Posts Tagged ‘sex’

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My interview with my recently deceased grandmother

Tuesday, March 9th, 2010

Nana (pictured here with Uncle Saddam)

My grandmother, pictured above with her second favorite dictator, passed away Friday night. This is the same grandmother I've written about previously. She was suffering from the late stages of Alzheimer's, and her death, while sad, was merciful.

Eileen was the oldest of 15 children. She raised many of her younger brothers and sisters as if they were her own children, and supported many of them, paying for college and other expenses, just like a parent. She was the matriarch to the Irish Catholic side of my family. By the time I knew her, she was the very strict, serious, older lady that you didn't dare disappoint. She was very religious, never swore, was fair to each grandchild to a fault, and disapproved of fully half of anything that a child would do. This isn't to say that she didn't love – she cared deeper than she showed, and loved everyone equally and unconditionally. But you sure as fuck didn't want to do anything to disappoint her. "You had better hope that your Nana doesn't hear about this!" was a familiar mantra heard around my home. Today, I got the chance to interview her posthumously which means, thankfully, that her mental state had returned to how she used to be. (NOTE: The following is a PARODY and in no way reflects my actual grandmother, who was about as close to a saint as you could possibly be.)

Me: Hi Nana.

Nana: Hi dear.

Me: I'm sorry you're not here anymore. I miss you.

Nana: Is that why you only visited me once when I was in the home?

Me: It was too hard to see you like that. And I didn't think you'd really want any of us to see you in that state.

Nana: So does this mean you're skipping my funeral too?

Me: If it wasn't to be there for Mom and Papa, I wouldn't go to that, either.

Nana: And what's this I hear about you getting a divorce?

Me: Ohhh, ummm, yeah.

Nana: You know you're going to hell, right?

Me: For getting a divorce? That's not fair.

Nana: No, not for the divorce – that's just what you get for living in sin before you got married.

Me: Then why?

Nana: Because I can see everything now – and there is no way God is letting you into heaven with all of that porn you look at.

Me: You can see THAT?!?

Nana: Yes, and you should be ashamed of yourself. If I wasn't already dead, finding out that there's something called "tranny porn" would have killed me on the spot. And then how would you have liked finding out that you killed your poor grandmother?

Me: But I didn't! And that was just for research purposes.

Nana: You need a hand down your pants to research?

Me: I . . Uh . . Um . . .

Nana: I'm just fucking with you.

Me: NANA!!!

Nana: What? Can't a woman drop an f-bomb on you?

Me: Not when you're my Nana, and I've never even heard you say "hell"!

Nana: I usually reserved that type of language for the bedroom.

Me: Oh God.

Nana: You don't want to hear about me and your grandfather having sex? You do know that your mother wasn't immaculately conceived, even if she's convinced you she was, right?

Me: No no no no no no (rocking back and forth)

Nana: I used to joke that your Papa's name was destined to be Howie . . .

Me: Please stop (crying)

Nana: . . . as in "how he makes me feel down there"

Me: shh shh shh shh no shhh shh

Nana: And by "down there", I mean my vagina.

Me: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…..

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews:

Roy Scheider
Zelda Rubinstein and J.D. Salinger
Brittany Murphy
Oral Roberts
John Lennon
Ken Ober
Henry Gibson
Patrick Swayze
Ted Kennedy
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

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Posted in Avitable Interviews | 92 Comments »

Getting caught masturbating

Monday, January 11th, 2010

"Did you see your parents naked a lot?" She asked, sitting straight in her chair, both hands clasped on her knee. Very poised.

This almost made me lay down. To this day, I've resisted laying down on the couch. I sit up, with a foot on her coffee table. Sometimes I rest my arm on the pillow. But I never lay down. "No. In fact, as far as I can remember, I don't think I've ever seen them naked."

"So your family wasn't very free with nudity or sex?"

"Definitely not. In fact, when my dad tried to talk with me about sex, it was one of the most awkward conversations of my life. All he got out was 'Um, Adam, there are some things we need to discuss' and I almost shouted 'Yeah, I had a class. Got it figured out. Thanks.'"

"Was there ever any discussion about wet dreams or masturbation when you were younger?"

"I never had any wet dreams. I learned about masturbation early on and started doing that when I was eight or nine. I flipped the fuck out the first time I ejaculated, though. I thought I had done something really, really wrong."

"Did you ask your parents about it?"

"Nope. I was too scared. I just read books on the subject – I can't remember if it was my mother's Physician's Desk Reference, the encyclopedia, or if I waited until I had time at the library, but I found a book that explained it, and researched it until I learned that ejaculation was normal."

