Things can always be worse. If you're feeling bad about anything in your life, just think. You could have:

• Walked up to the front door, tripped, and had your eyelid catch on a nail, ripping it right off.
• Forwarded that email with the dirty, racist joke to your boss, grandmother, and local newspaper
• Tried to quietly release a little gas in the movie theater only to end up shitting your pants.
• Eaten an entire bowl of cereal and then noticed the bugs crawling in the box.
• Given $20,000 to that nice man from Nigeria, and then given him another $20,000 when he told you about his brother, too.
• Walked by that homeless guy who masturbates on the sidewalk right as he ejaculated all over your open-toed shoes.
• Declared bankruptcy, gotten divorced, lost your house, and then get kicked out of your cardboard box by the hobo mafia.
• Found a boyfriend online, chatted with him, fell in love, gone for your first meeting and then found out he's your stepfather.
• Walked in on your grandparents having sex. Doggystyle.
• Gone fishing in the ocean and have a shark bite your nuts off as you leaned over the water to reel in the tiny fish you just caught.
• Caught leprosy.
• Had a spider lay eggs on your cheek so you think it's a zit, and when it pops, thousands of baby spiders spill down and across your face.
• Forgotten to pay your insurance and then had a hurricane destroy your house, exposing your modest collection of "herbs" growing in your closet.
• Killed yourself by picking your nose, walking, and then tripping, ramming your finger straight into your brain.
• Gotten your hand caught between the elevator doors that one time the sensors don't work, and then have your arm violently ripped from your body.
• Fallen from the top of a 100-story building and stay conscious the whole way down.
• Gotten drunk and decided to juggle chainsaws.
• Crashed your car, become comatose, and woken 30 years later when everyone you know is dead.
• Forgotten you had a pencil in your hand when you went to put a baseball cap on and popped your eyeball like a grape.
• Forgotten you had a pencil in your hand when you went to put your phone headset on, puncturing your brain and making you forget how to wipe your own ass.
• Jumped rope near low-hanging power lines, frying yourself instantly.
• Fallen on your erect penis, breaking it.
• Taken your clitoral hood ring out while you went swimming in the pool, letting it sit on the brick patio in the 100 degree weather for three hours, and then instantly cauterizing your clitoris when you go to put it back in.
• Had to go to Iraq.
• Been gay in the 70s, female in the 60s, or black in the 50s.
• Jumped into a dumpster full of used hypodermic needles.
• Turned on the bathwater, stepped into the tub, realized you didn't have a towel, gotten out of the tub, slipped, hit your head on the sink, and then lay there, paralyzed but completely awake as the water rose in the tub and slowly drowned you.
• Had to use the bathroom at a friend's house during a party only to realize that you have explosive diarrhea, there is no fan or spray, everybody can hear everything that is happening, and they're out of toilet paper.
• Had a stroke while laying on your couch at the same time that you accidentally start "Battlefield Earth" playing in your DVD player on repeat, and nobody else will be home for four days.
• Heard your wife come home, stripped down naked, and streaked through the house to say hi just as you realize she brought home several coworkers for drinks.
• Punctured a testicle.
• Realized too late that the Scheiße party you were invited to when backpacking through Germany did not mean "Chocolate", like you originally thought.
• Gotten your laxatives and anti-diarrheal medicine confused.
• Been reading a magazine on the toilet when a subscription card floats out, drifts towards your crotch, and gives you a paper cut right down your penis.

See? Cheer up!