Tag Archives: product review

To beard or not to beard: My Beard Adventures experience

“You should let your beard grow out,” she cupped my chin with one of her hands. For almost ten years, I’d kept my beard maintained with weekly trips to my neighborhood barber shop. In my head, there were two options: a close trim or looking homeless. It never occurred to me that there was another way.

I turned my head on my pillow to face her. “You think so? Don’t you think it would look disheveled and awful?”

She dragged her naked leg slowly up my body and pulled me closer to her. Along her journey, she discovered, not-so-subtly, that I might be ready for round two. “I think it would look sexy,” she whispered in my ear, and the might bes turned into definitelys.

So, I grew my beard out. Didn’t take long. Now it’s been over a year.

The full beard of comedian Adam Heath Avitable

It’s a fine line, however, between looking like a boy who doesn’t know how to use a razor and a man who’s breaking in the wild horse on his face. My barber visits each week became focused on shaping and edging instead of trimming. Keep the neck clean, keep the head clean, tame the sides, let nature do what she will with the front. The wiry hairs were coarse, and I worried about the pain it might inflict on the women who would deem me worthy of their time. I worried about chafing their cheeks, scraping their thighs, breaking their hearts.

That’s when I learned about the world of beard care. Beard oils and treatments. Products designed purely for softening and taming. Smelling nice and feeling good. Things every man can get behind.

Preferring to support local business as much as I can, I reached out to a company based out of Orlando called Beard Adventures. They provided me with a set of three beard oils to try for free: Lumberjack, Outback, and Black Pepper. I chose those three out of a bevy of beard care scents including spiced rum, bourbon, whiskey smash, mojito, black coffee, and more. I went home, and each day, after a hot shower, I’d choose one and rub the oil thoroughly throughout this monstrosity that has taken over my face, taming it down.

Set of beard oils from beard care company Beard Adventure

I’d travel to my daily haunts – my local restaurants, my local strip clubs, my local comedy club – supporting my local vendors, servers, and single mothers. I’d approach my friends. And strangers, because I felt emboldened.

“Smell my beard,” I’d say. Some were equally bold, planting their nose firmly in and inhaling deeply. Others required convincing. “It’s not a trick, I just want your opinion.” Some still weren’t convinced. “I’ll give you a dollar.” The last resort always worked.

And the responses were unanimous:

“Wow, that smells sexy.”
“I like that!”
“Where did you get that from?”
“Can I smell you again?”
“Now do you want a lap dance?”

Beard care can turn you from a sweaty neckbearded child into a sultry badass with a dark past. From an unhygienic nerdblaster to the savvy king of the geeks. From Hagrid to Gandalf. And I wholeheartedly recommend Beard Adventures for all of your beard care needs. And in fact, if you or a loved one has a beard that needs some tender loving care, how about an opportunity to win a free set of three beard oils with beard comb?

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Disclaimer: I was not paid for this review, and I received the products for free from Beard Adventures. I also got three lap dances, but they were free, mostly because my beard smelled so fucking awesome.

Reaching My Egotistical Limits: Signazon Window Clings

A few weeks ago, I got approached by Signazon.com about doing a review of one of their products. It’s not my normal thing, but when someone wants to send you a free product plus pay you to write a completely objective review of their product, who am I to say no to that? I’m not Jesus.

Looking through their site, I realized that their products are for the small to large business who wants to market a product or service, inform the public, or annoy everyone with a really distracting car that you can’t stop looking at as you’re trying to drive 90 mph down the road. They let you turn your design into a sticker or into car decals and giant magnets and all types of custom business products that seem pretty fucking cool.

I do, in fact, own a business, but with no brick and mortar store (hell, I don’t even wear pants) or any tangible business location, it didn’t make sense to use their custom products for something pertinent to my company. Not that this will stop some businesses – the other day, I saw a kid dressed as a giant tooth standing outside a dentist’s office spinning a sign that said “Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is”. Why is that a valuable way to spend your marketing money? Is someone going to be driving by with an impacted molar or need a dental night guard and say “Hey! I don’t need to research the doctor who I’ll trust my dental health to! Why would I ask for recommendations from friends for someone to be my doctor? I’ll just go the place with the sullen teenager in the giant fucking tooth costume!” I guess it could have been worse – at least it wasn’t an Ob/Gyn.

Anyway. After looking through Signazon’s site and settling on a window cling that would be two feet wide by four feet tall, I tried to figure out what I wanted on it. It would be going on one of my front or back windows, and I felt like it should have an important message.

“Recycle!” Nah.

“Solicitors and Jehovah’s Witnesses will be flashed by a fat naked man.” No, they all know that already. I’m in the newsletter.

“Welcome to The Avitable Camp For Wayward Women.” I mean, that is the actual name for my home on Foursquare, but nah.

