Posts Tagged ‘twitter’

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Even More Twitter Through History

Wednesday, January 6th, 2010

First, there was Twitter throughout history. Then there was more Twitter throughout history.

And now we have even more!

Twitter, for those of you ancient ones who think sexting is putting things in groups of six, is a microblogging site where people can tell the world what they're doing, reply to other people who are saying what they're doing, and enjoy a global nonstop conversation. It's been around for a little over two years, and there are politicians, corporations, and celebrities using it alongside us common folk.

But what if Twitter had been around for longer?

RPolanski Who wants to share a 'ludes and champagne cocktail and then have nsa sex?
7:42 PM Mar 10th, 1977 from BBS

ImThirt33n @RPolanski I'll meet you in Jack's bedroom.
7:44 PM Mar 10th, 1977 from BBS in reply to @RPolanski

HonestAbe I don't want to go to the theater tonight. I'd rather go to bed early. #WinkWink
1:03 PM Apr 14, 1865 from telegraph

MTLincoln @HonestAbe Ummm, I have a headache.
1:06 PM Apr 14, 1865 from telegraph in reply to @HonestAbe

Prometheus I have eight invites from Fire. DM me if you want one.
9:54 AM Aug 10, -4000 from messenger

Meriwether101 Is hanging out with a smoking hot chick. Wish me luck, tweeps!
6:15 PM Nov 4, 1804 from pony express

WilliamTheClarky @Meriwether101 I called dibs first. Don't break the bro code.
6:17 PM Nov 4, 1804 from pony express in reply to @Meriwether101

Sacagawea @Meriwether101 @WilliamTheClarky, I only like black dudes.
6:19 PM Nov 4, 1804 from pony express in reply to @Meriwether101

JMan My hands are fucking killing me.
6:00 PM Feb 20th, 32 from messenger

Peter @JMan You're hanging from a cross, how the hell are you tweeting?
6:06 PM Feb 20th, 32 from messenger in reply to @JMan

EdithFinkelstein Oy, these new ballots are so confusing. I can't tell if I did it right or not!
2:57 PM Nov 7th, 2000 from web

RNCVolunteer @EdithFinkelstein, Oh, it doesn't matter – what's one little vote?
3:18 PM Nov 7th, 2000 from web in reply to @EdithFinkelstein

RebelWoutCause It's a beautiful day for a drive. Think I'll take the Spyder out.
5:12 PM Sep 30th, 1955 from telegraph

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Posted in I am evil | 65 Comments »

Twitter: Who should you follow?

Saturday, November 7th, 2009

Yesterday, I was reading the tweets of a friend who had found FriendOrFollow.com. She was hurt by discovering that some of the people she considered in her "circle" weren't following her on Twitter, even though she was following them. Her response to this was to unfollow them and in a few cases, unsubscribe from their blogs as well.

This got me thinking. Should Twitter be focused on mutual masturbation? Should you follow every person who follows you? Should you be insulted by someone who doesn't follow you back?

I say no. I think that you should have a different perspective when using Twitter, and here's why:

  1. It may be accidental. I can think of three times in the last week where I discovered that I wasn't actually following someone who I assumed I was. It may have been because Twitter glitched when I originally tried to follow them. It may have been because I go through occasionally and unfollow people who haven't tweeted in more than 60 days, using Untweeps. Maybe I just meant to follow them back but forgot, due to real life getting in the way.

  2. Twitter is not a mutual admiration society. The goal of Twitter is to create a stream of conversation that is interesting to you. You should choose who has something interesting to say based on their content, not based on who they are. And different people use Twitter for different reasons. Some may use it for networking or marketing. Some may use it to keep track of a limited group of friends. Others might only want to follow celebrities.

  3. Twitter is one form of communication out of many. Chances are that if you follow someone on Twitter, you may also have communicated with them by email or read their blog or may be their friend on Facebook. If you have multiple avenues to communicate with someone, learn about their lives, and share elements of your own life with them, why do you need Twitter to do so? That's like being upset if you send someone a letter and instead of writing you back, they call you and then come hang out at your house.

