Avitable Interviews Dead Celebrities

My Interview with John Hughes

As most of you know, John Hughes died on Thursday. Known as a recluse in life, he’s not much different in death, and it took me a few days to snag this exclusive posthumous interview with him:

Me: Thanks for joining me, John.

JH: No problem. Glad to be here, man. I mean, you had to shackle me to this chair to interview me, but that’s okay.

Me: Sorry about the restraints, but you’re so elusive to interview! It’s okay, though. I am your number one fan. There is nothing to worry about.

JH: That’s cool. It’s always nice to meet a fan.

Me: My favorite movie of yours has to be Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. I’ve seen it a hundred times if I’ve seen it once.

JH: That one was a lot of fun to write.

Me: Why didn’t you ever make a sequel?

JH: What?

Me: I mean, with a movie that popular, don’t you think that you should have capitalized on it?

JH: Nah, man. I told my story. Ferris had his day off, lessons were learned, people grew. It was done.

Me: I’ve always had this dream of a sequel, though.

JH: Nothing I can do about it now, dude.

Me: Just imagine it being 20 years later. Ferris Bueller is a corporate drone and a single dad. Cameron is a radio talkshow host dating a different woman each week, and Sloane is a wealthy single socialite. He decides that it was such a nice day that he couldn’t go to work, so he takes a day off of work, sneaks his son out of school (where Principal Rooney is still in charge) and goes for an adventure with his oldest friends. You could call it “Ferris Bueller Calls In Sick”. Hm? Hm?

JH: That sounds like complete and utter claptrap.

Me: Well, it would be claptrap. Unless you wrote it. Because if you wrote it and infused it with the same humor, gravitas and character development as the original, it would be the best sequel ever. After Aliens, The Godfather Part II, and Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. And Empire Strikes Back.

JH: It would only work if Matthew Broderick, Alan Ruck, Mia Sara, and Jeffrey Jones came back.

Me: Well, of course, and how could they stay away if you wrote a high caliber script?

JH: It doesn’t matter. I’m dead. Sorry. And now I’m depressed. Interview’s over, man.

Me: Um, no it’s not. I have better plans for you. I am going to help you write a new script.

JH: You think I can just whip one out?

Me: Oh, but I don’t think John, I know. Now let’s not be a dirty birdy and start writing, hm? Don’t make me motivate you and make everything all oogy!

JH: I am not. Writing. A. Fucking. Sequel.

Me: Oh, John. I guess we’ll have to do this the hard way now, won’t we?

JH: Oh Jesus. Put down the sledgehammer! I’ll write, I’ll write! ARARARRRGGGHHHH!! My knee!!!

Me: Do you feel more motivated now or do I have to bring out Mr. Ax?

JH: (sobbing) No, I’ll write it. I’ll write your sequel.

Me: Oh yay! Ferris is going to live again. Happy day happy day!

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead celebrity interviews:

Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

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66 Replies to “My Interview with John Hughes”

  1. Grant

    It would be interesting to hear you interview a porn star, so I think you should whack one of the Jennas next. I’m still proceeding under the assumption that you are knocking off celebrities so you don’t have to think of any new bloggy ideas.

  2. moosh in indy.

    So this is where I say that John Hughes doesn’t have a body as an immortal being and therefore you cannot sledgehammer him into writing a sequel. This proves three points.
    a) you’re a bully.
    b) it’s best that there was never a sequel.
    c) obviously John Hughes went straight to heaven for bringing us Ben Stiller saying “BUELLER? BUELLER?”

  3. GrandeMocha

    I wanted to be Molly Ringwald in the 80s.

    I used to torment my father that I was going to be a going to be a midnight fry cook at Denny’s. I think Cameron or Ferris end up that way in the credits.

  4. Twinkie

    lynda… ME TOO!!! hahahahah and this interview actually ended a bit like Misery did.

    Avitable.. get over it dude. If there was a sequel to be made that would have been as incredible as Ferris Beuler’s Day Off the late great John woulda banked on it. Some things were not meant to be sequelled. Or sequinned.

  5. Poppy

    I don’t know why, but I don’t have a frame of reference for John Hughes’s voice, so I’m using Kevin Smith’s.

    Ferris is where I learned the word “catatonic” and there is such a thing as sexy even if your face is wonky.

  6. martymankins

    Great interview and I loved the Ferris sequel, although I thought it was going another direction there for a bit (“well, you did it with the Home Alone theme with multiple sequels, why not a Ferris sequel?”) but instead, Mr. Sledgehammer did the posthumous damage instead.

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