip."


In other Avita-news, the lovely Diana turns a year older today – go wish her a happy birthday!

A Letter from Barack Obama

Thursday, August 6th, 2009

An email I just received:

From: "Barack Obama" <bobama@whitehouse.gov>
To: "Adam Heath Avitable" <avitable@gmai1.com>
Subject: Thank you
Date: Wed, 5 Aug 2009 19:52:51 -0500

Dear Mr. Avitable,

Thank you very much for the lovely package that arrived right in time for my birthday on Tuesday. The letter that came with it was very entertaining and yes, I do think that I could kick the ass of Bill Pullman's President from "Independence Day", but not Harrison Ford's President from "Air Force One". And no, I have not heard of your blog, but I will check it out when I have some free time.

Sasha and Malia really liked the drawing that you sent, where you were rescuing all of us from some type of zombie infestation, but we had to tell them that you have a tail, and that's what was hanging between your legs. It would have been more awkward but Vice President Biden has already spoken with them in detail about the birds and the bees.

The tie that you enclosed is superb, and although the press might not react well to the naked boobies that cover it, I'm going to wear it to my next meeting with the Joint Chiefs. They'll get quite a kick out of it!

It was very considerate of you to include presents for the rest of my family, as well. Michelle was thrilled with the DVD of "Over the Top" because, as you can imagine, she loves arm wrestling movies. The girls loved the video games that you included, although I've never heard of this "Leisure Suit Larry". Ah well, I'm sure that they'll have a blast!

Finally, I wanted to thank you for the poster-size portrait of you eating a cheeseburger while naked. Originally I wanted to hang it on our bedroom wall, but Michelle said it would distract her too much from our weekly appointed lovemaking sessions. Instead, we've decided to place it in one of the hallways of the White House where the tours pass by. That way, everyone can appreciate the quiet majesty of a hairy naked man cramming more unhealthy food in his fat mouth.

Also, I am not in contact with former President George W. Bush; however, if I do run into him, I'll let him know that you think he's a douchenozzle, and I will definitely give him a swirly. And to answer the final questions that you asked in your letter – yes, it's true what they say, 12 inches, she gets a Brazilian, doggy style, Cameron Diaz, and its name is Lil' Barry.

Thank you again for the wonderful birthday gift, and I'll try to make it to your Halloween party.

Best friends forever,

Barack.

Avitaweek 2009: Obama's Inauguration Speech!

Tuesday, January 20th, 2009

As a super A-list rock-star blogger, I have access to all types of cool information that none of you unwashed masses have. For example, I get to see TV shows three weeks before they air, and I even already know who wins this season's Bachelor!

My biggest coup so far, though, is that I have the full, unedited text of Barack Obama's inauguration speech that he will be giving today (Tuesday) at noon. I can't reveal my sources, but suffice it to say that they risked life and limb to get me this uncensored copy of his upcoming highly anticipated inauguration speech. Without further ado:

My fellow Americans:

May I have your full, undivided attention please?

May I have your attention please?

As President Barack Obama, I stand up before you. I repeat, as an American citizen who loves his country, I stand up.

We have many problems to discuss today.

Until today, you have never seen an African American President before. Is it a momentous occasion on par with Rosa Parks' arrest? With Martin Luther King, Jr.'s assassination? I think so. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "He didn't just say what I think he did, did he?" But I did, without being immodest. Dr. King once said . . . well, he never spoke on an issue like this, and unfortunately, of course, Dr. King is dead. But we can only imagine how he would appreciate and relish this moment in history.

This is a step forward for women, too. My fellow American women, I know that originally, many of you said to yourself, "Look at him, walking around, grabbing the primary from you-know-who." And switching parties and supporting Sarah Palin simply because she was a woman might have been a bit crazy, but it's no worse than what goes on in each of our heads when a victory is lost. But let me be as frank as I can be with you. Sometimes, I would like to appear on TV and just let loose, but I can't, even in a world where it's okay for Sarah Palin to kill a moose. "A pitbull with lipstick. A pitbull with lipstick." We delivered a message to adults and children that rather than discussing the issues that are both obvious and hidden, we would rely on shallow attacks and frivolous mud slinging.

But, in the end, the American people weren't fooled and they saw what was happening to this country. Through intelligent discourse, even our children can discover how to channel their energy into participating in concepts of fairness and equality. Never forget that we are more than mammals, but we are still a society who is cannibalizing ourselves while cutting out important resources. There will be a day when we all have rights, when a man and another man can elope, and I feel like I have the antidote to the illness that our great country has.

