Top 10 Things Your iPhone Won’t Do

Yesterday, after Apple’s exciting World Wide Developers Conference (shouldn’t it be Developers’ Conference? Is it a conference for the developers or comprised of developers or is it both?), the internet was abuzz with news of the latest iPhone, due June 19th, which is of course the coolest piece of hardware since the vibrator.

The newest iPhone, dubbed 3GS (I’m assuming because it was invented by 3 Gay Swedes), has a bevy of new features that were available on other smartphones years ago, including:

  • 3 megapixel camera that finally has autofocus;
  • Video capture;
  • Voice control;
  • Encryption; and
  • Tethering so you can share your internet connection with your computer (although AT&T doesn’t allow it).

Every tech blog, every geek, and every Mac whore is blogging about this as you read this. What you won’t read, however, are the top 10 things that your iPhone still won’t do. And that’s where I come in.


  1. Lick your nipples. After the iMasturbate app debacle in 2007 when 3,000 women and men were admitted to emergency rooms across the world because their iPhones slipped out of their grip and became lodged within various orifices, Apple has declared a moratorium on all sexually gratifying apps.
  2. Prevent obesity. A focus group done in early 2009 demonstrated that if the iPhone shocked a user if it detected the presence of a calorie and carb-laden food product, rather than encouraging healthy eating, iPhone users would simply “forget” to take their phone with them when going out to restaurants, sitting down at the table, or sneaking chocolate cake at four in the morning.

  3. Fly. The original concept, iJet, was designed to allow the user to hover in the air at a height of four feet off the ground for about three minutes, using newly invented repulsor rays. However, this resulted in the iPhone 3GS being six feet tall and weighing in around 1400 pounds. Plus the camera still sucked so you couldn’t even take any good pictures while you were flying.
  4. Send and receive smells. ISniffer was scrapped once Apple realized that 98.9% of all smells sent and received would be farts, armpits, burps, and poopy diapers.
  5. Prescribe medication. While it seemed like a radically progressive concept, this feature that drew blood, analyzed it, and prescribed medication directly to your nearest Walgreens or CVS had a few bugs. First, the cost of replacing the syringe every time was cost-prohibitive. Secondly, the stringent laws against prescriptions in the US had yet to be circumvented. Finally, it resulted in the iPhones becoming vampires, bursting into flames when in the sun and sentiently drinking blood at night, until Apple created iHelsing to destroy all of the surviving infected iPhones.
  6. Prevent fashion mistakes. Apparently, creating an orbital scanner on the front of the phone that will assess your body type, color choices, hair, and accessories, judge you, and provide you with an image of Tim Gunn clucking his tongue disapprovingly at your fashion disaster will result in an increase in suicides among women aged 21-47, and the number of male iPhone users will dwindle to that of the male viewers of a Lifetime movie.
  7. Read your mind. iKreskin was sent back to the drawing board after research found that users who tried the psychic function began suggesting songs to their friends, attempting to make themselves smaller by drawing their fingers together on their stomachs, and drawing a line across their body in an attempt to remove their clothing. This function will be in a later version once programmers can figure out how to make the psychic connection only effective from the user to the iPhone rather than a two-way link.
  8. Keep you from typing like a moron. For reasons unbeknownst to me, Apple has decided to let people look like idiots by substituting numbers for words and by typing things like “LOL”, “ur”, “wut”, and “LMAO”.
  9. Stop your kids from misbehaving. iTaser, iLeash, iGag, and iParent were all scrapped at the drawing board once Apple realized that spoiled rotten little shithead kids will be the first ones to get brand new iPhones, iPods, and iTouches.
  10. Cure pancreatic cancer. When asked for comment on this missing function, Steve Jobs simply stated, “I am optimistic that our brilliant programmers and researches will have this issue ironed out within the next six to eight months.”
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83 Replies to “Top 10 Things Your iPhone Won’t Do”

  1. Grant

    I would pay good money if the iParent app would zap anyone talking on their phone while their kids ran wild. I hate parents who talk on the phone and ignore their children, then seem annoyed that the rest of the world didn’t pick up the parenting slack and made them put their caller on hold so they could drag their screaming mess away from destroying another store display.

  2. kapgar

    Good thing I already downloaded iMasturbate and have it backed up to DVD. I had no idea it was gone. But those important things in life need backing up. Forget freelance projects… nahhhh. I back up self-gratification apps for phones. Woo!

  3. Miss Britt

    The new iPhone is going to have VIDEO?!?!?! Oh man, I am going to cry knowing that it is out there and I won’t have it. :crying:

    That being said –

    There IS actually an app for #s 9, 6 and 3.

  4. Clown

    Great, another nude photo of you.
    You realize that if you’re going to continue posting pictures like this of yourself there’s no reason left for us to hang out.

    Why would I drive to see you without your clothes when I can just turn on the computer.
    Get a brain, moran.

  5. Finn

    So you had the phone on vibrate and your Twitter set to notify you of every spam tweet via text, right? It might not lick your nipples, but there are other kinds of stimulation…

  6. perpstu

    After listening to all the hype yesterday, I was ready to trade my iPhone in for the new 3GS, but if it cannot prescribe medications or prevent obesity, then frankly it’s just not worth it! 😀

      • Krystle @snarkykisses

        @Avitable, Well… I’ve had a little time to play around with the iPhone, and I am able to download apps that the iPhone users have (usually for free), and we have a real keyboard, and the most recent system update has given us the onscreen keyboard with automatic vertical/horizontal page orientation, and my screen pretty much looks the same as an iPhone (because of the iPhone theme I downloaded). It really isn’t a whole lot different… and the most recent system update is a video camera, faster shutter with the 3 mp camera, pretty much all the same internet stuff. We don’t have as much system memory built into the phone, we just have the 1GB microSD, but you can buy the 8GB microSD too.

        The only things I wish it had were a spot to plug in headphones, and really that’s about it… it has pretty much everything else that the iPhone has, and slightly cheaper price (depending on if you’re a new customer, upgrading, etc).

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