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Kiss my blarney stone, by which I mean penis.

Today is Saint Patrick’s Day, a day when the Irish and the non-Irish alike celebrate Irishness by following many traditions including drinking a lot and passing out. In addition to corned beef and cabbage, wearing green, and dancing Riverdance, there are many secret Saint Patrick’s Day traditions and rules that nobody else knows about. Until now:

If you see someone who’s shorter than 4′ 5″, you are legally allowed to kidnap them until they grant you at least one wish. If they’re unable to grant you that wish, you may proceed to toss them. Who ever tosses them the furthest wins.

If you’re a man, and you paint your penis green, you can pretend that it’s a snake fleeing Ireland and women have to try to capture it.

At 9:09 PM, everybody needs to shout out “Fuck England!” and punch each other in the face with their mug.

The first person to reach a blood alcohol level of .317 gets free drinks for the rest of the night.

If you see Sinead O’Connor, you are allowed to punch her in the face once while singing “Nothing Compares 2 The Pope”.

You’ll get a free pass for driving drunk if the officer who pulls you over is named Kelly, O’Shaugnessy, O’Toole, or Houlihan.

If you drink too much and have to vomit, try to vomit in the shape of a shamrock. You’ll get to meet a faerie!

Put a sweet potato down your pants in the morning and by dinner time it will have turned into a pot of gold.

For anyone named Danny, it’s his turn in the glory hole all night, because the pipes, the pipes are calling.

Have a happy Saint Paddy’s Day!

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40 Replies to “Kiss my blarney stone, by which I mean penis.”

  1. Jess

    Fun fact of the day: Got to drink green beer to celebrate St. Patty’s Day before I actually go to bed on what started as the day before St. Patties Day.

    No worries lad, I will be drinking green beer twice in one day this year.


  2. Crys

    all i want to do is go downtown and get so drunk i barf in the Chicago river, which btw, we Irish turn green for the festivities. no it’s not from our barf.


  3. kapgar

    As I typically do when I see the start of one of your handdrawn designs, I slowly scrolled fearing what was below the fold. Honestly, I thought you were going to tell us you dyed your dick green.

  4. Robin

    At 9:09 PM, everybody needs to shout out “Fuck England!” and punch each other in the face with their mug.

    I can attest from personal knowledge as I have been to Ireland, this is true.

  5. Avitable

    Hilly, just for you.

    Dave2, well, I forgot to color the beer, so there.

    Mary, aye.

    BE Earl, as you puke up your Guinness?

    Turnbaby, it’s a shamrock thong!

    Sarah, no. Send photographic proof.

    Jess, enjoy!

    Just Beth, wanna kiss my blarney stone?

    SPD, and being belligerent.

    Crys, well, go ahead and have fun!

    Hello, will do, lassie.

    Faiqa, luck is Celtic for “drunk and stupid”.

    Kapgar, ooh. Maybe next time!

    Sybil, hahah – very good.

    Robin, did you just make an Asian joke?

    NYCWD, faith and begorrah, ’tis true!

    Grant, that’s true, I didn’t. Enjoy your wishes!

    Demigod, I’m sure it’s on a bathroom wall somewhere!

    Kiefer, ah, yes. Of course!

    Finn, wanna play “Find the four-leaf clover?”

    David, I’m more Irish than everyone.

    Robin, I knew it!

    Popping Bubbles, there’s lots of face punching on Saint Patrick’s Day.

    Leanne, I can imagine. Ew.

    Heather, so does that mean I can pinch you?

  6. Avitable

    Marty, that is true. This tradition is very emotionally damaging to sweet potatoes.

    Sarcastica, did you do any of them?

    J from Ireland, I’m jealous!

    Stacey, yeah. You should reassess that.

    Borys, because they get drunk and fight a lot?

    Selma, not even mine?

    Stephanie, nice usage!

    Leanne, ooh, that would be fun.

    Sheila, yeah, you lazy bitch!

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