Posts Tagged ‘surveys’

Avitable and the Proust Questionnaire

Friday, November 6th, 2009

Thanks to the lovely Finn for this series of questions, taken from the Proust Questionnaire from Vanity Fair magazine. She picked and chose her favorites, and I'll just trust her choices:

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Like yin and yang, there would be no perfect happiness without perfect unhappiness. I think I'd rather just have normal happiness instead.

What is your greatest fear?
Being forgotten.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
My selfishness.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Insincerity.

On what occasion do you lie?
I lie for the development of my persona. I lie when I'm trapped. I lie when I'm scared not to.

What is your greatest extravagance?
My life is kind of an extravagance in and of itself.

What is your current state of mind?
Constantly working, never resting, always thinking of one thing while doing another.

What is the quality you most like in a man?
Vulnerability

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Wicked sense of humor. (same answer as Finn)

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
I tend to justify my actions by saying "I'm just saying" a lot.

When and where were you happiest?
When I was inside a bubble for an hour.

Who are your favorite writers?
Stephen King, Lee Child, John Sandford, Dean Koontz, classic Anne Rice, Robert B. Parker, Dennis LeHane

Which talent would you most like to have?
I wish I was musically inclined.

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
That they weren't Republicans.

If you died and came back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
A body pillow.

What do you dislike most about your appearance?
My weight.

Where would you like to live?
Los Angeles.

What is your most treasured possession?
I don't have one. Updated: upon further reflection, maybe my hard drive because it has most of my memories.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Loneliness.

What do you most value in your friends?
Acceptance. (same answer as Finn)

What are your favorite names?
I don't have any.

What is it that you most dislike?
Stupidity borne out of ignorance.

What is your greatest regret?
Making a decision out of fear.

How would you like to die?
Protecting someone.

What is your motto?
Avitable: Tact is for pussies
Adam: What, me worry?

Contest: Lazy Sunday is BACK!

Sunday, August 2nd, 2009

Many of you may not remember my contests that I ran every Sunday for an entire year. Each contest challenged your intellect, your knowledge of entertainment trivia and your luck. It was fun doing it, but it was a lot of work, and I spent over $1000 on prizes that I gave away.

This is the one year anniversary of the final contest, so I thought I'd bring it back for one week only. The rules are simple. I will go through Facebook or the web and pick one of those survey bulletins and answer 15 of the questions. Every answer contains a reference to a movie or a television show. In the comments, guess as many references as you can – some will be laughably easy and some will be very difficult. Every correct answer is like a raffle ticket – you get one chance to win per correct answer. If you get 1 right, your name goes in the proverbial hat. If you get 10 right, your name goes in ten times. Et cetera.

The contest ends Tuesday at midnight EST. I'll give the correct answers and the winner on the following Sunday.

This week the winner will receive a 1 GB iPod Shuffle!

MB813

Good luck!


1. My roommate and I once:
Made an adult film.

2. Never before in my life have I:
Found someone else who shared my true nature, even if she was an evil pig.

3. High school was:
My last chance to tell Amanda how I feel.

4. When I’m nervous:
I make things on Mars.

5. My hair:
Looks perfect even when I ride my scooter, thanks to my new hair-met.

6. When I was 5:
I shot my father in the head by accident.

7. When I turn my head left:
I wish I could. I cannot turn left in any way!

8. I should be:
Wearing a hat signed by Tom Landry. It's designed for a guy like me. I'm a guy like me.

9. By this time next year:
I will be just like Christiane Amanpour.

10. My favorite aunt is:
Uncle Frank's wife, aunt Jack.

11. I have a hard time understanding:
Why people cry.

12. My ideal breakfast is:
Pancakes made with a snow shovel.

13. If you visit my home town:
Bring cacao beans – they'll treat you like royalty.

14. The animal I would like to see flying besides birds:
An elephant, gliding along on its ears.

15. Last night I:
Got trapped in a building with people who had rabies.

This is just me being lazy.

