Avitable Interviews Dead Celebrities

My interview with Corey Haim

Former child actor Corey Haim died yesterday at the age of 38. I was granted a quick interview with the deceased “Lost Boys” star:

Me: Hi Corey, thanks for talking with me.

CH: It’s my pleasure. I want all of my fans to know that I’m okay. They don’t need to worry.

Me: Well, most of your fans are in their late 30s and early 40s and probably have plenty of other shit to worry about now. But I’ll pass along the message.

CH: I appreciate it. I know that my demographic might skew a little older now that I’m older, but to many of them, I’ll always be Sam or Lucas.

Me: I wouldn’t know. I’ve never seen Lost Boys or Lucas and the only time I’ve ever heard of you was the horrible “License to Drive”.

CH: Really?

Me: Yup! Now the other Corey? I loved him in Goonies.

CH: Felllldmannn. Don’t even get me started.

Me: I thought you guys got along now?

CH: Are you kidding? The guy is a grade-A douchebag. Have you ever heard him speak?

Me: Yeah, he kind of oozes when he talks.

CH: Did you ever see that clip they showed on The Soup where Feldman sang at his wife? He thought that was romantic and now he’ll only have sex when they play that song.

Me: Ok, that’s creepy.

CH: Dude, tell me about it. I’ve spent my whole life trying to get away from Corey fucking Feldman, but he just won’t die! He’s like a cockroach. That’s why I did what I did.

Me: What’s that?

CH: You know.

Me: Umm, no I don’t.

CH: Sure you do!

Me: Pretend I don’t.

CH: That’s why I died!

Me: You committed suicide to get away from Corey Feldman?

CH: Well, kind of, but it has its perks.

Me: It does?

CH: Yeah! I’m really strong now and I can fly!

Me: Ummm….

CH: And I can see at night and I will live forever!

Me: Umm, Corey? Do you think that you’re a vampire now?

CH: Yeah! See? Look at my fangs!

Me: Those are just your canine teeth and I think mine are sharper looking than that.

CH: But look how pale I am!

Me: That’s because you’re dead.

CH: Yeah, see? Undead!

Me: No. Just. Plain. Dead.

CH: I’m a vampire – watch me lift this chair with one hand!

Me: A child with polio could lift that chair.

CH: Bah! You’re just an unbeliever. I’ll show you.

Me: What are you doing? Did you just poop your pants?

CH: No! I’m trying to turn into a bat!

Me: Oh. I think if you’re not careful you might-

CH: I just pooped myself.

Me: And there we go.

CH: But . . . but I wanted to become more famous than Feldman!

Me: Sorry, buddy. Good luck in whatever place it is that washed up TV child-stars go!

CH: *sniff* I am a vampire. I am a vampire. I am a vampire. *sniff*

Me: Please stop biting me.

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews:

My Grandmother
Roy Scheider
Zelda Rubinstein and J.D. Salinger
Brittany Murphy
Oral Roberts
John Lennon
Ken Ober
Henry Gibson
Patrick Swayze
Ted Kennedy
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

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40 Replies to “My interview with Corey Haim”

  1. Special K

    I seriously can’t believe you have never seen Lost Boys. It is like an 80s right of passage or something, like The Goonies! LOL
    I learn something new on Avitable every day. Today I learned that ghosts can shit their pants.
    Valuable knowledge there. Thanks.
    PS Corey was not a vampire in Lost Boys so glad he got to be one now. 😉

  2. Cara Pope

    I owned two movies on VHS, taped off HBO, in Jr. High. Dirty Dancing, and Lost Boys. I hear the old HBO song and pleasant memories of Lost Boys remain. And my first Hollywood Star crush was on “the cute Corey”.
    Awesome interview, Adam.

  3. Donna

    How bad am I? One of the first things I thought of when I heard Corey (my 1st Hollywood crush) Haim died, was “oohhh bet Avitable will be interviewing him real soon”….Thanks for not letting me down! Please, for the sake of all mankind, see the Lost Boys! If anything, the soundtrack is fantastic!

  4. lydia

    My love for you has deepened. But, I’ll tell ya, I’m just as shocked as everyone that you haven’t seen Lost Boys. “You’re a vampire, Michael. My own brother, a goddam shit-sucking vampire. You wait ’til Mom finds out buddy!” Gold.

  5. Bonnie B.

    I’ve never seen Lost Boys either, Adam. But I think it’s because I’m older than most of your readers/commenters. We should Netflix this puppy and watch it together. Which would be a whole lot easier if you and I weren’t in Florida and California, respectively, huh?

  6. Blondefabulous

    Who gives a damn about the Lost Boys, why didn’t you ask him about that lame ass piece of shit that was his self promoting documentary “Me, Myself, and I”???? I’d love to know what the hell THAT was all about…. ya know, besides himself.

  7. Maria

    I think I’m too young to really ‘get’ why women crushed on him. He was funny looking. Oh no, I’m speaking ill of the dead. You make me misbehave, Adam. I’m getting the hell out of here.

    I’m going to be a vampire when I die.

  8. Employee No. 3699

    I thought the same thing ‘Donna’ thought…Corey is dead, can’t wait to read the post-mortem interview by Adam! Then laughed reading ‘golfwidow’s’ comment on how he always bit and always will.

    That aside, if you email me your address I’ll order you ‘Lost Boys’ on Amazon or some such website. Then you can do a movie review on it and not worry about it being spoiler free.

  9. Stacey

    When I saw that Corey Haim died I thought, “Omigod! Part of my childhood just died with him!” And then I Googled him and realized, “Oh, nevermind. It was the OTHER Corey in the movies I saw.”

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