Last night I was over at Britt's for a Super Bowl party. During the six or so hours I was there, I may have inadvertently watched two or three minutes of actual football. And other than that Google ad (awwwww), I didn't really see much worth getting excited over.

So I thought I'd write a little message to NFL about ways to try to spice up the Super Bowl for those of us who don't watch football but still go to Super Bowl parties.

Dear National Football League Super Bowl Rule Guys,

While it's fun and all to watch people chase each other around on a big field and cheer for half of them because they're wearing a different color than the rest, maybe there's a way to make it even more exciting! I would suggest adding one of the following options to the game:

• Football/live grenade switcheroo every four downs.
• Quarterback gets to have sex with the wives of the entire defensive line every time he throws a completed pass.
• In the fourth quarter, snow machines are turned on and everyone plays in skis.
• Ninjas.
• Instead of throwing penalty flags, refs get to give the offending player a wedgie.
• Grandstanding and showboating are sniperable offenses.
• Script the game, just like wrestling. Bring back Randy "Macho Man" Savage.
• Losing team has to get real jobs

If you could listen to me and the millions of other people out there who don't live vicariously through a team of random people because they are currently being paid a ridiculous salary to stay in some geographic location that resonates with us, and make a few of these changes, I'd really appreciate it!

Love and kisses,

Adam Heath Avitable