Sunday, March 8th, 2009

Since I'm writing this as I'm besieged on all sides by two children who have decided that we're playing good vs. evil and they're evil, I just thought I'd throw up a quick little survey that I stole from here. Oh, and don't forget to set your clocks ahead if you haven't already!

1. What is your occupation right now?
CEO

2. What color are your socks right now?
White. Well, the bottoms are probably black because I wear them outside.

3. What are you listening to right now?
The beautiful music of little children stabbing me in the face.

4. Last person you spoke to on the phone.
Britt. She pretended not to recognize my name.

5. How old are you today?
32. I feel 65.

6. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV?
I'm not one of those morons who lives vicariously through the actions of idiot athletes.

7. What is your favorite drink?
Diet Coke.

8. Have you ever dyed your hair?
Yes. Red. I looked like a large tampon.

9. Favorite food?
Filet Mignon.

10. What is the last movie you watched?
Watchmen

11. Favorite day of the year?
I don't have one.

12. How do you vent anger?
I listen to techno.

13. What was your favorite toy as a child?
My Optimus Prime Transformer.

14. Living arrangements?
We own our house.

15. What was the last thing that you cried about?
The devastating nut punch I just received from Devin.

16. Who is the friend you have had the longest?
I have a few friends that I've known since I was 4 or 5.

17. What did you do last night?
Wrote my will before coming here to babysit.

18. What are you most afraid of?
Right now? Evil children.

19. In how many areas of your country have you lived?
Five.

20. What is your favorite flower?
The kind that you use to make cookies.

My brief love affair

Monday, September 8th, 2008

Sunday night I went out for a quick dinner at Chili's. After our meal, our server presented us with our bill, which had one of those survey requests. Fill out a survey online and get entered into a drawing for $1000! Our server was very personable and very friendly, so I decided that I would actually go home and fill out the online survey, for the first time ever.

The survey started off normally:

1. I enjoyed my experience at Chili's.
2. I would recommend Chili's to a friend.
3. I would come back to Chili's for my next meal.

The options for every numbered item were "Strongly Disagree", "Disagree", "Neither Agree nor Disagree", "Agree", "Strongly Agree", and "No Opinion".

I chose "Strongly Agree" for each of them and clicked next. The statements got a little bit stranger.

4. Chili's is a place I think of whenever I'm hungry.
5. Chili's is somewhere I can get something I can't get anywhere else.
6. My experience at Chili's was the highlight of my day.

I selected "Strongly Agree", "Strongly Agree", and "Neither Agree Nor Disagree", then clicked next.

7. Chili's food is exciting and amazing.
8. The atmosphere at Chili's is inviting and welcoming.
9. I love Chili's.

Wait, what? I love Chili's? What type of survey is this? Am I about to enter into a committed relationship with a restaurant and all I have to do is say those three sweet little words? Is this worth getting one measly chance to win $1000? Am I ready for this type of commitment already?

At that point, I decided not to continue the survey. But had I forged ahead, I can only imagine what would have been next:

10. Chili's fulfills all of the needs I have in a restaurant.
11. I have no problem eating at the same restaurant for the rest of my life.
12. I understand that going through the drive-through at Burger King would be cheating.
13. Of course I think that Chili's has an attractive decor and entry way.
14. No, the new signage does not make Chili's look too large.
15. Yes, Chili's food is fulfilling, but sometimes I just want to skip the appetizer and go right to the entree.
16. No, I'm not avoiding meeting Chili's parent company. I'm just busy sometimes.
17. I just stopped at Friendly's for dessert. It was harmless!
18. What do you mean, I can't come into Chili's just wearing my day-old boxers?
19. Fine!
20. I'm moving into TGI Friday's!

I think I dodged a bullet.


A blogger I've read for a while now, Kat, is undergoing some very radical surgery today. If it goes successfully, she won't be able to turn her head either way for the rest of her life. Go read more about the surgery over at Mindy's Soapbox, and then go give Kat some happy thoughts. She will have a hard time raising her two sons after this, so there is a donate button if you're so inclined.