  4. Maybe you're boring or annoying. If someone isn't following you on Twitter, rather than blame them, maybe you should view this as inspiration to be more interesting. Maybe if your tweets consist of blog posts, blip.fm songs, TV recaps, and complaints about your cat, people don't follow you because you're just cluttering up their stream. Can you really blame them? Try being clever. Try tweeting something interesting. And if you don't want to, that's cool. Just don't have the audacity to complain if someone doesn't follow you!

  5. Unfollowing isn't excommunication and it's not a punishment. Unfollowing takes a second. It can be reversed just as quickly. And chances are if you are so perturbed by someone not following you that you unfollow them in retaliation, they won't even notice. Or care. So how did you just benefit? It's likely you originally followed that person because you liked what they had to say, and now you're not getting that information anymore.

Instead of viewing Twitter as a way to boost your ego with followers, try seeing it as a way to get your message across, whatever that message may be. If your goal is to be interesting and attract followers based on content, good for you. If you just want to share the mundanities of your life, that's good, too. Just don't take it personally if people don't find you interesting or if people choose not to read what you have to say.

Updated: This is not a venue to attack my friend – she was legitimately hurt. I am just addressing why I think if you take a different perspective, you can avoid these types of hurt feelings in the future.

Or, if you want more followers another way, just buy my Twitter shirt from Zazzle!

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Posted in Avitable Gives Advice | 160 Comments »

Marry, Fuck, or Kill?

Saturday, October 31st, 2009

After playing around with the new Twitter list function and randomly adding all people I'm following into either a "marry", "fuck", or "kill" list, I decided that we should play that game. Out of the following groups, who would you marry, who would you fuck, and who would you kill?

JFK

JFK
Ronald Reagan

Ronald Reagan
Barack Obama

Barack Obama
Michael J. Fox

Michael J. Fox
Rosie O'Donnell

Rosie O'Donnell
Ru Paul

Ru Paul
Kristen Bell

Kristen Bell
Angelina Jolie

Angelina Jolie
Mila Kunis

Mila Kunis
Bert

Bert
Snuffleupagus

Snuffleupagus
Elmo

Elmo

My answers:

1. Marry JFK for the money, Fuck Obama because you know he'd be pretty fucking eager, and Kill Reagan before he could call you a Commie.

2. Marry RuPaul so you can borrow his clothes, no matter what your sex is, Fuck Michael J. Fox because he'd do all the work involuntarily, and Kill Rosie O'Donnell because she's Rosie O'Donnell.

3. Marry Kristen Bell because you could spend years talking to her without getting bored, Fuck Mila Kunis because she would be a fucking tiger, and Kill Angelina Jolie because she's an ugly skank.

4. Marry Bert because you know he'd take care of the house, Fuck Snuffleupagus because he's imaginary, so nobody will actually remember that it happened, and Kill Elmo because his voice would make your brain melt.

What are your answers?

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Posted in Dirty talk | 91 Comments »

Avitter: The anti-social network #izeafest

Sunday, October 4th, 2009

After spending a weekend at IZEAfest listening to people talk about social networking and their expertise in said arena, I have decided that I need to be at the forefront of a new trend. I want to be the pioneer of anti-social networking.

I will call this new network "Avitter", and here's how it would work:

1. Create a profile. There are no fields for your name or your URL or your personal information. Instead, you fill in your favorite quotes, snarky views on life, and showcase why you're better than all of those people with whom you don't want to be friends.

2. Don't follow anyone. It's not worth it, because people are stupid.

3. If someone wants to follow you, they have to demonstrate that they really, really, really want it. First, they request to follow you through the site. They will then be provided with a unique 128 digit hexadecimal series that will be their private pin. Next, they will be required to fill out a 10-page application, including a short essay, the subject of which would be "Why I Want To Be Your Friend". After you review their application, if you determine that they may be worthwhile to permit, an in-person interview will be scheduled, and a deep background check will be ordered. Finally, after you've approved them, they have to input their pin every time they try to view your profile, your posts, reply to you, or even if they think of you.

4. Now that you have your anti-social network in place, all you have to do is create content! For the best Avitter experience, talk about people you hate, look down your nose on things that you are incapable of doing, and roll your eyes at people for taking actions that you've never tried before.

