Avitable Interviews Dead Celebrities

My conversation with Stephen Hawking

As I write this post tonight, Stephen Hawking has been rushed to the hospital and is gravely ill. And unlike last time, when I waited until after death to have a(n imagined) conversation with Caylee Anthony, I thought I should have a conversation with the famous 67-year old physicist before his imminent demise.

Me: Hi Steve-o. Can I call you Steve-o?

SH: I would prefer not.

Me: Stevey?

SH: Mr. Hawking is fine.

Me: Sheesh. You know, for a cripple, you’re cranky. Isn’t your type supposed to be jolly?

SH: That’s fat people you’re thinking of, lard ass.

Me: Fine, fine. I’d punch you in the stupid face, but I don’t want to catch whatever it is you have. Let’s get to the interview. So you wrote “A Wrinkle In Time”?

SH: No, you brain-dead moron. That book was written by Madeleine L’Engle.

Me: “Back to the Future?”

SH: That starred Michael J. Fox, you twit.

Me: “Time after Time?”

SH: That, bearded imbecile, was written and performed by Cyndi Lauper.

Me: So who the fuck are you then?

SH: I am a theoretical physicist who wrote “A Brief History of Time.”

Me: Oh. So you know physics and shit?

SH: I definitely know physics and shit. In fact, I’ve forgotten more about physics in the last three seconds than you’ll ever learn in your pathetic inconsequential life.

Me: Can you answer me a question?

SH: Isn’t that the point of this infantile interview?

Me: Like, if Superman and Lois Lane fucked, wouldn’t his sperm shoot right through her and kill her immediately?

SH: The probability of someone with the powers of the fictional character Superman actually existing are nigh impossible. His very abilities contradict any ability he’d have to interact with humanity on any basis.

Me: Huh?

SH: Sigh. Yes, she would become Swiss cheese.

Me: I thought so!

SH: Do you have any more enlightened, fascinating questions?

Me: Nope! Want to thumb wrestle?

SH: Bring it on, fat boy.


In other Avita-news, Britt is throwing Hilly a housewarming party! As some of you know, Hilly moved across country from California to Florida and now lives about thirty seconds away from Britt, ten minutes away from Faiqa, and twenty minutes away from me. Even though this clearly shows who she loves the most and who she loves the least, I’m still extremely excited that she’s here.

Since the blogging world can’t all come down to Orlando or fit in Hilly’s new house, Britt is hosting a virtual housewarming party over at her blog. Go on over, leave Hilly a housewarming comment, or even use her Amazon.com Wish List to buy her a present!

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26 Replies to “My conversation with Stephen Hawking”

  1. Kelley @ Magnetoboldtoo

    The voice program he uses (according to my son who is like a freaking genius or something when it comes to this shit) is called Speakonia.

    One of my favourite pastimes is to type rude words into it and imagine it is Stephen Hawking. And then giggle like the 12 year old boy that I am.

  2. NYCWD

    I fucking knew it!!! Even Stephen Fucking Hawkins agrees with me that Superman would blow Lois Lane’s head clear off!!! Only Wonder Woman‘s amazonian uterus could handle the Super Semen.

  3. Avitable

    BE Earl, I’ll ignore your first comment and say nice Wargames reference!

    Chris, tasteless? A fake interview with a deathly ill genius? Heh.

    Whall, I accepted their explanation. They just needed to be faster about it and provide more information.

    Kelley, Stephen Hawking has always been pretty funny on shows like The Simpsons.

    SciFi Dad, Homer’s next.

    Hello, he’d totally say that!

    Faiqa, you are such a dork of the highest magnitude!

    Sybil, I should be hired to interview people in real life, too.

    Hilly, but physics can be fun!

    Robin, I’m a fount of knowledge.

    NYCWD, but what if he wore a gold kryptonite cock ring, hm?

  4. NYCWD

    Depends on the Gold Kryptonite era. If it is the original Gold Kryptonite, it removes all Kryptonian powers permanently. If it is the later Gold Kryptonite, it only removes the powers for like 30 seconds.

    So unless Superman is a Under Minute Man, she’s either still going to be decapitated or he won’t be so super anymore.

  5. Coal Miner's Granddaughter

    “I’ve forgotten more about physics in the last three seconds than you’ll ever learn in your pathetic inconsequential life.”

    O.M.F.G. I loved that! I snorted. I’m so using that in a conversation this next week. Seriously.

    And um, Mr. Hawking? Whatever. Call him Professor Hawking, you non-physics peasant, and kneel before his glorious presence. And remember that when he’s gone? We’ll all be praying to the mighty Hawking because God will be obsolete.

  6. Shelli

    Normally I would try to be funny, (I said “try”) but my brother-in-law is afflicted with the same disease. He will not live with it as long as Mr. Hawking has. I pray he doesn’t. It’s an awful disease.

  7. Avitable

    NYCWD, good point. What about a condom that simulates red sun radiation?

    Grant, isn’t that what a real housewarming is?

    Finn, not just her eye, but it’d go through the back of her head!

    Turnbaby, holes is holes!

    Heather, I like Steve-O better.

    Sheila, sigh. How do you not know who he is?

    Shelli, I’m sure if it wasn’t for his income and advanced technology, Stephen Hawking never would have lived as long as he has so far.

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