Posts Tagged ‘women’

My Interview with #BlogHer09

Monday, July 27th, 2009

On Sunday, July 26th, after a short yet productive life, Twitter hashtag #BlogHer09 passed away in the hospital. She spent her entire life selflessly supporting the 2009 BlogHer Conference, and although many people may have found her annoying and a bit overwhelming, she was appreciated by many. As usual, I had the privilege of interviewing the recently deceased hashtag:

Me: So, #BlogHer09, was your passing peaceful?

BH: Well, it would have been nice, but there were a few people who just wouldn't let go and made the end very painful. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised to see my name still popping up occasionally over the next few months.

Me: Since your life was so tied into the BlogHer Conference, do you have any regrets?

BH: It would have been nice if people would have stopped using me to order room service, get directions, have private, in-depth conversations, and flirt with each other shamelessly. But at least it wasn't as bad as it was for my good friend #NikonHatesBabies.

Me: Did you ever get any breaks or did BlogHer have you running ragged every minute?

BH: Well, the morning was usually pretty hectic as 1400 people decided to tell everyone else how much they needed coffee and hated how their hair looked. Then it would calm down for a little while until each attendee decided to ask another attendee where they were and then decide to meet in the lobby. At lunch, I got a short break because everyone's hands were full as they shoved bad free food down their gullets. Well, except for the Anorexia contingency, of course. But most of them were too weak to type.

Me: What about the evenings? Were those busy?

BH; They usually started out quite busy. One person would tweet about a party, and then a thousand people would retweet it, and that was a lot of work. As the night progressed and the alcohol flowed, though, more and more of them would start to make massive spelling errors, and my lesser known colleagues #Bligher09, #BlofHer09, and #Bagheagbhu2 went to work.

Me: What would you say was the worst part of your job?

BH: The swag. I was so sick of hearing about people complaining about not getting free stuff. Plus, I got my own bag of Room 704 swag and I was so disappointed when I put in that porno DVD to watch and found out that it was a fucking ballet video. It was really hard to masturbate to that with the free dildo, but I managed.

Me: You masturbated? But don't you have a blog husband? I thought that was common.

BH: Well, @ChildsPlayX2 and I were friends, but we had to have a blog divorce after I found out he was updating his Facebook status without telling me. So . . . I'm blog single now . . . what are you doing after the interview?

Miss Britt: I WILL CUT YOU, BITCH!

Me: Let's move on. For you, what was the worst part of the entire conference?

BH: Definitely the men. First there were those awful, horrible T-shirts that offended 4 people. Then, there was that dreadful Vaginally Challenged panel where those misogynists got a platform to spread their agenda and innuendo. Before you know it, men are going to start reading blogs and getting advertisers interested in them and getting invited to go to the private sponsored parties! It could become an epidemic.

Me: I heard that the panel was quite a success, actually. One of the best sessions of the weekend.

BH: Yeah, well, somebody also said that the WiFi in the hotel was amazing, so you know how easily bullshit spreads.

Me: And what was the best part of the entire conference?

BH: Definitely the community keynote. What better way to celebrate the written word than by having what felt like a thousand bloggers read their posts aloud to a crowded room? It was magical.

Me: I don't think that word means what you think it does.

BH: Well, if I was going to suggest something else, I'd say that the attitude was the best part. Even with the rampant commercialism, stampeding for swag, rumormongering, and overwhelming feeling of estrogen in the air, the sense of community was palpable, and people seemed genuinely interested in meeting each other, making friends, putting faces with familiar names, and kissing each other with lots of tongue.

Me: I noticed in your obituary that you died during childbirth. Did your child survive?

BH: Yes, little #Blogher10 has been kicking and screaming. Even without me, I know that her dad, #GiveMeFreeShit, will do a great job raising her.

Me: Thanks for the interview. You can now walk into the light.

BH: Oh it's so pretty. I hear harps and feel the fluttering of wings. I'm coming, heaven! Wait, what's happening? It's stalling – the pearly gates aren't opening. Oh fuck, it's the FAIL WHALE!

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead celebrity interviews:

Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

One of the good guys

Friday, November 21st, 2008

I'm a man…

Who has always, since being a teen, had more female friends than male friends.

Who might have had, in high school, a bad case of unrequited love, but never acted on it.

Who has always been there for many friends, day or night, to lend an ear.

Who is essentially one of the girls when it comes to gossip or hanging out.

Who slowly gained a greater understanding of how women think than most men.

