Tag Archives: review

To beard or not to beard: My Beard Adventures experience

“You should let your beard grow out,” she cupped my chin with one of her hands. For almost ten years, I’d kept my beard maintained with weekly trips to my neighborhood barber shop. In my head, there were two options: a close trim or looking homeless. It never occurred to me that there was another way.

I turned my head on my pillow to face her. “You think so? Don’t you think it would look disheveled and awful?”

She dragged her naked leg slowly up my body and pulled me closer to her. Along her journey, she discovered, not-so-subtly, that I might be ready for round two. “I think it would look sexy,” she whispered in my ear, and the might bes turned into definitelys.

So, I grew my beard out. Didn’t take long. Now it’s been over a year.

The full beard of comedian Adam Heath Avitable

It’s a fine line, however, between looking like a boy who doesn’t know how to use a razor and a man who’s breaking in the wild horse on his face. My barber visits each week became focused on shaping and edging instead of trimming. Keep the neck clean, keep the head clean, tame the sides, let nature do what she will with the front. The wiry hairs were coarse, and I worried about the pain it might inflict on the women who would deem me worthy of their time. I worried about chafing their cheeks, scraping their thighs, breaking their hearts.

That’s when I learned about the world of beard care. Beard oils and treatments. Products designed purely for softening and taming. Smelling nice and feeling good. Things every man can get behind.

Preferring to support local business as much as I can, I reached out to a company based out of Orlando called Beard Adventures. They provided me with a set of three beard oils to try for free: Lumberjack, Outback, and Black Pepper. I chose those three out of a bevy of beard care scents including spiced rum, bourbon, whiskey smash, mojito, black coffee, and more. I went home, and each day, after a hot shower, I’d choose one and rub the oil thoroughly throughout this monstrosity that has taken over my face, taming it down.

Set of beard oils from beard care company Beard Adventure

I’d travel to my daily haunts – my local restaurants, my local strip clubs, my local comedy club – supporting my local vendors, servers, and single mothers. I’d approach my friends. And strangers, because I felt emboldened.

“Smell my beard,” I’d say. Some were equally bold, planting their nose firmly in and inhaling deeply. Others required convincing. “It’s not a trick, I just want your opinion.” Some still weren’t convinced. “I’ll give you a dollar.” The last resort always worked.

And the responses were unanimous:

“Wow, that smells sexy.”
“I like that!”
“Where did you get that from?”
“Can I smell you again?”
“Now do you want a lap dance?”

Beard care can turn you from a sweaty neckbearded child into a sultry badass with a dark past. From an unhygienic nerdblaster to the savvy king of the geeks. From Hagrid to Gandalf. And I wholeheartedly recommend Beard Adventures for all of your beard care needs. And in fact, if you or a loved one has a beard that needs some tender loving care, how about an opportunity to win a free set of three beard oils with beard comb?

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Disclaimer: I was not paid for this review, and I received the products for free from Beard Adventures. I also got three lap dances, but they were free, mostly because my beard smelled so fucking awesome.

My review of Jackass 3D and other things

  • Yesterday I watched the recent opus from Johnny Knoxville and crew, Jackass 3D.  I’ve seen all the previous iterations of this group, from some of their CKY videos to the TV show (and Wild Boyz and Viva La Bam!) to Jackass 1, 2, and 2.5.  I love their reckless abandon, their ability to get down and dirty, and their skills at staring fear and pain in the eye and only flinching a little.The newest movie was made using the same 3D cameras as Avatar, along with a special rig that was manufactured exclusively for Jackass – a super-slow motion 3D camera that shoots 1,000 frames per second.  This technology is used to its limits, and watching a fat half-naked man get shot in the stomach with a high-speed medicine ball in slow motion and 3 crisp dimensions is absolutely hysterical.

