Posts Tagged ‘postcards’

Speel gud

Thursday, August 30th, 2007

I had this clever post all ready to go. My eyes were bothering me, so I thought I would just close my eyes and type out a rambling post completely blindly. The plan was that it would be funny because I would make stupid misspellings and errors, and then trying not to go back and correct them would drive me crazy!

Yeah, that didn't work. Apparently, I type better with my eyes closed. I didn't make a single mistake, and I was using quotes and parentheses and numbers, too.

Fuck.

Well . . .

Um . . .

Just go buy some Postcards.

And go check out the latest in hilarity in the form of IM conversations over at These Walls!

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Posted in Rants | 39 Comments »

Shop 'til you drop

Monday, July 16th, 2007

Postcard Hell

Postcard Hell is now officially open! Before you go shop your little fingers off, though, please keep the following notes in mind:

  • There may be a few bugs. If something isn't working, please use the contact form at Postcard Hell and let me know.
  • Orders will take about two weeks to ship.
  • To commemorate the opening of my storefront, I created a brand new postcard design that you can only see by visiting Postcard Hell!
  • If you have suggestions for dirty or embarrassing postcards, use the contact form at Postcard Hell to submit them and if I use your idea, you'll get a free 4-pack of that postcard!
  • I'll try to add a new design every couple of weeks. Use the email subscription form at Postcard Hell to get an email every time I add a new design.
  • Don't forget to come back here and leave a comment telling me what you think.

Happy Monday!

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Posted in Whoring | 55 Comments »

Postcard Update

Monday, June 18th, 2007

Before I talk about the postcard update, allow me to clarify a few things:

1. No, I'm not expecting a child. I may never be expecting a child. This was a prank pulled on me by Amy and Britt, and they did an impressive job, especially by supplementing it with posts on their own blogs and a fake IM conversation between the two of them over on These Walls Have Ears. I still love them, and it was pretty damn funny.

2. For those of you who believed it, there are a few things of which you should be aware. First, if we were having a baby, there is an extremely good chance that I wouldn't post anything about it on here at all. Even if I changed my mind and actually posted something, it wouldn't be until the second trimester once the biggest threat of miscarriage had passed. Even at that point, if I were to write something, I would write something funny, not a serious post. And most importantly, I wouldn't misspell anything!!

3. Knowing my stance on children, for those of you who did believe it, don't you think sympathy or an expression of horror would be more in line than congratulations? I mean, I do appreciate the goodwill from all of you fuckers, but c'mon. If I was expecting a child, I'd be horrified and damn near suicidal. Or homicidal. Some type of -cidal.

Any questions? Good. Now, onto less frightening topics. As I'm sure you remember, a little over a week ago, I offered to send a horrifying and disgusting postcard to anyone who wanted one, with Avitable art on the front. Well, the postcards were mailed on Saturday across the US and to Canada, Australia, Sweden, and the Netherlands. In the end, I wrote almost 60 of them. If you requested one, you should be receiving it over the next week or so. If you didn't request one, or if you want to spoil yourself, you can see the designs I created.

I designed 6 different postcards and randomly chose who was getting which design. I printed them myself using Avery postcards, and was pretty happy with them, except that they are not quite the same paper stock as most postcards, and they're a bit thinner. For my first effort, they still turned out okay, and I hope you get a kick out of them. I used the space on the back to expand on the message on the front of the postcard in graphic, explicit detail. You'll see what I mean once you get yours.

Here are the 6 designs:

Design #1
Design #2
Design #3
Design #4
Design #5
Design #6

In my post last week, I also said that the postcards from Heather, Vulgar Wizard, and Mr. Fabulous inspired me to do two different things. The first one was a secret, and this project was the second inspiration.

I will now reveal my first, secret inspiration:

When I first decided to do the postcard project, I searched for a website that sold postcards that were embarrassing and horrifying. Postcards that had messages on the covers that you wouldn't want your mailman reading. If I could have found such a site, I would have bought several packs to use, instead of creating my own.

However, as far as I can tell, there really isn't a site like that. So I decided to make one! Without further ado, I introduce Postcard Hell:

Postcard Hell

Right now, there's just a placeholder (or if the DNS hasn't propagated, nothing), but pretty soon I will have it set up to sell the six postcards I designed as a pack that you will be able to purchase and send to your friends, enemies, and pets! I plan on adding more designs, including plenty that are not my artwork, all with the main goal of passing on humiliating messages to anyone that you want to reach!

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Posted in My Art | 57 Comments »

Hot flashes

Friday, June 15th, 2007

I asked my Papa to email me a funny story that I could post on my blog. He had no idea what a blog was, and he wrote it in all caps, but here you go:

AT OUR HOME IN N.C. WE HAD A MAN THAT DID OUR UPHOLSTERY WORK === DURING THE WINTER WHEN WE WERE IN FL. THE POOR GUY DIED ==WHEN WE CAME UP TO N.C AND WE WENT BY HIS HOUSE WE STOPPED AND I SAID HI TO HIS WIFE === NOW HE WORKED IN HIS SHOP IN HIS KITCHEN AND ALSO IN HIS BASEMENT ===I ASKED THE WIFE =IS ROY ==POINTING UP ==UP== OR POINTING DOWN ==DOWN === SHE SAY'S ==WELL I HOPE HE'S UP == I SAID ==IS IT O.K. IF I GO SEE HIM ?? SHE SAID === DID YOU KNOW ROY DIED ===I ALMOST DROPPED DEAD === I SAID I AM SO SORRY ==I DID NOT KNOW === TALK ABOUT PUTTING YOUR FOOT IN YOUR MOUTH ===

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Go visit Miss Misery for two reasons. First, she's 18 today and needs your birthday wishes. Even if you don't know her, just go say "Happy Birthday" in her comments. Secondly, she's got a post where she's trying to get people's opinion on developmentally disabled people in the workforce. Y'all are somewhat educated as a group, so give her your opinion.