Who has always gotten to know a side of some friends that their boyfriends or spouses rarely experience.

Who has gotten to know some friends better than their boyfriends or spouses ever would.

Who puts most women up on a pedestal as being worth it, all of the time.

Who has always been willing to sacrifice some dignity or pride for someone else's happiness.

Who can see past the blemishes and chips to the beauty inside.

Who cannot understand how most men think, especially when it comes to how they treat women.

Who gets infuriated with the feeling of being powerless when a friend isn't getting what she needs and deserves to flourish.

Who sometimes really hates men.

Adam on women

Monday, August 25th, 2008

(For those of you interested in Halloween announcements, scroll down to the bottom for hotel and travel information).

I don't write seriously very often. The primary reason for that is that I'm not a very serious person, and I don't have any problems that are worth releasing on the world. I am very happy with how my life is going and I think that bitching about things that are marginal compared to many other people's serious, real problems would seem petty and stupid.

That said, this isn't a post about my problems. This is just a general rant, and none of you reading it should think that I'm talking about you.

Most of you who know me know that I put women on a pedestal. I definitely got that from my dad. He and my mother, still happily married after 33 years, almost never fight. As a kid, I can maybe think of five or six times that they argued with any real anger – with raised voices or yelling. And in our house, even if they did it in the privacy of their bedroom, we would have heard them. I think one main reason that this is true is that my father was and is willing to defer to my mother. He's not someone that feels strongly about many things, so with most issues he had no reason to argue. And on the few things that he felt strongly about, she had no problems deferring to him.

My father loves my mother. It's clear in the way that he treats her and expected us to treat her. It's evident in the respect that he gives her on a regular basis. And she loves him dearly, too.

I learned from my father's example. A spouse or a significant other is a gift. They complete you in many ways, and you have to have a strong respect for the woman who makes you a better, more whole person. Most, maybe even all, women deserve my love and respect. To take it a step further, I don't really consider the sexes equal. I consider women to be superior to men in many ways.

As a result, I despise the stereotypical male. Throughout my life, I've encountered hundreds of men who seem perfectly nice in mixed company, but once there are no women around, they act like we're all part of some special club. They enjoy the chase, they relish lying and cheating, and they don't view women as being equal with them. They're users and abusers. They're the guys who joke about women having to sleep their way to the top to be successful, or like to discuss a woman's lips with relation to sucking cock. They view their spouses' hobbies and jobs (if they have jobs) with a type of disinterested sarcasm, and every response to their wife is accompanied with a wink and a nod to the boys. The only time they show any real interest is if they decide to show some misguided jealousy over obviously innocent interactions between a man and their spouse.

I hate those types of men. They're pieces of shit. Pigs. And any woman who is with a man like that and excuses it by saying, "Oh, he's just a guy," is wrong. He's not just a guy. He's a moron who has no idea what he has, but he thinks he deserves everything just for being a big manly man. With this class of men, you can just write them off as being an evolutionary throwback – a Neanderthal. As more and more women realize that they deserve better in life, this type of man will slowly die out, but until then, there's absolutely nothing I can do about the, other than avoid them and encourage the women I know to avoid them.

There's another type of man, though, that is even more frustrating, and that's the man who is a genuinely nice person. He doesn't lie or cheat or steal, nor does he want to. He actually wants to make his spouse happy and he loves her and is interested in her. But, for some reason, whether it's emotional or developmental or behavioral, he's unable to appreciate how lucky he is. He can't see what he has and what he would lose unless it's explicitly explained to him. He cannot maintain the attention span to functionally perform his role as a supportive spouse for more than a few days at once.

I want to shake this type of man and say, "Don't you understand? You need to appreciate her. And provide for her in ways other than financially. If you fuck this up, it's only your fault, and you've had it explained to you time and time again. What is fucking wrong with you?"

I'm far from perfect, and I know it. I have plenty of selfish moments and I've done things that have been chauvinistic and misogynistic and egocentric. But I'm aware of how lucky I am, and I strive every day to consider the happiness and well-being of my spouse with every action I take. And if her happiness means that I make the occasional sacrifice or bite my tongue, so be it. It's a small price to pay to be with someone who makes me happy, whom I love and who loves me, who completes me as the person, not the man, that I am.


Halloween Announcement!

