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The atheist’s nightmare

Before you get to read your regularly scheduled post, here’s the NYCWD update:

As of right now, at midnight EST on Saturday, June 30th, we have just raised $3300! I’m really amazed and proud of the support and generosity of every single blogger who posted a comment on NYCWD’s blog, made their own post about his tragic loss, or bought a graphic or two or ten! It’s almost enough to turn this cynic’s black, twisted heart into a real one.

So, today is it. This is your last chance to buy a graphic, and your last chance to pitch in and make a difference for NYCWD. Let’s see if we can hit $3500!

And now, Sunday’s post:

Firstly, I’ve decided that I’m not going to continue doing the Weeks in Review. They were fun to do, but very time consuming, and I think I’d rather focus my energy on a normal post on Sundays. I might come up with another shtick for Sundays, but I guess we’ll see.

Today, I want to talk about Jesus.

Well, kind of. I wanted to bring two recockulous videos to your attention. I saw them a while ago, but a recent conversation with a blogger who is under attack by a fundamentalist Christian discussion board made me decide to post this.

Both of these videos are titled: “The Atheist’s Nightmare.” The first one has Kirk Cameron learning about how the banana is the atheist’s nightmare because of the peel, the size, the consistency, and other factors. This video ignores, of course, the fact that this moron is using a domesticated banana that has been crossbred to be like it is, not a wild banana, which looks almost nothing like the domestic one. Which pretty much fucks his entire theory right in the ass, don’t you think?

This next video discusses how peanut butter disproves the theory of evolution. I can’t even waste the brainpower to explain how retarded this theory is. They completely misunderstand the basics of evolution. It’s infuriating that a generation of people could grow up watching this tripe and thinking that it could possibly be true!

It’s shit like this that gives normal, intelligent, logical Christians a bad name. This makes everyone think that if you’re Christian, you’re clearly an idiot lacking the intelligence of the chimpanzee from which you evolved. That you’re a sheep who just follows, without thinking or investigating anything for yourself. The rest of the Christians, who make up at least 90% of the Christians out there, should hunt down these idiots and cockpunch them. Repeatedly.

Happy Sunday!

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68 Replies to “The atheist’s nightmare”

  1. Bethie

    Yeah, I watched about 10 minutes of the Atheist vs. Kirk Cameron videos before turning it off :p. His videos make me cringe with sadness. I had no idea that someone could make being a Christian seem so boring.

  2. Schadenfreude

    What really freaks me out is the anti-evolutionist fixation on food using it to both prove creationism and debunk evolution. Imagine if this kind of argumentative tactic spilled over into our legal system:

    “Clearly, as seen from the video footage and the eyewitness testimony, the defendant is guilty of murder.”

    “Thank you, Mr. Prosecutor. Defense?”

    “Your honor, one word: broccoli.”

    “Damn — case dismissed.”

  3. DeniseTN

    I fill more dumber for having watch them videos. Gawd.

    I think those freaks wanted an excuse to play with a phallic symbol. At one point, that guy looked as if he was ready to pull a Mr. Fab on that banana.

    The peanut butter thingy…well, that’s just odd. I see that they used chunky. I think that they’d be much more pleased with the outcome if they used creamy. It doesn’t feel as weird when the dog licks it off.

  4. Avitable

    Dave, I still plan on posting artwork once a week, but on an ad hoc basis.

    BPR, what do you mean, you don’t “do god stuff”?

    Phishez, yeah, I know what you mean. It actually saps your intelligence to watch it!

    Wayne, it seems to work for everyone else. But yes, blind allegiance is okay with me.

    Bethie, not only boring, but so ignorant, too!

    Schad, well, that’s a poor analogy. Clearly, the prosecutor would only have to use cheese, which trumps broccoli.

    Denise, well, I didn’t show the rest of the video where the banana guy stripped down and had sex with four men.

  5. hot coffee girl

    Are the people that are getting cockpunched required to turn the other ball? Just askin’. :sex011: (Sorry…I could comment on the banana thing without putting in this smiley. I am weak. Forgive me, oh Holy One.

  6. Poppy

    You can tell Kirk Cameron is smiling because he remembers all those times he got the girls to bite his banana.

    That’s funny, all my jars of peanut butter have meat inside…

    I feel like my brain just rotted.

  7. Avitable

    HCG, nice one.

    Poppy, all of my jars of peanut butter actually have small civilizations in them. I smite them regularly.

    Britt Robertson and the 700 Club, you evolved from a cute, yappy little chihuahua.

  8. Angel

    I come here for infinite wisdom from the Holy Church of Avitablism, and this is what I get???? I should have life forms in my peanut butter??? Bananas are mad to fit perfectly in the human hand?? WTF?

