Avitable Interviews Dead Celebrities

My interview with Caylee Anthony

Me: Hi, Caylee.

C: Hi, Adam. Thanks for having me on your blog.

Me: Anytime. So, you’re dead, huh?

C: Yup. It seems that way.

Me: I’m very sorry to hear that.

C: Oh, don’t be. Unless you’re my stupid whore of a mother, Casey Anthony, it’s not your fault.

Me: It seemed like there were a lot of people praying that you were actually at a friend’s house or
otherwise safe, regardless of all of the suspicious evidence.

C: Yeah, those people are fucking idiots. Maybe if everyone had been pragmatic from the very second my batshit crazy mom started telling her lies, this wouldn’t have ended up the media circus that it is.

Me: It’s a little weird, isn’t it? I mean, kids disappear all of the time, but your story is like Jon Benet Ramsey’s.

C: Well, she’s a little bit before my time, but I’ve met her here. She asked me to pass on that yes they fucking did do it and she can’t believe they got away with it. What amazes me is how simple the equation is for something to become a media circus.

Me: Care to enlighten me?

C: You need a crazy parent or parents, you need just enough evidence to make it obvious to everyone except the police, and you need a pretty white girl.

Me: You think the media’s racist?

C: When’s the last time someone had their very own Wikipedia entry and they were a missing black girl? Or Asian? Or Hispanic? Or even an ugly white girl?

Me: I guess you’re right. Do you think the media attention helped, though?

C: No! Without the media attention, my mom would have been interrogated, she would have broken down, plead guilty, and been getting forcibly raped by a couple of bull dykes down in prison. But now, she can get a decent defense attorney and my Nana and Papa can make money off of my death.

Me: You don’t want your grandparents to earn any money? This is a capitalist society, after all.

C: I wouldn’t mind if they were completely innocent, but they’re not. They knew what a dead behind the eyes, negligent, recklessly evil piece of shit my mother was, and they let this all happen. Even after they knew I was dead, they’re still supporting my mom instead of denouncing her for the sociopath that she is.

Me: Wow, you have a lot of resentment for a three-year old. Of course, now that I think about it, you’re awfully articulate for someone your age, too.

C: Well, since I’m dead, this entire conversation is just a figment of your imagination. And you stole the whole concept from Black Hockey Jesus, too.

Me: Yeah, well he manages to make his conversations interesting and funny. I’ve only managed to be disturbing and kind of weird.

C: That explains why you’re naked.

Me: Ahem. Well, to get back on target, is there anything you’d like me to pass on to the world at large?

C: First, apparently there is a hell for kids, and it’s filled with giant clowns and Mickey Mouses. Second, Elvis is indeed dead and he just asked me to be his child bride. Finally, heaven is filled with “Obama ’08” signs. Who’da thunk it?

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44 Replies to “My interview with Caylee Anthony”

  1. Blondefabulous

    I KNEW that nasty fucking bitch was guilty when they said the baby had been missing for an entire month before someone reported it. I KNEW the grandparents knew the baby was dead when the police released the 911 tapes where Gramma says “The car smells like death.”. WTF was everyone thinking when they made this bitch their lead story? She needs to be thrown into the foulest depths of hell to suffer for years and years. :pissed:

  2. NYCWD

    I wouldn’t mind if they were completely innocent, but they’re not. They knew what a dead behind the eyes, negligent, recklessly evil piece of shit my mother was, and they let this all happen. Even after they knew I was dead, they’re still supporting my mom instead of denouncing her for the sociopath that she is.


  3. SJ

    Balls of steel, dude. BALLS OF STEEL.

    Although initially appalled, I’m glad I kept reading and saw the points you are making. All of which I agree with 100%. Except for the part about Elvis being dead.

    There is no punishment great enough for Casey Anthony, but I firmly believe karma will take care of that next time around. Too bad she won’t remember why she’s reborn as a maggot in a cesspit.

  4. Dawn

    I’ve been glued to Nancy Grace for the last [too long for this “story” to remain “unsolved”] in hopes that it will FINALLY come to an end, and Casey will be fried. I know, the prosecution cannot/will not go for the death penalty, but — DAMN! — I hope someone does her in while in prison, then. She killed that gorgeous child — HER child!!!! — and there needs to be some sort of justice.

  5. Chrissi

    As a Mom who has had a child suffer from leukemia,have 2 bonemarrow transplants and the end result was burying my 6 year old,this just hurts my heart. Terribly.

