Headlines: The Rush Limbaugh Effect

rush-limbaugh-sucks-up-goodWhen I try to come up with posts for each day, I will usually spend some time on CNN or other news sites and see if any articles catch my eye. Tonight, there wasn’t shit going on, so I decided to head over to Rush Limbaugh’s website and see if there was anything amusing that might inspire me.

Nothing jumped out at me as being anything particularly entertaining – it was frustrating to see how he has turned fearmongering into an art and hypocrisy into a science. (Not that the fundamentalist leftist commentators are any better, but Rush is the best spoken out of all of them.)

I thought it might be interesting to put on Rush’s thrice-divorced OxyContin-addicted glasses and see how he talks about family values and condemns people who are addicted without his head exploding. Let’s see how Rush would rewrite these innocuous headlines that I’ve pulled from CNN.com:

Original Headline and Summary

Jackson’s resting place may not be his last

Seventy days after his sudden death, Michael Jackson will be interred in what may or may not be his final resting place Thursday evening. Only his family and closest friends are attending the private burial inside the ornate Great Mausoleum on the grounds of Forest Lawn cemetery in Glendale, California…

Rush Limbaugh Headline

Even after death, black man moves around, probably avoiding bill collectors and repo men.

Original Headline and Summary

High praise for football player who disarmed girl with gun on bus

A Mississippi high school quarterback is being hailed as a hero for saving a school bus full of elementary and high school students from a gun-wielding girl. Surveillance camera footage on the Yazoo County school bus on Tuesday captured 18-year-old Kaleb Eulls tackling the 14-year-old girl while the children evacuated the bus.

Rush Limbaugh Headline

Fanatic leftist and activist infringes upon 2nd amendment rights of young innocent girl.

Original Headline and Summary

Muslim teen fears for life after changing religion

A Muslim teenager from Ohio says her father threatened to kill her because she converted to Christianity. Rifqa Bary, 17, ran away from her family in Columbus, Ohio, in July and took refuge in the central Florida home of the Rev. Blake Lorenz with the Global Revolution Church in Orlando.

Rush Limbaugh Headline

Suspected terrorist targets God-fearing American child, declares fatwah.

Original Headline and Summary

‘Airplane view’ of Mars yields stunning images

What would you see if you could fly over Mars in a plane and look out the window? It must be something like the thousands of curious, intriguing and spectacular images taken by the High Resolution Imaging Science Experiment (HiRISE) camera mounted on NASA’s Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter.

Rush Limbaugh Headline

Government waste at work: Sightseeing photos of the Planet Marxist

Original Headline and Summary

Stranger allegedly slaps crying child in store

A Georgia man allegedly slapped a toddler at a Walmart store because she wouldn’t stop crying, authorities said. Roger Stephens, 61, was arrested Monday and charged with first-degree cruelty to children. An incident report obtained from police in Gwinnett County indicated Stephens did not know the 2-year-old girl he stands accused of hitting.

Rush Limbaugh Headline

Hero villified by left-wing media and harassed by Obama’s stormtrooper police force.

Original Headline and Summary

Sexual minigame costs publisher $20 million

Take-Two Interactive has agreed to pay $20 million to settle a class-action lawsuit over a sexual minigame that was mistakenly included in the 2004 title “Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.” The minigame, dubbed “Hot Coffee,” simulates sex between title character Carl “CJ” Johnson and his in-game girlfriend after she invites him in for a cup of coffee. The sexual content was inaccessible without manipulating the game’s code, but that didn’t stop a media frenzy in 2005 when parents heard there was “porn” in their child’s video game.

Rush Limbaugh Headline

Porn peddler and poisoner of our children’s minds gets off with slap on wrist. More reparations are needed for Americans!

Original Headline

Bear encounters in Alaska

Rush Limbaugh Headline

With hero Sarah Palin gone, family-destroying gays flock to Alaska.

And now your requisite daily Halloween Party blurb:

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47 Replies to “Headlines: The Rush Limbaugh Effect”

  1. Grant

    I read an article about a Japanese teenager who was attracted to older men. The schoolgirl said her ideal man was at least twice her age and two to three times her weight, balding and with a lot of back hair. The article included a picture of her in her bedroom, and she had a poster of Rush on the wall.

  2. hello haha narf

    so how do i get to see this alleged porn in the video game!??!??!!

    also, when i saw the photo of ll with rl i squeezed my juicy juice box and apple juice is all over my jell wrist rest. just thought you might like to know you startled me.

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