Posts Tagged ‘pimping’

Tits on the Radio

Friday, February 29th, 2008

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A few Friday points worth mentioning:

First, I promised Kyra that I'd pimp her radio show if she'd send me a video of her having sex with an action figure of Batman. She quickly agreed – a bit too quickly, if you ask me – so here you go:

On Sunday at 3 PM EST (that's 12 PM PST, 1 PM MST, 2 PM CST, and 8 PM STD), Kyra will be regaling the world with tales of her sexual exploits, including the number of things she can fit into her vagina at once, the amount of gravitational pull her tits have, her favorite tricks for convincing her husband to have anal sex with her, and how much she wants to ride each and every one of you like Luke Perry in 8 Seconds.

Go check it out and on Sunday, take off your clothes and listen!

Secondly, I came across a great website called "garfield minus garfield". The author says, "Who would have guessed that when you remove Garfield from the Garfield comic strips, the result is an even better comic about schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and the empty desperation of modern life?" Here's just one example:

Thirdly, I've started re-watching The X-Files, starting with season 1. I bought the whole series on DVD over Christmas and it's been sitting there, mocking me, so I finally gave in. I had forgotten how great this show really was. It's smartly written with a great sense of humor, and the mythology is so well laid out. You can just tell the level of meticulous detail that went into every episode.

After this, it's onto Gilmore Girls, then probably Dexter, Twin Peaks, Brisco County, Jr., then maybe Lost, and finally Seinfeld. Watching all of these series straight through should only take me until 2043.

Finally, I'd like all of you people who live in the North to come to Florida and take this fucking weather back. It's February, for fuck's sake – it shouldn't be this cold!

Whorsday

Thursday, February 21st, 2008

First, let's talk about Coke Rewards. Every 12-pack and 20-pack and 24-pack of cans of Coca-Cola brand soda and every individual bottle of soda has a Coke Rewards number on it, making it worth anywhere from 3 points to 20.

You may have collected a few, but let's face it. You're not going to really do anything with them, are you?

Why not pass them on to me? I've been collecting them since the program started and my goal is to get as many as humanly possible. I go through 5-10 cases of Diet Coke myself a week, but that's not enough!

There are a few bloggers who are my favorites in the whole world because they share them constantly – thanks to the gorgeous, funny, irrepressible AnnieB, Mr. Fabulous, and the most prolific, Wayne! So, if you want to be like the cool people, get your Coke Rewards points and email them to me at my first name at my last name dot com. I'm on good terms with the Big Guy, so I know that there is a special place in heaven for people who give me Rewards points.

Secondly, I'd like to help out my meal ticket good friend Wayne. He is obsessed with those horrible, horrible LOLcats, and one of his favorite LOLcat sites, ICHC (I Can Has Cheezburger?) is having a contest for poker-themed user-generated LOLcat pics. The winner gets to go to Vegas.

You can check out all of his entries on his blog, or just click on the one I chose as my favorite out of his and go vote for it. Just give him 5 cheeseburgers for this one, and if he gets enough votes, he's off to Vegas. I have it on good authority that if Wayne wins, he plans on bringing back hookers and shrimp cocktail for everyone who voted for him.

crazy, funny pix
More on the online Poker Cats Contest

Thirdly, I created an iPhone wallpaper for those of you who are cool enough to have iPhones but not cool enough to have awesome wallpaper:

iphonebackground_avi.jpg

Finally, does anyone have any more food suggestions if we do another Fryday this weekend? So far, we've done eggrolls, chicken, pizza, PB&J, grilled cheese, Oreos, EL Fudge, Snickers, apple pie, taquitos, chimichangas, hotdogs, Twinkies, and a Cheeseburger Bite from 7-11. I'm open for other ideas . . . except pickles. Uck!

The importance of voting

Wednesday, January 30th, 2008

No, I'm not talking about the primaries.

I'm talking about the Bloggies!

I'm going to trade in all of this goodwill I have and urge you – nay, demand that you go vote for two well-deserving bloggers.

First, we have Sarcastica. She's 18, she's hot, and she knows it. She's also one of the most adult bloggers I know. Some of her readers could learn a lesson in maturity from her blog and they're decades older than she is. She's very smart with a razor wit, but she also has a huge heart. She works with the developmentally disabled because she wants to help them integrate with society, and she really is that altruistic.

She has been nominated for "Best Teen Weblog" and she needs your vote.

Secondly, we have Puntabulous. He's consistently one of the most creative bloggers I read, and although he doesn't reply to comments (which is one of my blogging pet peeves), he writes very funny geeky stuff. His hetero crush on Natalie Portman, accompanied by photos of him with a life-sized cardboard standup of the actress as Amidala, makes for constant hilarity.