"So, after that, masturbation was a pretty frequent occurrence?"

"Not really. I shared a room with my brother until I was a young teen, so it only happened when I could have some time to myself. We weren't allowed to lock our doors, so that meant either when I had the house to myself or if I was out somewhere."

"Out somewhere?"

"Well, I'd sneak outside in the middle of the night or sometimes do it in the bathroom at the library or at school."

"Did you ever get caught? Did you want to get caught?"

"I never wanted to get caught, and I never did. Well, except for that time my dad caught me."

"Oh?" Her eyebrow raised a millimeter.

"Yeah. I was babysitting for a friend of the family's. They just had a small infant who had been asleep the entire night in his bedroom, and I knew where the Playboy collection was. In the middle of the living room, I stripped down completely naked and jerked it like a monkey. When I was done, I accidentally made a little mess on the floor, so I went into the bathroom to clean up. As I'm in the bathroom, I hear the front door open. My clothes were in the main room, along with the magazines and a nice little pile of baby batter, and I heard my dad say 'Adam?'"

"Holy shit!"

"Yeah. The only towel in that bathroom was a little washcloth, so I grabbed it and walked into the living room, using that to cover my junk. It was like something out of a movie, except horribly embarrassing and not at all funny."

"What did he say?"

"Well, I tried to make some excuse about spilling soda on my clothes and trying to dry off, but I don't think he bought it. He looked down at the clothes, the magazine, and the quickly drying jizz, and just said 'Clean that shit up and we'll see you at home.' And then he walked out the door and never mentioned it again."

"Wow. That's fucked up."

"Is that advanced psychological scientific terminology?"

"Nope. It's just fucked up."

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Posted in Dirty talk | 35 Comments »

What else is Tiger not telling us?

Monday, December 14th, 2009

tiger-woodsWith all of the recent news of Tiger Woods's numerous dalliances outside of his marriage, starting to climb into the double digits, everyone is starting to wonder what we really know about Tiger Woods. The answer: not much. Here are some other things that I'll bet you didn't know about the world's best golfer:

  • He is half Asian, half Native American, half black, half Alaskan bear and half deciduous tree.
  • Before he chose "Tiger" as his first name, he tried out "Puma", "Wolverine" and "Gecko" first.
  • Even if he loses all of his endorsements, he'll still be sponsored proudly by GiGi, the Home Microwave Brazilian Waxing Kit; Jim & Judy's Do-it-yourself Divorce Kits; and Donald Trump.
  • He's recently fired his PR consulting team that consists of TMZ's Harvey Levin, Bill Clinton, and Hugh Hefner.
  • He generously offers his women the choice of the putter or driver.
  • He and a baby seal share one thing in common: they've both been beaten by a Norwegian with a club.
  • It's not that he's a man whore; it's just that it took him a lot of practice to realize that less strokes are only better on the golf course.
  • He's secretly orchestrating the deaths of one or more of the Jonas Brothers in order to distract from the media circus that has become his life.
  • His tax returns show various significant expenses for "ball cleaners".
  • His downfall was secretly orchestrated by Jon Gosselin.

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Posted in General | 34 Comments »

There comes a time in every man's life when he tries to suck his own dick

Thursday, October 8th, 2009

"There I was, fourteen years old, laying on my back on the edge of my bed. Naked. My legs arcing over my head, my hands slowly pushed my back further and further until my shoulders and elbows were the only support for my entire body. My neck ached as my erect penis got closer and closer to my face. I closed my eyes and stuck my tongue out as far as it would go. My hands pushed my back just a bit further, until all of my weight rested precariously on my neck. And then, right as my tongue and penis met for the first time in my adolescent life, my dad called my name from downstairs. In the resulting wave of panic, my entire weight came crashing down and I fell on my neck, a naked sweaty boy, in the gap between my bed and the wall. Protesting the concerned voices of my parents downstairs, I assured them that I was fine while I nursed a bruised neck that hurt if I turned my head more than 45 degrees. . .

And that's the day that I tried to suck my own dick!" I proclaimed loudly to the consternation of the women in the room.

"Oh. My. God."
"Lalalalalala. I can't heeear you."
"That is not normal."

"Yes, it is." I protested. "I bet a lot of men have tried to do that at some point in their lives."

"You're fucking retarded!"
"Are you kidding?"
"You are a moron."

And that brings us here. Men, fill out the poll anonymously. Women, ask your husbands or brothers or fathers or sons and fill it out on their behalf. Forward this post around. Retweet it. Share it. Let's see if we can get enough votes to determine whether or not most men have actually tried to suck their own dick!

