Posts Tagged ‘superhero’

Superhero

Wednesday, October 1st, 2008

Watching the laughably plot-hole ridden Heroes got me thinking.

What superhero power would I want to have, if I could choose, and would I use it for good or evil?

After thinking about super strength, invisibility, time travel, invulnerability, telepathy, flight, and others, I finally settled on super speed. And here's my overly analytical nerdgasm of an explanation.

First of all, in order to be able to move at a super speed, which we're going to assume is faster than the speed of light, you'd need some type of automatic aura, which would protect you from the friction of moving so fast that you'd otherwise catch fire. This protective aura would envelope your whole body and would give you a degree of invulnerability as well.

At the speeds you'd be moving, you'd almost never be visible to the naked eye, so you could enjoy the benefits of being invisible. Additionally, since f=mv, you'd have an amazing strength that would allow you to toss aside the heaviest items with ease. Finally, at the speeds that you'd be moving, you'd be able to gain altitude easily, and flying would quickly become second nature.

Super speed seems to be an amalgam of most other superpowers, and anything you didn't have, you could emulate. Want to appear like you have pyrokinesis? Just light a match at super speed. Magnetic powers or telekinesis?? You can make anything move anywhere you want quicker than the eye can see. And I suspect that if you could move faster than the speed of light, you could probably go back in time as well.

Would I use it for good or evil? That's a tough one. Probably evil. You'd be pretty unstoppable, so what would be the point of doing good with your powers? A sense of heroism and well-being? I think I'd rather sleep on a pile of money in my own country.

What power would you choose and why?


Tonight, we'll be talking about circumcision: To snip or not to snip?

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Best Superhero Movies

Tuesday, July 29th, 2008

With the recent overwhelming success of "The Dark Knight", I thought it would be a good time for me to list my top 10 superhero comic book movies. I'm differentiating those from "comic book movies" so that I don't have to consider movies like like "Road to Perdition", "Men in Black", or "A History of Violence."

10. Daredevil. This film is usually relegated to people's "Worst Of" lists, but I contend that as a superhero movie goes, it's almost excellent. It's very true to the comics, and while the storyline is pretty basic, it has good action, some nice comedy, and Jennifer Garner. Although I will say that Jennifer Garner can't save anything. Take Elektra for example.

9. Hulk (2003). Except for the last five minutes, when it turned into a jumbled mess, this is an amazing film. Ang Lee takes a basic premise and makes it into a rich, textured psychological story, and if he hadn't dropped the ball at the end, this would be much higher on the list. I enjoyed the recent Hulk movie with Ed Norton – it was enjoyable and a good popcorn flick, but I also forgot it as soon as I walked out of the theater.

8. Hellboy. Ron Perlman kicks all types of ass in the titular role, and his relationship with Selma Blair's character is funny and sad at the same time. Hellboy has some great humor and good action, although the CGI is a bit cheesy at times. It's still a movie that I'll watch anytime it's on, and it's significantly better than the presumptuous and overrated sequel.

7. Spider-Man 2. Peter Parker inadvertently reveals his identity to Mary Jane, and they don't come up with some stupid amnesia to reverse it. Alfred Molina plays a very sympathetic villain, and Bruce Campbell steals the show as an overbearing usher. If only the other two Spider-Man movies could have been as good as this one! The first one was a good start, but the third one dropped the ball rather miserably.

6. X2. With the introduction of Nightcrawler and Colossus, and the unleashing of Wolverine's temper to the greatest effect you could see in a PG-13 film, this is another example of the second movie in a series building considerably on the first, and then failing when it comes to the third film. The sneak preview I saw of the new Wolverine movie, however, looks pretty exciting.

5. Blade. A solid vampire movie with good action, good music, and a decent story. I've seen it a dozen times, and it always entertains. I did not like the sequel, which was directed by Guillermo del Toro, although I did enjoy the third Blade film, mainly because Jessica Biel and Ryan Reynolds injected some needed humor and youth into the concept.

4. Batman Begins. Took the nipple-suited stupidity that Joel Schumacher engineered and replaced it with a Batman who is grounded in the real world. Rescued a franchise that had been destroyed by an idiot, and did so powerfully. Gave an origin without dwelling on it, and wrote a solid story as a foundation for any of the more fantastical elements. I used to think that Tim Burton's Batman was a good Batman movie until this one came along.

3. Iron Man. I can't imagine who could have pulled this off as well as Robert Downey, Jr. The tension between his Tony Stark and Gwyneth Paltrow's Pepper Potts was palpable and made me actually like Gwyneth in a movie. The action was sufficiently dark while sprinkling enough humor to make for an even, fun cinematic experience.

2. The Dark Knight. I've seen it twice already and plan on seeing it a third time on IMAX. A simply amazing movie – Heath Ledger's Joker was wonderful, and I loved watching Aaron Eckhart's Harvey Dent rise and fall. It was more than a superhero movie – it was a crime noir film, and the grittiness and tension and thematic elements resonated with such a large audience as a result. I absolutely love this movie.

1. Superman. I absolutely love this movie more. I can overlook the strange fact that Clark Kent disappears into the Fortress until he's an adult and appears in a suit that was magically created. I can ignore the concept that spinning the Earth backwards makes you reverse time. The reason I can bypass these small problems is because the rest of the movie is pitch perfect. Christopher Reeve was born to play that character. When Superman finds Lois Lane dead, the raw emotion from the look on his face and his scream has more pathos than any character in the rest of these movies combined.


Sidenote:
In "Clearly You're Retarded" news, tomorrow night's show will be about porn! You won't want to miss it – Wednesday at 9 PM EST!

Merciful Minerva

Friday, April 4th, 2008

Thinking about yesterday's post, I realized that I need to be a superhero.

First of all, I've already got the alliterative name. In the tradition of Peter Parker, Clark Kent, Wally West, John Jones, Lois Lane, Lana Lang, Lori Lemaris, Scott Summers, Bruce Banner, Bucky Barnes, and Max Mercury, a name like Adam Avitable clearly belongs in the comics.

Secondly, I've already got a whole array of superpowers:
1. I can make a plate of cheeseburgers disappear with super speed.
2. I'm invulnerable to trolls and insults.
3. I totally drive like Batman.
4. I can make the ground shake when I jump up and down.
5. Animals think I'm one of them and allow me to mix freely among them.
6. I can swim faster than a really slow, old turtle with only one flipper.
7. I can run faster than a snail on meth.
8. My toenails can cut through cloth like it's butter.
9. My testicles have hypnotic abilities.
10. I can ejaculate with unerring aim.

I've also got a few weaknesses that my archnemesisesisiesisis can use against me to weaken me or even kill me:
1. Vegetables.
2. A scale.
3. Small food that you have to eat with your hands or that has bones in it.
4. Bad smells.
5. Dirt.

Now all I need are two things.

First, a superhero name. SuperAvitable is too boring.
Second, a phrase to say while fighting crime. Some of the older heroes had really goofy things like "Mighty Zeus!" or "Great Gadzooks!", but I think mine should be a bit more modern.

What are your suggestions for my superhero name and superphrase?