He has been nominated for "Best GLBT Weblog" and he needs your vote.

Voting only takes a few minutes. Just go to the site, scroll down, vote on any other categories as you desire, and then just make sure to select Sarcastica and Puntabulous. Put your email address in, confirm the email you receive in response, and voila! You're done.

If you're looking for other suggestions of who to vote for, all I can say is that you should vote for anyone but Dooce. I mean, seriously, fuck her. She doesn't even allow comments most of the time. No comments = not a blog. It's just a promotional website at this point.

Thanks!

I shot the serif.

Friday, August 17th, 2007

That's right. This blog post is entirely sans serif.

Here are your bullets:

  • I am going to be co-hosting Mr. Fabulous's radio show on Sunday night at 7 PM EST. Go here to listen and to call in. You can also send me IMs during the show. My Yahoo IM is my full name – first, middle and last, @ yahoo.com. If you can't figure it out, you're not smart enough to IM me. Don't forget to set your calendars!
  • My monitor arrived, and it is absolutely gorgeous. I've spontaneously ejaculated 43 times while using it.
  • While moving the two big CRT monitors that took up my desk space, I found 6 packs of gum, 2 books of blank checks, a toy car, a Hershey's kiss, 4 paper clips, $20 in cash, and 14 pens that had fallen or rolled underneath them over the last few years. It was like Christmas! And yes, the kiss was still good.
  • If you're all lucky, tomorrow I'll be able to do my first video post since a few weeks ago when I started having computer problems. I know how much you've been missing those!
  • Does anyone watch Mind Control on SciFi? What a fascinating show!
  • A few months ago I helped a friend tear down his bathroom walls and install new studs and drywall to replace them. He and I are both half-retarded when it comes to this type of thing, so, of course, together we make a full-blown retard, which clearly showed with our ineptitude. Yesterday I managed to assemble two end tables and a coffee table without breaking anything or losing any parts, so maybe my genius side is overtaking the retard side. I guess we'll see when the next project comes along . . .
  • Hopefully I'll make it to go see Superbad this weekend. It looks absolutely hilarious, and I've loved Michael Cera since Arrested Development. He has great comedic timing, especially for his age.
  • I was sitting at my desk in my underwear when my balls itched. I went to scratch them through my manties and actually touched ball flesh instead of cloth. The gaping crotch hole is one sign that I need to throw this pair away. Damn.

That's it for now. Don't forget about the radio show, and have a good Friday.

Pimping for a Vote

Sunday, July 22nd, 2007

Over at I Mei Pensieri, the RFS Blog Awards are going on again. And I have been nominated in several categories. I'd like to encourage you to go over there and vote, and I'll even tell you how I'll be voting:

1) The 2 bloggers who (together) would have the best looking kids:

Miss Britt with Avitable: Clearly with her boobs and curls and my smile, our kids would be fucking awesome.

2) Do you talk about anything else?? Mono-Blogger

Avitable: I'm a bit perplexed about this one, though. Do I really only talk about one subject? Eh, what the hell. An award's an award.

3) Blogger most likely to live in a trailer park:
Miss Ann: Not really, but she's the only blog nominated that I know.

4) Blogger most likely to be arrested:
Mr. Fab: I am nominated for this award, as well, but I'm not likely to be arrested because I'll never get caught. If it was titled "Most Likely to Commit a Crime", I'd be the one to vote for.

5) Blogger with the best boobs:
Miss Britt: No-brainer.

6) Blogger most likely to NOT have any sex toys:
Dave: Unless there's an Elizabeth Hurley blow-up sex doll, I can't see Dave having an Anal Intruder 4000.

7) Blogger most likely to have the most kick-ass house EVER:
Avitable: Well, duh. I'm not likely to have the most kick-ass house. I already have the most kick-ass house. Have you seen my pool?

8) Male blogger who would look the best in a speedo:
RW: I think good ol' RW would look the best in a Speedo. I, however, would look the sexiest. For a gorilla.

9) Blogger you most want to have over for dinner:
Avitable: This is definitely a no-brainer. Britt and Fab and Annie would be fun, but I'd get naked and table dance on demand.

10) Blogger of the month:
NYC Watchdog: His ability to express his feelings and frustrations and fears and sadness makes him a clear winner.

So, go vote!

RFS Blog Awards Nominee

Abigail van Buren was a cocksucker

Tuesday, May 15th, 2007

When I was a kid, I'd read the paper every Sunday, including the comics, Marilyn vos Savant, and Dear Abby. And even at the tender age of 7, I would think to myself that Abigail van Buren was someone I'd never ask for advice. First of all, the name – it sounds like an old biddy who looks condescendingly down at you over glasses that are slipping down her nose. She sounds like she has big hair and smells like Vapo-rub. She'll shake her head and click her tongue disapprovingly at everything you tell her. Why the fuck would you ask her anything?