For those of you who will be traveling from out of state or even within the state but want to set up arrangements to stay somewhere after the party, I've got some information for you:

Flights:

You can fly into either Sanford Airport (SFB) or Orlando International Airport (MCO). They're both about 30 minutes from my house, which is located at:

605 Birch Blvd.
Altamonte Springs, FL 32701

Sanford doesn't have many airlines, but if you're coming in from the Midwest, you might be able to fly through Allegiant Air, which has pretty reasonable fares. They won't show up on any travel discount sites, though, so you'll have to go to their site directly.

Orlando International Airport has plenty of airlines flying in. A taxi from the airport to the general area near my house will cost about $50, but all taxis in Orlando take credit cards for payment.

The party will be starting Saturday night, November 1st, around 8 PM. If you are going to be departing on Sunday, November 2nd, just keep in mind that flying out too early might mean very little sleep for you.

Hotels:

In order to try to find the closest hotels so that you wouldn't be too far from the party, I asked Paul, aka Jestertunes to work his travel agent magic and see what deals he could wrangle. And what a deal he got!

The Hilton Altamonte Springs is only 2.4 miles away from my house and right off of Interstate 4. The hotel provides complimentary transportation within a 3-mile radius, as well.

The normal room rate for the Hilton starts at $139/night, but we have a special Halloween Party group rate of $99/night. These rooms contain two double beds, free WiFi, a gourmet coffee maker, and premium amenities.

The rooms we have blocked off at this rate will not last long, so if you are planning on coming, you'll need to reserve them quickly.

How do I reserve my hotel room? Just contact Paul by phone from 11-5 PST at 1-800-474-5678, ext. 5402, or email him at paul@cruisemagic.com and he'll get you all set up. If you're still looking for plane flights, he can help find you the best rate out there, too.

Room or ride sharing? If you are interested in sharing a hotel room or getting a ride with someone to drive to the party, email me directly and I'll start keep a list of people so I can try to help anyone who wants to cut costs. My email address is my first name at my last name dot com.

If you have any questions, you can email me or leave them in the comments. Thanks!

Party nonsense

Monday, June 30th, 2008

Is there ingrained, in every woman in the world, a sense of urgency with regards to cleaning one's house in preparation for a party?

Saturday night we had a group of 10 or 11 people over for drinks, then we all went out to dinner and then came back for desserts, drinks, and fun.

Saturday I spent from dawn until dusk cleaning like we were hosting the fucking Queen. Does behind the toilet really need to sparkle? Is anyone going to look behind the toilet? Are our women guests going to quietly excuse themselves to the bathroom and then inspect behind the toilet? Will they write up a small report in "Behind the Toilet Quarterly"? "At the Avitable household, I performed a white glove test behind the toilet, around the edge of the mirror, and inside the cabinet drawer. While a bit more attention to detail could be appreciated, maybe by using a toothbrush to really bring out the shine, I heartily give the behind the toilet at the Avitables 4 out of 5 daisies."

The same goes for the guest rooms. I spent literally two hours cleaning one of the guest rooms, including moving furniture, putting books on shelves, removing electronics and rearranging the closet, only to have our guests exposed to that particular room for less than ten seconds during the tour of the house. *Click* the light goes on. "And this is the guest room," my wife says. *Click* the light goes off. I think I'm just going to take a very high resolution picture of the room, blow it up to a poster, and tape it to the door. Then, we can just shut the door to the guest room and it will look immaculate.

Finally, how is it that the pile of paper and bills on the counter becomes my pile when we're about to have a party? "Have you gotten rid of your pile?" "Don't forget to clean up your pile!" "If you don't clean up that pile I will stab you between your eyes with this spoon!" I finally get around to cleaning up my pile, which consists of bringing into my office and adding it to the other miscellaneous crap that gets shoved in here as part of "cleaning up". My office becomes the repository for every random box, book, magazine, item of clothing, pet toy, blow-up sex doll, and hooker boot in the house. And then my wife thinks it's funny to walk in and ask why my office is such a mess!

I wonder if my housekeeper would just start coming every day?

Things that can get you into trouble

Monday, October 8th, 2007

Beware, encumbered men. While these sentences may seem innocent to you, when taken out of context (without the words in brackets), they can cause homicidal feelings in your loved one. But fear not – I am here to help. Avoid these phrases if you can help it:

"I ate her fish taco [that she cooked on her stove]."

"We went for a ride and her top was down [in her convertible]."

"We both played with his [Nintendo] Wii for a while until our wrists hurt."

"By the time we got started, she was already hot and wet [because it's 100 degrees and humid as fuck]."

