Celebrities are dropping like flies. I’m so busy with interview requests I barely have time to sleep. Billy Mays, let’s hear what you have to say today:
Me: Hi Billy.
BM: Hello ADAM! Thank you for interviewing me today. I’m here to talk about a fantastic new product called DEATH!
BM: It’s AMAZING! Watch how EASY it is for me to turn from a 50-year old man with a loud voice to a LEGEND!
Me: Well, yes, that’s probably true.
BM: In only THREE SIMPLE STEPS, I will be transformed from a mildly successful pitchman to
A PHILANTHROPIST! (shows picture of himself helping an orphan)
A FAMILY MAN! (shows picture of himself with his wife and son)
A MARKETING GENIUS! (shows picture of himself holding OxiClean)
Me: Well, that does sound pretty neat.
BM: It IS neat! Adam, let me ask you a question. Have you ever worried about being FORGOTTEN? (shows picture of sad man shrugging his shoulders as people ignore him)
Me: (nods head) Sure.
BM: Have you ever tried to get FAMOUS, only to find out that it’s MESSIER than you thought? (shows picture of a celebrity trying to get rid of a dead hooker with blood everywhere)
Me: (nods head more vigorously) Yes!
BM: What if you could buy a product that would QUICKLY build upon your marginal POPULARITY by SKYROCKETING YOU TO SUPER STARDOM?
Me: (eagerly nods head even more) Ooooh, really?
BM: Yes, REALLY! All you have to do are follow these SIMPLE STEPS. They’re SO SIMPLE that a CHILD could do them! 1. TRY – gain some marginal popularity 2. FLY – get hit on the head by a heavy object during a commercial flight and 3. DIE – IT’S SO EASY THAT ANYONE CAN DO IT FROM THE PRIVACY OF THEIR OWN HOME!
Me: (looks quizzically to the audience) But how much could something this amazing cost?
BM: I DON’T KNOW – YOU TELL ME?!? Would $400 sound like a fair amount?
Me: Hm. Yes?
Me: Okay, no!
BM: This AMAZING product could be yours for only three monthly payments of $19.95! And if you CALL RIGHT NOW, we’ll give you the third payment free! THAT’S RIGHT, for only two monthly payments of $19.95, YOU TOO CAN EXPERIENCE THE AMAZING SUCCESS OF DEATH! But that’s not all!
Me: (looks amazed) It’s not?
BM: NO!!! If you CALL NOW, I’ll also throw in a free copy of my book, “Billy Mays’ Guide to Beard Maintenance” AND a free CLIP-ON READING LIGHT that allows you to read in any location – while under the covers, on the couch, at the movies . . .
Me: So, let me see if I have this right, Billy. For only TWO PAYMENTS of $19.95, I’m not only going to experience AMAZING SUCCESS with your WONDERFUL NEW PRODUCT, DEATH, but you’ll also throw in a FREE copy of your book AND a FREE clip-on reading light? And all I have to do is 1. TRY, 2. FLY, AND 3. DIE?
BM: Yes! That’s it!
Me: Is it really that easy? Are there any catches, Billy?
BM: No, Adam, there are NO CATCHES and it is really THAT EASY! So simple a CHILD CAN DO IT!
Me: But couldn’t I just try some of those other products I’ve seen out there, like SUICIDE, CANCER and FAME BY ACTUALLY BEING TALENTED?
BM: You could, if you wanted to be like Marlene Munro, Juan Linnon, or Ed McMahon.
Me: (shrugs shoulders, looks confused) Who?
BM: EXACTLY! If you want to try one of the competitors, you’ll quickly learn that their product is INFERIOR to ours in every way. The ONLY WAY that you can experience TRUE POSTHUMOUS SUCCESS AND IMMORTALITY is through this product right here.
Me: Well, you’ve sold me! How about the rest of you? (turns to audience) Are you ready to start succeeding today?
Audience: (applauds) YES! WOOHOO!!!
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