Lazy Sunday 50

Sunday, August 10th, 2008

Welcome to the 50th and final edition of Lazy Sunday!

I've been enjoying doing these contests but the time and effort involved writing them every Saturday started to seem reversely proportional to the number of people who entered. It also started getting more difficult to come up with clever answers that weren't rehashing old answers, so I think it's best to go out on a high note.

This week's prize is an Avitable prize pack containing the following:

  • A "Viva El Avitable" T-shirt in whatever size and color you want.
  • A six-pack of Avitable condoms.
  • An autographed drawing by me, of anything you want.
  • An iPod shuffle.
  • A $25 Amazon.com or iTunes gift certificate.
  • A guest post on your blog by me.
  • A one-night hotel stay in Altamonte Springs for the night of the Halloween party on November 1st. If you cannot come to the party, you can get an additional $25 Amazon.com or iTunes gift certificate instead.

For this week's contest, there are no answers – only questions! What television series, movie, or song is referenced by each question? They're not all the same movie or TV show this time!

For each one that you correctly guess, you'll get one raffle ticket, and, just like normal, I'll put all the raffle tickets into one virtual hat and draw a name for the winner. The winner to my last contest will be announced next Sunday!


1. Have you ever pretended to be your girlfriend or boyfriend's dad?

2. Would you ever cut one of your friends on purpose?

3. Where's the worst place you've ever gone without a weapon or Backup?

4. Are you afraid of tollbooths?

5. Have you ever worn OR scrubs?

6. What do you do with a smell that won't come out?

7. Don't you hate when nobody will acknowledge you or talk to you?

8. Can you fly a plane? Does anyone know?

9. Do you fight with your wife or husband and in-laws non-stop during Christmas?

10. Have you ever burned something valuable that wasn't yours?

11. Has anybody ever shot you with a BB pistol?

12. Can you go to the bathroom if someone is listening?

13. Have you ever bought the very last hot dog from a hot dog stand?

14. Would you kiss a toaster?

15. Do you like gladiator movies?


Congratulations to the following people who correctly guessed the answer to last week's contest:
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Lazy Sunday XLIX

Sunday, August 3rd, 2008

Welcome to the penultimate 49th Edition of Lazy Sunday!

I don't know if I'm just making these too hard or if everybody's just really hungover on Sundays recently, but the results were pretty miserable – skip to the end of the post to see the correct answers and last week's winner.

Anyways, this is the second to last Lazy Sunday contest! That's right – after giving away over $1000 in prizes (that I paid for myself – I received no sponsorship or freebies for these contests), I'm going to host two more contests, and that's it!

But these last two are going to be a doozy, and the rules are gonna change.

For this week's contest, all 15 references are for the same television series, musical artist, or movie. That's right – all you have to do is figure out one answer!

Since once someone correctly guesses, everybody would be able to easily figure it out, comments are closed. Instead of commenting with your answer, I want you to email me at my first name at my last name dot com. Put the subject line "Lazy Sunday 49" and write your answer in your email.

Each person who emails me by midnight on Tuesday will get a raffle ticket, and I'll pick one at random to give this week's prize, which is:

An 8GB iPod touch!

So let's see how you do, and tune in next Sunday to find out the winners and see what next week's unbelievable contest will bring!


1. Do you sleep in your bra?
Usually I sleep under my Avitable sheets.

2. Do you enjoy drama?
Only if I can rent it from the vendor between the scanner and the coffee machine.

3. Are you a girly girl?
No, I'm tough, especially if someone shoots me.

4. Do you dress up on Halloween?
I dress up as a woman in a dress, but I keep my cigar and don't shave.

5. What are you doing right now?
Protecting the chastity of a youngish girl.

6. Have you ever been called a bad influence?
Not if they don't want their crotches to hurt like a motherfucker.

7. Are you currently frustrated with a guy?
I keep thinking he's just going to fall asleep on me.

8. Do you have a best friend that's a guy?
Sort of.

9. Have you ever thought of having plastic surgery?
I had my nose done as a teen.

10. Do you like your life?
I did until I had the special.

11. Have you ever had a good feeling about something?
Yes, and apparently my good feelings are more than that.

12. Do you have any plans for tomorrow?
I just want to see if my ass is still as big.

13. Recently done anything you regret?
Does self-consumption count?

14. Whats the closest thing to you that's liquid?
Self-referential yogurt.

15. Are you easily confused?
Yeah. And I take orders from the President way too literally.


And here are the answers and winners from last week's contest :
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Lazy Sunday XLVIII

Sunday, July 27th, 2008

Welcome to the 48th Edition of Lazy Sunday!

