Avitable Interviews Dead Celebrities

My Interview with that Chinese guy who killed all the kids.

This post is a guest post disguised to look like a real post by me, written by my friend James.

On Wednesday, May 12, Adam was given an assignment.

After two days of writing about preachy subjects, he was tasked with writing about something else horrible. Just like the previous posts though which were done with a twist of dark humor to make the message more clear, he was required to do the same with the new horrible subject.

The recent trend in China of adult males going into schools and killing children. The task was given after the most recent massacre. In this instance, a man went to a school with a cleaver and hacked seven kindergarten children and two teachers to death before going home to kill himself.

What was the reason for this? A property dispute. The man was the owner of the house that was being used as a school and he didn’t want to renew their lease. While the motivation is unbelievable, the fact that this is the sixth such attack on schoolchildren since March of this year is the most bizarre and horrific part.

Why are grown adults choosing to attack and kill defenseless children? To find out, I sat down with the most recent attacker, Wu Huanming.

Adam : Wu, may I call you Wu?

Wu: 我不在乎

Adam: Ummmm. What?

Wu: 我說我不在乎你給我打電話

Adam: Shit. I figured the afterlife had its own translator. I guess that’s one more thing that Google can do that God can’t. If you don’t mind I’m going to use Google’s Afterlife Translation site to translate the rest of what you’re saying.

Wu: Oh great, you using Google. Google hate China. You know that?

Adam: No, I didn’t know that.

Wu: Yes, Google hate China. We are a peaceful people and Google want to corrupt us.

Adam: You’re peaceful people? You hacked 9 people to death… 7 of them children! That’s not peaceful at all!

Wu: You misunderstand. Piece-full people. China is full of people in pieces.

Adam: I think I’m going to be sick.

Wu: Oh right, like you not upset you didn’t think of it first. I not bad guy here. You are. Google is!

Adam: Google didn’t chop any children to death.

Wu: Google want to take away freedom! Freedom to shop!

Adam: I think you have that backwards. Your government wants to take away your freedom. As far as your freedom to shop, Google has no interest in what you buy.

Wu: Not shop, SHOP.

Adam: Yes, shop.

Wu: NO! SHOPPP!. C-H-O-P. What fuck kind of translator you using? Translator should have no problem with these words. It make no sense!

Adam: Oh… Chop. Yeah, you don’t have freedom to chop. That’s not Google taking away that freedom though, it’s a freedom you just don’t have. You can’t just chop people to death. Especially children!

Wu: But without shopping how else I get my house back?

Adam: Did the chopping work? Do you have your house back? Did you get what you wanted?

Wu: Google hates China.

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews (actually written by me!):

Casey, aka Moosh In Indy
Adolf Hitler
Peter Graves
Corey Haim
My Grandmother
Roy Scheider
Zelda Rubinstein and J.D. Salinger
Brittany Murphy
Oral Roberts
John Lennon
Ken Ober
Henry Gibson
Patrick Swayze
Ted Kennedy
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

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19 Replies to “My Interview with that Chinese guy who killed all the kids.”

  1. Deb

    I didn’t know this happened. I didn’t know that it was #6 since March. Clearly I do not take the time to watch thenews or keep up on current events. Last thing I heard about was the oil in the gulf, hell thats all they are reporting since I live in HOuston :). I guess people in Houston don’t care about chopped chinese children!

  2. Grant

    Surprisingly, Google’s translator is better than I expected. I translated your first line of Wu Engrish into bunny and back again and it returned “Yes, Google is not like China. We want peace and we’re broken Google.” Not as much fun as I had hoped.

  3. cat

    I just read about this in the paper yesterday. Insane. And it’s sad when any kid dies, but what makes it even sadder is that the parents are only allowed to have one kid at a time, so their only child just got killed.

  4. Poppy

    Which James? Baby or … well, considering the subject matter, I’m guessing not Baby.

    The characters in this post don’t appear on my Netbook. 🙁

    This is a bigger problem than this one guy. A lot of random guys have been chopping up kiddos at schools in China. Epidemic-like.

    • muskrat

      @Poppy, My smart wife the anthropologist says China is going to get much more violent and warmongering in the future, because that’s what always happens in societies in which the number of males is way greater than the number of females.

      • Poppy

        @muskrat, yah, the article I read about this incident pretty much said exactly that. I wonder how many decades/centuries it will take for China to realize what a bad situation they’re in and reverse their decision to Murder the Females.

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