This weekend, I received a package from Poppy. Before I could take any photos, though, I devoured the entire package whole. So here is my artistic recreation of the contents of my stomach, which include her package, among other items.
Thanks, Poppy! You're my favorite blogger from France!
Poppy doesn't like alligator. Britt was mean to our dimwitted waitress. I held my pee for the thirty-minute drive home and almost exploded. That's a summary of our dinner together in less than 25 words. And here's the other thousand:
Hi everyone, Poppy here. Don't let all the other Substitute Avitables fool you into thinking otherwise: Avi is all about the absolutely filthy, bordering on criminal, sexual perversion. Because I find his predilection for prepubescent school girls fairly disturbing I thought I’d take it down a notch and post something completely tame just to make him sorry that he asked me to guest post while he lazily hangs out naked in the pool with his Emma Watson Look-Alikes fan club getting a sunburn on his happy stick.
I know he says I can make anything dirty but that’s simply not true. I am completely capable of posting innocent, clean-cut content that is safe for even your freakishly smart 2-year-old to read. As proof I submit to you:
10 things you should do for your kitty. Daily.
Feed her. Can’t have a starving kitty, that’s just mean. She prefers foods that will go down her throat easily, but as long as you make bite-sized pieces for her she'll really eat anything.
Groom her. She grooms herself, but she does appreciate when you help her out a bit with that. Some kitties even enjoy a bit of a shave!
Give her kisses. Lots and lots of kisses. Kisses are her favorite.
Pet her. No petting, no love. Plus, petting your kitty is very therapeutic for you, according to "science".
Tell her she’s pretty. She does do all that work to keep herself maintained so the least you can do is compliment her for her effort.
Call her. She really enjoys it when her Hello Kitty cell phone vibrates. (Polite kitties always have their phones set to "manner mode".)
Let her out. She gets a bit musty if she stays inside too long.
Introduce her to other kitties. The sight of a bunch of kitties at play is pretty much as close to perfection as anyone can get. She enjoys it too, but this is really more for your pleasure than hers.
Give her lots of toys. Or at least one big toy. Gotta keep the girl occupied and content all day, not just for the first few minutes of the day.
If you do all these things for your kitty and she's still not happy then might I suggest that you take advantage of my one time special offer for private tutoring lessons. All proceeds go to the Rehabilitate Adam H. Avitable fund. We understand it's a lost cause, but we try anyway.
Today is the birthday of a blogger whom I've been reading for a very long time – one of my favorite bloggers, the Horny Horndog, the Perky Perv, Poppy! To celebrate her birthday, I thought I'd share some little known facts about little ol' Poppy:
She says she's in France. Others say she's in Louisiana or Idaho. But the truth is that she surfs the web via satellite connection aboard her ark, which contains two of every animal in the world. She floats the seven seas, surfing the web, growing a small garden, and drinking her urine which was filtered ala Waterworld.
She's turning 33. However, her boobs are 4, her nose is 6, and left arm is 1 (it's cybernetic).
She has 135 cats. And they're all named Kitty.
When Poppy drinks, she likes to go down to bars and beat up the biggest, strongest biker she can find. She's banned from 14 bars in her home state now.
Poppy has an amazing ability to take any word or phrase and turn it into some type of sexual come-on. It's quite impressive!
She can eat a 96 oz. steak in four bites.
They Might Be Giants once did a song dedicated to her called "Poppy smoppy foppy woppy".
She has a tattoo that says "Fuck you, I'm walking here" on her inside thigh, next to a mole shaped like a four-leaf clover.
Happy birthday, Poppy! Here's some artwork for you, but you can click it for the high res version!
Sorry about last week's absence. This week, it's the All Girl Week in Review! A bevy of beauties' blogs that deserve your attention. Here is the image in a larger, easier-to-read format, without the image map.
Amy stripped down naked and went on webcam finally, after much prompting. And she wasn't even drunk!
Poppy tells her husband that she hurt her back after having sex with 7 men and 4 women. Understandable!
Britt does her monthly post on Burt's Stache, where she will try to be funny without being a whore or talking about her vagina. Good luck! The post will be there in the late morning, so look for it then.
Crystal flexes her muscles – acting, singing, dancing, philosophizing, sermonizing, and physical. She's clearly a Spartan.
Miss Misery is 18 and legal now! Which means that I should no longer feel bad about my erection.
If you have problems viewing this, update your damn browser or use Firefox or Opera! You can also view it directly on Youtube through this link.
As it says in the video, leave me suggestions for two random keywords or concepts to discuss for my subsequent vlogs. Anything's fine – I'm open to it.
Also, for another video post this Saturday, check out Poppy Cedes! She's mean to me on video.
With apologies to NYCWD, who does an awesome Sunday Smorgasbord every week (he's on #25 now!), I have also decided to use Sunday as for a new weekly post: my week in review. I'm going to pick five posts (one for each day of the working week) from other bloggers and illustrate them on one page. I'll try to pick different bloggers each week, if at all possible, although I'm sure there will always be certain favorites.
You can also mouseover each illustration to go to that post.
Dave celebrated his 4th Blogiversary with contests, prizes, and a lot of effort. I've got both my 3-year anniversary and 1,000th post coming up in the next few months, so I think I'm going to try to emulate Dave as much as possible. Although when I do it, there will be much more nudity.
Amy, Britt and I had a threesome . . . of writing. We wrote a round-robin 3-part story that was very funny and really highlighted each of our individual writing strengths. It's something we'll definitely be trying again.
Crystal dyed her hair red as an homage to "Run Lola Run" and then jetted off to Prague. Whether or not she's going to have to relive her day as she tries to steal enough money to save her boyfriend is still undetermined.
Poppy discovered the magic of Strawberry Milkshake Oreos, and then grooved to my milkshake dance. These cookies are available for a limited time, and they are amazing. I even ventured into a Wal-Mart (*gasp* I know, it's crazy!) to buy some – that should tell you how delicious and magical they are.
Bluepaintred's baby turned 5 years old and she turned into a mommyblogger for a day. But she's allowed, because she's one of the more foul-mouthed, dirty-minded mommybloggers around.
Hi everyone, Poppy here. Don't let all the other Substitute Avitables fool you into thinking otherwise: Avi is all about the absolutely filthy, bordering on criminal, sexual perversion. Because I find his predilection for prepubescent school girls fairly disturbing I thought I’d take it down a notch and post something completely tame just to make him sorry that he asked me to guest post while he lazily hangs out naked in the pool with his Emma Watson Look-Alikes fan club getting a sunburn on his happy stick.