Men, have you ever tried to put your own penis in your mouth?

View Results

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Posted in Dirty talk | 73 Comments »

Learn How to Use Dirty Talk, the Avitable Way

Monday, July 6th, 2009

A certain friend makes fun of me because I have a problem with dirty talk. She tries to get me to say some of the vilest things, and I typically abstain. It's not out of embarrassment as much as it is decorum. I mean, is it really necessary to tell someone that you can't wait to feel your cock inside their hot, wet pussy?

I say nay. Allow me to demonstrate the proper way to offer direction and guidance in the bedroom while maintaining your dignity and respecting the person with whom you are engaging in private pleasures. Next time you are in the throes of passion with your lady or gentleman lover and feel the urge to use vulgarities to express your base desires, may I suggest that you try some of the following phrases instead? I can assure you that properly used, these statements of desire will immediately precipitate the heaving of any breast and the pounding of any heart.

For the gentleman:

  • Instead of "Oh baby, you make my cock so hard", try "Oh m'lady, your recent gyrations have caused me to develop a certain feeling of extreme turgidity in my member."
  • Instead of "I can't wait to feel my cock inside your wet pussy", might I offer an alternative of "I am currently very eager to experience the sensation of my priapic key being inserted into your properly prepared and lubricated lock."
  • Instead of "I want you to suck my cock until I come", I would suggest "Would you be so kind as to gently manipulate my nether regions orally until I am able to spill my seed as the good Lord intended?"
  • Instead of "I want to fuck you so hard and I want you right now", may I proffer "I am quite determined to demonstrate my carnal desire with vigor posthaste."
  • Instead of "Lick my balls", why not say "The use of your tongue on my scrotum shall prove very pleasing if it's not any trouble."

For the lady:

  • Instead of "My pussy is so fucking wet", might I offer an alternative of "My lady bits have reached a certain humidity level that is very pleasing to me and ready for the next stage in our relations."
  • Instead of "Oh my God, fuck me harder", try "Oh Holy Lord up in heaven, I am strongly encouraged by the attempt being made so far and would prefer more vigor and doubled effort."
  • Instead of "Come on my chest, baby, it's okay", I would suggest "I hereby give you permission to place your mettle upon my heaving bosom, sir."
  • Instead of "Eat my pussy, bitch", may I proffer "I am currently hoping that your quick wit and quicker tongue may be of use to me between my thighs at this precise instant."
  • Instead of "Oh fuck me, I'm coming", try "Dearest sir, your vigorous and well-intentioned efforts have not been in vain and I appreciate it greatly."
  • Instead of "Is it in yet?" or "Are you done already?" I would suggest "Oh Avitable, you are amazing and the best lover, ever, in the history of lovers and I am forever ruined for any other men."

You're welcome, ladies and gentlemen. Enjoy your newfound puritanical prurient activities with vim, vigor, and vitality.

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Posted in Dirty talk | 102 Comments »

S&M melts in your crotch, not in your hands: Product Review

Saturday, June 6th, 2009

Hey everyone – Avitable here. When someone emailed me and asked if they could use my blog as a forum to review sex toys anonymously, how could I have said anything other than yes? Please to enjoy:

I love to have sex.
And when I say sex?
I mean fuck your brains out sweaty slamming against the wall sex.
I don't have anywhere else to write about my love of sex and with Adam being the lover of all things fuck has been gracious enough to allow me use of his space and Eden Fantasys has allowed me to try out a few new tools in my bedroom. What follows is my report on the Beginner's Bondage Fantasy Kit along with the Whipper Tickler.

First of all, the bondage kit. The blindfold is pretty comfortable and seems to work well, it doesn't have the typical gap at the bottom allowing for peeks at what's about to happen to you which is good for anticipation. The cuffs are soft and for now seem strong enough to hold up to the hardest of struggles. The biggest drawback is my bed has nowhere to tie the straps to. Make sure you have a four poster bed to tie them to or a single bed so you can tie the straps together and run them under the mattress. I ended up having to just wrap the straps around his wrists and ankles, which made it hard to get between his legs and give him a proper blow job. And if I couldn't get his legs apart enough to blow him? There's no way I'm ever going to be satisfied with my ankles tied together.

It's the vulnerability that makes S&M so hot.

The Whipper Tickler has a puff of feathers on one end and soft rubbery threads on the other (think Koosh ball.) The stick is made of hard plastic and on the back of the box it had the suggestion of lubing up the handle and "playing the violin" between your partners legs.

