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Don’t fuck with my movie time

Before you get to read your regularly scheduled post, here’s the NYCWD update:

As of right, now, at midnight EST on Tuesday, June 26th, we have raised just over $2800! Everyone is amazing. We’re so close to $3,000, and I’m only keeping this going through Sunday. Tell your friends, tell your church, tell your mom. Spread the word – let’s go for broke on this one!

And now, Wednesday’s post:

So, tonight, we went out to the movies. A typical Tuesday night normally allows us to enjoy the theater without too many crowds, obnoxious people, or other issues that plague the movie theaters on Friday nights and the weekend.

Unfortunately, this wasn’t a typical Tuesday night. A hot summer night, a PG-13 thriller (“1408”), and apparently a pheromone sprayed by the theater chain that attracts retards, meant that we weren’t going to have a nice, quiet experience.

While there were several obnoxious people around us, including the four pre-teen girls sitting directly in front of us who kept opening up their cell phones to text message until I kicked each of them lightly in the back of the head, the undisputed champion was the woman sitting to my wife’s immediate left – Chatty the Dinosaur!

This woman had no filter. Everybody knows the type of person I’m talking about. They have no ability to disconnect their tiny little peanut brain from their mouth. A thought pops into their empty fuckin’ head and is immediately spoken aloud.

So. We’re sitting there, enjoying the previews, when in waddles this prehistoric creature. With a little reptilian head, squinty eyes, a tongue that kept flicking out over her lips, and a wheeze that indicated the lung capacity of an elephant, this monster plodded up the stairs and fell into the seat next to Amy. The entire theater groaned and shifted, and dust from the newly-formed crack in the ceiling slowly floated down.

Shoveling popcorn into her mouth at a rate that was clearly necessary to keep her four stomachs full so that she could regurgitate it in the mouths of her hatchlings later, this monstrosity began to regale us, and everyone within a 15-foot radius, with her own commentary on the movie unfolding before us. Her husband, a man who would look strong and hardy in most circumstances, sat beside her, a beaten, timid soul. In between raucous crunches of popcorn, she began:

“Oh I like that John Cusack he was so good in that movie with that girl who we saw in US magazine that was dating that boy remember honey? Why’s he driving down that street? Oh he stopped because he’s lost and now he’s turning around I can’t imagine having to do a turn like that in the rain boy I think it’s going to rain tonight but we could use it because I think the grass is looking a bit brown and dear, you need to make sure to do more fertilizer tomorrow don’t forget about that oh look he’s going into the hotel I hope it’s not too scary because I’m not going to sleep for weeks like that time I saw Harry Potter do you remember how scared I was and I thought one of those Deserters or Demoners or something was going to show up and kill me!”

And then, during the scene, lightning flashes. It wasn’t scary or sudden – it was raining on screen and expected. Nobody jumped. This moron, however, shrieked like a banshee. And then continued.

“Ooh that’s creepy why is he going in there I wonder I don’t think I’d ever stay in a place like that, but I wouldn’t walk around investigating because I’d go hide in the tub…”

My wife turns to me and hisses, “If she doesn’t get quiet, soon, I am going to elbow her right in that giant maw she calls a mouth, and even if I lose my elbow, but I can dislodge a couple of her teeth and they go down her throat and choke her to death, I’m okay with it.”

So, clearly, being the man, I had to step in and save my wife’s elbow. I waited until the movie was relatively quiet, but Gabbasaurus was still going a mile a minute, and I said, in my clearest, most authoritative tone, “Would you shut the fuck up?” The entire theater gasped and hushed, including her. And we enjoyed the remainder of the movie in relative silence, punctuated with the occasional scream at the non-scary elements, and random gasps at parts that were not supposed to be surprises or twists.

Until the end. The credits start rolling, and she says loudly, “Well, what does that mean, huh?”

And once again I summon my big man voice and say, “It means you’re a fucking retard.”

And the entire theater erupts in laughter. And in the darkness, I smile and the world feels right again.

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91 Replies to “Don’t fuck with my movie time”

  1. heather

    You had to have seen that movie in the same theater I did. We had about ten teenagers a few row behind us talking the entire time, screaming and then during scenes like when his daughter came back, they started laughing. Fucktards!

