I was flipping through the channels the other night when I saw a news report. It started out by saying that obesity now causes more deaths than smoking, and then it was going to explain 15 ways that obesity results in death. I was going to watch the rest of it, but Zoey 101 was on Nickelodeon, and I wasn’t sitting there naked with a jar of Vaseline so I could watch some stupid news show.
It got me thinking, though. In what ways obesity can cause death? Since I never got to see their actual facts, I can only surmise what these 15 ways are. Here are my guesses:
1. Grease related: After cooking six hamburgers on the skillet to eat for an afternoon snack, you slip on the grease that’s splashed on the ground, fall flat on your back, and the skillet full of grease lands on your face, drowning you with its wonderful tasty contents.
2. Grease related, driving: Hunger pangs mean you need to stop at McDonald’s and get some french fries while driving home. You have to settle for a large fry because of fucking Morgan Spurlock and his stupid documentary, but the grease on those fries is sufficient to make your fingers very slippery. You come up on a sharp turn, your hands slip along the wheel, and you drive right through the guardrail, plunging to your fiery, greasy death.
3. Exercise related, outside: You decide to go for a walk to burn off the calories from the four Twinkies that you used as hot dog buns for four hot dogs slathered in mayonnaise. You manage to walk fourteen steps and then decide to rest in the bushes for a bit. The high-pitched wheezing that you emit as you catch your breath attracts a pack of Siberian wolf huskies, who think that you are a beached sea lion and eat your face.
4. Exercise related, inside: You get on the treadmill and start walking. Since you weren’t able to reach your feet, however, your shoelaces are untied, and they get sucked into the track of the treadmill, causing you to fall to the ground. At an agonizingly slow speed, the treadmill sucks you into its gears, inch by inch.
5. Sex related, men: In an effort to see your penis, you try to simultaneously suck in your gut, thrust out your hips and look down as quickly as possible. The quick motions cause a massive ripple effect that resonates throughout your body and collides at your neck, snapping it instantly.
6. Sex related, women: Riding on top of your partner, your frantic up and down motion causes the bed to split evenly in two. The headboard and footboard snap together like a bear trap, popping your head off like a grape.
7. Clothing related, putting on: As you squeeze into your shirt that fit fine five years ago, you hold your breath. This lasts for about eight seconds, at which point you quickly exhale, causing all of your buttons to pop off at an almost supersonic speed. They ricochet off of the mirror in front of you and the resulting shrapnel pierces your brain via your eyeballs.
8. Clothing related, taking off: As you sit in the chair and try to reach your feet to take off your socks, you have to pull your foot towards you. Your hands slip off your foot and you punch yourself directly in the nose, driving a small bone into your brain and killing yourself within seconds.
9. Travel related, driving: As you are coming up on a railroad crossing, a train starts coming. Your foot presses down on the brake, but since your foot is three feet wide, you press both the gas and brake simultaneously. This causes you to drift slowly forward until you are up on the tracks directly in the train’s path. You manage to get out of the car and try to run away, but running’s hard, so you lay down to take a breather. On the tracks. The train hits you and derails, killing hundreds.
10. Travel related, flying: Even though you used the handicapped stall at the airport before you left, you still have to pee halfway through the flight. You walk into the bathroom and pee standing up because you can’t turn around. Even after peeing, you’re still stuck, so you gently try to pivot to exit the bathroom. This doesn’t work, so you begin to move side to side violently trying to force yourself to turn around. These massive fluctuations in movement cause the plane to lose control and spiral to the ground where it explodes in a huge fireball.
11. Television related, self-inflicted: You settle in your favorite chair and start watching TV. The remote isn’t working very well, and the TV is currently on a marathon of “According to Jim”. You don’t want to get up to change channels, because that’s too much effort, so you commit suicide by swallowing your own tongue.
12. Television related, other-inflicted: You settle in your favorite chair and start watching TV. After watching several hours of a marathon on The Food Network, you are crazed with hunger and try to eat your television. Either the electrical jolt or the shards of electronics bouncing through your intestines kill you.
13. Bathroom related, bathing: Since you’re unable to wash your own back, stomach, and legs, you simply rinse them off in the shower. Little do you realize that, as a result, a small colony of fungus appears on your back. The fungus evolves into a community, and finally colonizes other parts of your body. Before long, imperialism sets in, and the colonies fight back and forth across the expanse of your body. All of the colonies develop advanced weaponry, and the war that breaks out culminates in the use of nuclear weaponry, which fries you in an instant.
14. Bathroom related, toilet use: Each time you sit on the toilet, it cracks a little. Finally, the stress of holding your weight is too much, and the entire toilet collapses into the sewer below. You are also swept underground where you are eaten by a giant crocodile.
15. Crime related: Unbeknownst to you, while you are out shopping one day, you bump into a mother who is holding her child. Her child is accidentally sucked into the folds of your flab. Amber alerts are issued and a nationwide manhunt for the child is underway when the police review the surveillance cameras from the store and watch the child disappear into your bodily black hole. With this evidence, the police confront you. You put your hands up to give up, but the police misinterpret this as a sign of aggression. Fearing that you are going to try to eat them, they open fire, firing 185 bullets, hitting you 42 times.
I’m pretty sure these are the same things the news was going to explain about the dangers of obesity, right?