Welcome to Divorce 101 here at Avitable's School of Higher Learning. Hopefully, each of you did your reading over winter break. If not, your assignments are to read "You Can't Have 'Divorce' Without an 'Orc'" and "Top Ten Ways Not To Get Ripped Off By The Pawnbroker Buying Your Wedding Ring" and write a paper discussing the thematic elements in each book and how they compare to and contrast with the philosophy present in Plato's Republic.

I don't have a syllabus ready because I was too busy trying to buy all of those little things you need for your home that you don't think about, like coasters or salt and pepper or a toilet brush. So instead, I've decided just to quickly outline the next 12 weeks so that you can be properly prepared for each lesson. Remember, I grade on a curve, but you will lose or gain points based on the caliber, attractiveness, and IQ of your rebound final exam.

DIVORCE 101, BY DOCTOR ADAM HEATH AVITABLE

LESSON #1: DISHES

Problem: Doing dishes sucks. I hate that chore more than anything else in the world.
Old Married Solution: Wait until they pile so high that spouse does them.
New Divorced Solution: Use paper plates.

LESSON #2: TELEVISION

Problem: Part of the fun of watching comedies is laughing with other people.
Old Married Solution: Save comedies to watch with spouse.
New Divorced Solution: Record yourself laughing on your computer and make your own laughtrack.

LESSON #3: LAUNDRY

Problem: It's inordinately difficult to put dirty laundry anywhere other than the exact spot where you took it off.
Old Married Solution: Laundry fairy flits around, picking up dirty socks and underwear and placing them in clothes hampers.
New Divorced Solution: Buy 60 pairs of socks, 60 pairs of underwear, and re-use shirts and pants. Once every two months, rent a small backhoe and push laundry pile into laundry room.

LESSON #4: MEALS

Problem: I don't like to cook and I don't like going out to eat alone.
Old Married Solution: Go out for dinner 5 nights a week and order in the other two.
New Divorced Solution: Microwave two hot dogs covered in cheese and smother in mayo. Total prep time: 1:45.

LESSON #5: SLEEPING

Problem: I have nightmares of creepy little girls and huge spiders.
Old Married Solution: Scream until spouse wakes up and calms you down.
New Divorced Solution: Only sleep in 20-minute increments every two hours so that you achieve sleep without ever going into a dream state.

LESSON #6: SHARING

Problem: It's a stress relief to share the details of your mundane day.
Old Married Solution: Tell spouse about your day in detail.
New Divorced Solution: Blog.

LESSON #7: COMFORT

Problem: There's a distinct difference in the feel of an empty house vs a house with someone else living there.
Old Married Solution: Spouse is present.
New Divorced Solution: Rent your new home out as a glory hole for 50-year old queens.

LESSON #8: ZOMBIE ATTACK

Problem: Zombies are attacking.
Old Married Solution: Pick a defensible room and cover each other's backs until spouse gets bitten, then kill spouse and then self.
New Divorced Solution: Get bitten, join the zombies and become King of Zombies.

LESSON #9: NINJAS

Problem: Ninjas are attacking.
Old Married Solution: Show you are a man of honor by defending spouse, gain respect of ninja clan.
New Divorced Solution: Demand ninja respect by dropping pants and praying that Asian small penis stereotype is true.

LESSON #10: GEEKINESS

Problem: You are a giant geek who reads comic books and has action figures.
Old Married Solution: Embrace your geekiness completely because spouse has already committed.
New Divorced Solution: Rent two homes. One for dates that demonstrates a home of a well-adjusted, normal 33-year old man, and one that nobody sees with 43 Batman statues, a full-size Yoda replica, and lightsabers.

LESSON #11: DRESSING

Problem: You have no idea how to dress.
Old Married Solution: Don't bother learning how to. Spouse is stuck with you.
New Divorced Solution: Don't bother learning how to. Someone out there will see you as a project!

LESSON #12: CHOKING

Problem: There is always a risk of choking when eating any type of food.
Old Married Solution: Make sure spouse knows CPR.
New Divorced Solution: Limit diet to soup and ice cream to avoid any possibility of choking and asphyxiating alone on your kitchen floor.

And that's it for today's class. I'd teach more, but I somehow have more chores I need to do even though there's only one of me! See you next week when we'll also explore why it's not proper for a man to refer to himself as a "divorcee".

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