Avitable Interviews Dead Celebrities

My interview with Brittany Murphy

The actress Brittany Murphy, known for “Clueless” and as the voice of Luanne on “King of the Hill”, died Sunday at the age of 32. Shortly after her passing, I was invited to interview her:

Me: I’m sorry that I’m interviewing you, Brittany. You were quite young.

BM: I know. I can’t believe this happened. My life had so much promise!

Me: Well, I wouldn’t go that far. I mean, you kind of peaked when you co-starred with Eminem in “8 Mile”, don’t you think?

BM: Maybe yer right. Can I ask ya what the papers are saying about my death?

Me: Well, they’re calling it a cardiac arrest, which we know is just code for coca–

BM: Don’t you fucking say it – I will walk out of this interview right now. I had an infernal heart conditioner.

Me: A what?

BM: A genital heart effect.

Me: Do you mean a congenital heart defect?

BM: Yah, exactly! And, yanno, trying to umpire that my death was caused by nerf fairies elements would be, yanno, slander.

Me: Well, let’s stay away from any nefarious implications, then, and focus on your career.

BM: Thank yew.

Me: In Clueless, you transformed from a schlubby brunette into a hip high school student who could have any boy she wanted. It seems like your career reflects that role somewhat.

BM: Huh? In what way?

Me: Well, as an actress, you started out at a more normal weight, with brown hair and average features, and somehow over the last 14 years, you’ve become an almost anorexic blonde with a different nose!

BM: It’s, yanno, my style of acting. I am all like method and committed myself completely to an advanced cardiomasculine routine.

Me: I see. So there was no plastic sur–

BM: I swear to fucking God that if you continue to disparagus me, this interview is over.

Me: I’m sorry – I’m trying to be respectful, but it’s hard when talking about your career.

BM: It’s okay. I forgive yew.

Me: Let’s move on to your love life. Why on earth would you date Ashton Ku—

BM: That’s it! I’m outta here. Fuck you and yer stupid interromagation!

Me: Wait, one last thing.

BM: What?!?

Me: Cocaine. Plastic Surgery. Ashton Kutcher.


Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews:

Oral Roberts
John Lennon
Ken Ober
Henry Gibson
Patrick Swayze
Ted Kennedy
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

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35 Replies to “My interview with Brittany Murphy”

  1. ML

    That was THE BEST!! Supreme above all others. Your greatest work. And I so wanted to comment this on some peoples’ FB yesterday, but as an upstanding housewife and mother of two young children could not face the scorn: “She was hawt!”. Thanks for the giggles. (may she rest in peace)

  2. Shauna

    I loved this interview. You seem to *really* get the young-ish, coked up, B-list actors.

    “It’s, yanno, my style of acting. I am all like method and committed myself completely to an advanced cardiomasculine routine.”

    Yeah. What she said.

  3. Andria

    I think it was a combo of drugs, and a history of eating disorders that weakened her heart. In Hollywood, I don’t think celebrities give a shit though. Who wants to die old, wrinkled… Hell, look at Cameron Diaz. She no longer plays the hip parts… Now, she’s the mom. Celebrities don’t mind dying young, because it means they will be immortalized.

  4. Faiqa

    So, I read the article, here’s my favortie quote, “He [the coroner] added that it’s not unusual for a younger person to die of natural causes.”

    No, really, that’s true, it’s not unusual at all. Especially if they head to the “powder” room after every meal and puke their guts out.

  5. Brittany

    I understand that this is supposed to be funny but i dont feel that putting any ones death in vein is any sort of humerous. Brittany Murphy was an amazing actress and this is just down right hurtful to family and friends of her. imagine if you read something like this about a friend of yours that had passed away, that wouldn’t be so funny. I suggest you keep ur mouth shut, you cant talk shit on someone you didn’t know personally.

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