  2. Avitable

    Amy, awww, thanks. I just had an orgasm, too!

    Devilish, you should. It’s pretty good.

    Bethie, I think she went home to her cave and fed her hatchlings.

    Michael, I’m never afraid to say something to people impeding my enjoyment. Nobody ever challenges me.

    Angel, exactly! She needs the elbow, for elbow grease when she’s cleaning our floor!

    Fogspinner, sure, everyone’s invited to the movies!

    Amanda, it was eerie, and I think most people found it pretty scary.

    Mist, are you perpetuating a racial stereotype now?

    Tracy, that reminds me. Next time, I’ll say “Shut the fuck up or I’ll spoon-fuck you in the eye socket.”

    Usedtobeme, I had to protect my wife from going away for murder.

    Mr. Fabulous, I’m already hiding in your bathroom.

    Dawn, we try to go to the theater every couple of weeks, especially during the summer. Usually it’s a nice experience.

    Heather, yeah, I wouldn’t have allowed that to happen. Like I said, the girls sitting in front of me who kept texting and bathing the entire theater in a blue glow got a swift kick to the backs of their heads.

  3. Shelli

    I have never experienced a Gabbasaurus such as this. Please tell me that you really did say those things to her, because if you did, then I want to take you to the movies with me in case I ever do run across her.

  4. Avitable

    ADW, isn’t it frightening when I’m the diplomatic one between me and my wife?

    RW, can you? You didn’t ask permission last time.

    Phishez, if she had kept it up, I would have personally kicked her out of the theater. I’ve done that before with a woman who brought her baby.

    Shelli, I really said those things. I have no problem confronting people.

    Poppy, only if we can sit in the very, very back.

  5. Cheri

    Man I wish you were at some of the movies I’ve been to – I just don’t get people! I either get the kid who kicks the seat or the person who eats like a cow or the chatty catty dumbass! I hate going to movies now a days – people have NO respect! We go to the drive in now alot. At least I can sit in my partically enclosed vehicle which helps with the unwanted noise!

  6. Paticus

    Do you find instances of that more here in Florida ? I go to the movies far less than I used to, but i have now seen two movies this summer on a Saturday nights, and they both had people on their phones and chatting and one guy even had a crying infant at an 8 p.m. showing of Spiderman 3 ! I remember going to the movies all the time when we lived in L.A., and there was never that much noise or disrespect for the movie or the audience.
    Or am I just old ? I feel like ending this with, “And why won’t those damn kids stay outta my yard ?”

  7. Avitable

    Poppy, yar indeed.

    Hello, I don’t know why people wouldn’t say something. If you paid for a ticket, it’s your right to enjoy the movie without the obnoxiousness of others impeding that.

    Tug, your John, eh? Yeah, he’s pretty awesome.

    Lynda, that’s why we usually go weeknights or Sunday afternoon.

    Cheri, I just don’t let that type of thing happen.

    TMP, well, it’s a damn sexy elbow.

    BPR, I just feel bad for her husband. You know he heard no end of it later.

    Mistress Yoda, only if you let me play the hole in the popcorn bucket trick.

    Paticus, well, in LA, we usually went to either Arclight, which has a strict policy about noise, or we went to the earliest morning show on the weekends. People in the good parts of LA do respect the movie-going experience more, though.

    Dragon, am I the wind beneath your wings?

    Jay, I think that should be the next brilliant theater idea.

    RW, it’s okay, I’ll forgive your memory lapse. Due to your age and all, ya know.

  8. Miss Britt

    I thought you were going to see the Die Hard movie?

    Yes, I’m sure that’s what you told me. You said earlier this week you saw that scary movie with John Cusack and we talked about how “huh, John Cusack doing a scary movie?” and you said that’s why you couldn’t talk to me for those two hours.

    And LAST night you said you couldn’t talk to me for those two hours because you were going to see Die Hard. With your wife.

