Dr. Adam Avitable knows all.

Avitable’s guide to becoming a rap star

I was reading about 19-year old Soulja Boy’s recent arrest and started thinking about all of the young men out there who probably want to become a famous rap artist. In the interest of helping the community and world at large, I thought I’d put my specific expertise as a former rap artist to work for today’s kids. As most of you know, when I was 17, I was world-renowned for my freestyling and rap skills under the pseudonym of Angel Phool Kake. It was a hard life, but I learned a lot, and I’m proud to share this 14-part series focused on helping anyone with the effort, knowledge, contacts, and skill to become a world-famous rapper.

Part 1: Your Name

Your rap name is the singlemost important element of your rise to stardom. Many young artists have failed miserably due to misspelling (1987’s ill-fated King Of Rape), poor word choice (2004’s unfortunate Speshul Sauce), or just completely wrong decisions (1992’s Tranny Lovah). Your name has to simultaneously make a statement about who you are while also showcasing your uniqueness with different spelling, compound word creation, or symbolism. For example, my rap name, Angel Phool Kake, told you many things about me with three simple words. It said that I was white, that I was goofy, and that I had a sweet tooth, but I was secure enough in my ability to rap that I didn’t need to spell “cake” correctly. Having the proper name allowed me to create the “Angel Phool” dance, wherein you locked your body from the waist down (ala “The Robot”) and moved your elbows back and forth like you were shoveling cake into your mouth. It was a dance sensation for two weeks in 1994.

For a particularly clever name, incorporate an existing word into your misspelling of the initial name. Soulja Boy is a great example of savvy name creation. You get both concepts – he’s a soldier boy because he’s a gangster, but he also has soul. Here are some other names that I have just created that incorporate this cross-word pollination concept – these are free for you to take as your own!

Gayngsta Pinks – perfect for the out and proud rap artist who also races cars
The Hondataka – you bury them six feet deep and drive off in your tricked out Honda
Tree Fitty Seven Magnum – you pop caps and love the environment
Shartee Lovah – picking up the ladies (aka shorties) and sometimes farting until you poop your pants
Taco Nobel – ideal for the Hispanic rap artist who rhymes for peace
Chicken Tittle – fitting for a pessimistic artist who always makes time for nice boobs
Thunda Stuck – you make a big impression and sometimes are too fat to get out of your chair
Richie Bitch – you’re Paris Hilton embarking on a rap career

A final word of advice about choosing your rap star name. Stay away from “Ice” anything. With Ice Cube, Vanilla Ice, and Ice T, the market has been cornered and dominated on all things ice. Let the examples of rap failures Icee Hott, Ice Kreem Sunday, and Ice on Ya Finga be your warning.

Stay tuned for future chapters of “Avitable’s guide to becoming a rap star”, where I’ll discuss caps and in whose asses those caps should be popped, when teeth grills are gauche, the classist issues that exist when deciding to drink MD 20/20 or Cristal, booty size of women in your videos and its direct correlation to iTunes sales charts, and the next hot clothing trend for aspiring rap artists (hint: man thongs).


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33 Replies to “Avitable’s guide to becoming a rap star”

  1. bluepaintred

    christ. how much weight have you lost? you look fucking awesome.

    I suck at picking a rap name. I’ve sat here for five minutes trying to think one up. Will you give me one?

  2. Robin

    The Black community has sent me as their ambassador (just for this comment…god knows I lost my “black card” the day I started worshipping Freddie Mercury) to give you this message….

    Do me one favor, please? In your next installment, do NOT talk about grills. I never understood why ANYONE, much less rappers would put those nasty ass gold teeth in their mouths. Ugh. And in your next picture, I really want you to pay homage to Flavor Flav and wear a huge clock around your neck.

    Pretty please? Thanks 🙂

  3. Badass Geek

    I don’t know which is better. The fact that you wrote this post at all, or the fact that you took the time to dig out that hat and the sunglasses, take a picture of yourself in that gangsta pose, and then Photoshop it.

  4. @marymac

    Yo yo yo yo baby pop won’t you come and give me a kiss? Better make it fast or else I’m gonna get pissed.
    (sorry, invoking Salt and Pepa seemed the only appropriate comment)

    I am thinking marymac is too boring, so help me think of a rapper version.

    Miz Mary Whack perhaps?

    Imma letchoo finish.

  5. Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy

    The names for female rappers are wide open right now. According to my brother, a rap fiend, Diamond is the up and coming rapping female. I feel like if I was a rapper I would call myself Right Eye. I was a pretty big Lisa ‘Left Eye’ Lopez fan. It would be a tribute.

    I feel like I could be a pretty good female rapper.

  6. Selma

    Because I’m all about the good times my rap name is Happay Endingz.

    This was just about the funniest post you have ever written. I laughed out loud at ‘Ice On Ya Finga.’ That really got me. Hilarious!

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