Tag Archives: shaving

To beard or not to beard: My Beard Adventures experience

“You should let your beard grow out,” she cupped my chin with one of her hands. For almost ten years, I’d kept my beard maintained with weekly trips to my neighborhood barber shop. In my head, there were two options: a close trim or looking homeless. It never occurred to me that there was another way.

I turned my head on my pillow to face her. “You think so? Don’t you think it would look disheveled and awful?”

She dragged her naked leg slowly up my body and pulled me closer to her. Along her journey, she discovered, not-so-subtly, that I might be ready for round two. “I think it would look sexy,” she whispered in my ear, and the might bes turned into definitelys.

So, I grew my beard out. Didn’t take long. Now it’s been over a year.

The full beard of comedian Adam Heath Avitable

It’s a fine line, however, between looking like a boy who doesn’t know how to use a razor and a man who’s breaking in the wild horse on his face. My barber visits each week became focused on shaping and edging instead of trimming. Keep the neck clean, keep the head clean, tame the sides, let nature do what she will with the front. The wiry hairs were coarse, and I worried about the pain it might inflict on the women who would deem me worthy of their time. I worried about chafing their cheeks, scraping their thighs, breaking their hearts.

That’s when I learned about the world of beard care. Beard oils and treatments. Products designed purely for softening and taming. Smelling nice and feeling good. Things every man can get behind.

Preferring to support local business as much as I can, I reached out to a company based out of Orlando called Beard Adventures. They provided me with a set of three beard oils to try for free: Lumberjack, Outback, and Black Pepper. I chose those three out of a bevy of beard care scents including spiced rum, bourbon, whiskey smash, mojito, black coffee, and more. I went home, and each day, after a hot shower, I’d choose one and rub the oil thoroughly throughout this monstrosity that has taken over my face, taming it down.

Set of beard oils from beard care company Beard Adventure

I’d travel to my daily haunts – my local restaurants, my local strip clubs, my local comedy club – supporting my local vendors, servers, and single mothers. I’d approach my friends. And strangers, because I felt emboldened.

“Smell my beard,” I’d say. Some were equally bold, planting their nose firmly in and inhaling deeply. Others required convincing. “It’s not a trick, I just want your opinion.” Some still weren’t convinced. “I’ll give you a dollar.” The last resort always worked.

And the responses were unanimous:

“Wow, that smells sexy.”
“I like that!”
“Where did you get that from?”
“Can I smell you again?”
“Amazing!”
“Now do you want a lap dance?”

Beard care can turn you from a sweaty neckbearded child into a sultry badass with a dark past. From an unhygienic nerdblaster to the savvy king of the geeks. From Hagrid to Gandalf. And I wholeheartedly recommend Beard Adventures for all of your beard care needs. And in fact, if you or a loved one has a beard that needs some tender loving care, how about an opportunity to win a free set of three beard oils with beard comb?

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Disclaimer: I was not paid for this review, and I received the products for free from Beard Adventures. I also got three lap dances, but they were free, mostly because my beard smelled so fucking awesome.

The one where I embrace my baldness with a razor in hand

I’d be lying if I didn’t say that this wasn’t a small part of my inspiration:

Max Payne in Max Payne 3
Max Payne in Max Payne 3

But the full truth is that I just got sick of my hair, and after a small survey online, most people told me I should absolutely not shave my head. But there were a few of you out there who said that I might have a lumpy head or might not be able to pull off the bald look, and it was that challenge that intrigued me. How would I ever know unless I just went ahead and did it?

After a careful arrangement of sheets that successfully prevented a single hair from getting on the floor or on my desk, I recorded the following video which I present to you in case you have four minutes of your life that you want to waste watching a fat hairy guy shave his head. Hey, I don’t know what type of fetishes you sickos are into.