If you're like me, you want someone you can relate to. Someone who won't judge you, no matter how sick, twisted, or perverted your question is. Well, if you're like me, you won't have anything to ask because you're omniscient, but you know what I mean.

And now is your time to reach deep into your twisted pit of a soul and come up with something on which you need advice. Whether it's fashion or shopping or market speculation or shoes or your marriage or success or even if you're just looking for that little piece that is missing from your life, the time is now to ask and be answered.

All you need to do is email "britt@miss-britt.com" with the subject line of "WWMBD?" and this goddess of wisdom and wonder will advise the fuck out of you. She'll choose the worthiest questions and answer them on her blog every Monday morning. She'll even keep your identity anonymous! Do you think you can handle it?

What Would Miss Britt Do?

My first time

Tuesday, May 8th, 2007

I usually don't write about serious things, but I'm in the mood. This is a post where I bare my heart and soul and talk about my first time.

It was right before I left for college. I had (along with some urging from my friends) decided that I needed to do the deed before starting my life as a college student and adult. An older friend of mine, Bryan, had recommended one particular establishment that he had used on numerous occasions. As I drove up to the building, my palms were sweating and I was quite nervous. I had only been in one bed, my entire life – mine! As you can imagine, it was with no small amount of trepidation that I entered the doors of the slightly dilapidated looking building which seemed out of place right in the middle of a strip mall.

Once I made it inside (it was very brightly lit and much cleaner and friendlier than I expected, given the facade), there was a young woman standing there, dressed very professionally. Sweating, I stammered out what I was looking for. She smiled very broadly and directed me to the back of the building, where there were several other people milling about. I looked around and immediately saw the one I wanted. It seemed so simple . . .

***

I sat on the edge of the mattress and looked up at the girl. She was younger than I expected, although I couldn't imagine that they would hire anyone under 18. What did I know about this business, though?

"Okay, Adam, now I'm going to do a few things, and I want you to tell me how they feel and what you think. First, though, you need to relax. I do this every day, and I am an expert. Just lay back, close your eyes, and enjoy, okay?" She had a genuine smile on her face as she said this, and I'll tell you – she was absolutely gorgeous. I wanted nothing more than to make her day, and I bet I wasn't the first guy to walk in with that goal.

I laid back on the mattress, and closed my eyes. I'm good at following orders from beautiful women.

"Do you like how firm this is?" she asked, guiding my hand. The mattress squeaked.

"Yes. That's very nice."

"Now put your hands here. Can you feel how bouncy and smooth it is? Wouldn't you want to be on top of this?"

"Oh yes."

"And how does this feel, Adam?" She breathed into my ear as my nose caught the faint scent of lilac from her hair.

"My God! That's fantastic!"

"And this?" The mattress squeaked some more.

"Wow, I am so glad I decided to do this! It never felt like this at home!"

Her giggle was infectious, and I could feel the moment coming. I was about to finish this transaction, if you will, and I couldn't believe it was happening so quickly. A few more exchanges, a little more bouncing and thrusting and feeling, and it was done. I felt warm all over. The moment was past, and I immediately tensed up again. I might have imagined it, but I think I saw the pity in her eyes.

This was where it got awkward. Sitting up, I reached for my wallet. "Do I pay you, or how does this work? It's my first time." I blushed furiously.

"It's okay, Adam," she said, "I can always tell the ones who have never done this before. You don't pay me – you pay over there." She pointed to a man in a purple suit sitting in a large, overstuffed chair on a raised platform.

"Thank you, Sarah," I said. "And what was your last name again?"

"Tsk, tsk, Adam," she admonished. "You know that we're not allowed to give you that information. However, if you ever want anything else – a double, one nightstand, a lazy boy special – just ask for me by name. I'll take care of you, sweetie." And with a gentle nudge, I began walking towards the man in purple, wallet in hand. With a glance over my shoulder, I realized that Sarah had already moved onto the next customer, and my innocence was forever shattered.

And that was the first time I ever bought a mattress from Rooms to Go.

Nothing to see here

Monday, April 16th, 2007

Too tired to write anything substantial today. Instead, I'll direct you over to a hilarious video blog post by Heather. She's drunk, she's wearing Mickey Mouse ears, and she's playing with action figures. What could be funnier?

So, go check her out and laugh and comment and encourage her to post even more drunk vlogs.

