Yesterday morning, as my wife was getting ready to leave for work, she realized that she couldn’t find her wallet. Of course, this meant wasting a half hour frantically tearing the house apart, searching in both logical and illogical places where her wallet might be.
I think it’s funny how we justify why we’re looking where we’re looking. It starts out rationally:
The laundry basket: Well, maybe she went into the bedroom to change into something other than work clothes and just put everything in the hamper and her wallet was in her hand and she put it in there, too.
The floor of the car: We went out to Subway and since I was in my underwear, she ran inside with her wallet in her hand. When she came back out, she had food in her hand, so maybe she put her wallet down on the floor to hold our drinks.
The trash: Did she accidentally throw her wallet out with the trash from Subway?
When the wallet has not been located in the typical places, you move onto the slightly more fantastical:
The fridge: When we got back from Subway, she went to get a glass of white wine and took it from the fridge. Maybe she put her wallet down in the fridge to grab the wine bottle.
The large plastic Tupperware trash can that contains the dog’s food in the bedroom: When she went to feed the dog, maybe she still had her wallet in her hand, and accidentally dropped it in the food but then forgot about it because I called her name.
In the unmade bed: Did she flop on the bed to snuggle with and pet on Jigsaw for a little bit? Maybe it’s just sitting there in the folds of the sheets.
When you can’t find it after that, you tend to get a bit crazy:
The mailbox: Could she have gone out to the mailbox with her wallet in her hand after Subway, gotten the mail, but put her wallet in there because there was too much mail to carry?
The washer and dryer: Okay. Maybe she had her wallet in her hand. Then we went to Subway. Then she came home with the food and we ate dinner. Then, when she was cleaning up the trash, she spilled something on her shirt and went, wallet in hand, to put it in the washer and decided to do the laundry, and put the wallet in one of the machines.
Under the kitchen sink: Did she decide to clean the table with 409 after dinner and since she had her wallet in her hand from throwing the bag of Subway trash away, she just put it down to grab the sponge and cleaner and then forgot to get it?
In my pockets: Maybe she handed me her wallet and I stuck it in my pocket, although I don’t remember any such thing happening?
Oh, the wallet’s still missing? Now you just go fucking nuts:
The attic: Maybe after eating Subway, throwing away the trash, and cleaning the table, all with her wallet still in her hand, she heard a noise and decided to go up to the attic to see if we had a mouse, and then maybe she saw a mouse, shrieked, dropped the wallet up there, and then fled downstairs, but forgot to tell me, and didn’t remember any of that the next morning.
Floating in the pool: She likes to walk around the pool when she’s talking on her cell, so maybe after eating Subway, throwing away the trash, and cleaning the table, she started talking to her sister and walked around the pool with her wallet in hand. Then, she got another call, and when she were trying to answer the other line, her hand slipped, and the wallet fell down and landed in the pool but she didn’t notice because she was busy talking on the phone.
In the trunk: After eating Subway, throwing away, and cleaning, the doorbell rang, and a homeless guy was asking for money. She said no, but he saw that she had her wallet in her hand, so he lunged for it. She killed him, threw him in the trunk, and drove him around to the lake and rolled him in for the gators to eat. When she went back to close the trunk, she put her wallet in there to wipe off her fingerprints from everything and then forgot and closed the trunk, then drove back home and came back in while I was watching TV.
In her purse: Clearly, what happened was that she took her wallet with her to Subway. She went in, ordered our food, and returned to the car, carrying the wallet, the bags of food, and the drinks, and we drove home, went inside and ate dinner. Her wallet was on the table, and then she picked it up, took it to the trash with her, then grabbed the 409, cleaned the table, wallet still in hand. Her sister called on the cell phone, so she went outside with the phone and wallet, still in her hand, and walked around the pool. Her conversation ended, and she came in, and put her wallet on the counter. Then a version of my wife from the future where time travel is possible showed up, grabbed her wallet, and took it back with future-her into the time-space continuum, where future-wife held onto it until just now, when future-wife came back to our time and slipped it in now-wife’s purse. The same purse that now-wife swears she searched thirty minutes ago.
Why not record Project Runway tonight and listen to me and Britt instead? We’ll be doing our radio show over on Talkshoe, and you’re more than welcome to join us in the chat room from 9 PM to 10 PM EST. Britt and I will be having angry word sex as we argue over yet another topic.
Tonight’s topic is Friendship, with a twist! Is it difficult for someone with kids to be friends with someone who doesn’t have kids? How is the dynamic different? How many times will Britt call me fucking retarded within the span of sixty minutes? Tune in and find out!
You can listen live online at Talkshoe.com, or download the Talkshoe application and you can chat and even call in!