I Call It Dating. You Call It Stalking.

An autopsy of my top drawer

I’ve had my bureau since I was a baby and too young to know what one was. It’s moved with me from Daytona Beach to Virginia to Saint Louis to Los Angeles and back to Florida. As I progressed to wearing shirts that required hanging and as I kept my shorts in a pile by the front door where I shucked them as I entered the house, I stopped using all but one drawer of my bureau. All of my socks, manties, and undershirts were crammed into one drawer and the other drawers were sadly neglected.

After moving to my new house, I decided that there was no reason not to use my bureau the way it was meant to be used. That meant cleaning out the drawers first, though. After cleaning out the pound and a half of gum wrappers and crumpled pieces of paper, this is what I found in my top drawer:

Click me for a larger version
Click me for a larger version
  1. A Sharpie, for writing my name in my underwear in case of an accident.
  2. The manual for a Universal Remote that we haven’t owned since 2004.
  3. MAD Magazine for quick comedy relief.
  4. Pair of infant Superman pajamas that my parents gave us as a Christmas present and as a hint on our first Christmas back in Florida. Ha – I showed them!
  5. Books – because of course they belong in a drawer, not in a bookcase with the rest of their kind. They’re too good for their home.
  6. Pieces of a cut-up credit card stored here for security purposes for all of those thieves who go through our garbage. Not because I’m crazy paranoid.
  7. Avitable.com condoms. Unused.
  8. Cable splitters, in case of a cable emergency.
  9. Handi-wipes that expired in 2004. Is that even possible?
  10. A Zippo lighter that says “Fuck Communism” on the side. /comic reference
  11. Hot pink cock ring. Obviously for gay sex only.
  12. Old lunch receipt from 2004. Parking receipt from 2003. Saved for tax purposes. The retarded packrat tax, apparently.
  13. Belt that never fit me, but I can now wear as tight as it goes. And beat my imaginary children with.
  14. K-bar knife from the US Marine Corps, because you never know when you might need to stab people in your bedroom.
  15. Light-up clown nose for fun and games and scaring children.
  16. Piggy bank that I received when I was born. Has my name and birthdate engraved on it. Contains nothing.
  17. Apparently at its old age, piggy is incontinent and keeps pooping out coins.

I think I’ll keep the knife, hang up the belt, put the books and magazine away, wear the Superman pajamas, put on the cock ring, split my cable, wipe my hands, spend my change, wear the clown nose, and write my name on my forehead, and then I’ll have my sock drawer back!

In other Avitanews, today is the birthday of a friend in the UK, Dan from All That Comes With It. Go wish him a happy birthday and check out the awesome armchair reviews over at his new site, Lee and Dan’s Midnight Movie Club!

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45 Replies to “An autopsy of my top drawer”

  1. B.E. Earl

    My junk drawers (plural) have way more junk in them. I’m not pack-ratty at all in other areas of my life, but an unused drawer is pure junk fodder for me. I love when I find a book of matches from a bar I went to in Philadelphia about a dozen years ago. Or a credit card that I never activated but would have expired anyway about 10 years ago. I don’t know why I don’t throw any of that shit out.

  2. Kellee

    That’s an awfully small looking cock-ring. *single eyebrow raise* LOL j/k But the clown nose? Seriously looks like a ball gag. Are you sure it’s not a ball gag? Because it really looks like a ball gag.

    • avatgardener

      @avatgardener, did you describe your skivvies as “manties”??? Like panties only for men? Interesting choice. I like it and hope to use it – – the word that is, not the garment in your bureau.

  3. lceel

    I haven’t seen a functioning K-Bar in years – but i recognized it instantly – being the former Marine and trained killer that I am. Or … used to be, actually … because, unlike a K-Bar, after a while you kinda lose your edge.

  4. cat

    #6- ha! I’m surprised you don’t have a shredder, the best friend of anyone suffering from paranoia… I dare anyone to try to glean any information from my trash…

  5. Hockeymandad

    I think you should wear the K-bar or keep it under your pillow. No invader will wait to make the fight fair as you open the drawer to get it. I bet that belt would be nice in case you ever got a heroin habit. I wonder if that coupon on the Mad still works…

  6. Karl

    I suppose it was just a matter of time before we got to peek inside your drawers. Course, like everything else, you did it backwards. First, we saw your unadulterated balls, THEN we saw in your drawers.

    • avatgardener

      @Sarcastica, I like it. What’s in the fridge,what’s in the glove box, what’s in the medicine cabinet. A great series. And we can all add ours, as comments!!

  7. Shelli

    Sorry, but that clown nose isn’t really a clown nose. I know because I have one, too. It’s a Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer nose. I have some of those condoms. You gave them to me the very first time I met you, thank you very much. Um, can I have the cock ring?

  8. Dan

    I read this, but missed the birthday bit at the bottom. Then when you said you’d posted a link to me I felt increadibly guilty thinking I’d missed one of your posts somehow.

    Way to make me feel bad on the day after my birthday you swine.

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