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Slippery when stupid

The shower in our master bathroom is pretty big. It’s a little over six feet long and about three and a half feet wide. This means that it’s perfect for relaxing, lying down, napping, or, in my situation, performing full-body accidental breakdancing.

Before I begin, I need to educate you on the way that I shower. Obviously, you first need to install a LED shower head because how else will you admire your body in there? I usually use the Bath and Body Works Temptations 3-in-1 Body Wash, Bubble Bath, and Shampoo (Gingerbread, Caramel, or Chocolate, usually) for my entire body. I use Aveda facial moisturizer for my delicate beautiful face, and I use Aveda rosemary mint shampoo for all major areas that have hair. However, since I am lazy, I barely wash my legs and never wash my feet. I figure that the body wash suds will reach those areas without a problem thanks to gravity.

Yesterday, however, I decided that since I had been walking around in the yard barefoot, I should probably make the effort to actually wash my feet. I’m really fucking lazy, though, so rather than try to wash my feet properly, I just squirted tons of body wash on the shower floor and stepped in it, then started sliding around, letting it get all sudsy. Then I started sliding from one end of the shower to the other, watching my feet get all sparkly clean without doing a damned thing! It was a genius plan.

Until, of course, my momentum got the better of me. First, I was pushing on the sides of the shower walls to slide myself around. My hands were sudsy and slippery, and one push resulted in my right hand slipping, which made me start to spin. My left foot shot in front of me, hitting the wall with a painful crunch, and my right foot flew off to my right. Having no feet on the actual ground means that I was gravity’s bitch. I fell over, doing a split that someone my size should never do. Simultaneously, I put my hand out to stop my fall. My hand supporting my entire body, being filled with suds, slipped out from under me, which actually caused me to flip completely over, kicking the glass shower door with one foot and flailing around with the other until I was ass-up in the air, laying on my shoulders and still trying to figure out what the holy fuck had just happened.

And then the shower door that I had just dislodged fell on me, luckily staying in one solid piece.

And that’s why I’ll never wash my feet again.

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80 Replies to “Slippery when stupid”

  1. Tracy

    Oh.My.God.

    You are so lucky. That could have been much worse. I’m glad you’re ok.

    Next time, maybe though, put a vid cam in the shower so we can watch and learn how NOT to do what you did. I’m just saying. :boobs2:

  2. Jacki

    Now how am I supposed to explain to my boss why I have gone from sitting in grumpy silence, to laughing out loud, tears rolling down face, and holding my sides in agony.
    They already think I have a split personality.
    This is not going to help!!

  3. Sheila

    :clap: :thumbsup: and :lmao: :loser:

    (I bet in the 2.4 milliseconds it took this to occur, you were already in the process of figuring out the wording for your post, weren’t you? In fact, I think you purposefully fell in the shower because you didn’t really have anything else to post about. Yes, yes, I’m sure this is it.)

  4. Melanie

    I was actually laughing helplessly, unable to stop. I’m really sorry you did your… what was it?… “full-body accidental breakdancing,” but dayum. Bad day for you, good day for us.

  5. DeniseTN

    Crap. I’m glad you’re OK. That would have resulted in some awful injuries.

    Now that I know you’re fine…I’m gonna re-read it and laugh my ass off. :lmao: Can you install a camera in your shower and recreate this incident?

  6. Julianne

    OW! Tub accidents are never fun but almost always amusing 😛 especially when you have your foot on a windowsill trying to shave your legs and lose your balance, sharp razor in hand:dunce:

    Since you mentioned using BBW products, another safety tip. Be VERY careful if you or Amy uses any of their oily salt scrubs (the sea salt & shea butter ones are ok). That oil will coat the shower/tub floor long after your shower is finished, as my boyfriend discovered when he went to shower after I did and nearly did a somersault after stepping unwittingly into the tub.

  7. Avitable

    Tracy, I’m like a cat. I always land on my feet. Or my head.

    Jacki, when the men in white coats come, just go with them peacefully, okay?

    Mist, I think I might have peed a little when that happened.

    Clown, it happened quickly, but that’s how I remember it.

    Sheila, by the time the shower door was hanging again, my post had been written in my head.

    Jules, someday I’ll beat gravity, that whore!

    Franky, I know. It’s the silent killer.

    DaisyJo, trust me – you don’t want to go anywhere near these feet.

    Melanie, my pain and suffering is only worthwhile if someone laughs.

    Denise, only if you videotape yourself in your shower and send it to me first.

    Mr. Fab, you’re masturbating, aren’t you? Bad Fab!

    RW, luckily, it’ll pull through. And you can call me Adam. Jesus Christ is a bit formal.

    Poppy, are you copying me?

    Julianne, yeah, I’ve slipped when I’ve had my foot up high washing it. And yes, I’ve used sugar scrub before that made the entire shower feel like it was made from Vaseline. Impossible to walk without falling over.

  8. Dramedy Girl

    I certainly wouldn’t wash my feet again either! Maybe you should get one of those long handled louffas that you can use with barely having to bend over to get to your feet! That’s what I do (cuz like you I’m lazy) and it works like a charm.

    But on a more serious note, thank God you didn’t hurt yourself. The shower door falling on you could have been very, very bad.

  9. Crys!

    one thing that works like a charm for me is to sit down in the shower and soap up my footsies, rinse them, and then to stand again. it’s a process but you know, it saves the shower door and your ass parts.

  10. ADW

    You really need to have a disclaimer/acceptance page for Avitable virgins when they stumble onto your blog. Something along the lines of:
    “…may be hazardous to your employment. This blog causes uncontrollable laughter and makes the user appear insane to coworkers. Can cause early ejaculation and/or anal leakage…..”