After these four simple steps, you'll be all set. Before too long, you'll be an expert on anti-social networking! Bigger and bigger advertisers will shun you, more and more PR reps will never email you, and the largest online magazines will never ask you to write for them. As you sit back in your dank, darkened room, with the glow of your monitor giving your face an evil, sickly glow, you can sit back and relax, knowing that you've conquered the anti-social networking game!

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Posted in satire | 24 Comments »

Five things I hate about blogging

Tuesday, August 18th, 2009

Saw this over here at SoMi Speaks. SoMi wrote about a post she had read where the author challenged people to write interesting content by discussing a viewpoint counter to your typical opinion. She chose to write about reasons to hate blogging. Rather than choose another topic, I think I'll steal her idea completely:

Five things I hate about blogging:

  1. Theme days. Wordless Wednesday. Half Naked Thursday. Thursday Thirteen. Haiku Friday. Sunday Stealing, Shitty Saturday, Moron Monday. Write on your blog because you have something you want to say. Write on your blog because you want to commit to creating content every day. Write for a real reason. Don't think to yourself "Oh, self, I haven't posted in a few days. I think I'll just stick up a photo and since it's Wednesday, I don't have to write a post and I can call it Wordless Wednesday." If you want to just put a photo up, put it up any day. You don't have to write anything if you don't want to. But following along with these theme days is just lazy blogging. Don't blog that day if you don't have anything to say.

    EDIT: Let me be clear that I'm talking about global theme days, not themes that you come up for your own specific blog. That's a huge difference. One is following and one is leading.

  2. Cutesy Pseudonyms. Just like someone else, I despise cutesy pseudonyms on blogs. If you refer to your husband as "The Big Sir" and kids as "Little Creature" and "Princess from Space", I won't read you. Those types of names make your writing one-dimensional and make it very hard to see those people as anything other than characters in your shitty blog rather than full-fleshed three-dimensional people in your shitty life.

  3. Twitter. Twitter has made people lazy about blogging. Rather than putting time and effort into their content, the idea is germinated in their brain and then ejaculated in 140 characters onto Twitter to never be seen again. The advent of Twitter has also reduced commenting, which, in my opinion, reduces the feeling of community that blogging provides. I routinely get someone who comments on my post on Twitter rather than ON THE FUCKING POST or who replies to my comment on their post via Twitter.

  4. Blogs on Blogspot. Blogger's comment system sucks. You don't have control over your content, including images you upload. If you're serious about your blog, spend the five fucking dollars it would take to reserve a domain name or even go over to Wordpress.com for free. Every blog I see that's at http://Fuckinglazyblogger.blogspot.com I discount its value, even if its only marginally. If you don't take it seriously, why should I waste my time reading your blog?

  5. Product Review Sites With the exception of very few review sites, most sites will simply post a referral link to the product with scant information about the quality or even the function of said product. If you're going to do a review, actually review the product. Provide useful information about the product. Personal experiences with the item. Cogent details on why the product is or is not worth the purchase. If I'm searching for info on a product, and I see a site that just links to the product with a photo and maybe a rating or a one-line review, I usually hunt down the person who runs the site and throw hot pokers at their face.

Those are just five things that I hate about blogging. What do you hate?

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Posted in Rants | 245 Comments »

More Twitter throughout history

Wednesday, August 12th, 2009

Back in June, I wrote a post that gave some examples of tweets we may have seen if Twitter was always around. I thought I'd revisit this topic today.

Twitter, for those of you ancient ones who think a feed reader is a magazine about grain and corn, is a microblogging site where people can tell the world what they're doing, reply to other people who are saying what they're doing, and enjoy a global nonstop conversation. It's been around for a little over two years, and there are politicians, corporations, and celebrities using it alongside us common folk.

But what if Twitter had been around for longer than two years?