    I think this might be my favorite Jackass creation.  While it still pushes the envelope in the terms of pain, humiliation, and gross humor, there’s a bittersweet aspect to it.  You can tell that the whole gang is getting older, and that they know they can’t take quite the same abuse as before (Preston Lacy is the oldest at 41, Knoxville is 39, Chris Pontius and Steve-O are 36 – the youngest, Bam Margera, is 31).  The end of the movie seems almost like a farewell, showing young Jackassians on film doing some of their earlier stunts before they had families, mortgages and tattoos of dicks on their asses.  I hope this isn’t their last film, though – I want to see one reunion film in about 15-20 years when they show that they can still take a hit or poop on command.

    You’ll laugh, you’ll gasp, and you may gag a little.  But this is what 3D was made for!

  • If you have a free minute, will you click over here and vote for my friend Loukia’s blog as the Best Canadian Family Blog of 2010?  Her blog is “Lou Lou’s Views”.
  • Let me just say something to all of you published authors out there.  You might think it’s pretty cool to have your work published and your name on the front cover, but you know what’s even more awesome?  Having your quote published on the back of someone else’s book! (Ok, it’s not really more awesome.  I’m jealous.)

    Go here to buy her book now!
  • Check out the new Friend of Avitable in the sidebar – give Finn some bloggy love!
  • Finally, do you drink coffee?  Why not own a coffee mug that has some Avitable art on it?

My review of Kick Ass (No Spoilers)

The movie “Kick Ass” is a darkly comedic violent look at what would happen if someone with no skills and no superpowers put on a costume and tried to fight crime. It’s directed by the excellent director behind “Layer Cake”, Matthew Vaughn. It’s sharp, funny, and a lot of fun. And if you haven’t read the comic, you’ll really enjoy it (if this type of movie is your bag).

If you have read the comic, though, be prepared. It’s not as nihilistic. It’s not as dark. It’s not as realistic. And it’s not as emotionally weighted. Independent of each other, they’re both excellent stories, but it’s difficult not to compare the two, and that comparison leaves the movie woefully lacking.

I wish I could have seen the movie first and read the book second. The acting, timing, and story were all above reproach (especially Nicolas Cage’s vigilante). When it comes out next Friday, go see it. Bring a friend. Because movies like this deserve to get support and deserve to kick ass at the box office, regardless of how much I wanted it to be exactly like the comic.

I give it three and a half bloody butterfly knives out of five.

My review of Edge of Darkness (Spoiler Free)

Last night, I went to see “Edge of Darkness”, Mel Gibson’s first movie in eight years. I know many people who won’t go watch him because of his drunken anti-Semitic tirade a few years ago, but I watch movies to see actors act. I don’t have to like their personal views.

Edge of Darkness is a dark look at a cop who loses his only daughter. He is widowed, we presume, because there’s no mention of his wife and her mother in the entire film. In the end, he has nothing left to live for, and he’s determined that those responsible will pay. It’s not as gritty as “Man on Fire” or “Payback”, but it’s not as slick as “Ransom”, either. The tone is bleak but sometimes resorts to just enough bloody splashes of violence to change it up. Martin Campbell, who also directed “Casino Royale”, which is one of the best Bond films to date, kept the story tight. With the exception of a few unnecessary moments of exposition that I can only imagine are put in there for audiences who can’t understand the Boston accents being thrown around (It gets a bit thick sometimes!), it’s a good movie. A little predictable and a little derivative, but I enjoyed seeing Mel Gibson in a role that he fits into like a glove.

I give it three out of five Sugartits.

Pamela the Luscious Love Doll

I’ve reviewed a Blowjob Imitator and a Prostate Massager. I’m kicking off June with a video review of a new sex toy from the same online adult store, Eden Fantasys.

Pamela the Luscious Love Doll from Adam Avitable on Vimeo.

If your idea of sexy is rubbing your throbbing purple warrior all over the inflatable raft that you have floating in the pool, then you should buy this toy. Otherwise, save your money and just invest in some nice hand lotion so your hand feels all silky and smooth. This toy is really only worthwhile if you’re buying it as a gag gift for a friend or during a bachelor party.

In other Avita-news, today is the 25th birthday of the 25th birthday for our very own Turnbaby. Go wish her a happy one, sugar!