Avitable Interviews Dead Celebrities

My interview with Robert Novak from Crossfire

Robert Novak. Or a bulldog.
Robert Novak. Or a bulldog.

Conservative political commentator Robert Novak died yesterday at the age of 78, and I had the pleasure of sitting down with him shortly after his demise (And thanks to Swan Shadow for the idea).

Me: So is it true?

RN: Is what true?

Me: That you’re the Prince of Darkness?

RN: Well, that was just an affectionate nickname given to me by an old friend. I even used it as my book title.

Me: So you admit it? You’re Satan?

RN: No, not at all. First of all, no horns.

Me: Maybe you’ve had them sawed off.

RN: Secondly, no tail.

Me: I don’t know that. You’re sitting down.

RN: Finally, wouldn’t I look like a devil – be all red and fiery or something?

Me: Aha! You ARE the devil – that’s exactly what he would say to fool me!

RN: Young man, I’m getting a bit offended by your tone. I am a God-fearing Catholic man, and this notion that I am somehow an incarnation of Lucifer himself is insulting and blasphemous.

Me: Okay, let’s try another tack. How would you describe Satan?

RN: How would I describe him? Well, the Prince of Lies. The great deceiver. Twisting facts, distorting reality, and turning man against man.

Me: So would you say that a person who presents him- or herself one way but is in reality completely different would be a pretty damn good deceiver?

RN: Yes.

Me: And would you say that a person who selectively discusses facts to fit his or her political agenda, inciting a flame of partisanship, would be twisting facts?

RN: Absolutely.

Me: And yet, as a very conservative political commentator who was in fact a registered Democrat who inflated stories and ignored the objective truth to stir up controversy, you don’t think you meet those definitions to a “T”?

RN: Of course not, and I resent your line of questioning. If you actually did your research, you might have discovered that many Republicans actually had a problem with some of my views, as well.

Me: So you admit that you deceive everyone then?

RN: Wha- No!

Me: Okay, different approach. Do you remember your old Democratic nemesis?

RN: James Carville?

Me: Yup. And his initials are?

RN: Oh, give me a fucking break. I am not Satan!

Me: You sowed chaos by outing Valerie Plame along with many of her CIA colleagues. You’re a Jewish man who supports Palestine over Israel. You lied about your political leanings in order to drive man against man. Your own friends call you the Prince of Darkness, and your nemesis was JC. How can you look at these facts and deny the truth?

RN: This sham of an interview is over.

Me: But, Bobby, don’t dodge the ques-

RN: (turns, faces me, eyes glowing red, while fire circles him like a halo and growls gutturally) I SAID IT’S OVER.

Me: (my shorts turn dark from urine) *gulp* Okay. Um, thanks for the interview?

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead celebrity interviews:

John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

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59 Replies to “My interview with Robert Novak from Crossfire”

  1. muskrat

    First of all, I came over from Blog Club for Men…how great is that? It’s nice to be on the ground floor for a change. Anyway, as usual, good interview. Now that the lapband is working its wonders, I feel confident you will be able to find some well-fitting Depends for future interviews with Satan or his followers.

  2. SiteInsights

    So I talked to Satan this morning and he’s pretty pissed at your insinuation… He’s demanding an apology, and I have to agree with him on this one. I mean… Yeah… He’s the Prince of Darkness, but he’s no Robert Novak… Sheesh!

  3. lceel

    “Check out my other dead celebrity interviews:” In the interest of truth and accuracy, shouldn’t that be “dead, or almost dead, celebrity”? Or “dead, or I thought the fucker was going to die but didn’t, celebrity interviews:” Because hawking is still kicking. Well, sorry, that’s not accurate either, because he can’t kick. Hell, he can barely lick. I’ll bet his wife is disappointed. but anyway he’s still alive. Right?

  4. Jay

    Excellent interview. I can’t stand the way so many people in the media are trying make Novak out to be a good guy simply because he’s dead. I completely reject the societal rules that say you have to say nice things about someone just because they’re dead, even if they were a horrible person. Novak was a horrible person and there’s no reason to pretend otherwise.

    And BTW, he converted to Catholicism as an adult. And was a complete fucking asshole about that too.

  5. Faiqa

    Hmmm. If he *was* Satan, it would explain why I kind of liked him. Because, you know, it would be like I was in his “thrall.” Or does thrall just apply to vampires? I assume Satan would be able to wield the power of thrall, as well. The last four sentences are a vain attempt to distract from the admission that I kind of like him. But, it was the thrall. Which apparently is not just for vampires.

  6. Kay

    And I thought all along he was just a creepy asshole. Should have figured out the Satan connection on my own…
    Thought not at all surprised that you got him to show his true colors – ya know, the redness and fire shit.

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