Boy, you guys really sucked last week. Really. The most that anyone got right was 6, and there were five questions that nobody got right at all. I'm so ashamed of all of you.

This week's prize is a $25 gift certificate from Amazon.com!

Everyone has a chance at winning, so don't be shy! The questions may be hard, but everyone who's between the ages of 16 and 80 should be able to get at least one correct – I promise.

The rules:

It's very simple. I go through my Myspace friends and pick one of their survey bulletins and answer 15 of the questions. Every answer contains a reference to a movie, a television show, or a song. Just guess as many as you can – some will be laughably easy and some will be very difficult. Every correct answer is like a raffle ticket – you get one chance to win per correct answer. If you get 1 right, your name goes in the proverbial hat. If you get 10 right, your name goes in ten times. Et cetera. You're on the honor system – try not to Google or look at other people's answers!

The contest ends Tuesday at midnight EST. I'll give the correct answers and the winner on the following Sunday.

Ready? Here we go!


1. Do you have a best friend who knows you inside and out?
I am my own best friend. I like pizza.

2. Have you ever been punched by the opposite sex?
No, but I almost hooked up with my mom.

3. What color are the walls in your room?
Well, my wall is more like a pattern. Just like my shirt!

4. When is the last time you cried?
When you buried me in the front yard.

5. Are you falling for anyone?
Well, I fantasize about my therapist.

6. Where will you be in an hour?
Going for a haircut, then I'll probably drop in for a pie.

7. What's your biggest flaw?
I have a drinking problem. It's all Elaine's fault.

8. What do you feel right now?
Other than the earth moving under my feet?

9. Have you ever dated anyone longer than a year?
I haven't dated anyone since my assistant died in 1996. All the rest of my assistants have spurned me or been lesbians.

10. Do you want kids?
As long as they don't become pen pals with a serial killer.

11. Do you do things you later regret?
I regret wasting every single summer on that damn radio contest.

12. What made you happy today?
Selling museum tickets and my tasty fucking fried chicken.

13. Who was the last friend at your house?
Martha and Rose stopped by.

14. What were you doing an hour ago?
Fucking the judge's niece in his house.

15. Have you ever been in trouble with the police?
I thought I was, but I was just learning a lesson about teaching lessons.


And here are the answers and winners from last week's contest :
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Lazy Sunday XLVII

Sunday, July 20th, 2008

Welcome to the 47th Edition of Lazy Sunday!

Last week was the SciFi Edition, and a few answers might cause some debate. First, the answer to #3 was the original Alien, but most people said Aliens, which was the sequel. Am I remembering that wrong, or wasn't the first Alien the one where she was hanging out with the Marines and Paul Reiser in her panties? Another debatable one was #4 – being very, very allergic to water. The answer was not Alien Nation. I would have said "salt water". The answer is Signs. Another hard one was #9. The answer is Return of the Jedi, because that's when they find out they're brother and sister. Finally, #12, the Galaxy of Terror one, was about Futurama, which had an episode that mentioned the Galaxy of Terror (when Fry accidentally drank the Emperor). Nobody guessed that one! Oh, and congratulations to Metalmom, who was the only one to correctly guess that #14 was Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. You can find the rest of last week's answers, scores and contest winner in an extended entry, but now it's time for today's Lazy Sunday contest!

This week's prize is a 6-pack sampler of gourmet popcorn from Dale & Thomas Popcorn!