Or, if you just want to skip ahead to the final product, here you go:

Adam Avitable with a shaved head

I think I like it. I . . . think. I do know that when I woke up this morning and went to run my hands through my hair it freaked me out for a second, so I’m still not used to it. But I will be soon. It’s still too early to tell if I’ll keep it like this or just grow it back, but for now, my name is Adam Avitable and I am a bald man.

Bearded Adam vs. Beardless Adam

It’s been little more than 36 hours since I shaved off my beard of 15 years, 15 years of the best beard oil and grooming, gone! I’ve already noticed a huge difference. A certain someone used these words to describe how I look now: young, harmless, innocent, not intimidating, less guarded, and vulnerable. Another friend said that he thought my beard gave me magical powers. And I think they’re right. Here are just a few of the differences I’ve noticed between Bearded Adam and Beardless Adam:

 

BeardedAdam
Bearded Adam
UnBearded_Adam
Beardless Adam
Never had to wait in line because people let him move to the front if he asked. Has old ladies butt in front of him because they think they can take him.
Could easily pass as a lumberjack. Can’t even pass as an altar boy.
Only got hit on by gay men with bear fetishes and women with a thing for beards. Gets hit on by old women and college-aged lesbians.
Could walk, talk, chew gum, and text at the same time. Can’t even talk to his friends and masturbate quietly simultaneously.
Felt comfortable in freezing temperatures. Gets cold in the movie theater when his chin gets cold.
Could fly on a good day. Can barely jump.
Never had anyone make direct eye contact him when he walked through a store. Has people randomly approach him to ask if everything’s okay and if he’s lost.
Started buying beer without ID when he was 14. Got carded for an R-rated movie.
Growled at children and snarled at old people. Has strangers hand him their babies to hold.
Listened to Britney Spears, Avril Lavigne, Taylor Swift, and Gwen Stefani. Oh – no change here.
Could lie to Jesus. Can’t even lie to his gardener, Jesus.
Always had friends ask if he was angry or upset. Has friends ask why he’s about to cry.
Put women on a pedestal and considered most men to be brutes. Cleans the pedestal really well first.
Was an elitist pretentious snob who knew that he was smarter than you. Knows he’s smarter than you but just wants to break it to you nicely.
Didn’t wear pants and worked in his underwear. Would consider a dress.
Couldn’t stop playing with his penis. Can’t stop playing with his chin.

Halloween Info!

Raffle tickets: For those of you who would like to win a T-shirt, or maybe a round trip ticket to Orlando for the Halloween party, time is running out. There are 55 tickets remaining for sale, and they must be sold in the next three days! Tickets are only $7.00 each, and I know there are 20-30 of you out there who have $14 to spare. If you win any of the prizes, I’ll also throw in Avitable artwork – you choose what you want me to draw! Go here to buy your raffle tickets now.

T-shirts: Don’t forget an Invaded! T-shirt – they’ll only be available for a little while longer. Today’s featured shirt was designed by yours truly. Haven’t you wanted to wear some Avitable artwork on your chest? Now’s your chance!

And finally, if you are planning on coming to the party and can’t afford to buy an admission ticket yet, let me know so that I can hold one for you!

If Avitable loses his beard and nobody’s there, is he still Avitable?

I started growing facial hair when I was 13 years old. By 14, I was able to grow a passable beard that my parents detested. When I left for college at 17, I grew a goatee and for the last 15 years, my face has been covered in a beard or a goatee.

Three years ago, I looked like this:

Picture 17

In February 2007, I got a membership at a barbershop. Every week, I go in for a shave and a haircut. And sometimes eyebrow, forehead, cheek, ear, and nose waxing. It kept me from looking like a homeless psycho on the run from the law.

And each week, when I go into the barber, I usually look like this:

CIMG0803

And when I’m done, I look like this (or some bearded variation):

CIMG0804

CIMG0805

But this week, when I left, I looked like this (picture behind the fold):
Continue reading If Avitable loses his beard and nobody’s there, is he still Avitable?