People, I need some help here.

I think my penis is shrinking.

It used to be that it felt like it was a third leg. I could prop myself up on it, play baseball without a bat, and hold elevator doors open when I was still a full ten feet away. And if I laid just right on my bed, I could almost put the tip of it in my own mouth without breaking my neck. Almost.

I noticed the shrinkage because of my masturbation routine. You see, I read an article that says that masturbating at least five times a week can help prevent prostate cancer. If masturbating five times a week can prevent cancer, who knows what could happen if I masturbate five times a day! I would probably turn invincible and learn to fly!

So, in the interest of science, I started masturbating five times a day. One time I thought I was floating, but I think I was just a little light-headed, and I know I wasn't invincible because I don't think my shaft would be quite so rubbed raw if I was invulnerable and self-healing. And as part of this routine, I became very familiar with my penis. I knew how many strokes it would take, how far each stroke would go, and how fast I needed to stroke.

And then, one day, my hand stroked the normal length but ran out of penis, and I hit myself in the face. Frantic, I grabbed my handy dandy penis-measuring ruler and gasped in horror. My penis had shrunk!

Masturbating became something that frightened me. Before long, I couldn't even use my whole fist. I dropped down to three fingers, then two, then I had to just use my index finger and my thumb.

If it keeps shrinking, will it become a vagina, or just a flat Ken doll spot with testicles hanging down to my knees? If it does become a vagina, should I use it like one, or just use it to hold my keys and my wallet and stuff?

What the hell should I do?

UPDATED: Thank God, I figured it out! I knew I shouldn't have taken that trip to the Congo!