  9. MsFreud

    Holy Fucking Shit! I feel stupider having watched that…. Especially the banana thing. :sex011:
    Christ on Crutches, how retarded can these zealots GET?! It’s assholes like this that keep us going to war- they are the Christian Equivalent of pricks who crash planes into buildings…. And just as dangerous.

    I have to disagree Avi- no cock punchers- we need to get double ot buckshot and blow their balls OFF to stop them from procreating.

  10. RW

    This is what happens when you require that the Bible be literal truth – it becomes impossible to reconcile the metaphor with reality and all kinds of odd ideas have to be used to fill in the blank spaces.

    I have always found it strange that the Mennonites, Brethren, and Quakers are labeled “peace churches” because of our historic pacifism and anti-war beliefs. If you are doing Christianity at all, shouldn’t every church be a “peace” church? Anyway it’s always been one of those things I couldn’t ever quite stop chuckling about.

    Churches that pound the bloody pulpit in favor of war have always given me the heebee-jeebees. I can’t believe they’re coming from the same Book.

    Likewise evolution. I see no incompatibilities between the evolutionary process and Genesis. None. It’s the same story, to me. But you teach the science in school and leave the poetry to the person. That’s not only how the country is set up, that also happens to be the best way to do it. Science is public, and faith is private.

    And here’s the rub – Christians that need to have proof, and go out on hunts for physical and tangible evidence for the existence of God, have forgotten both the definition of Faith, as well as what it is for.

  11. Miss Britt



    :heartbeat: :heartbeat: :heartbeat:

    :rose: :rose: :rose: :rose:

    :clap: :thumbsup: :clap: :thumbsup:

    Ya know, if you have a button for the Church of Holy RWness, I would totally put that in my sidebar. Just sayin’.

  12. Clown

    I imagine I’m in the minority here but I’m glad the weekly review is gone. I would look at the drawing and skip the rest of the post.

    Really, if god made the banana for humans like this pornstar is saying, shouldn’t that be the only thing humans eat? All other fruits (and even meats if they aren’t vegetarians) should be in banana form. If you eat anything else, you are going against god’s will.

    Burn, sinners!

  13. Avitable

    Angel, I’m here to debunk the “wisdom” of others, too. It’s my role in life and exactly why my penis is shaped like a banana.

    Sisters of InfinBritt Mercy, those aren’t bananas that you’re putting in your mouth time and time again.

    Mr. Fabulous, yeah, but you like to be the cockpunchee.

    MsFreud, well, no procreation would be good, too. Luckily, the main guy here is clearly gay, so we don’t have to worry about that.

    RW, very well put.

    Clown, or maybe God is a monkey who designed bananas for them!

    Poppy, she weighs 950 pounds. It’s all a ruse, I tell ya.

    Dawn, that’s Kirk fucking Cameron, from Growing Pains! He actually is a big participant in the series of videos!

  14. Bonnie

    1. If the tip of something being angled toward your mouth is proof that you should actually stick it in your mouth, then all men should be able to suck their own cocks. I guess the few who can accomplish this feat are descendants of Jesus?

    2. I love how incandescent light bulbs are thought to be what scientists are talking about when speaking of energy on the topic of new life being created. :loser: Just because you dumbasses can’t understand the difference between a filament and lightning…

    3. Kirk Cameron was probably thinking about how much he would love for the show’s host to stick that “tab” up his ass. :sex011:

  15. Miss Britt

    @RW: you can’t feel guilty – you’re not Catholic anymore, remember?

    @Poppy: yes, I am a hefty 95 lbs – but I believe in my heart that God wants me to weigh 82. It came to me in a vision

    @Avitable: I do so weigh 95 lbs! And I have big voluptuous boobies and perfectly toned legs AND ankles! Don’t hate the playa.

  16. Avitable

    Bonnie, it does show strong support for biblical support of oral sex.

    AutoBritt, well, you are a goddess of light and awesomeness.

    Annie, I’d love to see someone do a parody showing a gay man talking about how well the penis fit into his hand.

    Poppy, do you have one for gorillas?

  17. Poppy

    I am not the keeper of the charts, but I read somewhere that it is okay for gorillas to weigh between 10 pounds and 10,000 pounds.

    Is that helpful?

    By the way, you are not a gorilla, sweetie. You’re a sexy beast. Now go take a nap!

  18. Clown

    Britt, I’m going to hold you to that. If I’m ever at Uh Vit Uh Bull’s house when you are and you’re eating anything other than god’s perfect food, I’m telling.

    I’m not sure who I’ll be telling, but I’ll be telling.

