A certain friend makes fun of me because I have a problem with dirty talk. She tries to get me to say some of the vilest things, and I typically abstain. It's not out of embarrassment as much as it is decorum. I mean, is it really necessary to tell someone that you can't wait to feel your cock inside their hot, wet pussy?

I say nay. Allow me to demonstrate the proper way to offer direction and guidance in the bedroom while maintaining your dignity and respecting the person with whom you are engaging in private pleasures. Next time you are in the throes of passion with your lady or gentleman lover and feel the urge to use vulgarities to express your base desires, may I suggest that you try some of the following phrases instead? I can assure you that properly used, these statements of desire will immediately precipitate the heaving of any breast and the pounding of any heart.

For the gentleman:

• Instead of "Oh baby, you make my cock so hard", try "Oh m'lady, your recent gyrations have caused me to develop a certain feeling of extreme turgidity in my member."
• Instead of "I can't wait to feel my cock inside your wet pussy", might I offer an alternative of "I am currently very eager to experience the sensation of my priapic key being inserted into your properly prepared and lubricated lock."
• Instead of "I want you to suck my cock until I come", I would suggest "Would you be so kind as to gently manipulate my nether regions orally until I am able to spill my seed as the good Lord intended?"
• Instead of "I want to fuck you so hard and I want you right now", may I proffer "I am quite determined to demonstrate my carnal desire with vigor posthaste."
• Instead of "Lick my balls", why not say "The use of your tongue on my scrotum shall prove very pleasing if it's not any trouble."

For the lady:

• Instead of "My pussy is so fucking wet", might I offer an alternative of "My lady bits have reached a certain humidity level that is very pleasing to me and ready for the next stage in our relations."
• Instead of "Oh my God, fuck me harder", try "Oh Holy Lord up in heaven, I am strongly encouraged by the attempt being made so far and would prefer more vigor and doubled effort."
• Instead of "Come on my chest, baby, it's okay", I would suggest "I hereby give you permission to place your mettle upon my heaving bosom, sir."
• Instead of "Eat my pussy, bitch", may I proffer "I am currently hoping that your quick wit and quicker tongue may be of use to me between my thighs at this precise instant."
• Instead of "Oh fuck me, I'm coming", try "Dearest sir, your vigorous and well-intentioned efforts have not been in vain and I appreciate it greatly."
• Instead of "Is it in yet?" or "Are you done already?" I would suggest "Oh Avitable, you are amazing and the best lover, ever, in the history of lovers and I am forever ruined for any other men."

You're welcome, ladies and gentlemen. Enjoy your newfound puritanical prurient activities with vim, vigor, and vitality.