"She sucked it down like a pro. [So the waitress brought her another beer]."

"It really hurt when he stuck it in, but I got used to it. [And then I made him listen to something that wasn't gangsta rap]."

"I only lasted for about three minutes before collapsing in a hot, sweaty mess. [No more DDR for me]."

So, next time you put your foot in your mouth, you can't say that Avitable didn't warn ya!

When animals attack

Monday, September 17th, 2007

Saturday was the day.

The fateful day.

My Real Wife and my Work Wife (formerly my Blog Wife) were spending time together.

Without me.

While drinking.

Lots and lots of alcohol.

By having the woman who has seen that tattoo of the Martian Manhunter on my taint talk frankly with the woman who has actually touched said tattoo, only bad things could happen.

Acting as Designated Driver, I chauffeured the two drunk women home and attempted to find out what they discussed during their evening out. Fuckin' whores wouldn't tell me.

So now, my imagination has run wild . . .

Real Wife: So, what's it like working with Avitable? (Yes, my Real Wife calls me Avitable)

Work Wife: Well, he only seems to work in spurts of about 30 seconds at a time, and then he's exhausted and wants to sleep.

RW: Sounds like our sex life.

WW: Really? According to how he tells it, he's like John Holmes with the stamina of long-distance runner.

RW: More like Oliver Wendell Holmes with the stamina of a small-fused firecracker.

WW: BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

RW: HAHAHAHAHA!

WW: Seriously, though, it's not too bad. But enough with the working in the underwear already!

RW: Well, I've tried to go through and throw away the pairs that have holes in the crotch so his balls aren't always hanging out.

WW: I think you've missed a few pairs. And he definitely needs to shave or wax or something. It's like he shoved a bear rug down the front of his manties!

RW: His ass is even worse. It's like a Chia Pet gone wild.

WW: Oh, I know! My first day of work he treated me to four separate moonings. The one where he bent all the way over will scar me for life. I wake up randomly in the middle of the night screaming silently at least once a week now.

RW: I can tell you, eight years later, it does not get better. I still have my weekly ass-crack nightmare. If Avitable wakes up when it happens, he just laughs and laughs.

WW: That girly, high-pitched giggle?

RW: HA! Yup, that's the one. I swear, between the giggles, the room sprays, and the Gilmore Girls, he is such a woman.

WW: He told me that I was being mean and that I should be more sensitive yesterday.

RW: I hope you took away his man card.

WW: Not only did I take away his man card, I made him do Time Out in the corner for an hour.

RW: Good for you. He also hates it when you call him Ahmoo. Just don't use it too much or he might cry.

WW: Awesome! I'm so glad that we decided to do this. It's driving Avitable crazy, too.

RW: I know, and that's part of the fun!

WW: Hey, let's make out!

RW and WW: Muamauamammmauamaumaslurp.

A thousand words

Friday, July 6th, 2007

Most of you know that my favorite thing to come out of Iowa since "Field of Dreams", Miss Britt, is staying with me for a few days while she and her husband look for houses. In this short time, I have gotten to see all facets of Britt's personality. I decided that there was no better way to illustrate how Britt acts in real life than to actually illustrate it! Click on the image for a much larger version.

Truth about Britt

The inimitable Mrs. Avitable

Thursday, July 5th, 2007

To mangle a phrase: "Behind every perverted gorilla man is an awesome woman who is really in charge." And with that, I would like to present a post written by my wife Amy. Read and comment in droves!

Amy in Paris

How do I put up with thee? Let me count the ways.

When Adam told me that he had a big fan base for his blog, I was sure that was the case since he’s always had followers of his wit. But when he said he was afraid that many people would think that his stories were exaggerated or never really happened, I knew that only I, his wife, could set the record straight. And yes, in case you’re wondering, I really do exist. So let me just tell you a little bit about why I love Adam.

10. He’s cute and funny. Adam has always been adorable. Whether as a precocious five year old who loved wearing lederhosen or as a cuddly man-boy with an obsession for cheesy girl bands, people have always loved Adam. Like the mail man who stalked him in college. Or the peeping tom who watched Adam unabashedly leave his dorm windows open when he was naked (yes, Adam was the naked guy). Or the bevy of girlfriends he’s managed to collect during our years together. What’s amazing is that he has all of these female hangers-on and it doesn’t occur to him that some of them have crushes on him. One carried his picture around, one used to give him free food as an excuse to talk to him, and one used to call him at all hours because “no one understands me like Adam.” What can I say – he’s just so dreamy.