While we haven't had the chance to reciprocate with the Whipper Tickler I can tell you the thought of being tied up, teased, tickled and played like a violin has my heart racing. While the whip part of this toy could be washed, the feather end would be rendered useless if it were to get lube or love juices on it, so keep use it to get your lover warmed up, not when they're already hot, heaving, sweaty and begging for more.

With a combined price of less than $35 these two items are an amazing introduction into the world of bondage. Versatile and inconspicuous, they're good in case you forget to put them away as they won't going garner as much attention as say some kitty print whip with a mask. (Hardcore sex 101? Find somewhere safe to keep your stuff. If you think it's safe, it's probably not. Move it, especially if you have kids.)

Think you're too shy to tie your lover up? Let me tell you this. We all have "that girl" or "that guy" inside of us. That person who wants to scream, dig their nails into the flesh of their lover, that person who wants to be remembered as the best someone has ever had even if only for one night. Insecurities and inhibitions get in the way. But if your mate is tied up? Blindfolded? They will be unable to defend themselves or see you lose your "manners." Go ahead, touch yourself and purr. They'll never know until you are either dripping wet with desire or throbbing to get inside. Smack them with the whip and leave a mark they'll remember at tomorrows boring business meeting. Want to sit on your partner's face? Do it and thank me later.

Take control of your pleasure, go ahead, they have no choice but to obey.

Avitable here again. Thanks for the review! I think this might become a recurring feature, so we need a name for this anonymous reviewer. Any suggestions?

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Posted in Substitute Avitable | 26 Comments »

Blowjob imitator

Tuesday, February 3rd, 2009

There's a new adult store online called Eden Fantasys. In order to sell their sex toys, they're tapping into the blogosphere and providing free products in return for a review and a few well chosen links back to their site. And even though they can't even spell fantasies correctly, I decided to join in on the fun. Please to enjoy:


They should call it a blowfun! from Adam Avitable on Vimeo.

I noticed while washing it at the end that the warm water made the skin much warmer to the touch, and that made it feel even more like real skin. All in all, it has good elasticity, sturdiness, and a semi-realistic feel, so if you are sick of doing the five-knuckle shuffle, this might give you some good variety on your sad, lonely, nightly masturbation.

If you're in the market for a sex toy, lotions, videos, or anything else sextacular, you can use promo code BLOG7565 at Edenfantasys to receive 15% off all products!

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Posted in Dirty talk, Vlog | 97 Comments »

Who Wants To Be An Avitable?

Sunday, December 14th, 2008

Last week, I threw up a quick link to a purity test to see exactly how bad some of you people are, and it was amazing how many of you have done dirty, nasty things in your life.

But then I realized purity isn't really that much fun when it's not all about me. So someone was only 10% pure – all that meant was that you must have had sex with a donkey and another person anally while mainlining coke directly into your eyebal – big freakin' deal.

Wouldn't it be more fun to see how Avitable you are?

(You're supposed to nod your head and say, "Yes" now).

Over at this link (pops in a new window), I've set up a quick 60-question Avitable purity test. This test lists 60 things that I've done in my life. The more boxes you check, the less pure you are and the closer you are to being a true Avitable. So go take my Avitable purity test and report back with your score.

Are you pure or are you Avitable?

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Posted in Dirty talk | 38 Comments »

Method 4,982 to break blogger block

Monday, November 10th, 2008

I am currently hard at work at finishing the studio photos for those of you who attended the party and will soon have a post with information about that. It's more work than I thought! And now, your regularly scheduled post:

There are many ways to avoid a case of blogger's block. You can read the news, search for unusual holidays, or post a photo.

Or you can just call another blogger!

Using sophisticated IP tracking software, a favor from a college roommate with access to a CIA satellite, and a private detective I hired for 1,000 Canadian rupees an hour, I tracked down the phone number of Tanis, aka Redneck Mommy.

I dialed her number.

"Ooooooooooooooooooot," the phone rang. It was answered with a clatter, almost like someone might have tried to answer it but knocked it to the ground by accident.

"Yes, yes, yes, yes," she answered breathlessly. I heard squeaking in the background.

"Hi, is this Tanis? This is Avitable. Are you bouncing up and down on your mattress or something?"

"Oh God! God fucking yes! Oh God!"

"Oh, I'm not God. I know some people think I am, but I'm just a humble blogger, like you. So, how's it going?"

"Uhhh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-hmmmm." The rhythmic squeaking made it a bit hard to hear her.