MamaCass I'm hungry. Should I have some soup or a ham sandwich?
9:45 PM Jul 29th, 1974 from BBS

MamasPapasFan45 @MamaCass Definitely the ham sandwich.
9:52 PM Jul 29th, 1974 from BBS in reply to @MamaCass

HarryReese Well, my experiment of mixing peanut butter and castor oil is a disaster. I'm a ruined man.
4:23 PM Aug 2nd, 1918 from teletype

BHershey @HarryReese Have you tried chocolate instead?
4:59 PM Aug 2nd, 1918 from teletype in reply to @HarryReese

HappyInHiroshima I lost my job today. And my wife told me she was cheating on me. Today couldn't get any worse.
7:59 AM Aug 6th, 1945 from teletype

ColPTibbets @HappyInHiroshima Give it 15 minutes.
8:00 AM Aug 6th, 1945 from teletype in reply to @HappyInHiroshima

SharonStone Running a little late for the shoot today. Can't believe I forgot my panties! Oh well, NBD.
6:46 AM Nov 20th, 1991 from web

J_Iscariot Oh man! The new iPhone comes out tomorrow but it costs thirty pieces of silver. I'm so bummed!
1:11 PM Feb 13th, 32 from messenger

Caiaphas001 @J_Iscariot, dude. Call me.
6:45 PM Feb 18th, 32 from messenger in reply to @J_Iscariot

ChrisReeve Wish me luck in today's horse riding competition!
9:15 AM May 27th, 1995 from AOL

DanaR @ChrisReeve Good luck, my Superman!
9:22 AM May 27th, 1995 from AOL in reply to @ChrisReeve

BuddyH Anybody up for a fun party trip to Fargo?
11:32 PM Feb 2nd, 1959 from teletype

RitchieV @BuddyH I've never been in a small plane before. I'm there!
11:38 PM Feb 2nd, 1959 from teletype in reply to @BuddyH

BigB @BuddyH @RitchieV Hell yeah I'm up for it. I'll bring the beer!
11:42 PM Feb 2nd, 1959 from teletype in reply to @BuddyH

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Posted in General | 71 Comments »

The Day That Twitter Died

Friday, August 7th, 2009

On Thursday, August 6th, 2009, from 9:04 AM until 11:42 AM Eastern Standard Time, the largest social networking site in the world, Twitter, experienced an outage that prevented its millions of users from reaching its servers.

In that short period of time, in less than three hours, tragedy struck. Mobs gnashed their teeth and rioted until order could be restored. There were tears and there was anger. Bargains with the devil were struck and pleas to heaven could be heard worldwide.

In those one hundred and fifty six crucial minutes . . .

. . . 1,400,329 people had nobody to which they could tell "Good morning, all!"

. . . 98,603 people missed a chance to share something cute their child just did.

. . . 116 people cried for attention with a fake claim of suicide, but nobody could hear them, so they decided life was worth living.

. . . 845,033 people tried to send a message asking if Twitter was broken.

. . . 77,136 people were unable to get any feedback on whether they should have pancakes or a breakfast burrito.

. . . 100,009 people had to rant silently about someone stupid standing in front of them in line.

. . . 26,784 people had to actually concentrate on driving.

. . . 1,000 people weren't able to share the experience of the oral sex they were receiving at that exact moment and had to actually enjoy the experience instead.

. . . 2,948,303 people took a photo that they couldn't share, and they took this time to realize that it was a mundane photo that nobody would have actually cared about anyway.

. . . 41,377 people picked up a book.

. . . 42,480 people picked up a crack pipe.

. . . 19 personal assistants to celebrities breathed a sigh of relief that they were unable to share their employers' inane statements with the Internet.

. . . 82,256 self-titled social media experts contemplated suicide because if they couldn't market through Twitter their whole business plan was defunct.

. . . 4,000 of them actually went through with it.

. . . 13,144 people were listening to music but had nobody to tell about it.

. . . 108,036 people had to use instant messenger programs to hold private conversations

. . . 3,499,102 people had no way for people to find out about their new blog posts, well, except through feedreaders.

. . . 220,876 people didn't get paid for their obnoxious sponsored tweets

. . . 18,331,578 people called up a friend and told them what someone on TV said because they had a compelling urge to retweet something, anything, no matter how mundane.

. . . 144 people didn't even notice, but they felt a burden lift from their shoulders.

. . . 1 person took that time to write a not-really-that-witty post about what people did when Twitter was down.