9. He has a great fashion sense. On the runway, we see the Avitable in his trademark ensemble – black button-up shirt, long indigo shorts and black shoes with red shoelaces that do bear a certain resemblance to clown shoes. Why indigo shorts, you might ask? Because he thought indigo was another word for black and he’s colorblind. And yes, I do let him go out of the house looking like that with holes in his socks and occasionally in the crotch of his pants. I’m not his fucking mother.

8. He’s trusting. Let me give you a little example. In law school, he was having car trouble and didn’t feel like paying to have his car looked at by a professional. So he gave the transient at the crack house next to his apartment $200 to fix his car, and even took him to the liquor store so that the guy could get “parts.” Unfortunately, the guy disappeared (we’re still worried about what happened to him), but not before he took Adam’s starter so Adam couldn’t even get his car started to take it to a professional. I still feel guilty about being the jaded one who said you shouldn’t hire the homeless to fix your car.

7. He’s great with people. Adam has a natural charisma, particularly on the road. He drives fast even though he has no particular place to go, and cuts people off just to teach them a lesson. There have been a number of times when we’ll be sitting at a red light and someone will get out of their car and come up to us to express to Adam just how much they appreciate his lessons. One time, when I was out of town on business, I was talking on the phone to Adam and he had to go because the cops were at the door. Sadly, that was not the first time he’d said that to me. Apparently, he had cut an old lady off in traffic, she’d followed him home and blocked the driveway, he tried to “teach her a lesson,” and she called the cops. Lucky for us, there were no witnesses. And don’t even get me started about when the cops came to our wedding.

6. He’s observant and witty. Of course, one of the reasons that he’s so popular is his sense of humor. You see, when I make snide remarks, am sarcastic or judge people, I’m an insensitive bitch. When Adam does it, he’s witty. I love that.

5. He’s fair. He takes every opportunity to offend people equally. You have to hand it to him, he really doesn’t try to offend one group more than another. Except for fundamentalists. They drive him crazy. Oh, and ugly people. He just can’t take those uggos. And the disabled. Oh, never mind.

4. He’s patient. He puts up with all of my faults, like my drinking and cursing and domestic abuse. But he does get a little frustrated with the barfights.

3. He’s imaginative. He imagines all sorts of things, like that it’s ok for grown men to wear clown shoes or that the Spice Girls had talent. But the most impressive is his night terrors. He imagines giant spiders on the walls and the bed, and he used to leap across the room in the middle of the night when he saw them – which is a very eye-opening sight, let me tell you. He even sees them on my face sometimes, which may just be a defense for when he someday plans to murder me.

2. He’s a teddy bear. Not figuratively. Literally.

1. He’s honest. Oh yeah – I just remembered why I’m writing this damn thing. Because he is honest, and everything he’s written so far is true. Except for the size of his penis in his illustrations. It’s much bigger.

Week in Review VII

Sunday, June 17th, 2007

Sorry about last week's absence. This week, it's the All Girl Week in Review! A bevy of beauties' blogs that deserve your attention. Here is the image in a larger, easier-to-read format, without the image map.

Amy bares it all on camera Poppy hurt her back after having sex with 7 men and 4 women. Britt tries to be funny without being a whore or talking about her vagina. Crystal flexes her muscles - acting, singing, and physical. Miss Misery turns legal.  Rawr.
  1. Amy stripped down naked and went on webcam finally, after much prompting. And she wasn't even drunk!
  2. Poppy tells her husband that she hurt her back after having sex with 7 men and 4 women. Understandable!
  3. Britt does her monthly post on Burt's Stache, where she will try to be funny without being a whore or talking about her vagina. Good luck! The post will be there in the late morning, so look for it then.
  4. Crystal flexes her muscles – acting, singing, dancing, philosophizing, sermonizing, and physical. She's clearly a Spartan.
  5. Miss Misery is 18 and legal now! Which means that I should no longer feel bad about my erection.

Sotally Tober

Friday, May 18th, 2007

Yesterday's drunk video that Britt did got me thinking about the numerous drunk dials she's made to me at my office. My phone is one of those multi-line phones that can do everything you can imagine, including recording phone conversations on the fly! So I decided to go through the hours of drunk calls that I had recorded and pick a few choice tidbits to share with you. I tried this new soundboard website, so let's see how it works. If you can't view it or use it, you can go to the direct link here. Also, keep a hand on your volume – some of these are a bit loud.