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Abigail van Buren was a cocksucker

When I was a kid, I’d read the paper every Sunday, including the comics, Marilyn vos Savant, and Dear Abby. And even at the tender age of 7, I would think to myself that Abigail van Buren was someone I’d never ask for advice. First of all, the name – it sounds like an old biddy who looks condescendingly down at you over glasses that are slipping down her nose. She sounds like she has big hair and smells like Vapo-rub. She’ll shake her head and click her tongue disapprovingly at everything you tell her. Why the fuck would you ask her anything?

If you’re like me, you want someone you can relate to. Someone who won’t judge you, no matter how sick, twisted, or perverted your question is. Well, if you’re like me, you won’t have anything to ask because you’re omniscient, but you know what I mean.

And now is your time to reach deep into your twisted pit of a soul and come up with something on which you need advice. Whether it’s fashion or shopping or market speculation or shoes or your marriage or success or even if you’re just looking for that little piece that is missing from your life, the time is now to ask and be answered.

All you need to do is email “” with the subject line of “WWMBD?” and this goddess of wisdom and wonder will advise the fuck out of you. She’ll choose the worthiest questions and answer them on her blog every Monday morning. She’ll even keep your identity anonymous! Do you think you can handle it?

What Would Miss Britt Do?

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48 Replies to “Abigail van Buren was a cocksucker”

  1. Avitable

    Peggy, she is an expert in many things.

    Amy, it’s a good picture!

    Angel, yeah, me too. She looks very cute. I took that picture in my kitchen. Now go ask her for personal advice!

    Mr. Fabulous, she knows enough to try to move away from there. That’s good enough for me.

    Heather, I’m a good pimp. I treat my hos right.

    Mistress Yoda, that’s better than smelling like gasoline.

  2. Avitable

    Tracy, they’re both morons. The original was, too. Britt’s always ready to spank people.

    Mist, well, they were twin sisters. It was both of them.

    Poppy, because she somehow manages to do it and yet still remain classy. That takes wisdom.

    UnBritt Mother, well, you can judge some. Just not as bad as Dear Abby.

  3. Avitable

    Poppy, good point. Especially now with all your new hair and glasses and car and stuff. You’re stylin’!

    Mr. Fabulous, I also have an excellent point in my pants!

    Mistress Yoda, well, it’s better than being lit on fire.

    Bossy, it’s nice hair, isn’t it? I like to pull on it during . . . never mind.

    Jenny, thanks. She has the soul of Madeleine Kahn, and I think this picture shows it.

    Amy, well she can’t be judgmental on Sundays – that’s her day for abject shame.

    Jordie, Britt has girly things. She’s shown them to me!

  4. Miss Britt

    Oh. Fuck. You.

    I wouldn’t show you my fucking KNEE for a DOLLAR. Let alone the girly things.

    That is worth at the very LEAST new shoes. And matching hand bag. And earrings. With stones. Real. stones.

  5. Tug

    Unless she has cement shoes in my boss’ size, I’m good. dammit. Britt, you’re a shoe person, DO you have cement ones for purchase? Just askin’. Doesn’t hurt to ask.


    :martini: :martini: :martini: :boobs5: :assshake:

  6. Avitable

    Amy, I’d rather lose money than testicles any day.

    TMP, they are, and she’s very honest. She’ll tell it like it is.

    Mistress Yoda, only mildly so.

    RW, yes, just don’t ask for help on how to do that.

    Tug, I’m sure you’d like some advice about how to get that gray out!

    NYCWD, it can only increase her stock value. It’s like Google supporting some porn stock.

  7. Tug

    :pissed: THAT WAS OUR SECRET :crazywife:

    hee hee…I can’t even type that with a straight face. I’VE got TONS of advice, I just don’t NEED any. I’m full of :shit: to share, but I’m not thinking that’s Britt’s whole thing – she doesn’t need my help OR my shit. :boobs2: :boobs4: :woohoo:

  8. Poppy

    Tug, you are so awesome. I would like a hug and a squeeze and a :martini: and a :boobs4: . :heartbeat: In return I give a
    :sexytime: and a happy :sex003: and some other naughty things not represented in smiley form here…

  9. Poppy

    Aww, Tug. I’m sorry that Rory and Lorelai will no longer show up to your doorstep anymore. All the great shows are cancelled before their time…

    And just for you :heartbeat: :martini: :rose: :cocksuck2: :sex023:

    …plus a :hug: and a :tongue1:

  10. Avitable

    Crys, she was not drunk. She had been drinking, but she wouldn’t show me her boobs at that point. I can only assume that means she was still relatively sober.

    Tug, yeah, I know. There was no gray, on your head at least.

    Poppy, I fixed that comment that was caught by the filter.

    Cat, ooh – WWMBD bracelets are a great idea!

    RW, I wasn’t really that impressed. His voice was like a drill in my head.

  11. Tug

    Avi – :lmao: Had honestly not even THOUGHT about gray anywhere else. But since you mentioned it, I thought I should at least do a good search – & NOPE – GRAYFREE! :woohoo:

    Poppy – I’m touched…wiping a tear…sleep tight my princess, sleep tight. :heartbeat: :rose: :hug: :cocksuck2: :assshake:

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