George W. Bush is no longer accountable for the financial troubles that face us. I am, and that means that I'm well aware of the struggle I'll be facing. I'll have to harden myself to criticism – while it may seem like I'm the media darling right now, half of America didn't want me to be President, let alone want me to remain an American. But now that I have won, I have to move past the concept of celebrity status, where I am compared to Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera, and grow above that. As a result, I have figured which issues need to be addressed head-on first and will proceed thusly.

Women and men, Republicans and Democrats, liberals and conservatives, let's cease the gossiping and in-fighting. I'm sick of all of you special interest groups and extremist views distracting this country from being as great as it should be. As President, I will be bipartisan and destroy the idea that a Democrat and a Republican cannot work together. And hopefully, this will spawn a million other people just like me. Who cross lines like me, who don't care what party you're in, who think and act like me. This might be a great thing for America.

I'm not afraid to say some things that you might not want to hear. You might joke about this with your friends in your living room, but here I am putting it all in front of you, without being false or sugarcoating anything. And even if you don't like what I'm going to say, please know that I am not like other politicians. I will tell you the truth and I want you to trust me.

It's a funny thing, being President. I have four years to accomplish something that will take ten. I am confident, however, that my goals and my plans and my pride and patriotism will inspire each and every one of you, from the teenager working at Burger King to the woman driving through the parking lot, and I am confident that there is a President Barack Obama lurking in each of you.

So, will the real President Barack Obama please stand up?
And please raise each of your hands up?
And be proud to be an American and proud to say what he or she thinks without repercussion?

I'm the real Barack Obama. And so are you. And you. You're not just imitating. So when I ask for the real Barack Obama to please stand up, that means please stand up!

(wait for applause)

Apologies to sir M. Mathers.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.


Celebrate Avitaweek 2009! My birthday is on January 26th – go here or here to buy me a present!

The End of an Error

Sunday, November 9th, 2008

Since most members of my family are rabidly Republican, Thanksgiving this year should be very fun for those of us who voted for Obama. I'm thinking of ordering one of my own T-shirts just to wear to dinner.

If you also have Republican family members, don't you want to order one of these to wear for the next two months?

I hate people

Tuesday, September 30th, 2008

Direct Link

Masterdebater. Haiku.

Saturday, September 27th, 2008

My next President
Will focus on real life, not
revel in his past.

Disdainful comments
Make you look bitter and old
No hope or promise.

Americans need
hope that the future will change
not more of the same.

Obama

Sunday, September 21st, 2008

I went to the Barack Obama speech in Jacksonville yesterday. I've never been to any type of political rally before, so I thought this would be an interesting and historic time to attend one.

I wouldn't be surprised if there were 20,000 people there. It was crazy, with lots of long lines, packed crowds, and people as sardines.

Spending four hours jammed in with my new closest friends was quite an experience. While mostly positive, there were a few negative elements that I'd like to briefly address:

1. Just because you're a Democratic tree hugger environmentalist wacko, it doesn't mean that you shouldn't shower and use deodorant before spending a hot day with lots of people who will have to smell you.

2. This also goes for all of you mouth breathers who don't believe in breath mints, dental hygiene, brushing your teeth, or chewing gum. Your breath smells like a three-day old cheese fart. Please duct tape your mouth shut until further notice.

3. We're all hot and we've all been standing there and we're all tired, so announcing that you're tired and hot and sweaty and sick of standing is liable to make me get stabby.

4. If you have a baby, stay the fuck home. Don't subject your infant to the heat and germs of 20,000 people just because you want to support Obama. That makes you a bad parent.

5. Just because I'm there and you're there and we're both going to vote for Obama, it doesn't mean that I have any interest in the slightest thing you have to say. That is our one thing in common, and I want to keep it that way. It keeps the mystery alive.

Well, at least it wasn't a McCain rally, where I'm sure the old people smell would have just driven me insane!

To boob or not to boob

Thursday, June 12th, 2008

Forget abortion.
Fuck the war in Iraq.
Who cares about the 2nd Amendment?

I want to vote for the candidate who decides to get rid of this Puritanical notion that Americans have that topless women are somehow indecent.

Will McCain lead the oppressed chest concealers into tit-revealing victory? Or will it be Obama who will inspire a generation to let their puppies breathe?

I dream of an America where I can walk down the street and see an advertisement like this:

I dream of a time when women can go topless without feeling ashamed. When close-minded fundamentalist groups like the AFA are told to suck it up or move out of the country. When the FCC has someone from Hooters on their board. When nipples dot the landscape like multi-colored Hershey's Kisses.

Who's with me?