    I ACCEPT

    ADW

  11. Avitable

    Girl, Dislocated, I don’t think I could handle any breaks or dislocations as well as you can.

    Poppy, everytime I thought I saw someone out of the corner of my eye and turned around, there was nobody there. You must have just followed around directly behind me the whole time.

    Jen, danke.

    Dramedy, I’d probably lose an eye with the handle of that thing.

    Crystal, I’m all about saving my ass parts.

    DooDah, I love that stuff!

    Paticus, at the cleaners.

    Britt, my shower is for cleaning, okay? I don’t know what type of dirty things you do in your shower, although I would like to be there for them.

    ADW, wow – taking a bullet for me and accepting anal leakage. I like that.

    Crystal, gives your feet something to stick to?

  12. Dragon

    Lord Almighty, Avi! I hope you didn’t do to much damage to that beatiful body of yours. We need you in one piece. I’ve got to use the term ‘gravity’s bitch’ today!

    BTW, you should try Bath and Body Works Temptations 3-in-1 Frosting. Yummy, trust me.

    Here’s a kiss for your booboos – X :hug:

  13. Amy

    I wish I could say something sweet like, “OMG! are you ok?!?!?!?!”

    Unfortunately, the thought of you flying around your shower and landing ass up is sooooooo fucking funny that the thought of you actually being hurt didn’t cross my mind until… well, when I was typing this comment.

    You know, B&B makes a cool foot scrubby thing that uses suction cups to stick to the floor of your shower – then no slippy ass cracking!

  14. Kentucky Girl

    HeeHaww! Oh wait, I’m not supposed to laugh…or am I? Heh. At least you didn’t fall on the back brush or something and jam that up your ass.

    ZOMG, do you NOT love having a shower that big? When we re-did our bathrooms, we had a BIGASS shower put in the master bathroom with all these spray nozzles and crap. Awesome. But I don’t really use it because I use my own bathroom. 😛 I can’t be sharing.

    Oh yeah, and buy one of these for your shower. It is much easier to clean your nasty feet.
    http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=102229931&pnr=M53

  15. Avitable

    Poppy, but I would think a ninja-like cat would be even better because it’s smaller and therefore stealthier.

    Mistress Yoda, meet me later and I’ll show you blueprints!

    HCG, showeriffic!

    Amy, I might have to get one of those.

    KG, you use your own bathroom and not the big fancy new one? Weirdo.

    Liquid, it was at the cleaner’s!

    Annie, exactly!

    Erica AP, I think so. Soap and water run downhill. Why bother?

  16. NYC Watchdog

    You are nowhere near as lazy as you make it sound. The truly lazy way would have been to take an actual bath with some professional body washers… like the ones in Coming To America.

    See… you really are hard working afterall.

  17. jenny

    :boobs4:(This is for you because I know you like them)Ha! I loved the shower story!
    I’ve been reading your blog for a while, and love it!–you and Miss Britt! I wanna be a part of the group!
    I know what you think of mommy bloggers, but I use swear words dammit, and if you ever want to check me out, go for it.(I’ll still love you even if you hate it! I’m new.) http://anothermommyblogging.blogspot.com

  18. Avitable

    KG, I guess that’s true.

    MD, yup. And my feet are clean!

    Britt, moi? :batting:

    Poppy, it’s against the ninja code to give blowjobs.

    NYCWD, I think I’ll make my newest employee do that. Britt, you listening?

    Tug, neither of you would have survived.

    Bethie, that’s recockulous, okay? Ridiculous is so 1990.

    Jenny, thanks for the visit and comment. If you want to be part of the group, you have to comment more! I’ll check it out, although it doesn’t bode well for a blog called “Another Mommy Blogging.” :lmao:

  19. Jill

    I actually had a comment in my head when I first read this but then I got completely distracted by the ass and boobs in your little smilie section. FANTASTIC.

    And so, if you don’t mind, I will be finishing off my comment with all 3, cuz I’m greedy like that! :assshake: :boobs5: :boobs1:

  20. Heartless Lass

    zomg. I am laughing so hard right now my belly hurts, my face hurts, my eyes are crying and I am actually snorting. I’m fucking snorting!!!!

    I needed that today. Thank you for washing your feet just this once!

    I :heartbeat: you!

  21. Tug

    As big as your shower is, you could buy one of those plastic padded chairs they have for the handicapped, too ya’ know. not that you’re handicapped or anything.

    much.

    :jerkoff2: :lmao:

  22. Avitable

    Tracy, Dancypants is actually my middle name.

    Cheri, my pain is predictable?

    Miss Misery, thanks!

    Tug, you can have it.

    Britt, the only thing you’re professional at as far from being innocent as possible.

    Jill, naked smileys rock.

    TMP, I’m just never going to wash my feet ever again in any way.

    Heartless, I made you snort! Sweet!

    Tug, I’m speshul.

    Poppy, oh, you’re that type of ninja!

  23. Kimmie

    Oh dear sweet jesus!!!!!!! Fuck me, I’m dying laughing. I don’t think I have ever read something that funny, ok well once when I read “Roughing It” by Mark Twain but he’s a literary genius, one SHOULD laugh when a bull tries to climb a tree. Anywho, I’ll go back to laughing helplessly now that I’ve gained enough control to go read this to my hubby without spurting my drink everywhere.

  24. Avitable

    Michael, oh you know you want to see it.

    Steph, yeah I’m fine. I’ve got nineUsedtobeme, I’m used to that.

    Kimmie, glad that my pain amused you!

    Tanya, perfect 10? From the judges?

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