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Gonna dip my balls in it

On Tuesday, I had my eyebrows waxed. I remarked that the skin around the eyes is very sensitive, and has to be almost as sensitive as the crotch area. My conclusion was that women who complain about the pain of waxing are a bunch of pussies. Several of you pussies then commented that I should get my balls waxed first, and then see if I still think it’s relatively painless.

I may still do that, but this reminded me of the time, back in high school, when I tried to trim my balls with an electric trimmer.

It was the year 1991. I was 14, and I had a goatee and could buy alcohol without a fake id. To keep me from looking too bear-like, my parents bought me a beard trimmer for Christmas and encouraged me to use it frequently to keep my beard nice and neat. A trimmer that I used for all of about a month and then stuck it under my bathroom cabinet and forgot about it.

Until that fateful day 9 months later, when, after perusing the latest Hustler’s Barely Legal, I realized that none of the men had hair on their balls, and no man bush, either! It totally made their penises look huge! Now, even though I can wrap my penis around my leg three times, I was always up for things to try to enhance the visual effect.

Let me pause for a second and explain that I used to be very prone to leaping before looking. I rarely came up with a plan and simply acted without thinking, time and time again. This might explain why, in my old, old age, I’m a bit more cautious and much less spontaneous.

I ran into the bathroom. Didn’t have to strip down, since I was already bare ass naked. Reached under the cabinet and grabbed the trimmers. The trimmers that had been sitting for 9 months without being cleaned or maintained, resting in a small puddle of dampness from the last time I used them.

I plugged it in and faced the mirror. Raising my testicles with one hand, trying to stretch them into a flat surface, I pushed the trimmers up against them and flipped the switch.

The resulting electric shock shot me about a foot backwards into the wall. My head missed the corner of the medicine cabinet by about a quarter inch, and the reverberations of my body hitting the bathroom wall made the towel rack fall to the ground, along with all of its contents.

Extremely dazed, I slowly stood up. The circuit breaker in the bathroom had popped, so I reached over, unplugged the trimmer, and hit the Reset button. I bent over to pick up the trimmer and the basket of accessories from the floor when I felt a little flash of pain coming from the bottom of my balls. Fearing that I had flash fried my boys, I maneuvered rather impressively to a spot where I could see that part in the mirror. Instead of a burn, though, I just saw a bloody scrape where I had jammed the trimmer when the shock hit me.

I gingerly washed my balls and even sprayed some Bactine on them, which is something that I recommend you never, never, never, NEVER do. Once the tears had gone away and I could see again, I started to put the trimmer away under the cabinet. That’s when I made the oh-so wonderful discovery of how rusty the blade was. It was a nice orange color that basically screamed to me (in my 14-year old mind), tetanus! With visions of lockjaw and other horrors that I didn’t truly understand dancing through my head, I tried to think of a solution.

Couldn’t go get a tetanus shot by myself. Couldn’t tell my mom that I scraped my balls with a rusty beard trimmer. Couldn’t risk getting lockjaw and diseases and who knows what else from tetanus.

So, I gritted my teeth, went out onto my balcony, found a nail that was poking out, and sliced my arm open about two inches, then went downstairs to tell my mother so that she could schedule a tetanus shot for me. And if finding out that my last tetanus shot was good for another three years wasn’t enough karmic payback, having my father, going upstairs to my room to see what had fallen, find the Hustlers that I left carelessly strewn on the bed, followed by mother asking me why my crotch was bleeding when she noticed the red patch on my white underwear, made it a perfect day of horror, pain, fear, punishment, and embarrassment.

And don’t forget! You can buy original Avitable art and send embarrassing postcards to your friends all at the same time! Go buy a set of postcards at PostcardHell today!

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83 Replies to “Gonna dip my balls in it”

  1. Clown

    The best part to me is where your mom noticed the blood on your underwear. Which means you walked around the house in front of your parents in your underwear.

    Well, at least the rest of your family did too.

  2. jason

    A friend of mine tried to use a norelco razor on his…the kind with the 3 rotating heads….I’m not really sure how he got the skin unstuck from it, and I don’t want to know. The kicker? He was in his 20s.

