The shower in our master bathroom is pretty big. It’s a little over six feet long and about three and a half feet wide. This means that it’s perfect for relaxing, lying down, napping, or, in my situation, performing full-body accidental breakdancing.
Before I begin, I need to educate you on the way that I shower. Obviously, you first need to install a LED shower head because how else will you admire your body in there? I usually use the Bath and Body Works Temptations 3-in-1 Body Wash, Bubble Bath, and Shampoo (Gingerbread, Caramel, or Chocolate, usually) for my entire body. I use Aveda facial moisturizer for my delicate beautiful face, and I use Aveda rosemary mint shampoo for all major areas that have hair. However, since I am lazy, I barely wash my legs and never wash my feet. I figure that the body wash suds will reach those areas without a problem thanks to gravity.
Yesterday, however, I decided that since I had been walking around in the yard barefoot, I should probably make the effort to actually wash my feet. I’m really fucking lazy, though, so rather than try to wash my feet properly, I just squirted tons of body wash on the shower floor and stepped in it, then started sliding around, letting it get all sudsy. Then I started sliding from one end of the shower to the other, watching my feet get all sparkly clean without doing a damned thing! It was a genius plan.
Until, of course, my momentum got the better of me. First, I was pushing on the sides of the shower walls to slide myself around. My hands were sudsy and slippery, and one push resulted in my right hand slipping, which made me start to spin. My left foot shot in front of me, hitting the wall with a painful crunch, and my right foot flew off to my right. Having no feet on the actual ground means that I was gravity’s bitch. I fell over, doing a split that someone my size should never do. Simultaneously, I put my hand out to stop my fall. My hand supporting my entire body, being filled with suds, slipped out from under me, which actually caused me to flip completely over, kicking the glass shower door with one foot and flailing around with the other until I was ass-up in the air, laying on my shoulders and still trying to figure out what the holy fuck had just happened.
And then the shower door that I had just dislodged fell on me, luckily staying in one solid piece.
And that’s why I’ll never wash my feet again.