Swine flu’s still around?

I originally wrote this six months ago when I assumed that the mass hysteria from a strain of the flu (that is just like other strains except new) would die down within a month or so. With some of the ridiculous hyperbole being spewed and overreactions of parents and media alike, I thought I’d repost it for your education:

Swine flu hysteria is sweeping the nation. It’s the new SARS. And as usual, people are overreacting without properly understanding the risks, symptoms, diagnosis, and treatment. So, in order to help stem the flow of retarded panic, inform yourself (taken mostly from the CDC website):

Q: Why is it called “Swine Flu”?

A: Swine Flu (aka Swine Influenza) is a respiratory disease of pigs caused by type A influenza viruses that causes regular outbreaks in pigs. While there is rarely transmission between pig to person, this can happen in several rare situations, typically when there is contact between the human mouth and pig mouth, human mouth and pig genitalia, human genitalia and pig anus, and human mouth and pig anus. It is unknown at this time why the virus has started transmitting from person-to-person when past infection was limited and unsustainable beyond three people.

Q: Can I get swine flu from eating or preparing pork?

A: No, with a small exception. IF the pork product is particularly fresh and IF the product contains any pork anus, such as in a hot dog or sausage, the CDC recommends avoiding these products or cooking in boiling water for a minimum of 12 minutes to rid the chance of infection.

Q: Is the swine flu virus contagious?

A: Yes, the swine flu is contagious and is spreading from human to human without mouth to mouth, mouth to anus, or mouth to genitalia contact. At this point, it is not known how easily the virus spreads between people, but the CDC has provided the following list of activities that they recommend ceasing until the threat is over: kissing, blood drinking, fellatio, cunnilingus, anilingus, snowballing, golden showers, cleveland steamers, pearl necklaces, and sexual intercourse, both vaginal and anal.

Q: How does an infected person infect someone else?

A: Infected people may be able to infect others beginning 1 day before symptoms develop and up to 7 or more days after becoming sick. That means that you may be able to pass on the flu to someone else before you know you are sick, as well as while you are sick. This does not mean, however, that if you think you’re sick, you should tell people that you have the swine flu. That will only cause panic and later, mocking.

Q: How long can an infected person spread swine flu to others?

A: People with swine influenza virus infection should be considered potentially contagious as long as they are symptomatic and possible for up to 7 days following illness onset. Children, especially younger children, might potentially be contagious for longer periods. It is suggested to prepare a clean room of your household, where you can keep the infected victim at all times. Your only contact with this person should be to feed them through an available opening, such as a cracked window or a dumbwaiter. Avoid all physical contact and even verbal contact if at all possible.

Q: What are the signs and symptoms of swine flu in people?

A: The symptoms of swine flu in people are identical to the symptoms of regular human flu and include fever, cough, sore throat, body aches, headache, chills and fatigue. Some people have reported diarrhea and vomiting associated with swine flu. In the past, death has also been reported as the most serious sign of swine flu, although deaths that are unrelated to flu-like illnesses, such as motor vehicle accidents, decapitations, murder-suicides, trampling, or overdoses, should not be considered to be a symptom of swine flu.

Q: What should I do to keep from getting the flu?

A: First and most important: wash your hands. Get plenty of sleep, be physically active, manage your stress, drink plenty of fluids, and eat nutritious food. Try not touch surfaces that may be contaminated with the flu virus. Avoid close contact with people who are sick. In addition, activities that increase your endorphins may make you more susceptible, so driving at high speeds, masturbating or other sexual activity, and running or jogging are all considered high-risk.

Q: Are there medicines to treat swine flu?

A: Yes. CDC recommends the use of oseltamivir or zanamivir for the treatment and/or prevention of infection with these swine influenza viruses. If you are unable to gain access to these or similar antiviral drugs, there are some homemade remedies that may also offer some remedial treatment and/or prevention. Eating raw bacon that has been highly salted can introduce antibodies into your system that can fight infection. Additionally, using a 2:3 mixture of Gatorade and laundry detergent, along with one cup of water per gallon of mixture, you can create a poutine to apply to your face, which will enter your airwaves and disinfect your system.

Q: What should I do if I get sick with swine flu?

A: If you live in areas where swine influenza cases have been identified and become ill with influenza-like symptoms, including fever, body aches, runny nose, sore throat, nausea, or vomiting, diarrhea or death, you may want to contact your health care provider, particularly if you are worried about your symptoms. By ill-chance, if you lose your e111 card while you are sick, don’t panic, there are systems in place to ensure you the care you need. While you are sick you should stay home and avoid contact with as many other people as possible. If people continue to approach you, it may be a good idea to use a weapon of some kind, such a shotgun, to dissuade them from entering your premises. Fire only if you are fully convinced that they will come up to you, touch you, and become infected with swine flu.

