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All I wanted was to kill a few hookers

Dear Rockstar Games,

I am an ardent fan of your Grand Theft Auto games. My favorite, Vice City, still keeps me entertained on those cold, lonely nights. I will roam the cities you have created for hours, picking up prostitutes, killing cops and criminals and civilians and generally sowing mass hysteria, whether it’s with a minigun, a rocket launcher, or a good old fashioned chainsaw.

The previews for your newest release, Grand Theft Auto IV, were oh so pretty. I had to have it! But no, you like to tease those of us superior gamers who use computers instead of consoles. I glared angrily at people who bought it for the PS3 or the Xbox and waited for the PC version to come out. And waited. And waited. And waited.

Finally, the day was here! I sat by the mailbox eagerly until the UPS man arrived. Tearing the package open, I was giddy with anticipation of a night of murder and mayhem. I installed the game, choosing to ignore the horrible DRM and requirements of restrictive registration and activation, and prepared for nirvana.

Yet, here I am, four hours later, writing a blog post instead. Why would that be? Oh, maybe because Rockstar Games is one of the shittiest companies on Earth? Why would you release a game that is so buggy that fully half of the people who bought it CANNOT GET IT TO PLAY? Can you imagine if GE made a stove that didn’t actually heat, and then had to send out a repairman with a new part to every single home that had to be installed first? Or what if you ordered a pizza from Domino’s but they didn’t include the sauce, and you had to wait on hold for an hour to get someone to give you a coupon to get sauce next time? Would either of those companies still be in business? Fuck no. And neither should you.

You motherfucking impotent ass-faced nut-chomping four-flushing shit-eating jizz-mopping spineless cunty oozing sores of humanity can get your pathetic worthless bung-munching pimple-squeezing crackhead incontinent asses in line to lick my sweaty, hairy, salty taint.


Adam Heath Avitable

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43 Replies to “All I wanted was to kill a few hookers”

  1. amanda

    When we got guitar hero world tour the drunk kit didn’t work, so activision had some cord thing they sent us and we had to download a program to retune it. Maybe they should just do something right the first time.

  2. blueppaintred

    ha! hubs has spent the last three days bitching about the tomb raider game on wii. he said it is so full of bugs and glitches. it took him three tries – and three downloaded patches to get past level one.

    level two was so bad he gave up.

    how can it be legal for a company to sell what amounts to a piece of crap?

  3. Blondefabulous

    What ever happened to companies taking pride in their product? Is it really such a race to get their product to market that they are willing to release a piece of shit JUST to beat the competition? I’d much rather have a working product than a piece of shit any day. Pieces of shit smell bad. :loser:

  4. SciFi Dad

    Actually, I order my pizza without sauce (I know, an italian who doesn’t like tomato sauce!) so I’d be cool with Domino’s.

    Some of my PSP games fuck up, but I never know if it’s the game of the fact that I’m running custom firmware. I just reset and try again.

  5. Cissa Fireheart

    It’s good to see you have a grip on your anger, although I’m a little unclear on your true feelings of the situation. I suggest therapy — go out and kill a couple hookers in real life and see if that resolves your tension…. :sexytime:

  6. Miss Britt

    Personally, I think jizz-mopping is kind of a compliment.

    To me it says “you’re courteous, you’re respectful, you not only don’t expect me to sleep in the wet spot, you ensure that there is no wet spot. You’re an over achiever.”

    Well done, jizz-mopper.

  7. Grant

    I had problems with Carmageddon. The first was fun, but buggy. At least you got points for randomly killing helpless people. The second was technically superior, but they introduced challenges you had to complete to advance to another level. That means the game took skill rather than just allowing you to cruise in a fancy car tricked-out with weaponry seeing how many pedestrians you could massacre. I never bought version 3 because they changed the helpless civilians into evil zombies. OMFG – morality! Keep your morals out of my gaming, fecking feckwads.

  8. NYCWD

    Funny, I had absolutely no problem killing hookers and running over children. In fact, my brother received a Key To Liberty City for completing the game within one week.

    Oh wait.

    We own XBoxes.

    Yeah… sucks to be you.

  9. Jay

    I don’t play video games. They’re just a bit too addictive for me. If I started playing one that is all I would do day and night. Just play video games. So, much like cocaine and heroin I just avoid them altogether.

  10. Janelle

    I had to comment on this post!
    My hubby just bought some “I’m gonna take over the world” game the other day. OMG! That freaking game took hours to install, wait it didn’t take hours to install, it took hours to download everything he needed for the game to work properly.
    He is like you and prefers playing PC versions of games (I on the other hand am asking Santa for a Wii).
    I can’t wait to get home to have Paul read this post, I know he will be happy that he isn’t the only one with these same issues.
    I know you will be happy to know that you will be bringing a smile to Paul’s face and really, isn’t that what you live to do? :lmao:

  11. Candy

    Yeah, you’re preaching to the choir on this one. My son has a perfectly good XBox version of the game, but do you think he’d let me touch his precious console? noooooo….

    I am left to sigh helplessly at my computer monitor as game after game is not available to me. I am currently playing Half-Life2. Which I downloaded via Stream, but I hear a lot of people hate Stream. Considering the game crashed this morning, maybe they’re on to something.

    I am bemoaning the wait for Fable 2, currently available for Xbox (those bastards) but not PC. When did we become second citizens!?

  12. twinkie

    What a crazy world we live in when a man can say, “All I wanted was to kill a few hookers” and nobody flinches. hahaha

    My hubby once told me, “hang on honey, I just have to pick up a few hookers then I’ll be done and we can head out to dinner.”

    I said, OK! and I was walking away I thought, “HU?”

  13. Ginger

    WOW! I am cutting, pasting, & saving that last paragraph as a template for any and all insults that I will ever want to send out to anybody ever…except that I don’t have a taint…but I’ll improvise.

    That was a literary masterpiece of insults.

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