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Posted in satire | 122 Comments »

My Interview with #BlogHer09

Monday, July 27th, 2009

On Sunday, July 26th, after a short yet productive life, Twitter hashtag #BlogHer09 passed away in the hospital. She spent her entire life selflessly supporting the 2009 BlogHer Conference, and although many people may have found her annoying and a bit overwhelming, she was appreciated by many. As usual, I had the privilege of interviewing the recently deceased hashtag:

Me: So, #BlogHer09, was your passing peaceful?

BH: Well, it would have been nice, but there were a few people who just wouldn't let go and made the end very painful. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised to see my name still popping up occasionally over the next few months.

Me: Since your life was so tied into the BlogHer Conference, do you have any regrets?

BH: It would have been nice if people would have stopped using me to order room service, get directions, have private, in-depth conversations, and flirt with each other shamelessly. But at least it wasn't as bad as it was for my good friend #NikonHatesBabies.

Me: Did you ever get any breaks or did BlogHer have you running ragged every minute?

BH: Well, the morning was usually pretty hectic as 1400 people decided to tell everyone else how much they needed coffee and hated how their hair looked. Then it would calm down for a little while until each attendee decided to ask another attendee where they were and then decide to meet in the lobby. At lunch, I got a short break because everyone's hands were full as they shoved bad free food down their gullets. Well, except for the Anorexia contingency, of course. But most of them were too weak to type.

Me: What about the evenings? Were those busy?

BH; They usually started out quite busy. One person would tweet about a party, and then a thousand people would retweet it, and that was a lot of work. As the night progressed and the alcohol flowed, though, more and more of them would start to make massive spelling errors, and my lesser known colleagues #Bligher09, #BlofHer09, and #Bagheagbhu2 went to work.

Me: What would you say was the worst part of your job?

BH: The swag. I was so sick of hearing about people complaining about not getting free stuff. Plus, I got my own bag of Room 704 swag and I was so disappointed when I put in that porno DVD to watch and found out that it was a fucking ballet video. It was really hard to masturbate to that with the free dildo, but I managed.

Me: You masturbated? But don't you have a blog husband? I thought that was common.

BH: Well, @ChildsPlayX2 and I were friends, but we had to have a blog divorce after I found out he was updating his Facebook status without telling me. So . . . I'm blog single now . . . what are you doing after the interview?

Miss Britt: I WILL CUT YOU, BITCH!

Me: Let's move on. For you, what was the worst part of the entire conference?

BH: Definitely the men. First there were those awful, horrible T-shirts that offended 4 people. Then, there was that dreadful Vaginally Challenged panel where those misogynists got a platform to spread their agenda and innuendo. Before you know it, men are going to start reading blogs and getting advertisers interested in them and getting invited to go to the private sponsored parties! It could become an epidemic.

Me: I heard that the panel was quite a success, actually. One of the best sessions of the weekend.

BH: Yeah, well, somebody also said that the WiFi in the hotel was amazing, so you know how easily bullshit spreads.

Me: And what was the best part of the entire conference?

BH: Definitely the community keynote. What better way to celebrate the written word than by having what felt like a thousand bloggers read their posts aloud to a crowded room? It was magical.

Me: I don't think that word means what you think it does.

BH: Well, if I was going to suggest something else, I'd say that the attitude was the best part. Even with the rampant commercialism, stampeding for swag, rumormongering, and overwhelming feeling of estrogen in the air, the sense of community was palpable, and people seemed genuinely interested in meeting each other, making friends, putting faces with familiar names, and kissing each other with lots of tongue.

Me: I noticed in your obituary that you died during childbirth. Did your child survive?

BH: Yes, little #Blogher10 has been kicking and screaming. Even without me, I know that her dad, #GiveMeFreeShit, will do a great job raising her.

Me: Thanks for the interview. You can now walk into the light.

BH: Oh it's so pretty. I hear harps and feel the fluttering of wings. I'm coming, heaven! Wait, what's happening? It's stalling – the pearly gates aren't opening. Oh fuck, it's the FAIL WHALE!

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead celebrity interviews:

Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

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Posted in Avitable Interviews | 93 Comments »

Avitable: Tshirt Whore

Sunday, June 28th, 2009

Have you ever thought to yourself, "Self, I wish there was a T-shirt out there that demonstrated that I was tech-savvy, perverted, clever, punny, trendy, and classy"?