  19. Miss Britt

    @Poppy – I have a chart! I’m using the one mailed to me by the Association For How God Really Wants Women To Be. Don’t you use that??

    @Clown – I have been informed that you and are will never be allowed in the same room. Apparently Someone is afraid you will not be able to resist my sexual magnetism. And Someone gets jealous.

  20. ADW

    Ya know, I really liked your post – seriously. As a small child, I was infinitely curious and could never reconcile the two sides of me: my faith and what I was learning in the church and the realistic scientific side that knew that dinosaurs were billions of years old. It wasn’t until I watched “Inherit the Wind” in school that the light bulb turned on and I realized that things in faith and reality were not black and white.

    Now I am able to be confortable with my beliefs and I don’t feel that pull between two sides. We just have to eliminate the other fucktards out there that make us look like backwoods imbiciles and we’re all set for total world domination! :sex014:

  21. Poppy

    Britt, I’ve been prayed for before; it doesn’t work. I appreciate your caring, though. And I :heartbeat: you in return. Maybe in my next life. I certainly have an abundance of compassion, so I’m on some sort of right track!

    Georgie says “mkijjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjgvbhjmmmmmmm” to her Uncle Avi.

  22. Miss Britt

    Yeah, Avi told me about your “special relationship” with her. He made me promise not to interfere.

    He also asked me to bring only turtlenecks when I come over next week. What’s up with that?

  23. bdogg_mcgee

    Holy shit, I just had to de-lurk for this one. Can I come play with you guys?

    The Kirk Cameron video was priceless! If I didn’t know that he was a Bible-thumper now, I would totally have thought it was a joke.
    If I had to talk about a banana’s contents squirting in my face and how it is the right shape for the human mouth, I think I’d fall right out of my chair. I wonder how many takes it took for him to get that out with a straight face.

    I bet Kirk wanted to squirt his banana’s contents all over that other guy’s face.

  24. Poppy

    Britt – Did I say I weight more than 100 lbs? I measure my weight in stones, so I’m very light.

    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! – You finally came to the party!!!!!! :hug:

  25. Avitable

    Poppy, that’s very helpful. And I will light a candle in the Church of Holy Avitableness for you!

    Clown, Jigsaw said you’re not allowed over when Britt’s here.

    The Brittist formerly known as Prince, stop pretending. We all know I’m saving a seat in hell for you.

    ADW, who’s this “we” you speak of? I think you and Kirk Cameron have a cabal set up on the side.

    RW, unless you’re Catholic or Jewish, you’re not allowed to feel the guilt.

    BDogg, glad to see that you popped up to say hi. It’s horrifying how serious Kirk Cameron is about the whole thing!

    HG5, there may be some nuts out there, but they weren’t given life in a peanut butter container . . . or were they?

  26. Amy

    OMG. Do NOT get me going on Kirk Cameron. He’s a fucking moron. I don’t know how it happened but the TV got switched to TBN and he was on there. He said, “As Christians WE have something that is MORE important than the cure for cancer, we have SALVATION! And, it is our DUTY to save EVERYONE around us and bring them to Christ!”

    Thus proceeded the lesson on MLM marketing persuading everyone you love and meet to come to Christ. Complete with the perfect argument and response to any objection.

    I wanted to puke. I’m not sure where these people get off deciding they know what is best for everyone and that it is their job to bring people to the “right” belief as if all other beliefs are evil.


  27. ADW

    Avi – uh, no, Kirk Blech! The we I speak of is the formal royal “we” as in me, myself and I. I would now like to be addressed as Empress of the Universe and Beyond. :angel:

  28. bluepaintred

    I do my best to avoid all things pertaining to religion.

    I don’t like, nor do I understand religion and I would rather close my mind to it all then try to decipher it’s lies.

    I even had to think twice about commenting on this post, but decided letting you know about my sandwich preference was more important.

  29. Poppy

    …the only church where I pretend to be affiliated, even though I still haven’t found the right burrito. Some day one will fall into my lap and I won’t have an excuse anymore.

  30. Greg

    A good cockpunch never hurt anybody. Funny story– that’s how I met my wife.

    (Pssst… six new reviews today. Hopefully they’ll be regular from here on out. Thanks for asking.)

  31. ginamonster

    I dare say, that banana video kind of turned me on. except in my head, he wasn’t talking about bananas. Then I remembered that I’m allergic to bananas and I was over it.
    I lost IQ points watching the peanut butter thing. I might have to send it to my sister just to wind her up.

  32. Avitable

    Amanda, yeah, me too.

    Gina, it’s fun to get people on rants by having them watch these videos. And yes, the penis is also a perfect fit for your hand and mouth!

    Mistress Yoda, I guess we’ll see what you say about that in 11 months!

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