DWB (Driving While Black)

Racial profiling is all the rage now, thanks to Arizona’s new laws, but it’s been an issue for many years. The concept of being pulled over for DWB has been around for awhile. DWB stands for Driving While Black, although it can also stand for Driving While Brown and in one isolated situation, Driving With Bernie. It has also spawned other variations, such as FWM (Flying While Muslim), KWCAB (Kidnapped While Cute And Blonde) and OWBT (Ogled While Big-Titted).

All of this racial profiling may have all of you people thinking that us white folk have it easy, but it’s not true. Unbeknownst to you, there is also a large percentage of whiteys who have been pulled over simply for a DWW, or Driving While White. In fact, last night, as I was coming home from a friend’s house, I was subjected to this harassment. The conversation went something like this:

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: (mumbled under my breath) Probably for a DWW.

Officer: I’m sorry. Did you say that you think I pulled you over for being white?

Me: Yes.

Officer: Well, you’re right! Thank God you came along, dude.

Me: Really?

Officer: Yeah. All night long, it’s just been brothers and Mexicans. I really have been dying to see another white guy.

Me: It is nice to see another member of the secret fraternity of Caucasians.

Officer: That’s right. Honkey in the hizzy!

Me: Don’t do that.

Officer: So, wanna play with my gun? We can shoot at random cars if you want.

Me: I’d rather just use your police computer to look up some new neighbors to see if they’re illegal or not.

Officer: Oh sure! Want some petty cash, too? As you know, all of us in the fraternity keep a few extra thousand at all times in case of a dude in need.

Me: Sure – I wanted to buy tickets to see Paul McCartney and Eminem in concert. Plus I have to pay my dues at the country club.

Officer: Well, help yourself! Did you watch LOST yet?

Me: Yeah, it was amazing! I love that all white people got to see the series finale tonight, a week earlier.

Officer: We have all the perqs. We really do. Want a Zima?

Me: Definitely. Thanks.

Officer: Cheers. Here’s to Whitey!

Me: Cheers!

Officer: Okay, well, it’s been nice talking to you. I hope your day is white and your night even whiter.

Me: Thanks – you too! Long live the society of white dudehood. Good luck pulling over those darkies and Mexicans!

See? So don’t come crying to me next time some police officer asks to see your immigration papers just because you have slightly darker skin than I do. I have my own burdens to bear.

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35 Replies to “DWB (Driving While Black)”

  1. Deb

    Oddly I have been pulled over for DWW. I was in a predominately black neighborhood and they thought little white girl was there to buy drugs :(! I got searched can you believe it? All for being lost!

  2. Lin

    I have recently lost a few “friends” because they just didn’t get my view on the AZ law. That it was racial profiling. That it was wrong. Blah, blah, blah. They thought because I’m white I’d just understand the need for it, I guess. I don’t know.

    Now, onto your post… I’ve been a victim of OWBT. Daily actually. It’s traumatic — if the person is creepy. Sometimes it’s worked to my favor. Like yesterday when I drove off with a loaner car from the Mercedes dealership (no really) far nicer than the Mercedes I left to be repaired (seriously, I’m White, it’s what WE drive). I have never been offered petty cash though, probably because I’m not a man. I hear White men get more perks.

  3. hello haha narf

    cocksucker, every time i get pulled over i have to pay fines and they threaten to take away my license if i don’t slow down! there is no way they could mistake my pale self for being anything other than white. wait. they don’t like the irish, do they?

  4. muskrat

    my first alcoholic beverage (other than a sip) was zima. it truly was zomething different.

    isn’t there an old minor threat song called “guilty of being white”? i’ll bet you listen to it daily.

  5. Refugee from Reason

    Oh my, and all I was doing is what you suggested in your post at http://native-born.com/2010/05/13/the-air-out-there/:

    “I would like each of you to think about the air you breathe today.

    Think about discussions regarding universal health care, foreign policy, civil unions, policies restricting certain citizens from serving in the military, consumer protection, corporate responsibility, food production, offshore drilling, and alternative energy.”

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