  3. Avitable

    Angel, no scarring at all. It was just a really painful surface abrasion.

    Amanda234, my balls are back to normal. If you’re my friend on Facebook, you can see them in my gallery.

    Teebopop, thank you for sharing your incontinence problems with the world!

    Dave, someday I hope to equal your friend Bad Robert with horrifying stories that you don’t want or need to hear.

    BPR, smartass. This was a much larger puddle of water that had just been reduced to dampness. And with the Florida humidity, in a cool, dark medicine cabinet, that might stay that way for a long time.

    The Scoot, you should come clean and explain that you could have tried to shave the horse’s balls instead.

    Clown, yeah, I walked around in a t-shirt and underwear all the time.

    Mr. Fabulous, that’s one fucked up jigsaw!

    DB, ooh, you’re calling them out? So you don’t find waxing your bikini area painful?

    Jason, if I had one of those, I’m sure I would have tried it to – in theory, it seems like a sound idea.

  4. Paticus

    Great story.
    Regarding the title of the post, are you a fan of The State ? Apparently, it is FINALLY coming out on DVD !! I don’t think they have announced a date yet, but there’s a 5 disc set of the complete series on the horizon.

  5. Avitable

    Da Duck, such is my life.

    Angel, yup. You even commented on them, I think. How could you forget those hairy globes of gooey goodness?

    Paticus, hell yeah I’m a fan! It’s coming out in October, I think. I cannot wait. Have you seen the promos for the movie The Ten? It’s going to have all 11 cast members in it.

  6. DutchBitch

    Sure it hurts, but not enough to whine about. Besides: they choose to do it themselves, don’t they? Whinos… Pfffttt!!! Wait till I hit their butts with my stiletto heels… Then they will know what pain is!!!

  7. Poppy

    I think your balls are pretty without you waxing them. Why do that to yourself?

    And, this story makes me chuckle every time. I will tell my grandchildren about it. “Uncle Avi is smaht, kids!”

  8. Miss Britt

    He He He – the rest of this post is so funny it actually made me forget about the “man bush” reference. And how much no one should have a “man bush” and how maybe you really should dip your balls in it next time.

    Having completely forgotten about your amazon man bush, I was able to just laugh and laugh at your pain.

  9. Dragon

    It’s a wonder you survived your adolescence. You must have been spared so that you could impart your earned wisdom on the next generation of stupid boys…..and to make the rest of laugh out loud. :lmao:

  10. Avitable

    DB, down, girl!

    Poppy, why not? It could be fun.

    Britty Sanchez, man bush is manly.

    Mistress Yoda, I’ll concede and let you win, if you want.

    Metalmom, hell no!

    Hello, ask my balls. They’ll tell you the horror stories.

    Dawn, that was exactly where the title is from. You know they’re coming out on DVD in October, right?

    Sarcastica, you’re such a ballbuster!

    Mist, better than tingly flavored lube.

    Dragon, I was very, very lucky.

  11. Avitable

    DB, might as well keep them on!

    Poppy, my mind is permanently in the gutter – no getting out.

    Tracy, fucker.

    ADW, it was just a tad. And once it crusts over, it comes out in the shower with no problem.

    Crystal, I swear on the severed head of Saint Francis.

    Erica, how did you get tetanus? Did your silver bullet get a bit rusty?

    The Queen, I’m definitely not going to let someone do that to my balls.

    Trish, or at least a book.

    BPR, now I know who the smart one is in the family!

    Amy, that wasn’t girly – it was funny!

  12. Mike

    I noticed you don’t ever mention puting underwear on and they just magically appear at the end of the story.

    I say you went on the balcony naked, then downstairs naked…


  13. Amy

    Thank you, Poppy.

    And, my comment disappeared? I can still see it… Avi!?!?!?!? Did you screw with my comment? Worse yet, did you SCREW my comment and send it off crying in a corner somewhere? :sex007:

  14. Amy

    You know, Avitable darling you have apparently spoiled all of us. You can’t go about writing great stuff 99.9% of the time and then leave us with something as sucktacular as yesterday. Your readers have standards we expect ball shaving caliber posts on a daily basis.