Q: How serious is swine flu infection?

A: In pigs, swine flu is always fatal. First the pigs will bleed from the eyes, mouth, and other orifices. Next, they will become weak and unable to stand. Finally, the pigs’ lungs will collapse and they will die painfully. In humans, swine flu can vary in severity from mild to severe. If you begin bleeding from any orifice, please call 911 immediately, as death is likely imminent within hours if treatment is not sought immediately.

Don’t be a pig! Swine flu doesn’t have to get you too!

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27 Replies to “Swine flu’s still around?”

  1. bluepaintred

    This is not a sarcastic question, and you can email me if you want your answer to remain private. You can also choose to not tell me, but you are a very smart man, and I value your opinion: would you get the h1n1 vaccine? Do you think it is worth the risk?

    The internet and news are crazy insane, I can’t tell any more what is real and factual and what is hype.

    • Stone Fox

      @just beth, the scary thing is that this flu is killing healthy people, including kids. an otherwise healthy 13 year old boy died last week in ontario, within 48 hours of showing symptoms.

      another child from ontario died from h1n1 flu last week. a 10 year old girl, i believe; also no pre-existing health conditions.

      people in the under 65 year old group, with or WITHOUT pre-existing chronic conditions, are dying from h1n1 flu.

      do you still think people are crazy, creepy, and lemming-like for wanting to protect their kids and themselves?

      do what’s right for you, but please don’t judge people for doing something different.

      • just beth

        @Stone Fox, yes, I still think it’s crazy and creepy. I think it’s horrid that people are dying of it; i think it’s horrid that children die EVER. It’s scary and shitty and while I get that I still think it’s irresponsible for everyone to go flooding the clinics looking for some magical ‘cure’. I’m afraid of further mutation and the notion that once people get the vaccine they may not be as careful with themselves and their germs.



        • Stone Fox

          @just beth, it’s hardly irresponsible to do what health canada is suggesting and go to the clinic to get a shot. unfortunately, glaxosmithkline did not provide enough vaccine for everyone. that, i believe, is the cause of all the ridiculous line ups; people don’t necessarily understand that there is only enough vaccine for high-risk groups right now; everyone else has to wait. also, there are a lot of high-risk people when you think of all the kids under 5 and anyone who lives with/cares for kids under 5.

          also, it’s kind of insulting to assume that “everyone” who is “flooding the clinics” is looking for a “magical cure.” most of the people i know, myself included, have done the research and based our decisions on facts and our own judgment.

          h1n1 is going to mutate whether people are vaccinated or not; the vaccine is not going to cause the virus to mutate. research suggests that the adjuvant in h1n1 causes an immune reaction that may actually provide some protection against strains of mutated h1n1.

          “once people get the vaccine they may not be as careful with themselves and their germs”
          -what about the people who don’t think h1n1 is worth getting vaccinated for? if it’s not a big enough deal to get a shot, the germs probably aren’t that bad, either, right?

    • Krystle @snarkykisses

      @just beth, it’s no joke, I assure you. But until others get knocked on their ass with it too, they will keep believing and thinking how much everyone is overreacting. I thought it all too and that everyone was making a big deal out of nothing because it was “just the flu”…. Until I got knocked on my ass, had 7 days off work, trip to the ER because it went to my lungs…and lots of other hellish crap.., now? It IS a big deal, and I now see how easy it is for this to get fatal. It truly is scary.

  2. CP

    You know what I’m excited about? There is some moron who is going to read your website and make that concoction you described. Then, they will need to be treated for overt and acute poisoning via the mucous membranes. This is called job security for me. It pleases me to no end.

  3. Elizabeth Kaylene

    The first time you posted this, I had the same mentality about H1H1 (that sounds so nerdy; I still prefer saying swine flu). This second time around, I’m not so sure where I fit in. My goddaughter might have H1N1; she definitely has some type of influenza. We took her to the emergency room because her temperature was 103.3 last night — with Motrin and Tylenol. That’s scary!

    And yet, I have to remind myself that both times I had the flu (twice in five months), my temp was really high, too. I think for the most part it isn’t something to worry about, but now that little voice that initially whispered danger to me when this whole mess started is back again. Which is kind of annoying, because I really don’t want to be as paranoid as the crazies out there. Still, I’m washing my hands and using hand sanitizer now; either way, I don’t want to have the flu!

