At first I felt bad about posting another list immediately after my last post, but then I realized that it’s actually more effort than a real blog post. I have to really try to come up with something clever for every answer without repeating my past hilarity. It’s tough, I tell ya.
Without any further ado, here’s something I stole from Steph and Miss Ann:
1. Explain what ended your last relationship.
Well, apparently, in some states it is illegal for a woman to have a relationship with a gorilla. Damn narrow minded bastards.
2. When was the last time you shaved?
My face – last week. My head – five years ago. My balls – once, in 10th grade, using an actual sharp razor. It is not something I recommend to anyone, ever.
3. What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.?
Enjoying a nice breakfast at Cracker Barrel. Half-pound bacon cheeseburger with fries and a Diet Coke.
4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
I don’t remember what I was doing 15 seconds ago. I could have been burying a dead hooker in a hole in my backyard for all I know. That would explain what the dog’s digging up right now.
5. Are you any good at math?
Yes. I haven’t had much of a chance to use it in my current position, but I have an affinity for math. In high school, I used to sit at the cafeteria with a few friends and we’d try to stump each other with advanced calculus problems. When we weren’t doing that, we would see who could name the most elements on the periodical table in order. No, I wasn’t the most popular kid in school – why do you ask?
6. Your prom night? what about?
Prom always bored me. There were better parties on other nights. We went, had our picture taken, and then took the limo service to someone’s house. Even though I was a senior, I dated a freshman, so she had to be home early. We probably made out for a while, and then I went home and blew a load to a Playboy or something. You asked, okay?
7. Do you have any famous ancestors?
Yes. I’ve mentioned him before. But here it goes again (from Wiki): In 1834 [Paolo Di Avitabile] was appointed governor of Peshawar, an area the Maharaja has conquered from the Afghans the previous year. Predominatly a Muslim Afghan province, the unruly region had proved too much of a task to govern for the Sikhs.
With a ruthless, at times brutal, style of government, Avitabile established order in the province where he became known as Abu Tabela. Summary executions became usual, and it is said that he would have people executed by throwing them from the top of Mahabat Khan’s mosque. While this brutality was shocking to visiting Europeans (in the words of Sir Henry Lawrence: he acts like a savage among savage men, instead of showing them that a Christian can wield the iron sceptre without staining it by needless cruelty), it proved both successful in maintaining order and even popular among the peaceful inhabitants.
His iron fist rule over Peshawar has made a place for him in local folklore. Even today unruly children in the city are brought to control by invoking Abu Tabela’s name. In times of unrest, law-abiding citizens send a small wish for the return of an Abu Tabela to finally re-impose law and order.
The face in the picture actually looks quite a bit like my uncle and my father when they were younger. When my family came over from Naples, where General Avitabile retired and was subsequently murdered, the US customs misspelled our name, dropping off the last “i”. This guy is definitely related to me, and very likely a great-great grandfather or granduncle.
I’ve got quite a legend to live up to, now. Can’t have someone else being the most famous Avitable, now can I?
8. Have you had to take a loan out for school?
I went to a top private liberal arts college and a top private law school. My wife and I have more loans than most of you will earn in 5 years.
9. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace profile?
I disabled my song. Profile songs are evil. If I had one, it would be DiVinyl’s I Touch Myself, or the Scala Girl’s Choir version that I find strangely alluring.
10. Last thing received in the mail?
3 of the 14 magazines I subscribe to, fucking Christmas catalogs (it’s too early!), and a lifesized puppet replica of Kermit the Frog.
11. How many different beverages have you had today?
All I drink is Diet Coke. Sometimes Diet Coke with Lime.
12. Do you ever leave messages on people’s answering machine?
Almost never. I only call people when I have the time to talk to them. I’ll call them again later when I once again have the time to talk. My day is too busy to have them call me back at their fucking convenience.
13. Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity to?
Barenaked Ladies in 1999. Losing my concert virginity was painful – more painful than she said it was going to be. I felt sore and really didn’t enjoy it all. It wasn’t until I took my time and did it at the right place with the right band that it really felt good. The Billy Joel concert where we were in the fifth row and the No Doubt concert where we were in the tenth row – those times were amazing and I fucking orgasmed all over the place.
14. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
Well, here’s the stupid question that is legally mandated in every list. I hate the beach and wouldn’t go. If I did go, I’d spend all my time in the water. If I still happened to be in the sand at all, I wouldn’t draw in it – that would get my hands dirty, you dumb bastard.
15. What’s the most painful dental procedure you’ve had?
I’ve never had a painful one. I had a rough cleaning, but that was about it. I still have my wisdom teeth, and I’ve only had a few cavities. Those were easy. I even did one of those without Novacaine.
16. What is out your back door?
Do you mean my backdoor? Or the back door of my house? Because you don’t want to know what’s “out” my backdoor. We don’t have a back door on our house. We have two walls of sliding glass doors that push all the way back into the wall to open up our huge lanai for parties, and that overlooks our pool and backyard. Here’s a picture for you.
17. Any plans for Friday night?
The weekend doesn’t affect my schedule. I work 7 days a week.
18. Do you like what the ocean does to your hair?
I don’t care about that. I’m more concerned with the effects of cold ocean water on the size and appearance of one’s penis and testicles.
19. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different popcorns?
Yes. I love the cheddar popcorn and the chocolate-covered popcorn. The other stuff usually gets left until it goes stale. Then I like to ejaculate all over it and give it to homeless shelters. We all have our fetishes, people.
20. Have you ever been to a planetarium?
Yes. It’s been several years, so I’d like to go again sometime.
21. Do you re-use towels after you shower?
They’re drying me off after I’m clean. So, all they’re doing is absorbing clean water. If it were up to me, I’d never change my towels. Luckily, I have a magical towel fairy who comes and changes the towels for fresh ones every week.
22. Some things you are excited about?
I’m a geek. Technology and superheroes excite me. They give me a funny feeling in my pants.
23. What is your favorite flavor of JELLO?
Look at this – another guerilla marketing survey. Damnit! Jello is made from horses’ hooves. It’s non-food. It sucks.
24. Describe your keychain(s)?
Oh, it’s a pretty pink fairy, a butterfly pendant, a little shiny heart and . . . fucking questions stupid gay shit fucking keychains jesus christ. It’s a keychain. It’s a metal ring that has keys on it.
25. Where do you keep your change?
I have cups of it all over the place. Once a year I turn it all in and normally have a few hundred dollars worth that I splurge on coke and hookers.
26. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people?
I can’t remember. I enjoy public speaking, but I don’t think the occasion has really come up anytime recently. Now public streaking – that’s another story.
27. What kind of winter coat do you own?
I don’t. I do have a black trenchcoat from my college days, but I would only wear that if . . . well, I can’t think of any reason that I’d ever wear that again.
28. What was the weather like on your graduation day?
It was nice and sunny and my parents sat next to Edward Norton.
29. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed?
Open. It lets the air circulate. If we have guests, my wife always shuts it, but even then I’d prefer it to be open. It’s not like they’re going to come in and jump on the bed, and the guest rooms are on the other wing of the house.