I’m sitting here at 11:00 on Sunday night, trying to write a post. Every time I type a key, I wince – every movement sends pain throughout my body. My body is black and blue, and it hurts to breathe.
Did I get into a car accident? Nope.
Did I get thrown from a bull? Nope.
Did I jump from a plane and land without the parachute opening? Nope.
I watched Britt’s kids.
Being the amazingly wonderful and nice person that I am, I agreed to watch the kids over at our house while Britt and my wife went shopping. Last time I watched them, they were great and I could almost see how cool it would be to have children.
This time was different.
Oh so different.
Devin and Emma, or, using the codenames I assigned to them, Ignoratron and Lil’ Ninja Punchalot, respectively, decided that this Sunday was going to be a day of boundaries. Pushing them. Testing them. Outright destroying them.
While I’d love to recap the minute-by-minute detail of the five longest hours in my life, every time I try, I just break down and sob inconsolably. Instead, here are some of the highlights, if they can be called that:
1:00 – Britt drops the kids off and runs out the door laughing maniacally.
1:02 – They’re bored.
1:15 – Ignoratron decides that he’d rather hammer nails into the table than the wood I provided.
1:18 – Lil’ Ninja Punchalot decides to take her shoes off and see if she can hit me in the forehead with them. She can.
1:30 – Ignoratron has concluded that “Stop doing that” means “Please do that with more enthusiasm”.
1:48 – Lil’ Ninja Punchalot likes to sit on the ottoman and slam her head backwards into the person sitting in the chair behind her. My crotch may never recover.
2:00 – I fall asleep in the chair while the kids are actually quietly watching TV.
2:30 – I wake up wrapped in duct tape, with a nail sticking out of my knee, unicorn temporary tattoos covering the right side of my face, and Lil’ Ninja Punchalot using me as her own personal Trampolinea (that’s kid talk for trampoline these days). Ignoratron is nowhere to be seen.
3:15 – Ignoratron pulls into the driveway. Apparently, he decided to borrow the car and go to the liquor store. Now his breath smells like tequila.
3:44 – I finally extricate myself from the duct tape. Lil’ Ninja Punchalot karate chops my nuts and Ignoratron does a flying kick to my head.
3:52 – I catch both of them at last. Ignoratron goes into the hamper and Lil’ Ninja Punchalot gets put into a pillowcase. I tape the openings up and throw both of them into the laundry room.
3:53 – Shit. They’ve escaped. Someone gnawed a hole in the wall.
4:12 – Lil’ Ninja Punchalot ambushes me from her perch on top of the refrigerator while Ignoratron uses a taser on me.
5:00 – I wake up as they are dragging me to the pool with a giant stone tied to my waist. I manage to stay my execution by promising them both large sums of money.
5:15 – I convince them that Monopoly money is actually Euros and worth more than the dollar.
5:48 – Lil’ Ninja Punchalot whips out her butterfly knife and cuts my toe off. Ignoratron helpfully puts it back on my foot with a hammer, nail, and duct tape.
6:00 – Britt tries to drop Amy off and leave without the kids, but I throw myself onto the hood of her car and hang on until she agrees to take them back.
6:01 – I call and schedule my vasectomy.
Humor-Blogs.com hates kids, too.