Bullets are flying

Friday, April 13th, 2007

I have just realized that almost every post I've written in recent history has had either bullets or a numbered list as the focus of the post. What the fuck is up with that? And here I was about to do a lazy Friday bullet post, but I can't!

So now I have to write an actual post. And since people are more likely to read bullets because they can skim, all of this genius and writing effort will be wasted. In fact, I bet that nobody even reads this sentence and can post a comment telling me which word is spelled wrong. But, I digress. On with the rest of my rambling post.

Certifiable Princess:

Before I forget, I needed to pimp out my favorite JAP (sorry, Steph and Robin, but she knows where I live!). She's the chick with a dick, the Jew who wants my goo, the beauty with a great booty, the New Yawker who wants my cock in'er, Certifiable Princess:! And she's up for Best Shopping Blog, so go vote for her.

Weekend of Horror!

Tonight I have a very special visitor coming for four days to take advantage of me fiscally, emotionally, materially, and physically. By the end, I'll be eating tons of Ibuprofen and will be tired, cranky, liable to snap at a moment's notice, and sobbing constantly. I'm talking, of course, about my period. Oh yeah, and Britt's visiting.

We had a conversation once about a year ago where I asked if I could sell her into white slavery, since she was so hot and all. She misunderstood and thought I was asking if I could hire her to sell for me bravely. I never wanted to correct her, so I didn't, and now she's coming down for what she thinks is an interview. However, on Tuesday, there is a Lithuanian gentleman named Farvis with a blonde Midwestern fetish who will be quite happy. And I'll be $25 simoleans richer.

My Balls

So, I decided to shave my balls. I started by using clippers, and trimmed them down to about 1/4 of an inch. Then, I started using wax to get rid of them. After doing the balls, which was so painful that I passed out four times, there was something clearly wrong. With a hairy man-bush, hairy legs, a hairy ass, and a hairy back, my balls just started glowing as the only hairless part of my body. They looked like floating orbs among a forest of pubic yarn. So I decided that I needed to remove more hair for it to look more natural. Out came the wax again, and six painful hours later, the man-bush was gone. But the hairy stomach, happy trail, legs, and ass, all remained. So, just like when you're trying to make your sideburns even and end up shaving them all the way up to your hairline, this became a very slippery slope.

After the balls and the man-bush, I was left with the pubic area of a 10-year old boy (except larger. Maybe). Then I did the legs so that I looked like a shaved gorilla from the crotch down. I think I'll get more fluid dynamics when swimming in the pool now! After the legs, I just started on the stomach and chest, until all that was left was my back, head, face, and arms.

Doing the arms were easy. That was nothing. The back, however, took some creativity. What I did was roll around in the hot wax that I put in a plastic kiddie pool. Then I jumped onto the strips that were laying on the floor, until they covered my back. Finally, I attached a string to the strips and tied it to the car's front bumper, and then just let the car roll down a hill. Sounds like a good plan, eh? No. The strips held firm and dragged me down the hill a bit until I got lodged against another car and they ripped free in one painful move. The car rolled into the lake, but at least now I have the smoothest back of any ape alive.

So now, after finishing my face, all I need is somebody to help me wax my asshole. Any volunteers?

Tuesday!

Other than being the day I get paid $25 for selling Britt into slavery, it's also the day that (I can barely handle the excitement) Avril Lavigne's new CD comes out! *squeal*!!! I'm so excited!

And that's it for today. Happy Friday and I'll try to post during the weekend if I survive.

It's hard being a pimp

Monday, April 9th, 2007

Pimp Avitable

I've decided to stop whoring for votes for "Best Humor Blog" because at this point, I'll either get it or I won't. And if I don't, the old vanguard will.

So I'm changing over to pimping. While there are many hos that I have who could use some pimping, I have to make the special effort for my special ho – the crème de la crème – the one that all the boys ask for by name. This ho has all of the boys itching to spend their money and then sends them away just itching.

These men see her ads in the back of reputable publications and line up around the block to get a chance to ride the rollercoaster (Must be 7" long to ride). Black, white, yellow, red, and brown, one by one, they enter, and, 30 seconds later, they leave. Some with smiles, some in tears (of joy), but all in love. All of them willing to fork over their hard-earned cash for another pass at that ass.

So go on over, give my #1 ho the once-over, and vote for her cute ass all over the fuckin' place. Ya dig?


Just a sample picture of my #1 ho after an evening out
with the Los Angeles Lakers. Ignore the schmear. I've
protected her identity to keep any other pimps from stealing her
and offering her more than the 3% cut she gets:
Pimpin


(Yes, I know my photo is not a pimp photo. My camera didn't have the proper purple hat with feather. Just use your fuckin' imagination, okay? Thanks to my special ho for the post idea.)