I have just realized that almost every post I've written in recent history has had either bullets or a numbered list as the focus of the post. What the fuck is up with that? And here I was about to do a lazy Friday bullet post, but I can't!

So now I have to write an actual post. And since people are more likely to read bullets because they can skim, all of this genius and writing effort will be wasted. In fact, I bet that nobody even reads this sentence and can post a comment telling me which word is spelled wrong. But, I digress. On with the rest of my rambling post.

Certifiable Princess:

Before I forget, I needed to pimp out my favorite JAP (sorry, Steph and Robin, but she knows where I live!). She's the chick with a dick, the Jew who wants my goo, the beauty with a great booty, the New Yawker who wants my cock in'er, Certifiable Princess:! And she's up for Best Shopping Blog, so go vote for her.

Weekend of Horror!

Tonight I have a very special visitor coming for four days to take advantage of me fiscally, emotionally, materially, and physically. By the end, I'll be eating tons of Ibuprofen and will be tired, cranky, liable to snap at a moment's notice, and sobbing constantly. I'm talking, of course, about my period. Oh yeah, and Britt's visiting.

We had a conversation once about a year ago where I asked if I could sell her into white slavery, since she was so hot and all. She misunderstood and thought I was asking if I could hire her to sell for me bravely. I never wanted to correct her, so I didn't, and now she's coming down for what she thinks is an interview. However, on Tuesday, there is a Lithuanian gentleman named Farvis with a blonde Midwestern fetish who will be quite happy. And I'll be $25 simoleans richer.

My Balls

So, I decided to shave my balls. I started by using clippers, and trimmed them down to about 1/4 of an inch. Then, I started using wax to get rid of them. After doing the balls, which was so painful that I passed out four times, there was something clearly wrong. With a hairy man-bush, hairy legs, a hairy ass, and a hairy back, my balls just started glowing as the only hairless part of my body. They looked like floating orbs among a forest of pubic yarn. So I decided that I needed to remove more hair for it to look more natural. Out came the wax again, and six painful hours later, the man-bush was gone. But the hairy stomach, happy trail, legs, and ass, all remained. So, just like when you're trying to make your sideburns even and end up shaving them all the way up to your hairline, this became a very slippery slope.

After the balls and the man-bush, I was left with the pubic area of a 10-year old boy (except larger. Maybe). Then I did the legs so that I looked like a shaved gorilla from the crotch down. I think I'll get more fluid dynamics when swimming in the pool now! After the legs, I just started on the stomach and chest, until all that was left was my back, head, face, and arms.

Doing the arms were easy. That was nothing. The back, however, took some creativity. What I did was roll around in the hot wax that I put in a plastic kiddie pool. Then I jumped onto the strips that were laying on the floor, until they covered my back. Finally, I attached a string to the strips and tied it to the car's front bumper, and then just let the car roll down a hill. Sounds like a good plan, eh? No. The strips held firm and dragged me down the hill a bit until I got lodged against another car and they ripped free in one painful move. The car rolled into the lake, but at least now I have the smoothest back of any ape alive.

So now, after finishing my face, all I need is somebody to help me wax my asshole. Any volunteers?

Tuesday!

Other than being the day I get paid $25 for selling Britt into slavery, it's also the day that (I can barely handle the excitement) Avril Lavigne's new CD comes out! *squeal*!!! I'm so excited!

And that's it for today. Happy Friday and I'll try to post during the weekend if I survive.