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Postcards are going out today or Monday. I'm hoping people are appropriately horrified and embarrassed when they get them in the mail. If your cute little grandmother is staying with you next week, don't, for the love of the Pope and all that is holy, let her get the mail. Her frail little wizened heart cannot take it. I made 6 different designs that I will post next week sometime. If you haven't emailed me your address yet, you still have a chance!

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Went and saw Ocean's Thirteen last night. I loved the first one and can re-watch it anytime it's on. The second one was overblown and self-indulgent. The third one gets back to the basics and was almost as fun as the original. Al Pacino and Ellen Barkin were great additions to the cast, and I loved the relationship between Brad Pitt and George Clooney. I'm looking forward to seeing this again, either in the theaters or on DVD.

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Thank you to everyone who sent me Rewards numbers for Coke products. They can be found on the insides of caps and at the ends of 12-packs – please keep them coming!

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I discovered that the only topping for a good Stuffed Crust Pizza is pepperoni. Adding ground beef as a topping just ruins it.

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Posted in Serious stuff | 47 Comments »

It is all a lie

Monday, June 11th, 2007

Since I'm busy working on the postcards, I didn't have time to write a post today. So I have a guest poster! And before I introduce him, don't forget to head over to Burt Reynolds' Mustache to read my post from yesterday. It's lonely and needs your comments.

This man has known me for over 30 years. He's a 73-year old entrepreneur, an amateur comedian, a Masshole, and my grandfather. Please welcome my Papa.

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First, let me tell you that if it wasn't for my grandson, this post would be in all capital letters. Apparently in the world of the internet this is considered shouting, and I have been shouting every time I have sent an email for the last few years.

Now, when Ahmoo (we call him Ahmoo because that's the only way his little brother could say his name many years ago) told me he wanted me to write a guest post for his blog, I had no idea what a blog even was. He explained that it was like an online diary, which doesn't make a lick of sense to me. It seems a diary should be private, but what do I know? In my day, the only people who kept diaries were little girls. I hope Ahmoo's not a little girl. Although, now that I think about it, we don't have any great-grandkids yet!

I wish that was going to be the only time that I said "In my day", but it's not. You see, I've spent quite a bit of time on the internet using ebay and buying and selling my figurines. I get lots of emails that seem to be hoaxes and scams from people telling me that I need to click here and type this to verify my account or password. Before I do anything, though, I always forward it to Ahmoo for him to tell me if it's legitimate or not.

The thing is, he always responds in about 20 seconds, no matter what time of day or night. And that's just not normal, to be spending so much time on the computer, every single day of the week. In my day, we were active. We would do yard work and help family members and have a "honey-do" list of everything that needed fixing around the house. We would listen to the radio occasionally, and when television was around, we might watch Ed Sullivan once in a while. But it just seems abnormal to be parked in front of a giant box all day long, staring at a screen until your eyes go bad.

It's okay, though. Ahmoo's a good kid. I've watched him grow up (and grow and grow and grow, if you know what I mean), and he hasn't turned out half-bad. There was that time where he joined the circus but got kicked out because he couldn't fit in the tiny clown car. And when he got his head stuck in a toilet as a boy, we worried that he might not be too smart, but he proved us wrong. Sometimes. It's amazing how some of the smart ones never have any common sense.

Anyways, I am not sure really what else to write, but I thought I'd share one more embarrassing story. When Ahmoo was two years old, I would drive him to pre-school early in the morning. Part of our trip took us up a hill, and at the top, you could see the Tomoka River. We played a game called "I can see the river first." However, I would always distract him in some way and then, as we reached the top, I would shout, "I can see the river first!" And Ahmoo would cry and cry. This might explain why he's so competitive about everything now!

Okay, now back to my Hummels. Get off my lawn!

-PAPA

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Posted in Serious stuff, Uncategorized | 29 Comments »

Postcards, meet edge.

Friday, June 8th, 2007

Today, I received two very funny postcards in the mail (see behind the fold for postcards), one each from Heather and Vulgar Wizard. These two, along with the one from Mr. Fabulous, have inspired me to do two different things. The first thing is completely a secret for now. The second thing is to steal Fab's idea!

That's right, I'm going to send a postcard to anyone who wants one. These aren't just any old postcards, though. These postcards will be adorned with a reprint of an original Avitable work of art, and each one will contain a personal message from yours truly. The message will probably be vulgar and will definitely not be something you want your child, priest, mother, grandmother, or Great-Aunt Trudy to read.

Since I have to draw the art, and then send it off to get the postcards printed, it will take a couple of weeks before you get them, but, rest assured, they will be on their way.

So, while you're sitting there, trembling with anticipation, how do you get one of these once-in-a-lifetime postcards? These cards that will soon become collector's items worth millions? All you have to do is follow these simple rules.

1. Leave a comment telling me that you want one. Even if you're a lurker, it's okay – go ahead and let me know.
2. I will email you to confirm, and you will have to reply with your address within a reasonable time.
3. Go stand by your mailbox and don't leave until it comes!

(more…)

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Posted in My Art | 103 Comments »