    And… WTF is up with the lack of artwork lately? And, no, I don’t consider that unicorn stuff from yesterday to be art work.

    *sigh* it is SO hard being a disappointed fan.

  15. Amy

    Oh! Poppy!!!! I’ve figured it out. All of his artistic talent is being used up at Postcard Hell and NOW he has this whole Arteeeest-Complex going and NOW he wont’ give up the art for FREE.

    What a FUCKER!!!!

  16. Poppy

    OMG, you’re so right! He’s just making new postcards! That fucker!

    (You know I love you, right, Avi? :heartbeat: )

    We should kick his ass.

    That particular boobs image makes me feel sick. Ew. Ick. Barf.

  17. Amy

    Now, Poppy, you have to stand FIRM (shut up Avi) you can’t scold him and still tell him you love him or he will NEVER learn his lesson.

    Naughty… Naughty Avi!!!! :sex007:

  18. Amy

    Where is Brittini, by the way???? BRIIITTTT – aren’t you going to come out and PLAY?

    Hmmmm… there is only one way to get Britt to show up…

    SHOE SALE!!!!!




    OMG – is Britt dead?

  19. Poppy

    Avi is always turned on, there’s no needing to do that. He’s a horndog.

    Yah, where is Britt? Avi, I’m sure you know. And, wait, where are you?! zomg they’ve run off together!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  20. hellohahanarf

    wow, that shoe sale, vodka and free drinks comment perked me up! imagine the let down when it turned out to only be a rouse to bring britt out to play.

    back to work for another hour.


  21. Avitable

    Wayne, tetanus and tightanus. They’re not mutually exclusive.

    Erica AP, you did? I didn’t know that you had to get a tetanus shot after that.

    Mike, well, I didn’t tell every detail.

    Poppy, when did Amy’s comment disappear? Tard. Okay, not really. But still, huh?

    Amy, don’t you have millions of hours of work to do? And there will be artwork coming soon.

  22. Erica AP

    Oh yes… You must get a tetanus shot if a dog bites you and it brakes skin. Fun shit. I wasn’t going too but my Mom was freaking out so I did it for her… I’m such a good daughter.

  23. Amy

    Why does Mike have to be such a common name!?!?!?!?!?

    And, ummm, you should definitely shave I am totally into bald guys with minimal facial hair and I am currently accepting applications.

    Until my husband comes home.

  24. Sybil Law

    You are seriously hilarious!
    Oh, and I will get your postcard up soon – once I figure out what’s wrong with my scanner! (Plus, people are mad I haven’t posted it yet!)

  25. Tug

    I’m late to the party again :martini: , so I’m not reading all the comments. I just want to say that when you DO get waxed down there…I want a video. Of your face… ’cause seriously? I can take some bigass pain, but will NOT get waxed there again. If I don’t have to, & there’s another option, it’s not happening. :assshake:

  26. Avitable

    Erica, wow, getting a tetanus shot because your mom was worried? That is nice!

    Mike, her husband’s name is Mike, too, but trust me, it wouldn’t be a bad thing!

    Amy, he actually did just shave his head, too!

    Sybil, cool!

    Michael, no shocks or cuts, though?

    Ethan, that’s not how you make toasted nuts.

    Tug, yeah, whatever. Y’all are a bunch of pussies!

    Mistress Yoda, I know. I’m a philanthropist. Or is that philatelist?

    DCA, yeah, but I didn’t want anything sharp near there!

  27. Jimmy

    Dropped in from Mist1 :woohoo:
    Really liked this post the best.
    Laughed my ass off cause I still trim my nut hairs. You should try Nair.
    Yes, I Nair my nutz also!
    I think my nut hair would put ZZ Top Band members to shame if I let it grow, and it gets awful hot down there with a friggin fur coat around my nut sack. I could look at that ass shake smilie for hours:assshake:

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