Craig over at Puntabulous wrote an interesting post about his dating deal breakers, and I thought I'd steal his idea continue the conversation about it over here.
Now, I haven't had to do any dating for over 10 years, but if Amy came home tonight and told me that she accidentally ran into Sean Connery and they were running away to Scotland to get married, I would spend about six months rocking back and forth on the floor in the fetal position, and then eventually I'd probably try to date again. You know, twenty or thirty years later.
Anyways, if I were to date, what characteristics of the person or the personal ad would be automatic deal breakers?
Does your ad have any misspellings or poor grammar usage?
It's like an error on a resume. If you aren't even going to put enough effort into your ad to make sure that it's error-free, you're either lazy or stupid, and I have no interest in either. Likewise, if your ad contains any abbreviations like "u" for "you", "wut" for "what", or you include "lol" or "omg" anywhere in your ad, you're a fucking retard.
Do you have a college degree?
I have plenty of friends without college degrees who are successful people, but if I was going to date someone, they'd have to have a Bachelor's at the minimum. Graduate education would be ideal, although a MA or MBA really is a worthless degree. An MD, JD, or PhD would be even better.
How many tattoos do you have?
One that's discreetly placed is no big deal. Two is starting to push it. More than two and I slowly lose interest. I'm not sure why, but I just have a problem with tats.
How many kids do you have?
One that's between 3-10 would be okay, although if they're a spoiled little shithead, I think I'll pass. More than one, and I just don't think I'd get the attention I deserve. Plus, I generally don't like kids, so that just increases the chances that I'll hate yours.
Do you watch television?
If you're one of those people who tries to tell me that television has no value, I'm not interested. Just like any other media, there are good parts and bad parts to television. It's like reading a well-crafted novel vs. a Harlequin Romance. If you like the good parts of television – the smart shows, the well-written shows, the clever shows, and recognize the bad parts – the reality television, the stupid game shows, the cliched sitcoms and dramas – then I might be interested. Tell me you love American Idol, though, and it's over. A corollary to this one is whether or not you like to go to the movies. If you don't, I'm definitely not interested.
Do you have a driver's license?
I wouldn't have even thought about this until Craig brought it up, but it's true. A lack of a driver's license means someone who would be dependent on me to drive them around, and I have no interest in that. Besides, in today's society, it's kind of weird not to have a driver's license at all.
Do you have a sense of humor?
No sense of humor, no sense of sarcasm, no sense of irony – those are immediate deal breakers. I don't know anyone who would consider those to be winning characteristics, though.
Can you support yourself?
Would you have to put off a date because you can't quite afford gas in your car until payday? Would tickets to a comedy show be something you'd have to think about before agreeing because of the cost? Sorry, but I need someone who is financially stable and able to pay their bills without having to count the pennies in the couch.
Do you drink alcohol?
Drinking alcohol is a must. I don't trust people who don't drink. That might sound a bit hypocritical, since I don't drink, but generally speaking, that's a good rule to live by.
Is your favorite book the Bible or your hero Jesus?
If yes, you've just demonstrated that you have no real education, no exposure to the real world, no real life experience, and you are as naive and stupid as they come.
Do you have bad breath?
If I met someone for the first time, and she had bad breath, I'd turn around and leave. Get some fucking lessons in proper hygiene.
Are you ugly?
Is this shallow? Yes. I can't help it. I'd be okay with someone who's heavy or thin or tall or short or blonde or redheaded or brunette or with glasses or with limbs missing, but if you're hideous looking, I can't progress any further.
Are you computer illiterate?
Being able to use email, checking it more frequently than once a month, understanding how the internet works, and having a comprehension of how stupid chain emails are – these are all essential characteristics.
Do you have really long fingernails?
If you can't dial a phone properly because your nails are too long, piss off.
Do you smell like smoke?
I don't mind smokers, but if your hair and clothes constantly smell like smoke and if you smoke in your home, I'll probably vomit. And I hate vomiting more than anything in the world.
Do you like animals?
Thinking animals are better than kids is a huge plus. But even if you don't think that, viewing animals as a part of the family is essential. If you're just not an animal person, you're not an Avitable person either.
Do you enjoy going out to dinner?
Going out to a restaurant for a nice meal and seeing it as a fun experience is very important to me. If you see it as an obligation or would rather go out to McDonald's instead of a nice sit-down restaurant, we are not going to have any fun.
Do you have enormous boobs?
I like smallish breasts and couldn't date someone with huge knockers.
I think that might be my whole list, although I'm sure I'll come up with a few more later. This leads me to two conclusions:
1. If I am ever single, I'm totally and royally fucked.
2. I bet most of you wish you had read this before picking my negative traits on the Nohari window yesterday. Nothing shows off your negative traits like being a Judgy McJudgerson about your ideal partner!
So, what are/what would be your dating deal breakers?
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