Well, now your dreams have been answered! Available in men's and women's sizes!

Not quite your style? Try one of my simpler, easier shirts to tell the world about your blog or Twitter URL! It's customizable so that you can change the URL to yours very easily.

I'm totally BLOGGING this shirt

Front

I'm totally BLOGGING this shirt

Back

(Also available in a Woman's version)

I'm totally TWEETING this shirt

Front

I'm totally TWEETING this shirt

Back

(Also available in Men's version)

I know what I'll be wearing to BlogHer this year. How about you?

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Posted in Whoring | 32 Comments »

If we always had Twitter

Monday, June 22nd, 2009

(If you're looking for the contest winner, scroll down!)

Twitter, for those of you with your heads lodged firmly up your geriatric keisters, is a microblogging site where people can tell the world what they're doing, reply to other people who are saying what they're doing, and enjoy a global nonstop conversation. It's been around for a little over two years, and there are politicians, corporations, and celebrities using it alongside us common folk.

But what if Twitter had been around for longer than two years?

FBIWaco About to search the Branch Davidians. Can't wait to see the look on @DavidKoresh's stupid face.
9:45 AM Feb 28th, 1993 from web

DavidKoresh @FBIWaco Fuck you, you'll never take us alive. I'm totally unfollowing you!
9:48 AM Feb 28th, 1993 from web in reply to @FBIWaco

Britney Oh my God, y'all! I totally forgot to wear panties today. Sometimes I'm so blonde! /giggles
9:01 PM Dec 4th, 2006 from web

PaparazziPhotog @Britney Just asking idly, but where are you going clubbing tonight and about what time?
9:33 PM Dec 4th, 2006 from web in reply to @Britney

NBrown Totally just had the best sex of my life with @RGoldman. He's so much better than my ex, who had a tiny little dick.
10:24 PM Jun 12th, 1994 from web

OJSimpson @NBrown WTF?!?
10:53 PM Jun 12th, 1994 from web in reply to @NBrown

PReubens Anyone know of a good adult theater in Sarasota? #porn
7:19 PM Jul 26th, 1991 from web

SarasotaPD @PReubens Try the one on the corner of Main and Valencia. The cops never check it.
8:00 PM Jul 26th, 1991 from web in reply to @PReubens

KCobain If I don't get one million followers by tonight I'm totally going to shoot myself in the face.
1:11 PM April 5, 1994 from web

CourtneyHole @KCobain, pfft, whatever, you pussy. You will not.
1:12 PM April 5, 1994 from web in reply to @KCobain

CaptMikeSmith I totally blanked on how to fly the shuttle. Do I press this red button? #Challenger
11:38 AM Jan 28, 1986 from BBS

AstronautRon @CaptMikeSmith N
11:39 AM Jan 28, 1986 from BBS in reply to @CaptMikeSmith

JackieO It's such a nice day today, I'm going to insist we drive with the top down.
8:04 AM Nov 22, 1963 from teletype

In other Avita-news, thanks to the few of you who stopped by on Thursday to wish me a happy 5 year blogging anniversary and enter my contest for a free iPod Touch.

I chose the winner very simply. I used Random.org to generate a random number between 1 and 447. I counted the comments in the order that they were left, which means that a reply comment to comment #1 would not be comment #2. It would be comment #whatever based on when it was left.

Random.org chose 282. And the 282nd comment was . . . me! So I had it choose another one. This time, it chose 7. And the 7th comment was by Bluepaintred, who won the last iPod Touch I gave away, and is thereby ineligible (but I'll give you a free T-shirt, so email me)! So I had it choose another one. The third time was a charm – the number chosen was 328. And the 328th comment on that post is by . . . drumroll please . . . Casey from Moosh in Indy! Now, Casey asked me in her comment to rig this, which now seems totally suspicious, but I'm going to have to chalk this up to her having good Mormon karma that her number was chosen. Congratulations to Casey on winning the iPod Touch! Email me to confirm your win so I can get it ordered and sent out to you.

Thanks to everyone else for entering!

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Posted in I am evil | 93 Comments »

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