Are you having trouble figuring out what to buy for your slightly effeminate son? Your geeky awkward daughter? Your MMORPG playing husband or wife? Your movie freak of a dad? Your snooty glutton of a mom?
Your prayers have been answered. I present you with the First Annual Avitable Holiday Gift Guide (aka FAAHGG)!
I have scoured the Internet and come up with some of the coolest shit out there. I have not, however, tested each of these items for their coolness, nor have I put them in my mouth to see if they have small parts that might lead to choking or anal blockage, so purchase at your own risk. I will be buying most of these if I don’t already own them, though, and everybody knows what good sense I have when it comes to financially investing in more crap to fill my house!
The guide continues behind the link.
Kota My Triceratops Dinosaur
This is a dinosaur that you can ride! Where was this shit when I was a kid? This animatronic dinosaur moves his head and tail, blinks his eyes, and has tons of special sound effects. If they had one for adults, I’d totally buy it. Who wouldn’t? And if you won’t buy this for your young child, you are clearly a horrible, evil parent.
Blank Nesting Dolls
If you’re like me, and you can’t stand the idea of buying a creative kid gifts like Elmo or Harry Potter or another fucking Wii game, this might be a good way to give a gift without giving into the crass commercialism that stains the world today.
These Russian nesting dolls are blank, ready for you and your family to sit down and paint any way that you want. The possibilities are endless. You can make them look like your family, your sexual partners, your favorite celebrities, or let your youngest child paint them all, ensuring that they have that abstract/retard quality that occurs when little kids try to draw shit.
Firefly: Complete and Official Map of the Verse
This is the first comprehensive guide to the worlds of Joss Whedon’s Firefly and Serenity. There are literally thousands of pieces of information in this visual guide, which documents the location, relative sizes, and names of the 215 terraformed worlds and moons, seven gas giants, seven protostars and five distinct star systems that comprise the star cluster known as The Verse.
If you know someone who has to run into the bathroom and masturbate every time they hear the name “Joss Whedon”, buy this now. Giving this gift to a rabid Whedonite will guarantee that you will get four weeks of non-stop geek sex, which everyone knows is better than normal people sex.
The Big Lebowski – 10th Anniversary Limited Edition
It’s a DVD set shaped like a bowling ball! What a perfect gift for that friend or relative who is constantly talking about the rug tying the whole room together, calling you “Dude”, or drinking White Russians. Even if you or your giftee already owns the original DVD, this special edition will really tie the room together. Dude.
Freaks & Geeks: Yearbook Edition
This short-lived series, the brainchild of Paul Feig and Judd Apatow (you know, the genius behind 40-Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up, Superbad, and Forgetting Sarah Marshall), is one of the most realistic looks at high school life that I’ve ever seen, maybe because all of the fucking actors were actually the right age? It’s amazing what happens when you have teens playing teens, instead of a show like Smallville where Tom Welling is 42 and still playing a 19-year old boy!
See Seth Rogan, Jason Segel, James Franco, and a ton of familiar faces as they struggle through life as the freaks and geeks. And you’ll relate to at least one of these characters, without a doubt. In high school, nobody was normal.
Star Wars Toaster
Everybody knows a girl who will put two cinnamon buns up to her head and say “Help me, Obi Wan! You’re my only hope!” Or the guy who knows how to speak Wookiee. Or the couple who dress up as stormtroopers! These are people who want a black toaster that will toast an image of Darth Vader onto each piece of bread.
If you dismiss this book because it’s a comic, you’re being ignorant. This is one of the most influential pieces of fiction written in the last 20 years, and for better or worse, will soon be a movie in a theater near you.
If you’re a fan of social and political commentary and you can get over yourself enough to understand that a book with art is still a book, this is a gift you should get for yourself. It will reward you with multiple readings and may even change the way you look at the medium of comics and literature.
Make Your Own Muppet!
Do you understand what this is, people? You can make your very own custom Muppet! FAO Schwartz is my new favorite store in the whole world! Until February, you can order the Muppet kit, which will allow you to pick the characteristics of your Muppet to send up to New York City, and they will custom make your Muppet to ship right back to you! In February, though, you can use the online Muppet creator to create your very own lovable puppet on a stick from scratch! These aren’t just some knock-off “Mupits” you bought in Chinatown for a quarter and a dead cat, either. These are made with the same exacting standards as every Muppet made in Henson’s studio. I think I may be slightly erect right now, just thinking about this!
First there was Lego Star Wars. Then Lego Indiana Jones. Now we have the zenith of the Lego video game world. Lego Batman has all of the best parts of its predecessors without all of the shitty parts! Who would this game be good for? Anyone with a Wii who likes games. Anyone who likes Batman. Anyone who likes Legos. Anyone with a God damned soul, okay?
