Clearly, You're Retarded was the radio show with Adam Avitable and Britt Reints

Conversations between two girls

These are the conversations as I imagined them at the time:

A conversation between two girls in my fifth grade class.

Girl 1: I don’t know what it is, but whenever that Adam Avitable pulls my hair or pinches me, I feel all warm.

Girl 2: I can tell! Even though you scowl and tell him that you hate him, it doesn’t feel like you’re telling the whole truth.

Girl 1: It’s like I hate him and can’t get enough of him at the same time. Even though I ran over and told Mrs. Mudrey that he’s hitting me, I hope he never stops.

Girl 2: Ooh, your wish is about to come true – here he comes again!

A conversation between two girls during my junior year of high school.

Girl 1: Did you see how that Adam Avitable pulled up to his parking space going top speed?

Girl 2: I sure did! And did you notice that his tires squealed and he was blaring hardcore rap out of his windows at the same time?

Girl 1: Oh yes. And when he got out of his car with his Ray Bans . . .

Girl 2: . . . and his sleeves rolled up . . .

Girl 1: He must be one of the coolest, hottest guys around.

Girl 2: I wholeheartedly concur.

A conversation between two senior girls during my freshman year of college.

Girl 1: Hey, do you see that guy who was already in the classroom when we walked in, reading a book?

Girl 2: The one in the trenchcoat? That’s Adam Avitable, and he’s famous because he was in MAD Magazine.

Girl 1: Oh, that’s Adam? Ohmygod, he’s even cuter in person!

Girl 2: I know! I would totally go over and ask him if he wants to have sex with me, but I’m just too shy.

Girl 1: Me too! Ooh, he’s looking over here! I’m so shy that I’ll just give him a look of disgust and hope that he reads between the lines.

Girl 2: I’ll just pretend to ignore anything he says or does like he really doesn’t even show up on my radar in any way and hope he sees the truth.

(This post was inspired by the absolutely hilarious book “Free-Range Chickens”, by Simon Rich, one of the writers for SNL. Chock full of hilarious imagined conversations, bon mots, and absurdist takes on common concepts, it’s a quick read that actually made me laugh out loud.)

For Episode Nine of “Clearly, You’re Retarded”, Britt and I will be goin’ gangsta at 9 PM EST on Talkshoe. The topic tonight is cloning – Where are the boundaries? When is it creepy? Join in on the fun by listening live! You can listen live online at, or download the Talkshoe application and you can chat and even call in!

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52 Replies to “Conversations between two girls”

  1. Miss Britt


    And this is why I haven’t been able to convince you that you were a fucking TOOL when you were younger.

    In fact, I imagine you would still be a tool if not for the grace of God that allowed the coolness that is ME to enter your life.

    You are infinitely cooler just from knowing me.

    Thank God.

  2. Avitable

    Britt, maybe someday you will realize how completely uncool you really are, even though you deny it and ignore the fact that you’ve become an uptight old lady.

    Whit, I don’t want to be the cup!

    Sybil, when you make up conversations, are you as delusional as I was when I did it?

    BPR, yeah, and?

    Dave, can anyone really consent to an Avitable? Legally? I don’t know.

    Amanda, I know – it’s like I’m reading their minds!

    Stephanie, no way – she’s an unhip, uncool, mom of two who falls asleep at 9.

    Andria, most people do!

    BE Earl, I wish – have you ever seen this?

    Bucky, it’s the one with Alfred as Michael Jackson singing “Bad”.

    Faiqa, no, this was a conversation between two cool, hot chicks.

    Britt, fuck you.

    Metalmom, you’re just now figuring this out? Who’s the :loser:?

  3. Faiqa

    Oh HELLLL NO, motherfucker. I know you did *not* just question my coolness or hotness in high school. I was so much cooler, so much hotter than you could ever, ever hope to be.

    Look at that, I’m fasting and you made me curse. You’re going to Islamic hell. Which is the worst one.

    Need I remind you that I was, in fact, third runner up in the Miss Spruce Creek pageant. So there. Just because I wasn’t a swim team lesbian…

    I am so excited that I might get to meet Miss Britt. At least you’re slightly useful.

  4. Avitable

    Britt, nobody’s cooler than me!

    TMP, well, maybe when I was home. Alone. In bed.

    Faiqa, I was the first runner-up in Mr. Spruce Creek, so there! And Britt will join us for lunch, too.

    Grant, yeah, that too.

    Finn, yeah, I had a trenchcoat in college – haven’t you seen my psycho picture?

    Crystal, don’t I know it!

  5. Avitable

    Heather, I totally was Silent Bob.

    Dragon, well, in my head, these girls were hot and really smart.

    Shelli, yeah, I know!

    Maria, it’s a very funny book – you should definitely check it out.

    Delmer, I probably said “concur” when I was that age, though.

    John, you’re right – stud lessons can’t be taught – they can only be inherited.

    Hello, maybe it’s that I’m actually psychic!

    Robin, the flashers?

  6. Gwen

    If you had been in my grade school, high school, or college, I wouldn’t have wasted my time talking to my friend about you, I’d have walked right up and introduced myself.

    The book is on my reading list. Thanks for the tip.

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