Everyone has a chance at winning, so don't be shy! The questions may be hard, but everyone who's between the ages of 16 and 80 should be able to get at least one correct – I promise.

The rules:

It's very simple. I go through my Myspace friends and pick one of their survey bulletins and answer 15 of the questions. Every answer contains a reference to a movie, a television show, or a song. Just guess as many as you can – some will be laughably easy and some will be very difficult. Every correct answer is like a raffle ticket – you get one chance to win per correct answer. If you get 1 right, your name goes in the proverbial hat. If you get 10 right, your name goes in ten times. Et cetera. You're on the honor system – try not to Google or look at other people's answers!

The contest ends Tuesday at midnight EST. I'll give the correct answers and the winner on the following Sunday.

Ready? Here we go!


1. Have you ever really cried your heart out?
Once, when a girl threw water on me after I got out of the pool.

2. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
No, but I've puked to a musical crescendo.

3. Do you cry when you get an injury?
Only when my finger got cut off in the door.

4. What can always make you happy?
The girls over at Dante's.

5. Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt?
Well, she did catch fire, but I'm used to it.

6. Anyone besides your friends/family ever said they loved you?
Only when I make everything groovy.

7. Are you in a relationship?
No – the moth guy and I are just partners.

8. Who do you actually hate?
Nazis. And rats.

9. Are you a mean bully?
Nope. Once I hurl the kid into the air, he usually leaves everyone alone.

10. Do you wish you could be someone else?
A prince who is moving to Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma.

11. What is your current hair color?
Half blond, half blackened.

12. Have you ever been on the phone until the sun came up?
No. The last time I saw the sun come up, almost 220 years ago, there were no phones.

13. Who was the last person you talked to in person?
Two boys on bikes. One gave me a shirt.

14. Who was the last person who made you laugh?
Johnny, doing one of his usual characters.

15. Do you get along with your parents?
I did, until my mom died and my dad didn't tell me!


And here are the answers and winners from last week's contest :
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Lazy Sunday XLVI

Sunday, July 13th, 2008

Welcome to the 46th Edition of Lazy Sunday!

Two weeks ago was a little hard, I guess. Nobody correctly guessed that the answer to #15 was "Once Upon a Time in Mexico". You can find the rest of last week's answers, scores and contest winner in an extended entry, but now it's time for today's Lazy Sunday contest!

This week's prize is for my friend Dan. In little more than a week, he and 9 friends will be walking 78 miles in six days for charity, with all proceeds going to The Joseph Salmon Trust, a charity set up by his close friends Neil and Rachel in memorial of their three year old son Joseph who in April of 2005 died suddenly in his sleep.

The Joseph Salmon Trust supports parents who have lost a child by providing financial assistance to those who need it most. This may be to help with funeral costs or to allow the self employed a break from work while they come to terms with their loss. Grieving families have enough to deal with without worries about where they will find the money to say goodbye to their child or pay the next electricity bill. Nothing we can do can make their situation better, but we can do something to stop it getting worse.

This week's prize will be a $100 donation to the Joseph Salmon Trust in the winner's name. It's a worthy cause, and if you feel like donating yourself, you can do so here.

This is also a themed contest – every answer has to do with a song, movie, or television show that's in the SCIFI GENRE!

Everyone has a chance at winning, so don't be shy! The questions may be hard, but everyone who's between the ages of 16 and 80 should be able to get at least one correct – I promise.

The rules:

It's very simple. I go through my Myspace friends and pick one of their survey bulletins and answer 15 of the questions. Every answer contains a reference to a movie, a television show, or a song. Just guess as many as you can – some will be laughably easy and some will be very difficult. Every correct answer is like a raffle ticket – you get one chance to win per correct answer. If you get 1 right, your name goes in the proverbial hat. If you get 10 right, your name goes in ten times. Et cetera. You're on the honor system – try not to Google or look at other people's answers!

The contest ends Tuesday at midnight EST. I'll give the correct answers and the winner on the following Sunday.

Ready? Here we go!