Fred and Friends Gin and Titonic
You probably have a friend who throws boring old parties that just have normal boring blah square ice cubes in their drinks. Give them a hint by buying them these Titanic ice cube trays. Each one contains four Titanic ship molds and four iceberg molds – just what every party needs. Does not come with a chubby naked Kate Winslet.
Christopher Reeve as Superman Statue
It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s a crippled guy who fell off a horse! Why not remember Christopher Reeve the way he deserves to be remembered – in a pair of red and blue tights. Superman is iconic – representing truth and justice and wholesome values. Oh, and X-ray vision.
Indiana Jones Whip Replica
This is NOT a whip for your mom and dad who like to put on the ball gag, tie each other up and get into a little BDSM. This is a whip for someone who can appreciate film history. At 10-feet long, made from fine leather, this is an authentic fully functioning replica of the whip used by Indiana Jones! Interference by George Lucas is not included.
The Gonzo Tapes:The Life and Work of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
This is the rantings, observations, and notes as recorded by infamous gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson between 1965 and 1975. If you’ve enjoyed his pretend antics in Doonesbury, his make-believe actions in “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas”, or you just want to experience the world through a man who may just have seen it all, this is for you. Or it could also be for your ex-druggie uncle who barely survived the sixties, too.
Sanyo Xacti Waterproof Camcorder
I own this camera and can attest to its awesomeness, especially for the price. I’ve taken it in the pool and in the rain and in the shower, and it’s performed amazingly well. It even shoots well when being drenched in semen!
Power Sentry 5-Outlet PowerSquid Surge Suppressor
This versatile power strip has replaced the stodgy white boxes lined with female slots just begging to be plugged by a virile male plug. Now each plug has the flexibility to stretch or bend to fit the male’s personal needs. What could be a better gift for anyone?
Dale and Thomas Popcorn 12-Pack Sampler
12 foot-long bags of gourmet popped corn, with the following flavors: dark fudge with praline almonds, kettle corn, country smokehouse cheddar, white cheddar and black peppercorn, blue ribbon chili and sour cream, chocolate chunk n’ caramel, cinnamon creme drizzlecorn, peanut butter and white chocolate drizzlecorn, twice-as-nice chocolate drizzlecorn, chocolate and peanut butter drizzlecorn, almond biscotti, and frosted gingerbread.
This stuff is the best popcorn in the whole world. I just ordered this exact thing for myself yesterday, just so my wife and I had something to snack on when we’re watching TV. Since we’ll probably eat them in lieu of dinner, they won’t last that long, but if you eat them in addition to a healthy, well-balanced meal, they’ll last you for a month or more.
Vanity Fair: The Portraits: A Century of Iconic Images
100 years of portraits from such well-known photographers as David LaChappelle and Annie Leibovitz. With stunning production value and high quality, glossy pages, this photo book would be great on the coffee table of a follower of the cause celebre, a dabbler in entertainment, or some snooty fucker who thinks that it legitimizes their collection of erotic Mapplethorpe art.
20 Years of Dilbert
Dilbert, the champion of the cube dweller, has been a favorite for mine for a long time. Even though I’ve never had to work in that environment, I’ve found Scott Adams to be an insightful man with a valuable perspective into the void that is upper management. And now when I read his strips and say, “I don’t get it. That’s not funny,” I know that I have become that exact upper management.
Heathers – Limited Edition Box Set
Fuck “The Breakfast Club”, “Heathers” was the movie for my generation. “I love my dead gay son!”
Buy this limited edition for the Heather or JD in your life. It comes with a metal locker that has a working combination lock, the 2-disc 20-year reunion edition, the new Heathers Blu-Ray, a hardcover Heathers yearbook, Heathers themed magnets, and a Big Fun T-shirt!
It’s kosher. It’s vegetarian. It’s mayonnaise that tastes like bacon!
This concludes the First Annual Avitable Holiday Gift Guide. If you’re smart, and since you’re reading this, I sincerely doubt that you are, you would just buy everything on this list and figure out who gets what later!
If you decide that you want to buy me a Christmas present, send me Christmas cookies, or send me a Christmas card, you can send it to:
605 Birch Blvd
Altamonte Springs, FL 32701
You can also visit my Amazon.com wishlist right here.
In other Avita-news:
Tonight (that’s Wednesday night for you tards out there) is a brand new installment of “Clearly, You’re Retarded”!
Is using Facebook, Google, or Myspace to get in touch with old friends and acquaintances a function of nostalgia or is it creepy? Are you a stalker? Am I?
Britt and I are going to discuss when old friends should just be left to die from 9 PM to 10 PM EST on Talkshoe. You can listen live online at Talkshoe.com, or download the Talkshoe application and you can chat and even call in!