    I would love 10 minutes with this piece of shit. Just 10 minutes.

    I didn’t have a choice, SHE did.

    Oh, and her grandparents – totally guilty.

  6. Sharon - Mom Generations

    There are people who will be more offended by your “Interview” than by the freak show who call themselves the mother and grandparents of Caylee. I have 9 grandchildren… and it defies imagination to begin to think that one of them could be missing for a DAY before me or my husband “interrogate” (for lack of a better word) the parent of the child. I am speechless at the callousness and inadequacy and weakness and worthlessness of the adults. You have given some strong words to Caylee… words that pierce the heart like a broken parent.
    Nothing complex here. Just evil accomplished. Wasn’t it Eric Hoffer who said that evil often attracts the weak?

  7. B.E. Earl

    I wouldn’t know anything about this case if it weren’t for Gia. She has been glued to the tube because of it. And since I was stuck at home sick, I had to watch.

    Very sad. But what you said about her being a missing white girl rings true to me. And my cold heart still can’t get too upset at this since I don’t personally know any of the participants. Just like that Dear Zachary docu that I wrote about last week.

  8. Sybil Law

    Her mom is a piece of shit. Period. And her parents are delusional assholes who obviously aren’t using any common sense. Although, I have to say, it would be awfully hard to admit to yourself, nevermind anyone else, that your daughter is an evil bitch who KILLED your granddaughter.
    But don’t forget- her grandparents were at your Halloween party!

  9. Brenda-SeriouslyMama

    Chrissi may need 10 minutes but I could do it in 5. Nothing against Chrissi but I wouldn’t waste 10 minutes on Casey Anthony. And Ms. Anthony be begging for me to send her to hell in 3.

    Amen for the truth. Those who can’t stand it should stay in their foo foo happy place and let justice be served.

  10. Sheila (Charm School Reject)

    I haven’t been able to comment yet. I was trying to think of something to say. Then I realized that I have no words. Nothing in my vocabulary could ever, ever do justice to what I think about this filthy disgraceful excuse for a woman.

    ::insert some of Avitable’s creative cuss words to the computer game people here::

  11. cap

    Google “Precious Doe” – she was a little black girl who disappeared in 2001. Her parents were just convicted.

    Otherwise, I agree 150%. The grandparents knew. Everyone knew. The fuckers.

  12. Kimberly

    Hmmm, a bit creepy, but well said!

    One of my favorite movie quotes is from Parenthood…
    “You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car – hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they’ll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father.” (or mother in this case)

    As an elementary school teacher, there are some crazy people out there doing crazy shit to their kids and more often than not nothing is done about it until it’s too late.

  13. Avitable

    Hello, it’s crazy!

    Sue, it’s very sad and unfortunate that it took this long for everyone else to figure it out.

    Blondefabulous, you have spoken my mind.

    Courtney, me too!

    Kapgar, if Johnny Carson could interview everyone naked, so could I.

    Hallie, I do have a problem with subtlety.

    Whall, are you being sarcastic?

    MusikLovir, fucker.

    NYCWD, this is when vigilantism is totally called for.

    Ju-Ju, thanks!

    SJ, what’s to be appalled about? You mean this isn’t in perfect taste?

    Dawn, why the holy fuck do you watch Nancy Grace? She’s a horrible, evil person.

    Christie, indubitably.

    Chrissi, I think many parents who have lost a child would be right with you.

    Sharon, surprisingly, nobody was offended. Not sure why.

    JGrrl, little kids cuss like a mother fucker.

    BE Earl, I’ve only heard about it because it happened here.

    Faiqa, laughing at horrible things is a good way to cope.

    Dan, thanks for that link – I had no idea!

    Sybil, yes, they were!

    Grant, I say go for it.

    Chrissi, but he’s our sick fuck.

    TrishK, it was totally innocent naked.

    Angie, I hate Nancy Grace too.

    Brenda, foo foo happy place, eh?

    Britt, that was already preordained.

    Sheila, you? At a loss for words? Holy shit!

    Cajun Vegan, I’ve got a short bus ride.

    Heather, hopefully if people actually read it, they won’t be offensive.

    Marty, I look at the entire world a bit differently.

    Beth, thanks.

    Cap, one black girl in the last seven years – I bet she was really cute, though, right?

    Muskrat, great interview!

    Kimberly, talking to a dead girl is creepy? Noooo!

    Carolina, I totally should.

    Robin, you are twisted. I like that.

    BHJ, oh, I will.

    Turnbaby, thanks!

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