  4. Krystle @snarkykisses

    Thanks for posting this, it’s always good to have reminders.

    However, I thought the same way you do before I got sick… And after 7 days off work, a trip to the ER, prescriptions of Tylenol 3, Prednisone, Albuterol, 2 nebulizer treatments and a chest xray… This hype isn’t a joke. When I got knocked on my ass at the initial diagnosis, I thought I was on my death bed… And still, I don’t wish what I felt those days, on anyone. Then after about a week, including 5 days away from work, I thought I was well enough to go back to work… And that was the night I landed in the ER because it had now gone into my chest and lungs.

    And now? Now I think all this hype is warranted and real, and they’re right… But it took me getting it and being knocked on my ass to realize this isn’t a joke, and I can see more than ever now why more and more people are dying lately.

    With that being said, I do believe the majority of the population will get it at one time or another. There are several different strains and severities and it affects some worse (those with pre-existing lung conditions) than others.

    Just wash your hands, cover your mouth, and most importantly… If you have the least bit of cough, ache, extreme fatigue and feelings of a sudden onset of sinus infection symptoms… stay home!!! Take extra precautions, which we are already aware of.

    This crap sucks! But I still believe that everyone or the majority of the people WILL get it at one point or another.

  5. hello haha narf

    i am pretty sure i had it back in the beginning of september. was so sick with fever, headache, etc. that i was off about a week from work and missed being able to drink and play during the labor day long weekend. personally i made the decision not to go to the doctor / hospital because it never hit my lungs (i just rode it out like any other flu). nasty stuff though.

    for me, i’m not a fan of flu shots. probably because i knew a guy who was paralyzed for months and almost died from guillain barre syndrome that was (allegedly) brought on by his flu shot. fuck that…i’ll fight the flu any day.


  6. Elisa

    many thoughts crossed my mind reading this…
    1. hot dogs contain pig anus? yuck. SO glad I don’t eat them. However my husband just bought my daughters hot dogs on Sunday. Aaaargh!
    2. are you suggesting that it started with someone having sex with a pig? ewwwww.
    3. how the heck do you know all those “forbidden sex acts”? I had to look most of them up on UrbanDictionary. Wait, on second thought, don’t tell me.
    4. Are you doing the Gatorade thing? Please share photos.

  7. Luis

    FYI, in France the infection has been treated drinking pork anus tea, which is like a homemade vaccine. You just have to go to your local butcher shop and buy some anuses. DO NOT WASH THEM, using soap and water removes the weakened H1N1 virus. Boil water and pour it in an 8 oz cup that has already one anus (use two if you like your tea stronger). Let sip for 5 minutes and enjoy. You can drink as many cups as you like.
    This is good for people that have not developed the infection yet; it is merely a preventive treatment.
    I hope this helps.
    Stay healthy.

  8. Tiffany

    My own kid was diagnosed with H1N1 last week. While the symptoms themselves weren’t real scary, the fact that we couldn’t make them GO AWAY was a little on the freaky side. I couldn’t get the fever to break for 4 days, even with Tylenol and Motrin. We tried at least 6 cough medications and who knows how many sprays/lozenges, but the couch still will not go away. Our pedi is telling us that he would be non-contagious 24 hours after the fever broke, without the aid of medication. The cough on the other hand, will not go the hell away. If anything, it seems to be ‘settling in’, so if I don’t see some drastic improvement soon, his hiney is back to the doc to rule out pneumonia.

    • radioactive tori

      @Tiffany, My two boys are experiencing the same thing. My one son is feeling a bit better today but that cough just won’t go away. My other son still has a high fever (104 last night!) The fever is pretty scary when it doesn’t go down with tylenol and motrin. I always thought that was powerful enough to knock out any fever but I guess not. Now I just need to hope like crazy that my daughters don’t get it (or me! I really really don’t want this!)

      Hope your kid is feeling better soon!

  9. dawn

    My children and I had the swine flu. For us, it was pretty mild as influenzas go. It does seem to affect people’s lungs badly especially those that have asthma or are prone to that sort of thing. But, the reason so many more people are having complications and dying than in the regular seasonal flu is that so many people are getting it. This is a novel virus for those of us born after 1968 so more people born after 1968 will get sick with it and therefore more people born after 1968 will have complications and/or die. This virus, itself, is not more deadly though. They keep saying this on the news but nobody seems to understand. So, if you are a seasonal flu vaccine sort of person.. sure get the h1n1 vaccine too. If you aren’t, then don’t. Personally, I’m glad to be done with it. (Also, I suspect that a ton of people have had it and don’t know it, because like I said, it wasn’t horrendous).

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