And then I had it. I wanted something that I could look at on my bedroom’s rear sliding glass doors every morning as I woke up. Something that would inspire me. Motivate me. Arouse me.

Adam Avitable's Wall Cling from Signazon

When the window cling arrived from Signazon, I was impressed with it. It’s see-through, easy to read, and applied very easily to my slider. I wish that instructions had come in the box rather than emailed with my order, but that’s a minor concern. I’ve had it clinging to my slider for the past few weeks without incident. It’s high quality and something I would totally buy and use for a business if mine was a brick and mortar store or had local services like an ice cream parlor, an exterminator, a contractor or plumber, or a local escort service.

And if you’re wondering, I totally got paid to write this review and got the product for free, but the guys at Signazon have no control over what I’m actually going to say. In fact, I think they’re probably trying to figure out what the hell they were thinking by asking me of all people to review their products. All I can say to that is that it could have been worse, guys. It could have been so much worse.

Now if only a psychiatrist would pay me to review her services as she offers me free counseling to deal with the narcissism . . .

S&M melts in your crotch, not in your hands: Product Review

Hey everyone – Avitable here. When someone emailed me and asked if they could use my blog as a forum to review sex toys anonymously, how could I have said anything other than yes? Please to enjoy:

I love to have sex.
And when I say sex?
I mean fuck your brains out sweaty slamming against the wall sex.
I don’t have anywhere else to write about my love of sex and with Adam being the lover of all things fuck has been gracious enough to allow me use of his space and Eden Fantasys has allowed me to try out a few new tools in my bedroom. What follows is my report on the Beginner’s Bondage Fantasy Kit along with the Whipper Tickler.

First of all, the bondage kit. The blindfold is pretty comfortable and seems to work well, it doesn’t have the typical gap at the bottom allowing for peeks at what’s about to happen to you which is good for anticipation. The cuffs are soft and for now seem strong enough to hold up to the hardest of struggles. The biggest drawback is my bed has nowhere to tie the straps to. Make sure you have a four poster bed to tie them to or a single bed so you can tie the straps together and run them under the mattress. I ended up having to just wrap the straps around his wrists and ankles, which made it hard to get between his legs and give him a proper blow job. And if I couldn’t get his legs apart enough to blow him? There’s no way I’m ever going to be satisfied with my ankles tied together.

It’s the vulnerability that makes S&M so hot.

The Whipper Tickler has a puff of feathers on one end and soft rubbery threads on the other (think Koosh ball.) The stick is made of hard plastic and on the back of the box it had the suggestion of lubing up the handle and “playing the violin” between your partners legs.

While we haven’t had the chance to reciprocate with the Whipper Tickler I can tell you the thought of being tied up, teased, tickled and played like a violin has my heart racing. While the whip part of this toy could be washed, the feather end would be rendered useless if it were to get lube or love juices on it, so keep use it to get your lover warmed up, not when they’re already hot, heaving, sweaty and begging for more.

With a combined price of less than $35 these two items are an amazing introduction into the world of bondage. Versatile and inconspicuous, they’re good in case you forget to put them away as they won’t going garner as much attention as say some kitty print whip with a mask. (Hardcore sex 101? Find somewhere safe to keep your stuff. If you think it’s safe, it’s probably not. Move it, especially if you have kids.)

Think you’re too shy to tie your lover up? Let me tell you this. We all have “that girl” or “that guy” inside of us. That person who wants to scream, dig their nails into the flesh of their lover, that person who wants to be remembered as the best someone has ever had even if only for one night. Insecurities and inhibitions get in the way. But if your mate is tied up? Blindfolded? They will be unable to defend themselves or see you lose your “manners.” Go ahead, touch yourself and purr. They’ll never know until you are either dripping wet with desire or throbbing to get inside. Smack them with the whip and leave a mark they’ll remember at tomorrows boring business meeting. Want to sit on your partner’s face? Do it and thank me later.

Take control of your pleasure, go ahead, they have no choice but to obey.

Avitable here again. Thanks for the review! I think this might become a recurring feature, so we need a name for this anonymous reviewer. Any suggestions?

Pamela the Luscious Love Doll

I’ve reviewed a Blowjob Imitator and a Prostate Massager. I’m kicking off June with a video review of a new sex toy from the same online adult store, Eden Fantasys.

Pamela the Luscious Love Doll from Adam Avitable on Vimeo.

If your idea of sexy is rubbing your throbbing purple warrior all over the inflatable raft that you have floating in the pool, then you should buy this toy. Otherwise, save your money and just invest in some nice hand lotion so your hand feels all silky and smooth. This toy is really only worthwhile if you’re buying it as a gag gift for a friend or during a bachelor party.

In other Avita-news, today is the 25th birthday of the 25th birthday for our very own Turnbaby. Go wish her a happy one, sugar!