"Well, it's not a trick question. I'm doing pretty well, but I'm having trouble writing a blog post. I figured that between the both of us we should be able to come up with a good idea."

"Right there! Harder! Softer! Slower! Faster! Ooh, don't move!"

"I'm not going anywhere. You want me to write faster? Anyways, I was thinking that I could just write about our conversation, and maybe people might find it funny."

"That's it! That's it! That's it! Yes! Yes! YES!" Squeak-squeak-squeak echoed in the background.

"Okay, great! I love your enthusiasm! Well, what should we talk about?"

"Give me your cock. Give me your cock! Give me your fucking cock!" I heard the sound of skin slapping on top of the incessant squeaking.

"That's a good idea – it would be funny to talk about us having some type of online affair. Then we could pretend that we emailed naked photos to each other and I could post something hideous."

"I'm coming! Oh God, I'm coming! Yes! YES! YES!" The squeaking reached a crescendo.

"Well, I don't know if you need to come to Florida for this guest post to work. And I already told you, I'm just Avitable. The Holy thing is just a title. I'm not really God."

"Eeeeeeeggggggffffffffffnnnnnn……." She trailed off and made a sound like an inflated mattress losing air.

"I'm okay with onomatopoeia too, if you want to try that, but we should come up with a cohesive plan, first, don't you think?"

*click*

"Hello? Hello?"

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Posted in Dirty talk | 52 Comments »

Open for sex. MWMMTBBW.

Monday, September 15th, 2008

To get to my neighborhood, you have to drive through the neighborhood that I like to call, with all degree of tact and class, the poor neighborhood. More carports than garages, grass replete with brown grass and long weeds instead of lush, green blades, cars parked in the yard, shifty characters, etc.

It's not that my neighborhood is some big fancy palatial neighborhood, either, but there is a noticeable difference when you cross the Iron Curtain, as I like to call the small dip in the road between neighborhoods. Our lawns all usually look pretty good and it just feels friendlier and nicer. And more expensive.

I digress.

Last night, I was driving through the poor neighborhood on the way to my house when I passed one of the houses that actually has a garage. Of course, they don't actually use it as a garage – that would be crazy! Why would they want to park one of the four or five hideous cars that they have in the garage? Instead, it looks like it's converted into a workout room slash den slash hangout slash romper room slash bedroom.

In the garageslash window, less than six feet from the street, is a neon "Open" sign. When lit, it bathes the street in a lovely red and blue glow reminiscent of the outside of a seedy hotel attracting hookers like moths.

The sign was turned on as I drove by, and I turned to look in as I passed. The solitary occupant of the garageslash was sitting on a workout bench, with his Neanderthalic brow furrowed, doing bicep curls.

In my head, I stopped to talk to him:

Me: Hi!

Idiot: Umm. . . hi.

Me: What are you open to?

Idiot: Huh?

Me: The sign – it says you're open.

Idiot: Oh.

Me: So what are you open to?

Idiot: What do you mean?

Me: I mean, are you open to larger men ejaculating on your chest? Fisting?

Idiot: What??!

Me: Or are you more open to someone stepping on your nuts and hitting you with a cane?

Idiot: What the fuck are you talking about?

Me: Well, it says that you're open. I just figured that since you are announcing your openness to the whole world via neon sign, you've got to be pretty damn open, right? Do you want me to pee in your mouth?

Idiot: That sign's not meant like that!

Me: Aww, c'mon, it's okay. You can tell me. I mean, it's not like you're just putting it there to show that you're home. The light in the garageslash would show that. Do you want me to put on some stockings and you can suck my toes?

Idiot: Get the fuck out of here!

Me: I can't leave yet – I just told my friends all about your "open" sign, and they're on the way here. They're a bunch of bikers who call themselves the Scat Brigade. I hope you're open to getting pooped on.

Idiot: This is just for my friends . . .

Me: That's clearly not the case – none of them have cell phones? You can just call them and say, like, "Hey Jimmy, I'm home. Come over." This sign has to be here as an indicator of your desire to participate in some of the filthiest sex acts known to man. Can I give you an enema?

Idiot: *sobs*

Me: It'll be fun! This place is going to give Sodom and Gomorrah a run for their money. I'll be right back – I have to run home and get my gimp suit.

And of course, by the time I returned, the garageslash door was closed, the open sign was gone from the window and the lights were off.

I have 9 raffle tickets left to sell in one week. Do you have $7 left in your Paypal account? I know you do. Don't be a bastard!

Who is the ticket for?

(If the button doesn't appear, click here.)

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Posted in Dirty talk | 52 Comments »

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