Clearly, You're Retarded was the radio show with Adam Avitable and Britt Reints

Candy canes from heaven

A conversation with a friend reminded me of this story, which I should have told several months ago but never got around to it.

Late one December night, coming home from Britt’s, I had to stop by our corner Walgreens for toilet paper. I walked in and stopped at the massive tower of boxes of candy canes that capped one of the aisles. About four boxes deep and stretching almost all of the way to the ceiling, the tower called to me. Amy loves candy canes, so I thought that I’d pick up a box for her to eat and use to decorate the tree simultaneously.

The tower was too tall to reach the top, so the only way to get a box was to pull it from the bottom. The bottom was at least four boxes deep and had at least ten boxes side by side, so I just chose the middle bottom one, pulled it out, and continued down the aisle to get to the toilet paper.

As I turned the corner, I saw a little old lady who couldn’t have been younger than 80, clutching her basket like one of the fourteen cats she undoubtedly kept at home, walk up to the display, apparently contemplating a candy cane purchase. I hadn’t stepped more than one step out of sight when I heard it.


Peering around the corner, I saw the old lady almost completely buried in candy cane boxes. One foot stuck out of the pile, reminiscent of the Wicked Witch meeting the business end of Dorothy’s house. As I watched, dumbstruck, two managers ran up and began to help her to her feet. Her hair wild, glasses askew, looking as if she and the resident lothario down at the rest home had just bumped uglies, she seemed very disoriented. Much like one had just been struck on or about the head by hundreds of boxes.

I quickly grabbed the toilet paper, snuck around the back of the store, and checked out.

In other Avita-news, tonight at 9 PM is another new episode of “Clearly, You’re Retarded”! LOST finale, SHMLOST shminale!

Tonight’s topic: Are we a shallow nation?

Does someone who’s attractive get more opportunities than someone who’s ugly? Is that fair or right? Do you give someone who’s dressed nicely more credit than someone who’s not? Does dressing up affect your own attitude and personality?

If you listen live, you can join everyone in the chatroom where there is usually a lively discussion going on that has nothing to do with the topic at hand. You can create an account at Talkshoe and download the Talkshoe Pro software or just listen as a guest. I recommend downloading the Talkshoe Pro software because even though it still has problems, it seems like the problems are more minimal with it. Hope to see you there!

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48 Replies to “Candy canes from heaven”

  1. delmer

    A friend’s uncle once took one of the bottom gallons from a pyramid display of adhesives/solvents/something. The display crashed, many gallons opened, and the store had to be evacuated.

    He *did not* leave the store looking as if he’d been bumping uglies with anybody.

  2. B.E. Earl

    You should have been all like “Hey, Lady! Why don’t ya leave some for the rest of us!”

    Or like “Hey, Lady! Whatcha got back home? A sweet tooth the size of yer ass?”

    Or even “Hey, Lady! If ya want to suck on something, why don’t you suck on…”

    Nevermind that last one. Okay?

  3. Turnbaby

    I am sooooo giggling about you slinking out of the store with the TP under your arm.

    I don’t think it’s restricted to the USA–there are studies that show ‘attractive ‘ people are given preferential treatment–hence the moniker ‘attractive’

  4. Jason

    I’m disappointed that you didn’t get involved in some way.

    And when I first read this it sounded like in all of the commotion you snuck out of the store without paying for your toilet paper.

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