1. Do you wear slippers?
Yup. I named them, too. Klaatu and Nikto.

2. Are you pregnant?
Pregnant or something! I should just hurl myself into this giant furnace.

3. Do you wear a bra to bed at night?
I just wear a t-shirt and panties when I go into stasis with the Marines.

4. Are you allergic to anything?
I'm really, really allergic to water.

5. When was the last time you called in sick?
Well, I got shot up pretty bad by a Detroit gang and was pronounced dead.

6. Have you ever been in a car accident?
No, but once I fell when escaping from a nuclear wessel.

7. What is your favorite snack food?
Cats.

8. Do you think you have a big butt?
I have a good butt. And three boobs.

9. Would you like to look like your mom when you are her age?
I barely remember her. She died shortly after giving birth to me and my brother.

10. If you won a million dollars, what would you buy first?
A lot of mashed potatoes. I've got some sculpting to do!

11. Do you own a dictionary?
No, but I've read one. Along with hundreds of books. I need more input!

12. Where was the last place you went on vacation?
Somewhere in the Galaxy of Terror.

13. Do you talk about your friends behind their backs?
Only if they're pre-criminals.

14. Do you like to mow the yard?
When I can find the damn remote control.

15. Any big plans for the summer?
Work in the mud fields of Canton and sing the Hero's praises.


And here are the answers and winners from last week's contest :
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Lazy Sunday XLV

Sunday, June 29th, 2008

Welcome to the 45th Edition of Lazy Sunday!

Last week was tough for everyone. Nobody correctly guessed that the answer to #3 was "The Simpsons" or that the correct answer to #13 was "Roswell". I'm ashamed of you supposed Simpsons fans and scifi fans out there!

You can find the rest of last week's answers, scores and contest winner in an extended entry, but now it's time for today's Lazy Sunday contest! This week's prize is a mystery! I'll be pulling out some cool stuff and giving it away, but it's a total enigma to you!

Everyone has a chance at winning, so don't be shy! The questions may be hard, but everyone who's between the ages of 16 and 80 should be able to get at least one correct – I promise.

The rules:

It's very simple. I go through my Myspace friends and pick one of their survey bulletins and answer 15 of the questions. Every answer contains a reference to a movie, a television show, or a song. Just guess as many as you can – some will be laughably easy and some will be very difficult. Every correct answer is like a raffle ticket – you get one chance to win per correct answer. If you get 1 right, your name goes in the proverbial hat. If you get 10 right, your name goes in ten times. Et cetera. You're on the honor system – try not to Google or look at other people's answers!

The contest ends Tuesday at midnight EST. I'll give the correct answers and the winner on the following Sunday.

Ready? Here we go!


1. Name something you have in common with all your siblings?
I don't really have anything in common with them. They don't even like Twinkies!

2. Do you fold your underwear?
Iron it, fold it, arrange it by color and age and who it was inspected by.

3. Who is the last person you wrote a letter to on paper?
I told someone that if they were in, I was in.

4. What was your first job?
I worked for my dad's Big and Tall store.

5. Aside from Driver's Ed, who really taught you how to drive?
I been driving people around in Hong Kong for long time.

6. What did you do today?
Killed a yak with mind bullets.

7. Are you emotional?
I ain't got time to emote.

8. Have you ever had the same dream more than once?
Just that one where I owned the inn in Vermont.

9. If you were in an emergency situation and you had to deliver a baby, could you?
Only if you downloaded the knowledge into my brain.

10. What was the most recent thing you bought?
This cutest little pet from a cranky Chinese guy.

11. What is on your refrigerator door?
I don't know. It blew away, with the fridge, during an atomic bomb explosion.

12. Name something you have to do tomorrow.
Give the best history presentation ever.

13. Would you ever want to swim with the sharks?
Only the laser-free ones.

14. What are you wearing?
An outfit that blends in with the outside of this building, a small hang glider, and I'm carrying an empty gun.

15. What was the last thing you ate?
The best pork dish I've ever eaten.


And here are the answers and winners from last week's contest :
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