On Tuesday, September 8th, at 12 PM EST, President Barack Obama will address our nation's students. Controversy has arisen over the President's audacity in scheduling this Presidential Address. "I ain't let a black man talk to mah kids since 2005 when the mailman delivered a certified letter saying we wuz being foreclosed on. He was a nigra, and look what happened. We done lost our house!" complains Debra Whitetrashia of Jonesboro, Arkansas. Her very rational complaint is being echoed by equally even-tempered, logical conservative families nationwide.
Concerned with the unknown and arbitrary message that our duly elected President could transmit to these children, Julie Lichtinass of Memphis, Tennessee, states, "I was watching the news one day with my sons Eli and Jonah when the reporter, a nice Oriental girl, interviewed witnesses to an accident. Before anyone could do anything, one of the witnesses used a vile swear word that neither of my children had ever heard before. They started asking me questions about the word and its associations and it was very uncomfortable. I don't think it should be allowed for just anybody to make a video that my children have to watch in their school. It's not American!"
Worry not, my brothers and sisters in the Resistance against Socialism and black people. At great risk to myself and my family, I have acquired the content of President Obama's address to our students, and to those of you who have decided that your child will stay home on Tuesday, I applaud you. By keeping your child from their education and delaying their learning by a day, you, madam or sir, are a true American hero.
PRESIDENTIAL "BACK TO SCHOOL" ADDRESS FOR STUDENTS:
Hi there kids! I'm President Barack Obama, but you can call me Barry. Or the One. Whatever works for you.
Anyways, I'm here today to talk to you about going back to school. I'm a huge proponent of our education system. In fact, without my degrees from Columbia and Harvard, I wouldn't be here at all, no matter how much bribing was done by the secret Muslim factions who support me and my inevitable destruction of America from within.
Attending school might sometimes seem boring or unnecessary, but if you're going to succeed in life, it can be a huge boon. Each of you has it in you to achieve greatness, unless you're a Caucasian in the middle class or higher – you have too much of an advantage, so I'm doing everything I can to oppress your rights, take away your money, destroy your investments, turn your children into homosexuals, and send you into abject poverty.
The rest of you, though? Your untapped potential is tremendous, and you should trust in your teachers to help you start to achieve that potential. Although, if you have any science teachers who don't understand what scientific theory is and teach creationism instead of evolution, please report them to the local police and we will have them reassigned, after a little re-education.
With the right education, you might become a lawyer. Who knows, your first big case could be a groundbreaking case where a man can marry the sheep he loves! Or you could become a doctor, where you could make as much as $10.50 per hour aborting babies under my new health care plan! No matter what career path you choose, rest assured that you will be supporting my amoral Socialist regime that will destroy the very fabric of the Christian faith while removing all vestiges of capitalism from this once great country of yours.
Look, let me be honest. In the end, it really doesn't matter if you go to school. If you do well and graduate and get additional education, I'll just set salary limits that won't let you get paid what you deserve. If you don't do well and drop out and get a dead end job or just do drugs, I'll provide you with so much public assistance that you'll make more money and live a more fulfilling life than those who got a degree. And if you're here illegally? No tienes aprender Ingles! That is the American dream, and as a Democrat, it's the dream that I'm blood sworn to protect. No really – it's a real blood oath. We have wiccans in our party who can really fuck your shit up.
Thank you, and God bless the Great White Satan America.
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