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Rejected Winter Olympic Sports

Every year, the Olympic Committee gets hundreds, if not thousands, of applications for new sports to be considered for inclusion. And each year there are a few new sports that just make you scratch your head, like curling and speed walking – can you imagine the ones that actually get rejected? Here are just a few of this year’s rejections for the Winter Olympics:

Ice Fishing

Each participant is given a case of beer, a saw to cut a hole in the ice, and a fishing rod. The event lasts as long as it takes the fastest athlete to drink all of his or her beer. The gold medal goes to the participant with the highest beer drank/fish caught average. Anyone who passes out is disqualified.

Drifting

Athletes are provided a 1994 Ford F-150 and compete down a four-mile road. Along the sides of each road are high snowdrifts. Behind these snowdrifts are drop-offs into deep ditches. The winner is the competitor who can successfully drift into each snowdrift without dying by exploding his car.

Nipples

In this co-ed event, athletes are dropped naked into a field of snow, encased in glass. The first one to successfully use his or her nipples to cut said glass and escapes wins the gold.

Urinary Cursive

Male athletes are given a multisyllabic word of at least 8 letters that they must write legibly in the snow using nothing more than a gallon of Gatorade and their penises. Points are given for style, legibility, and flair. Female athletes may either use a small urinary hose or their hand to guide a male volunteer’s penis.

Snow Dash

Participants are seated in a large hot tub, wearing nothing but their bathing suits. When the whistle blows, they must make a 100 yard dash through the 3-foot deep snow to the finish line, delineated by the best electric fireplace.

Pee Pee Dance Relay

Athletes must consume 8 liters of water or Gatorade and subject themselves to a full saltwater enema, then bundle up in eight layers of clothing. When the pistol fires, the competitors must run outside in the snow, build a snowman, throw six snowballs at a target, make a snow angel, and then make it inside and strip off their layers before soiling themselves.

Now these are some events that I’d watch!

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36 Replies to “Rejected Winter Olympic Sports”

  1. christie

    I think I would win the nipple- they perk up when it’s barely cold out. I’m probably sure if I were naked out in some glass I could cut my way out. Hmmm… I might buy a walk-in freezer to train for this. If nothing else it might be fun to show people at parties!

  2. Faiqa

    This is going to sound really bad, but the Olympics bore the hell out of me. There, I said it. Don’t get me wrong, I admire the athletes and their dedication, but all the pomp and circumstance makes me YAWN.

  3. Meg

    I’m thinking you could up the ante on any of the above by adding shooting to the mix. You know- like biathlon! And shooting directly at the athletes instead of at targets would make it even more exciting!

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