    Alright fucker, WHO IS HE?!?! :crazywife:

  9. metalmom

    I felt my eggs shift for you in a way no man has ever done for me!I LOVE movies and I usually get stuck in front of a fanboy who needs to explain to his fag friend how the movie differs from the comic. I wish they’d stay in their mom’s basement! :crazywife:

  10. rachel

    Um seriously we must have been in the same theater. We go on Mondays for the same reason and with school out they’re full of morons. I told some girl on Monday “Would you please shut the fuck up?” and she says “no” but she did so I was happy. I also keep the managers number on speed dial because I will NOT get up. I WILL call from the theater and I will get free tickets if I was interrupted too much. I don’t pay $7 (mil. discount) to get interrupted by obnoxious kids, loud popcorn eaters and parents who don’t leave their FUCKING KIDS AT HOME OMFG… sorry you hit a very sore spot.

  11. Webmiztris

    you are my hero, avi…LOL!

    We don’t even GO to the theatres. If we’re going to pay that much to see a movie, I want guaranteed silence and that’s just not possible with the amount of fucknuts who insist on going to movies and talking right through it. Thank god for Blockbuster.

  12. Sarcastica

    The funny thing is I can actually picture you guys at the movies doing all that! :dunce:

    I’m beyond wowed at all the money everyone has raised for Dave! I think this has to be one of the strongest examples of pulling together in a time of need to help someone!

  13. Avitable

    Metalmom, well, if you go to a comic book movie, that’s what you get.

    Dragon, now, by wings, do you mean boobs?

    Rachel, clearly this is an issue for you! This is the first time in a while I’ve had a bad experience at the movies, but it worked out okay.

    Dawn, I just like the big screen and big audio experience. Even my huge TV doesn’t come close.

    Annie, I love the movies too much to stay away.

    Sarcastica, yeah, well, I did do it. I don’t abide by people affecting my enjoyment of something.

    BPR, allow me to see your “ewww” and raise you a “retch”.

    TMP, I’m erect just thinking about it.

  14. Mrs. Brain Bombs

    Umm yeah, wanna come to the movies with me? I offer free popcorn, I’ll even spring for nachos because I EMIT that pheromone. Doesn’t matter where I sit, a talker sits near me. I don’t mind hearing chuckles or the occasional, oh shit or even a quick whisper. It’s all good, i ain’t a prude but I get fuckers that recite the lines! :banghead:

  15. Crys

    um, what the hell? i should be listed as one of the top commenters! i know i broke 100 at some point! what the eff! you’re robbing me! do i have to start over now! this is bullshit! this is fucking bullshit, mang! where is my name! where IS IT!!!

  16. Crys

    because you’re modest. you don’t want anybody to know that, like the Grinch, your heart has the capacity to grow ten sizes at any given moment. like a bacterial infection in a toe. additionally, wtf wrt the top commenter gig. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO WIN NOW?

    it doesn’t seem like this is me-centric anymore.


  17. Avitable

    There’s no Britting in Baseball, you’ll get an awesome prize!

    Crystal, it starts over on July 1. You’ll just have to be more attentive to my blog – you’ve been neglectful recently. I’m an egocentric bastard – I’m not modest!

  18. Crys

    yes, we’ll get together! i’m glad she’ll be there because, as per rumor on the street, she does this thing i also like to do, called “drinking”, at least more than you do. so she’ll balance me out quite nicely, and we can sit across from you and do fun things like say, laugh at you. oh the thrills! i’m counting the days! wear your holey shorts, please! and hot pink underpants! i’m still begging!

    i have to go through your blog, Britt, to see what the deal is with your place, whether it’s sold…

  19. Peggy

    I came back to see if you hit 3k and I’m so excited to see that it was done!

    Was their no more room in the theater the the monster had to sit RIGHT NEXT TO YOU or do you both just look so appealing and friendly she had to take a seat?

  20. Avitable

    Peggy, it was pretty crowded. But I think she thought my wife looked tasty.

    BPR, now I understand what you were saying. I was talking poker terms, you were talking literally. I’m sure your vagina is wonderful.

    GoodBritt Saigon, I have to check out the goods to make sure they’re up to my standards before I buy!

    RW, Britt or NYCWD?

  21. Andrea

    I hate when people talk during the movie. I mean if you’re going to pay like $20 or so, you should be able to enjoy the movie and not be pissed off at all the talkers during the whole thing.

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